I'm new

[ep20]

Hi, im new on here, but have been browsing for a few days.
I'm 21 and have 3 children.
I suffer so bad from health anxiety. Just recently it has got so bad.
My main fear is meningitis and asthma attack.
I know why im so scared of meningitis. It is cos when i was 10, my cousin died of it, she was only 21, she left behind 2 babies. It has affected me so much, to the point that im comparing myself to her. Scared that if i do something that she did/was doing around the time of her death that it'd happen to me. She was 21 and went back to college to get her science GCSE, she only went for 1 day, thats where she caught it.
What frightening me is that im starting college next weds only for 1 eve a week, but im so scared its guna happen. Its really putting me off going, but i need to get my biology qualification so i can go uni in a few years.
My elsdest has also just started school, and i'm terrified of him catching meningitis.
What scares me about the illness is how quickly it can get you.
My cousin died within a few hours of feeling ill.

I'm not scared of actual dying, im scared of dying young. Im scared of leaving my children.

As college comes closer and closer im suffering more from OCD and panic attacks esp at night. I feel extremely breathless, which then sets off my asthma attack anxiety (had asthma since i was 5 only ever had 1 attack).

I'm so tired of feeling like this, i feel rundown all the time, probably due to depression.
I dont let myself be truely happy, everytime i feel like i'm purely happy, the thoughts of "well if your happy with everything, you'll get ill and die!" silly i know.

I can accept i'll die one day, but its the thought of dying young/soon that scares me. i cant get it out of my head.
sorry for going on!xx

[milly jones]

a really warm welcome to the nmp family hunny


milly xxx :hugs:

[marie1974]

hello and welcome to u, i understand your worries and have u had any counselling? u sound a very strong person, 3 kids and still young, college and everything else im sure u do, im sure you will recover from your anxietys and we are all here for you hun. hugs xxx

[Captain America]

i can totally relate to the fear of being happy. i won't let myself be truly happy because i figure that's when the roof will cave in.

i read in an anxiety book a story about a patient who was worrying about car accidents because she had a friend who died in one. the therapist asked her, 'do you think she would have lived a better life if she had known for the last 10 years that she was going to die on that day'. the patient said, 'no'.

and that's the key here. the uncertainly of the whens and whats of dying are actually a gift to us. because if we knew all the details then it'd only cause problems.

i can't say that story did a LOT for me, but it did help a little. i have 2 small children and believe it's the fear of leaving them behind that has caused all this anxiety in me. they are also the reason i get up every day and keep going. i don't want to pass my fears onto them.

i hope you find some relief. i don't have all the answers yet but they're somewhere, and most likely inside our heads!!!

and in my case, that's unfortunate!!