View Full Version : A week in the life of anxious thoughts..
Hi guys. I posted last week for the first time and thought i'd do another post. Hope you are patient with me. Anway as i said in my post last week, i suddenly had a vey fixated anxious thought in my head thinking what if i'm gay? I think it may have been triggered by a tv or news thing. Anyway as i said in my first post i am a happily married woman who loves being with her husband. He's my soul mate. So after a day or two i kinda reassured my self that it was anxiety getting the better of me but new thoughts then kept creeping in. I had to take last week off work. It's as if when anxiety is at it's peak your mind wants to try and pick out the things in life that scare you most and create a constant fear.
Anyway as i had this initial thought i found myself feeling anxious even speaking to my best mate, my female work colleagues, thinking do i find them attractive or love them? I know this is totally irrational,aware of the fact my anxiety felt sky high and , even around my mum horrible words would come into my head like motherf*****. Even watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle about paedophiles/child abuse i would think god imagine turning that way. :wacko: My imagination seems to be running wild. I'm scared as to what's gonna pop in their next. Does anxiety play on our worst fears? I feel i'm gonna be on edge all the time now thinking what random thing can you terrify yourself with next.
I'd just like to point out i have no issues with gay people at all btw, incase any of you reading this might have that preference, it's probably why it terrifies me so much cause i know i'm not but why am i thinking this way.
I've had two bouts of anxiety before, first one lasted around 3 months, 2nd one lasted around 2. This one has lasted a week so far but i want to try get it under control again. I feel as if i'm analysing myself a lot more and doing the dreaded "What if this really means..."
The past day or two i've found the physical symptoms starting to ease a little, i can breathe easier and my appetite is slowly incrasing again and today i returned to work - a course in a stuffy room with 16 people, not the ideal start back. I did feel at one point i wanted to escape, but i stuck it out.:yesyes: saying that i've never really had to run from a situation in panic, it's the constant thinking that gets to me.:mad: i'm hoping my return to work will get my mind focused on something else (although i work in mental health so maybe not). I had been off for two weeks prior to my week off last week, away to america on holiday and drank pretty much every day (not too heavily maybe 6 beers or so). The initial thought (gay) came straight into my head the morning after i had about a bottle and half of red wine? I know that's given me palpitations before. I also had coffee on the flight and had a really bad reaction to that.
Anyway sorry for rattling on, i don't really know what i want people to say, maybe just that they can understand what i'm going through and you can maintain anxiety. And for people to be honest i suppose.
Is this classic anxiety?:blush: Have i lost it:unsure: Why are my thoughts so weird and bloody terrifying!!:wacko: All opinions wanted?:hugs:
TRIXIETINKERBELL
15-09-08, 22:31
im the same with weird thoughts. this morning when i got up and was making coffee i thought am i still sleeping and dreaming!!!!!!!!!!!!! do i think im awake but sleeping. it was awful. i think its all part of anxiety. ive had it for about 4 months now, its a nightmare. :hugs: hope you feel better soon. x
evilbob333
15-09-08, 22:42
Put your mind at ease...this is entirely normal! A completely normal and understandable symptom of anxiety; i've had loads including (all proceeded with 'what if') i'm gay, i'm insane, i'm dreaming, i'm a paedophile, i'm gonna hurt or kill someone, i'm gonna hurt or kill myself, is this real, etc, etc... It really is unbelievably disconcerting and very strange, mainly because you know its an irrational thought. I find the best way round this is to think... do i believe this or is it worrying me because its a what if? All of the time i know what i really believe so i just try to accept the anxious thought for what it is...a thought, not a belief. I recognise and accept that its my mind trying to 'bluff' me.
The alcohol and coffee can make these thoughts worse/more prevalent for various reasons...but even so its still possible to deal with them in a caffeinated/drunk/hungover state!
Hope this helps!
