im going backwards...

[popsy]

Thought i was doing so well, but the chronic anxiety and now depression has come back! I cant calm down, im panicing continuously , and i can see no point in anything, i can see no future..... all i can see is more horrendous days on top of another...

The depression gets me the worse, it surrounds me, i even find the world 'looks' duller, does anyone else get that?

I so despeately want to get better but now feel like im not, im just going back to the beginning again, i cant bear being this way.

Sorry for moaning and going on, this message might not even make much sense, im just so frightened and so ashamed to even tell people how bad ive become again, they were so pleased with me for seemingly getting better...

Please anyone, i just need to hear from people who know what i mean.

:weep: Popsy x

[honeybee3939]

Hi Popsy

I Know what you mean hun, and im sure there are many members here that have been there too.:hugs: But things do get better i promise you that.

Have you been to see the GP to discuss how you are feeling? Are you taking any meds? Sounds to me like you could benefit with a little help from your GP to get you through this little blip.

Sending you hug hun :hugs: :hugs:

Andrea
xxxxxx

[popsy]

I am on the top dose of seroxat my psychiatrist will give me (60mg) and diazapam everyday, so i worry i am beyond help!!! I am seeing the CPN tomorrow so will chat to her, i think im just so dissapointed after doing so well for a few weeks to suddenly feel so bad again, i dread the next min, the next hour, the next day etc...

I hate being alone during the day, which i am once my children go to school, all my friends work and so i am on my own, my thoughts just turn inwards and i cant stop them from being negative, i find it impossible to think anything good about myself, i have tried so hard, but im so tired.

Thanks for the hug, it means so much when people understand, and i can truely be honest with them.

Popsy xxx

[milly jones]

pops

im really down atm and struggling to cope with all thats going on

i know our reasons are different but i too think u need to discuss this with ur gp/cpn. ur meds may need changing

i know as i was recovering the needs for my meds changed and thus i had to change the meds to fit the illness. my priority wwent from anx, to dep and back again.

diff meds treat diff conditions better, maybe this is why u need bit extra help

pops we all go thru down phases too hun

thats why its great when the ups are there and we recognise them

no one in the real world has a flat life, we just have more bumps than other ppl, lol

popsy u are a lovely compassionate woman whose been such a good and supportive friend to me. i wish we lived closer so that we could visit. ud have made a great sis for me lol

try and keep posting, visiting chat etc using nmp to give u strength

if u need to text, or even call hun, im sure i can chat to u now cos id see ur number

hugs pops, love you

mill xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xx

[wizz]

I know exactly how you feel Popsy!

Some days seem to stretch on forever and nothing interesting can seem to fill them or be worth looking forward to.

I differently think you should talk with your GP about how you're feeling and hopefully they can come up with some new ways of helping you.

Look at how you're living and try to take steps to improve your life style to get better, try to eat better and get some fresh air and exercise.

What things have you been interested in in the past? Maybe try something you're always wanted to, a hobbie etc!

Have you ever thought about making a picture glyph with all the good things in your life, i find this helped to see all the great things i have right there in front of me on the fridge wall etc :)

It's not easy i know but remember people are here to help.

Take care

[Bill]

I hate being alone during the day, which i am once my children go to school, all my friends work and so i am on my own, my thoughts just turn inwards and i cant stop them from being negative,

I'm in exactly the same position as you at mo for different reasons so I know how you're feeling.:hugs:

I knew that I would become how you're feeling if I didn't make a plan so I listed things I wanted to achieve to keep myself occupied. As I achieve each target, it gives me satisfaction when it's completed and at the same time these targets stop my mind from wandering onto unwelcome depressing or panicky thoughts. So far it's worked.

List some things you've put off that you really want to do and try to achieve each one before the children get home. If you can, go out for a walk or into town or even just potter in the garden, or even come on here to chat to others. Find laughter in your life. Don't sit and Think because it'll just make you feel more ill.

