Rock bottom again need to rant

[lilly-lou]

I feel like I have probably hit rock bottom at the moment and I can't stop crying. I think at the moment the depression is far worse than the anxiety, I am still going out, managing the school runs but I feel so sad and down all the time and I am so sick of it all now. I can't keep on top of the housework, I'm tierd all the time and just want to not get out of bed but I have to because of the kids which is probably a good thing but all the things I need to do in the day to keep the house from looking like a complete bomb site I just don't seem to have the energy to do which then makes me feel more anxious and down and like a failure, its a vicious circle. I am sick of asking the kids to help out a little and not expect me to be eveyones slave but my words fall on deaf ears, does nobody give a damn about me in my family? Thats how it feels, I feel like the only reason I would be missed if I wasn't around is because the housework wouldn't be done and the washing not washed.

As some of you read in a previous thread my hubby told me last weekend that he wants to leave, now he has said he doesn't want to go and doesn't know why he said that, I don't think he realises how hurtful it was to say that and all he has done is made me feel so much more insecure and depressed. I really don't want to feel this way all the time, I am so sick of being paranoyed that everytime I go out that complete strangers are bitching about me, I analise everything that I say and think about what to say so I don't make a complete fool of myself, I don't feel I deserve any happiness or friends I don't feel like I have got anything to offer to anybody. I feel sorry for my kids having a mum like me and I feel sorry for my hubby for having a wife like me, I am so fed up.

[marie1974]

hiya matey if u fancy chatting later i will be on msn this evening and i am so sorry for all this happening to u cos u r such a lovely person and have lovely children and they all love you, remember that cos thats important, they r your little support unit, even if it dont feel like it, they need you and u need them.

when i went through my depression i thought at the time i couldnt look after my kids and couldnt cope, but i cant honestly say they were my life saver, if it wasnt for my babies i would have laid in bed crying and doing nothing every day and getting worse. i couldnt see it at the time but now i can, they helped me to recover and be a stronger person.

i know u are a great mum and with all your brood of kids life is prob very hectic and like u say houswork is never ending, but housework is not a major thing hun and just do wot u have to and when u have a better day then do some more and it will get done eventually, infact i do mine to take my mind off things sometimes and force myself to get up and do it.

please dont feel like you got no one hun, i know i not much help to u on here but i am here for you and so are many people on here and sometimes just having a moan or cry and writing it all down on here can really help.

i think your hubby needs to be straight with u and not mess with your head, i think mayb u should giv him an ultimatum, he either stays and u sort all this mess out as a family and do it together, or he can go and do wot he has to do and let you sort your life out, cos it seems like he messing u about big style hun and that is really not fair and makes me angry.

i feel like u sometimes as in who would miss me if i went or if something happend to hubby who would be there for me etc, but u have to really not focus on that and just carry on with the people in your life who u mean the world to and thats your kids.

i am at the moment building a little support network around me that doesnt include family cos they r no help, i have 2 great friends who live near me, 1 i dont see very often and the other i see nearly every day and they are true friends to me, i also have friends on here who support me from afar and help me.

try and build a support unit for you hun and u have lots on here who will be there for you.

dont ever feel that u dont deserve to be happy or u are no good etc cos u r lovely and u r a great mother to all your kids, i seen the pics you showed me and how happy they all are and thats down to u hunny, so be proud of yourself and i promise no matter how bad things seem for you, they will get better. hugs and if u want to talk i will go on msn this evening sometime but feel free to email me. hugs xxx

[Horse]

LL,

It seems that this time of year many of us appear to feel this way. Let's face it, the Summer was crap and Autumn is on it's way, the nights are getting darker earlier and Christmas will be here before we know it!

Blimey!! Now I'm depressed!!!

Our low self esteem and feelings of self worth don't forget are all part and parcel of Anxiety. Most of the time, our brain is in neutral, our concentration is low, our energy level is rock bottom and the love that we feel for ourselves is non existent. And that's just the beginning right?

We slip into the 'What's the point' mode. We do nothing, then we feel guilty because we do nothing.

The news of Hubby wanting to leave and then wanting to stay suggests to me that he also may be in need of 'someone to talk to'........I may be wrong, forgive me if I am, but I think I'm right!

Life is not easy. We have no instuction manual to study or refer to. We do what we think is best and right. Sometimes we go wrong and we make mistakes, then we have to go back and see what went wrong, and start again. We cannot turn back the clock or change the past. But we can shape our future for the better by learning from our mistakes and wrong doings.

I admit it was hurtfull what hubby said, but the question is, why did he say it?

Sit down and LISTEN to each other. Don't just hear what each other has to say........LISTEN. Communication is vital in this world, there is never enough love. We are so involved in the rushing around of the 'rat race'. We care more about cars, washing machines, dishwashers, satellite TV, DVDs, MP3s, etc etc., than the thing that matters the most.......people!

You are NOT paranoid, you only think you are.