Thanks for your replies trixie and bob. That's the worst part. I know i'm not gay or a paeodophile, it's anxiety trying to feed itself i suppose. God even watching eastenders there with the introduction of their new harrowing storyline was making me question myself "what if i ever did anything to my neice or nephew (not usually like this at all just seems to be when i'm anxious). I am questioning these beliefs, it does seem to be working, but it's exhausting!
Past couple of days though my anxiety seems to be going down a bit at a time (fingers crossed) x:hugs:
pepperpots
16-09-08, 09:57
Maybe try and avoid depressing programs. I'd recommend the American TV series 'My name is Earl'. It is about karma and is light hearted, funny and feel good - just what is needed in a negative moment.
Veronica H
16-09-08, 15:25
Hi Citygirl - I posted this earlier I thought it might help you -
I read this by the brilliant Dr Weekes and thought it might give you some reassurance;
"You must let your thoughts come, as is their habit, but you must understand that they are only thoughts and try not to be too impressed by them. They are like the surface waves, not the deep current that helps carry the ship along. Unfortunately the surface waves make so much more fuss than the deep current, and so seem so much more important. These frightening thoughts bring no truthful message, however forceful,real, they may seem. They bring a message only of habit and fear, and these are not reality".
There is also a reminder that "nervous illness is simply normal physiological process exaggerated and one cannot therefore blot it out completely; one can only reduce it to normal intensity".
its all good
16-09-08, 15:30
I think anxiety can make u think of all sorts and cums in many shapes and forms, from reading threads on here, every1 seems to suffer in different ways with anxiety problems. Keep ur chin up and know that u r not alone in ur thoughts or feelings xx
Thanks. I "think" i'm starting to deal a little better with the thoughts. At the moment i am now just feeling physically exhausted and thinking how little things seem such an effort. I'm trying to push my way through it though to feel a bit more with it again.
yea its hard, you will get through it though, honestly! you can be strong. dont let your mind dictate who u are, you are in control of ur aspirations dont ever think otherwise! aim high anything can be acheived! and leave anxiety behind x
Taken from a previous post of yours....
The thing is ideas will just pop into my head randomly and then i will sit and think about them constantly. Bringing myself to the sick to the pit of my stomach feeling.
You're obviously a worrier but you're also sensitive like most worriers are. When you hear or see something that triggers thoughts that frighten you, you start dwelling on thought and analysing every detail about it. The more you think about it, the worse you feel because you keep the fear alive by continually thinking about it.
When you then are in situations that triggers memories of this thought, the thought re-surfaces which then starts your anxiety and all the associated symptoms making it difficult for you to focus on what you're trying to say or do in the situation.
The thoughts then keep coming back because they still frighten you just as they did when they were first triggered.
When you hear or see something that frightens you DON'T dwell on it but instead let it go "through you" by treating it like everything else you hear and see every day. Take your mind away from it by focussing on something else. If a programme troubles you, turn over. If you still want to watch the programme, treat the issue raised as just part of the programme by not dwelling on it. You could also get up and go to the kitchen to make a cuppa etc. Anything to take your mind away from it.
Thoughts only keep re-surfacing because they frighten you and so you feel exhausted because you're trying to fight them off all the time. DON'T fight them. Let yourself think them like any other thought without tensing up to them and you'll then find the thoughts will leave you alone.:hugs:
Thanks Bill, rest of you guys, that's really informative.
I have went back to work this week and have found the distraction has been a good thing. I have found that the thoughts are still in my head but my physical anxiety symptoms have eased. Do you think this means that i am starting to combat the negative thoughts by not giving them importance? Not tensing up?
Do you think the thoughts will eventually go if my body is not responding to them in an anxious way? I feel at the moment i'm starting to get control back over the thoughts, but as a worrier, worry what bad thought will pop in next.
Is it true that when you are going through a period of anxiety, the sub-conscious mind will try pick out things that try to terrify you? Your worst fears i suppose? So that the anxiety can stay in control? Some of the fears are awful and really terrifying. But it's fears that i know were not there just over a week ago.