The only reason you're feeling worse is because you're allowing your mind to think too much by not giving it enough to focus on. Once you take control of your thoughts again by setting yourself targets or finding something enjoyable to look forward to each day, you'll start feeling better again.:hugs:

[kittykat]

Hi there,

I too know how your feeling. My HA was getting so much better, but im really struggling at the moment , its making me feel so anxious that im physically shaking with it. I'm seeing the doc this morning so im just going to tell her how im feeling, when i get worried like this i feel the need to surround myself with people cant be on my own, weird eh. I would go and see your doctor tell him/her how your feeling. Its nothing to be ashamed of we all have relapses, i suppose its how we deal with them, we got a bit better once so i bet we can do it again.........you take care xx

[popsy]

Thanks for all your replies. :hugs:
Im afraid im still not doing well, i cant believe how physically ill the anxiety and depression is making me feel. I feel so poorly and desperate....
I keep thinking if i didnt feel quite so physically ill i could try and move on from this. Im so dizzy, feel sick, cant eat and feel completely detrached from the world, i cant stop crying either, i feel like a total failure, i just cant see anyway forward at the moment. I just wish my partner was here to cuddle me but he's at work and i dont want to worry him by contacting him, he has a stressful job and dosent need more stress. :weep:

How can i have been feeling so much better over the past weeks when i had my partner and children with me during the holidays, and now be so desperate and feeling like i did 9 months ago when the anxiety reared its head?

Im so ashamed, people think i should be better by now, and are running out of patience i know they are, they must be sick of me moaning!
I just dont think my meds can be working anymore or something, i know the diazapam doesnt seem to be having any effect anymore. I am on the top dose of the anti-depressent they can give me so i feel like a lost cause really. Im trying to think positively but its so hard when you cant think of anything to be positive about and the world looks so grey and depressing...

I know ive had blips or setbacks before during my recovery but i can honestly say this is the worse one to date and im scared its not a set back but just how its going to be from now on. Im so tired...

Thank you for being there for me and replying to me, i find this is the only place i can be completely honest and vent my frustrations, when i want to say how negative im feeling my partner just gets cross with me and tells me saying things like that is exactly why im like i am! At least here i can actually say it!

I hope some of you guys are feeling better than i am, sorry for going on and on..... :hugs:

Love Popsy x x x

[Hope 2]

Hi Charlie

Ere ave one of these chuck :bighug1: xx

Oh you sound in a horrible place. I wish I had some fab advice. All I can offer is that I do, so know, just where your are coming from with how you feel. I know the sense of failure, the bleakness, the sheer apathy. With you feeling so bad, it is so very hard to find any motivation or energy to put into practice what we know may help us outta the hole.

I sense your despair at how things have got so bad again and that you have kinda gone back to square one. Maybe whilst you had yr family around you over the hols you felt more 'comfortable all round' with yourself and yr probs. Now you are on yr own again, the sense of doom has returned, leaving you without hope as the old bad place has returned.

Like others said, there are ups and downs. Yeah, we are all different in how we recover, but the point is, we can and do recover. Maybe you could try to think about the times when you have been better, as a kinda positive focus. I know, it's hard innit. I had soul destroying depression, black hole, never to return again, I know you know what I mean xx I guess what I am trying to say (eventually lol), is that when we feel so hideous, the only way is up, cliche I know. But the main thing that let some 'sunlight back in', for me was, time. And citalopram.

One thing that heavily contributed to my depression was the sense of failure (lost my career etc), but also the shame. Oh yeah and the feeling of being a pain in the rear for others to put up with. The pressure to continue getting better all the time is the pits as well, that's NOT failure on your part Charlie, that's peoples lack of understanding (of which im guilty of im sure previously). I have got there though, I am in a much better place. You can too, I am sure of it.

Regards
Hope xx

I really feel for you ......... and Milly xx too :bighug1: :bighug1: xx
I hope you can both take some hope/comfort that you CAN find a place so much brighter, it just takes time (bummer I know), take care guys.

[popsy]

:bighug1: Hope - you've made me cry, but in a good way, thank you for always being so understanding, just someone saying things are going to be okay helps me, especially as you've been there!

.......So now i must wipe my eyes and put a smile on my face and get on with the school run - im petrified :scared15: , i must be one of the only mothers who hopes for rain at school run times so i have an excuse to hurry and not speak to people or look them in the eye out of my hood!!!! :unsure: - you'd never believe i used to be a confident chatty bubbly person would you....!