In Anxiety, the worst enemy we have is ourselves. If we are not careful, we can destroy the love that we should have for ourselves.

Our worlds become lonely only because we feel isolated in the fog that has engulfed us. If we fight, we will win whatever we fight for. The war may go on and on, but every battle we fight, we can win! Sometimes we feel we may drown in our tears...........so therefore, we swim and swim and swim till we reach shore!

As I said in a post earlier today to 'popsy'
Go and kick some a**s........psychologically of course!

Take care

Kevin.

[lilly-lou]

Thanks Donna for your kind words, I'm just feeling really sorry for myself at the moment, I haven't been well and can't seem to shift this cold I have so I still feel poo, plus the fact that I feel down at the moment is making me feel worse as well, all I want to do is sleep and I haven't got the motivation or energy to do anything at the moment. I just think that I am so sick of trying to keep it all together by myself that I am worn out with it all. Its ok for my hubby, I sometimes feel like he has no responsorbility and can do pretty much whatever he wants when he wants. All week I have been ill but he has just done whatever he wants. He is gone for work early so I have to get up every morning with the kids, he doesn't get home till 6 so I have to sort out kids tea then he goes to the gym every night till nearly 10 so I am left to get them to bed, I feel like I am suffocating and need time out myself but being though he can be very selfish there is never any time left for me so I am on the go from early morning till late at night and I can't do it anymore but can't find a solution either to make things a little easier for me, I think my mind and body are telling me enough is enough.

I have told him to stop messing with my head and that the way my mind thinks is so different to the way his does, and to be careful in what he say as once he has said something bad it is hard to convince me that it isn't true so now I keep thinking has he took a bag with him, will he come back after work, just another thing for me to worry myself about.

[marie1974]

hi matey right ok we will try and get u feeling better.

your cold u have had will make u down low and have no energy and because u also are feeling dep, anxious etc it makes it all worse. you need to make sure u eat 3 meals a day even if only small and try and get some good foods inside u mate, green stuff, chicken, fibre etc and it will give u more energy. try and false yourself even if u not hungry.

your hubby i think is being really selfish hun and the fact he is never there and choosing to go gym everynight till 10 is really inconsiderate, its all being left to u.

i think mayb horse is right in saying that he got probs and not happy but u both need to to talk, and u gotta be firm with him hunny and tell him exactly how u feel and how its not fair him leaving it all to u and also that he needs to spend more time with his family, the kids are just as much his responsibility as much as yours and u need a break sometimes, if he cant understand this and work with u then u need to think about whether u can deal with him doing his own thing all the time and not talkin to u etc etc.

do u have anyone at all any mates who would help u abit? anyone close to u?

if u dont then thats ok mate cos sometimes dealing with these thing by ourselves makes us stronger people and u do have support here.

u need to get out of the rut u in from your depression etc and eat properly and try to focus yourself on something positive and u will climb out of the dark hole u feel u are in mate.

[milly jones]

hi hun

know ur going thru tough time and wont be much help but im thinking of u

just 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000s of hugs

mill xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[titchjd]

hiya hun .sory 2 hear u are felling so low .......i totally understand how u feel
and im sending u big hugs and please PM me wenever u need 2 rant and let out yr feelings xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

love
Titchjd xxxxxxx

[Dahlia]

Hi Lilly Lou

First of all - big big hugs.

I'm not surprised you're feeling depressed - you have the stress from what your husband said last week (and has now changed his mind), plus the kids, the housework. Plus the fact that your husband acts as if he is single and merely a lodger in your house (which makes me sooo cross on your behalf).

The share of responsibility has to change in your relationship, and family, or you are going to continue feeling completely wiped out. I suspect it has pretty much always been this way?

It sounds like it might be time to get firm with them all. Maybe sit the kids down (depending on their age), and tell them that you are no longer going to take responsibility for all the housework, that you all live in the house and from now on everyone will do their share. Maybe introduce a rota? And maybe start off by delegating the tasks that are most important to them e.g. you said you have a teenage daughter - what would annoy her the most if it didn't get done in the house? Give her that task. And say that if they don't do their tasks, then no one will. You need to stick to this for it to work, because if you give in, they will realise they can get away without doing anything.

Then onto your husband. Frankly, he is acting like one of the kids. Going out every night to the gym until 10pm is remarkably selfish. I would include him on the rota for a start (!). It seems to me, the way he is now, it would make no difference whether he left or not. You need to tell him how you feel, and that he needs to accept more responsibility. I would be inclined to say I am going to stay with someone for the weekend as I need a break, and let him see how it is to look after the kids for a weekend. Or alternatively, go on 'strike'! Once hubby realises he has no clean shirts for work, maybe he will finally discover what that white noisy machine in the kitchen does?!

You are coping amazingly with all of this - even though you don't think you are. But it has to change for the sake of your mental health, and your quality of life.

Hang in there - and get firm! You are incredibly strong - you haven't gone to pieces.

Dahlia xx