And your right about me being sensitive, i know i am. I have always been conscious of the fact that i'm a bit of a "perfectionist". I put all of my energy into my life, family life, work being perfect and know this is setting me up for a fall, nothing is perfect all of the time.
And i know this is probably another silly question to you guys, i know thoughts ultimately control your anxiety levels, but looking back i have had a really hectic workload in the past 2 months, doing the job of two people and running two departments, so although my initial anxiety was not brought on by the "thought" of work, could this be my mind and bodies way of saying i've been a little burnt out?
Thanks for your replies in advance.
Citygirl :)
i have had a really hectic workload in the past 2 months, doing the job of two people and running two departments, so although my initial anxiety was not brought on by the "thought" of work, could this be my mind and bodies way of saying i've been a little burnt out?
I think one of the most common causes that triggers extreme anxiety is after a period of immense stress where a sufferer has been put under too much unreasonable pressure such as in your case. As you say, we can only take on so much before we burn ourselves out which displays itself as anxiety symptoms.
i'm a bit of a "perfectionist". I put all of my energy into my life, family life, work being perfect and know this is setting me up for a fall, nothing is perfect all of the time.
Perfectionism can be a good thing because it makes us conscientious but it can also make us feel that everything is "our responsibility" because we want things "just right". This means we often won't allow help so won't delegate if there are others who can support us with our workload. We therefore try to do everything ourselves and won't shout when there's too much to do but ultimately we pay the price by burning ourselves out. We need to remember our limits and allow ourselves not to be so rigid for the sake of our own health.
Of course we also often feel it's a poor reflection on ourselves to our superiors if we feel we're not living up to our "own" expectations by thinking we should be capable of keeping everything together so we forget that it's not humanly possible to do more than one persons workload.
Perfectionism can affect our lives not just at work though because we will adopt the same attitude to chores etc in the home. We won't let others help even if they offer.
Is it true that when you are going through a period of anxiety, the sub-conscious mind will try pick out things that try to terrify you? Your worst fears i suppose? So that the anxiety can stay in control? Some of the fears are awful and really terrifying.
Perfectionism though also creates rigidness. We don't allow ourselves flexibility and this will create tension which in turn then will add more anxiety because tenseness causes excessive stress through worry which will create the thoughts that frighten us.
We like to feel "in control" of everything in our lives because it gives us security but life isn't secure. It's full of risk and things we can't control so that when things happen or we hear things we have no control over, these thoughts will create anxiety because they affect our feelings of security. We have to adopt a relaxed "care free" attitude to life. What will be, will be. We mustn't allow ourselves to be rigid or try to keep in control. We have to allow ourselves flexibilty and allow things to be "not just right".
For example, I remember someone I knew who had to keep their curtains perfectly straight but not for the obvious reasons you would think. They were afraid what the neighbours would think if they weren't straight but the reason was because they feared they'd think this person wasn't in control of their family. They feared losing control which created rigidness and anxiety through perfectionism. In reality, what would it really matter if the curtains weren't completely straight?
Do you think the thoughts will eventually go if my body is not responding to them in an anxious way? I feel at the moment i'm starting to get control back over the thoughts, but as a worrier, worry what bad thought will pop in next.
The thoughts may stay present for some time because of the imprint they've left but if you continue to not allow them to worry you when you have these fleeting thoughts, you'll find in time the mind will forget them because they'll become unimportant. However, you mustn't allow yourself to start worrying about the next bad thought because you'll be preparing your mind and body to start feeling anxious when something else arises that makes you feel afraid. You need to remember to treat everything you hear and see the same by saying to yourself "that you'll always hear about bad things as they are a fact a life" to allow your mind to accept them without trying to avoid or resist them. When they occur, just let them go through you without dwelling on them. Use the same method every time they occur by immediately focussing your mind on other more enjoyable thoughts.
