sheba2
12-09-08, 22:36
I'm 52 and for most of my life I have suffered from health anxiety. Since my early teens I have worried that every twinge I got or every illness I heard about was going to result in my early death. As everybody on this site knows living with this constant fear and the panic that goes with it is a miserable existance. I have had medication and loads of counselling. Some of it has helped and I have had periods of time when I have felt reasonably normal but in the back of my mind I have always dreaded and feared that one day I would get something and that it would be bad.
ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT REAL ILLNESS STOP READING
So for about 6 years I have been in physical pain in my joints and muscles. At first I put it down to being unfit, having a baby at 45, my age and the fact that I suffer with panic attacks and high anxiety levels. My gp thought it might be fibromyalgia and gave me citalopram. Three years later and under a different gp blood tests showed raised inflammatory markers and I was diagnosed with polymyalgia and given steroids. Another 3 years passes and at last I see a rheumatologist who wonders why I wasn't sent to him years earlier and I suppose I wonder why too. Why didn't I push for this was it because a. I don't like being a nuisance b. I'm scared of finding out the truth or 3. My agorophobia is so bad that I just can't face it.
The rheumy decides to run every test known to man 'we need to eliminate things at this stage'. One of the tests happens to be a CT scan. Now being agorophobic this is a nightmare scenario. Going anywhere is really difficult. Being injected with a dye and lying in tunnel was going to be unbearable. And for me it was very upsetting but I was so relieved when it was over I forgot to worry about the results. BIG mistake. Nearly two weeks later and I get a copy of the scan and a copy of a letter that has been sent to my gp. No letter for me with an explanation. The scan has picked up Septated cysts on the ovaries and a mass in my liver. Now I thought I knew all there was to know about panic and fear. Believe me they are nothing compared to being faced with the real thing. Couldn't get to see my gp as he was on holiday had to wait 6 days. I was so scared I couldn't even use google. My daughter did it for me and gave me lots of positive feedback. During that six days I managed to partially convince myself that it wasn't so bad. WRONG. Saw my gp who was very kind but really and truly totally frightened the life out of me. Yes it could be cancer it could have spread etc etc. I needed blood tests and two more scans. The blood test was a particular cancer test.
I was so scared I was physically sick. I couldn't sleep or eat or even function really. I cried and cried. Well that was last Tuesday and although I haven't had all the results those that I have had have been positive. The blood test was normal The ovarian cysts are being monitered and are apparently ok at the moment. The mass in the liver couldn't be found in the second scan but I haven't had that confirmed yet but it is looking hopeful that it was a either a fat blob passing through or a simple cyst caused by the steroids.
So I have to ask myself what has this taught me and what if anything can I pass onto all the people here who are suffering from 'what if' worries. Yes I have wasted most of my life worrying about being given this sort of news. Strangely it isn't the fear of being ill so much as the feeling of having missed out that worries me. My biggest worry though was about how I would cope with the fear and the simple answer is, badly. I now know I am not one of lifes copers. I don't think I would be running marathons or doing marvellous fund raising activities. I was absolutely terror struck and the shock waves are still running through me. BUT I can honestly say it has made me appreciate my life again. I don't expect my anxiety to disappear over night but I am definitly not going to waste any more time worrying about those what ifs.
At the end of the day I have got something wrong it may be arthritis it may be something else and I'm sure I will worry about it when I find out but I sure as hell am not going to worry about any what ifs again.
I hope I haven't bored the pants off those who have trawled through this. Writing this down has really helped me.
ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT REAL ILLNESS STOP READING
So for about 6 years I have been in physical pain in my joints and muscles. At first I put it down to being unfit, having a baby at 45, my age and the fact that I suffer with panic attacks and high anxiety levels. My gp thought it might be fibromyalgia and gave me citalopram. Three years later and under a different gp blood tests showed raised inflammatory markers and I was diagnosed with polymyalgia and given steroids. Another 3 years passes and at last I see a rheumatologist who wonders why I wasn't sent to him years earlier and I suppose I wonder why too. Why didn't I push for this was it because a. I don't like being a nuisance b. I'm scared of finding out the truth or 3. My agorophobia is so bad that I just can't face it.
The rheumy decides to run every test known to man 'we need to eliminate things at this stage'. One of the tests happens to be a CT scan. Now being agorophobic this is a nightmare scenario. Going anywhere is really difficult. Being injected with a dye and lying in tunnel was going to be unbearable. And for me it was very upsetting but I was so relieved when it was over I forgot to worry about the results. BIG mistake. Nearly two weeks later and I get a copy of the scan and a copy of a letter that has been sent to my gp. No letter for me with an explanation. The scan has picked up Septated cysts on the ovaries and a mass in my liver. Now I thought I knew all there was to know about panic and fear. Believe me they are nothing compared to being faced with the real thing. Couldn't get to see my gp as he was on holiday had to wait 6 days. I was so scared I couldn't even use google. My daughter did it for me and gave me lots of positive feedback. During that six days I managed to partially convince myself that it wasn't so bad. WRONG. Saw my gp who was very kind but really and truly totally frightened the life out of me. Yes it could be cancer it could have spread etc etc. I needed blood tests and two more scans. The blood test was a particular cancer test.
I was so scared I was physically sick. I couldn't sleep or eat or even function really. I cried and cried. Well that was last Tuesday and although I haven't had all the results those that I have had have been positive. The blood test was normal The ovarian cysts are being monitered and are apparently ok at the moment. The mass in the liver couldn't be found in the second scan but I haven't had that confirmed yet but it is looking hopeful that it was a either a fat blob passing through or a simple cyst caused by the steroids.
So I have to ask myself what has this taught me and what if anything can I pass onto all the people here who are suffering from 'what if' worries. Yes I have wasted most of my life worrying about being given this sort of news. Strangely it isn't the fear of being ill so much as the feeling of having missed out that worries me. My biggest worry though was about how I would cope with the fear and the simple answer is, badly. I now know I am not one of lifes copers. I don't think I would be running marathons or doing marvellous fund raising activities. I was absolutely terror struck and the shock waves are still running through me. BUT I can honestly say it has made me appreciate my life again. I don't expect my anxiety to disappear over night but I am definitly not going to waste any more time worrying about those what ifs.
At the end of the day I have got something wrong it may be arthritis it may be something else and I'm sure I will worry about it when I find out but I sure as hell am not going to worry about any what ifs again.
I hope I haven't bored the pants off those who have trawled through this. Writing this down has really helped me.