~x~x~x~x~

[popsy]

:bighug1: Hope - you have made me cry, in a good way!!! You always know the right thing to say, and having someone say its going to be okay, helps so much - especially as you've been there, it gives me hope that you are feeling better and that i can too, that i can claw my way out of this awful black hole!

.....So now, i must brush away my tears, put on a smile and trudge off on the school run - im petrified! :scared15: I must be one of a very few mothers who prays for rain at school run times, so i have an excuse to hurry, not stop and speak and not have to make eye contact from under my hood! :unsure:

Then later hide the fear & tears from my children when we return.

You'd never believe i used to be a friendly, bubbly, confident person would you! :doh:

Thank you Hope and all others who have replied to me :flowers: .

Much Love
Charlie x x x (POPSY)

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

[erialc]

Popsy, I know what you mean about feeling like you are going backwards I feel the same at the moment.

I took your advice re reflexology and have booked to see him :) so one positive thing............so thank you for that

I hope things are better for you soon hun xxxxxxxx

Claire

[milly jones]

hunny i see a lovely, bubbly, confident person who is my rock in times of desperation, who i know i can text when im struggling, and who always always never judges what i say or do

u will always be my special nmp mate

as weve said often before, i wish we lived closer so we could share our lives, but at least i found u here pops, and i never want to lose u now

come on matey, smile, and hug that gorgeous family

and well move on together

hugs

milly xxxx

[Hope 2]

Hey Charlie

How you gettin on today ? I am just getting ready for the good old school run. Hate it too. I hate the pretence, I am a faker most days, all smiley and nice when really I just wanna leg it and tell everyone to feck off. Nice aint I. Hm.

Anyways just hope you ok xx I too am not the 'life and soul type' that I used to be. But for me, it was all an act anyway, to hide my anxiety.

Toodleloo chuck
Julia xx

[milly jones]

yes pops havent heard from u for a while, how are u doing

text anytime pet

love you

mill xxxx

[diane07]

Aww pops you poor love,

Anx is a real pain in the backside, but hey i learned one big thing with it, we have our good days and our bad days thats the way i have to see it. School runs.............. we'll help each other get through that pops, i'll text you constantly till you're back on safe ground again. What time do yours come out hun.

di xx

[popsy]

Hi.
Thank you ALL so much for your replies, sorry i havt been around for a few days my stupid laptop has died, luckily today ive high-jacked my hubbys computer so i have some link with the world again :)

Still not feeling great but am a bit better than i was, am desperately waiting for this phase to be over and i can move on, this has happened to me before, ive been doing well and then BAM ive felt terrible again, so im really hoping this is all it is, a blip! Of course part of me thinks this is it forever, but im trying not to listen to that! Im finding the depression which has come over me the hardest part to deal with of all, Milly once said it is suffercating and thats exactly what it is!

Thank you again for your support and understandng (i dont know how to thank you enough), i dont know what id do without you NMP guys, i really mean that! :hugs:

Love you
Charlie x x x x

[milly jones]

hugs pops xxxx

[jacqui doll]

Hi

just read your thread and understand how you feel. I am not in a good place at the moment. Two weeks ago i had a complete black out panic/aniexty aattack. Dont remember it. That was the lowest i have ever been. My kidz saw me being carted away and it broke their hearts. I'm trying to get on with things and for once i am taking all the help i can get. (drs med etc) i'm embarrssed that i let myself get that low but now all i think about is each day. i dont plan i just want to try and find myself and be the chatty person i once was. This site has been a god send for me and my hubby also reads it to help him understand. Dont be too sore on yourself as i find this is the worst thing i can do....putting high expections on yourself i find is the biggest downfall. Things will improve and it will take time.

Thinking of you :hugs:

xx

you can pm me anytime.xx

[Hope 2]

Hi Popsy

I am chuffed to hear yr feeling better, even if it is only a little. Yah never know this might just be the start of something brighter :winks: xx

I am so sad and very sorry for all of you that are going thru this.

I wish I could take it away, makes me heavy hearted.

Bye for now
Love Jules xx