One important thing to remember though is that if you've gone back to work with exactly the same workload, in time the stress levels will raise and this "could" trigger another bad anxiety episode. Too much stress makes it more difficult to cope with frightening thoughts because too much stress will trigger panicky feelings and so when we feel panicky we're already feeling afraid so frightening thoughts are more liable to stick. Therefore, try to look at ways to "prevent" another episode by looking at what you can do in your workplace to ease your workload such as delegating or prioritising. Also Ask for help if you need it. However, you also need to remember that perfectionism and a feeling of responsibility doesn't just exist in the workplace so you also need to look at ways to give yourself more relaxation time at home, both indoors and by going out to enjoy yourself.:hugs:
Hi again.
Thanks for that detailed reply Bill. I have some extra help at work now which has reduced my workload so hopefully that will help.
Having some of my thoughts again today so just trying to deflect from them. Some days i just find them trying to creep in. I think your right in saying the best thing to do is try not fight them and let them wash over you. It's hard though cause you think god if this is true it's such a life changing thing. It's the reassurance thing again i think.:blush:
just picked up on this thread, interesting that you work in mental health citygirl so do I and I think thats what set me off becoming ill, the workloads are horrendous and you mention the stuffy room with 16 people, you are spooking me now its exactly like that in our place!
bill your posts are excellent, that one about perfectionism and home and work has really struck a chord with me its given me loads to think about
its not easy is it this life business
Heather
Hi Heather. I wonder at times if my job is a help or hindrance. It's more of a theraputic place i work in, not a ward setting or anything and i'm not a nurse. But the people i work with have a range of mental health problems, schizophrenia, bipolar etc.
I find i probably put too much pressure on myself, hence the anxiety.
I get anxious about the least thing. Things "normal" folk would just brush off. But i can obsess about worries for days/weeks. It's like my mind tries to think about the things in life that would scare me most if that makes any sense.
I know exactly where you are coming from I work in a big psych dept as a med sec and you see all sorts of mental illnesses, I sometimes wonder if work is a help, and I do worry and obsess a lot usually about the physcial symptoms and what affects they are having on my health ie will too much worry bring on a stroke or something like that, or am I showing the early signs of something very sinister (I wouldn't dream of saying all that scares me in case I frighten some one very sensitive on here)
As Bill mentioned I think stress and burnout kicked it all off for me.
Heather
I think when i look back i've always worried about stuff. You know what it's like when your going through a period of anxiety you analyse yourself more.
I was always a shy person, and i think my anxiety has only really surfaced when i went into my 20's. I worry about ridiculous stuff, as you've probably read the most recent worry is that i'm actually gay. I know i'm not as i'm happily married and loved up with my hubby. And from early on always fancied guys. So i know rationally that i'm not but these thoughts are scary to me. Then when i get the anxiety under control i worry that if the thought of being gay doesn't worry me then maybe i actually am. I even worry now round my best friend just cause that thoughts in my head:blush: . It's a nightmare at times but i know deep down i can control it. It's just hard some days.
I've also noticed when i've had a drink my anxiety gets worse. But i've always liked a glass of wine or cold beer:wacko:
Oh my god. Does anyone reading these think 'that's me...that's what I'm like!' City Girl, just reading your post has calmed me. I know exactly what you mean about watching a TV programme and then suddenly getting scared by the 'what ifs'!! My way around it now is to say 'okay, that might happen but if it does I'll deal with it when it happens... i can't be arsed to deal with it now' and a lot of time it works. Your Gay thing is a typical anxiety symptom.. 2 people I know with anxiety had exactly the same thing. Both aren't gay at all and are over it now - they know they're not. But they were so scared they were... it consumed them all of the time! But they're okay now. So have no fear, it's NOT REAL! I have had all the fears too.. I'm going schizo, I'm going to kill someone, what happens if I want to hurt my niece etc etc... well, it hasn't happened and it won't. I think the people that do do these types of things aren't even aware they're wrong and get a kick out of - now listen to us lot - we're scared of even the thought of it!!
Stupid anxiety - it has a lot to answer for!
You're not gay!
Another trick to try is to imagine a bin in your head and then put that thought in the bin and put a lid on it... do that every time you have the thought.. and say in your mind 'boring now'... if you do that every time eventually you'll stop thinking it... you just need to retrain your brain.
