Rebecca77
15-09-08, 19:15
When I wake up, every day the same thoughts race through my mind, is this my last day? Is my heart beating ok? What does that ache or pain mean, it has got to be something bad!! Frantic flashing images of me collapsing in front of a crowd of people or me in the house on my own with the doors locked and either dying or being extremely ill and nobody knowing, who will find me?, will an ambulance get to me in time or even if they do will the paramedics be able to get in the locked doors.
I am 31 and for about 15 years I have had anxiety sometimes extreme irrational anxiety and on rarer occasions an anxiety that has been quieter and not so intrusive. At the moment my levels are extemely high, but I want to try and change, to have a more ‘so what’ attitude to my invasive thoughts.
I thought if I put all my worries down in writing it may help me to get rid of some of them for good. I want a happy life, I want to be the life and soul, and I want to regain some of my confidence and put myself out there and actually live for once instead of just existing.
Mentally I have struggled with depression and anxiety which has manifested itself into a constant feeling that something is wrong with me, something really bad and I am going to die, leaving everyone behind who I love so dearly and there being nothing, not even nothing!
My main focus of anxiety at the moment is that there is something wrong with my heart, I get chest pains, arm pains, tingling in my hands, I feel my heart race or flutter and have a constant fluttering sensation in my throat and it stops me dead in my tracks. I have been to the doctors countless times with the symptoms; I have received ECG’s, blood test, blood pressure checks and a chest x-ray. The results of these tests have all been normal but I still believe there is something wrong. If only they would do more advanced checks them maybe I can except that I am ok and lay the fears to rest. Other people wish for a new car or a promotion at work, I wish for a medical expert to carry out tests on me that prove without a shadow of doubt everything is working as it should be.
On top pour a massive dollop of guilt and self consciousness, guilt for all those people who are seriously ill, for those that have lost someone close to them, guilt for spoiling things for others with my continuous moaning and need for reassurance that I haven’t got a life threatening disease and that the twinges are the same as everyone else’s.
The self conscience part is not so much about how I look, even though there is room for vast improvement, the self conscience part is if I collapse will I be dressed?, will my body be covered up?, will I lose control of my bodily functions in front of people?.
Another emotion that plays a big part in my life is jealously! not jealously over material things as such. But over other people’s minds and thoughts, why aren’t they consumed with such morbid thoughts, why aren’t they frightened like me.
Friends the same age as me seem to have much fuller lives, they travel, they socialise, and they take on new challenges. Most of the time I will avoid situations where I could be socialising, or doing something different and having fun. My friends go to concerts, they see others often, and I stay in often! And watch TV often! Due to my fear of death I feel I have now become frightened to live, it’s like if I just sit here and don’t move too much then I am not putting my body under any pressure so things are less likely to go wrong.
I have taken antidepressents for years now since I was about 17, I have been through the lot, Prozac, seroxat, citalopram, amitriptyline, mirtazipine. None of them have made much improvement or if they have it has been short lived so now with agreement from my doctor I have come off the tablets and hopefully will be embarking on a new treatment CBT. I am waiting to hear from the specialist to contact me and have been told the waiting list is long.
I do still take diazepam as and when needed, which sometimes takes the edge off for a short while.
I would really like to be in cotact with people who actually understand what I feel like and hopefully this will give me reassurance and I maybe able to reassure them. I apologise for the long winded entry I just feel that i am carrying a huge weight around with me all the time.
Rebecca xx
I am 31 and for about 15 years I have had anxiety sometimes extreme irrational anxiety and on rarer occasions an anxiety that has been quieter and not so intrusive. At the moment my levels are extemely high, but I want to try and change, to have a more ‘so what’ attitude to my invasive thoughts.
I thought if I put all my worries down in writing it may help me to get rid of some of them for good. I want a happy life, I want to be the life and soul, and I want to regain some of my confidence and put myself out there and actually live for once instead of just existing.
Mentally I have struggled with depression and anxiety which has manifested itself into a constant feeling that something is wrong with me, something really bad and I am going to die, leaving everyone behind who I love so dearly and there being nothing, not even nothing!
My main focus of anxiety at the moment is that there is something wrong with my heart, I get chest pains, arm pains, tingling in my hands, I feel my heart race or flutter and have a constant fluttering sensation in my throat and it stops me dead in my tracks. I have been to the doctors countless times with the symptoms; I have received ECG’s, blood test, blood pressure checks and a chest x-ray. The results of these tests have all been normal but I still believe there is something wrong. If only they would do more advanced checks them maybe I can except that I am ok and lay the fears to rest. Other people wish for a new car or a promotion at work, I wish for a medical expert to carry out tests on me that prove without a shadow of doubt everything is working as it should be.
On top pour a massive dollop of guilt and self consciousness, guilt for all those people who are seriously ill, for those that have lost someone close to them, guilt for spoiling things for others with my continuous moaning and need for reassurance that I haven’t got a life threatening disease and that the twinges are the same as everyone else’s.
The self conscience part is not so much about how I look, even though there is room for vast improvement, the self conscience part is if I collapse will I be dressed?, will my body be covered up?, will I lose control of my bodily functions in front of people?.
Another emotion that plays a big part in my life is jealously! not jealously over material things as such. But over other people’s minds and thoughts, why aren’t they consumed with such morbid thoughts, why aren’t they frightened like me.
Friends the same age as me seem to have much fuller lives, they travel, they socialise, and they take on new challenges. Most of the time I will avoid situations where I could be socialising, or doing something different and having fun. My friends go to concerts, they see others often, and I stay in often! And watch TV often! Due to my fear of death I feel I have now become frightened to live, it’s like if I just sit here and don’t move too much then I am not putting my body under any pressure so things are less likely to go wrong.
I have taken antidepressents for years now since I was about 17, I have been through the lot, Prozac, seroxat, citalopram, amitriptyline, mirtazipine. None of them have made much improvement or if they have it has been short lived so now with agreement from my doctor I have come off the tablets and hopefully will be embarking on a new treatment CBT. I am waiting to hear from the specialist to contact me and have been told the waiting list is long.
I do still take diazepam as and when needed, which sometimes takes the edge off for a short while.
I would really like to be in cotact with people who actually understand what I feel like and hopefully this will give me reassurance and I maybe able to reassure them. I apologise for the long winded entry I just feel that i am carrying a huge weight around with me all the time.
Rebecca xx