I can honestly say you're not gay. I've been freaking about suicide and worrying about me doing it.. but after reading loads on here again I can just see how it's just anxiety feeding anxiety. I'm going to challenge myself to read everything that I usually avoid and watch everything i want to watch even if it mentions stuff I'm scared of, because it's not going to mean i'm any more likely to do it! How can it?! If I read about winning the lottery every day it doesn't mean I'm going to win it does it.. so I can apply that theory to negative stuff too.
Hmmm, thanks City Girl. You wouldn't know it but you've really calmed me!
Kelly
Hi Kelly. Thanks for your reply.
I'm so glad that folks understand this one. It's been driving me mad. Anxiety and irrational thoughts ehh. I honestly don't know where this all comes from. Why do some of us worry a "lot" more than others.
My thinking seems to be all over the place at the minute - here's one of my typical thought patterns. - what if i'm gay= if i'm thinking this i must be = analyse all my relationships with the females in my life = have i ever thought of my friends in that way = am i flirty with my friends = maybe i've been in denial = this is going to make me lose my husband = what will everyone say/think. It gets to the point were i'm terrifying myself. I know it's natural for women to be the more emotional sex so obviously there is going to be more conversation, touching, feelings. But my anxiety is trying to grab hold of it and read into things that aren't there.
I think i'm probably a really sensitive person and take way too much to heart.
I worry that will i have these thoughts now for life, always questionning myself because it is such a personal thing. I have laughed at the thoughts when i'm feeling less anxious and it does seem to work, but then that wee seed of doubt creeps in again. I just need to tell myself that i am in control of my thoughts - yes they might be there but the less importance i give to them then hopefully they should fade over time.
I just wish at times i was more mentally tough.:mad:
Why do some of us worry a "lot" more than others.
Answer - we lack self-confidence.
Why do we "let things" worry us more than others?
Answer - I think i'm probably a really sensitive person and take way too much to heart.
I have laughed at the thoughts when i'm feeling less anxious and it does seem to work, Why can we do this "only" when we feel less anxious?
Answer - because the rest of the time we're feeling under too much stress which creates and compounds the thoughts making us worry more.
So some answers? Build self-confidence, learn not to dwell on worrying on thoughts and find ways to ease stress which triggers our anxiety so we can stay as relaxed as possible.
Heather - in case you're interested, I've written other posts about perfectionism too. It's good to be conscientious but perfectionism can also create alot of our problems resulting in OCD issues!
By the way, in case you haven't read my posts, I care for my wife who suffers from Schizophrenia so I guess you could say I work in your field too! lol:hugs:
You are a devoted husband Bill big respect to you. :winks:
I know in my heart of hearts the majority of time i can control my anxiety. I had pretty much a sleepless night last night and i find this really affects my anxiety too. I'm lying tossing and turning while my husband is fast asleep. Then i'm tired the next morning which makes me more irritable.
I just hate having irrational thoughts come into my head, then when i feel better i'm kinda waiting to see what pops in there next. I know i'm repeating myself a lot. :doh:
"Don't" try to control your anxiety. I know what you're saying but in life we mustn't try to control emotions because in a way it means you're trying to keep in control of yourself and what you're allowing yourself to think.
In other words, if you try to resist or block thoughts. they'll keep coming back to haunt you. You need to "let go", to allow yourself to think Every thought but treat them all in the same way.
Controlling creates tension. Tension causes stress and more anxiety. Let yourself experience these thoughts but let them through you without dwelling on them. This is how you deal with anxious thoughts when you're Not occupied by something. Let them flow through you without trying to resist them. Think them without tensing up. Let them go without dwelling on them. Treat them like a blink of an eye. A blink is a natural reaction just as thoughts are natural too.
If we allow a thought to worry us, it'll keep coming back. Don't try to control your anxiety. Don't try to resist natural feelings. Don't tense up to natural thoughts.:hugs:
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