'no no no no no'

[ade]

i suffer nightly night terrors about being sexually abused as a boy.
last nights was particularly graphic and explicit,i wont say any details
but it involved the violation of my body.i woke up in a start and realised i was shouting out for help,begging for mercy.i asked my wife what she could hear.
i had been shouting out NO NO NO NO .whenever i resist in my nightmares
there is always a price to pay,as there was in the abuse.what upsets me is that however i try to shield my angels from my experiences,i can do nothing to hide my screaming out,my violent sickness and the subsequent weeping like the 4 yr old i was when it began.my little girl who is 8 has been told that bad men hurt daddy,i had to tell her something truthful,i just had to,and she told me 'if i ever find them im gonna give em a kick up the bloody ass' !!!!!
oh bless her.that helped me so much.
all i can try and do is to cherish my loved ones and give them a safe,loving,fun childhood. i know i have broken the cycle,but boy have i paid the price.after waking i felt so so dirty and violated.physically i was in a state of terror and stood in the shower shaking and crying for my mum.
this child in my soul is in such pain,and seeing my beautiful young wife and our exquisite children,whilst a joy,makes me have to acknowledge what was anihilated by rape.
:weep:

[milly jones]

just want to hold u til the pain goes away hun, ur thread made me weep

(in a nmp virtual sense that is)

just take strength that we are all here for u hunny

i know u have a wonderful family to support u

but if u ever need an uninvolved voice

were all here behind u

mill xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[nanny]

I simply can't imagine what you must go through, for all it's worth here is a big big :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: to comfort you.

[marie1974]

hiya i really do feel for u hun and i cant possibly imagine the torment u must be going through, have u had counselling and stuff for this? i really dont know how to tell u to try and help make this go away, all i can say is u have a lovely family and all us here to help u through it.

i dont know whether more counselling would help u, but i hope u manage to find a way to get through all this and i trully hope the person who did this to u has suffered for it hun. xxxxxxx

[ade]

thank you so much for your kindness milly donna and nanny
really appreciated
:flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:

[diane07]

Ade,

Its a difficult road, and a horrendous one.
I too had my childhood taken from me and for years i lived in that nightmare night after night.
Seven and a half years of abuse............
My heart goes out to you, its lovely that you have such a wonderful family to help you and support you now.
Feel free to pm if you need any help and i'll help you all i can

best wishes
di xx

[jodie]

ade

i am so sorry you have gone through such a bad horrid time as a child i can not say i know what you are going through but i do hope you fine peace in your life and a way of sorting these night terrors ,as for your kids you sound like a good day and at the and of the day thats what matters right now.
have you had help with it you know somone to talk to ect ?
:bighug1:
jodie xxx

[Lynnann]

Hi Ade,

My heart is with you as always; you are a good dad and your kids love you.
The way you deserve to always have been loved; take heart in the fact that you are finally recognised as the wonderful person that you really are.

We can't erase the past; much as we both wish it was possible; all we can do is continue to try and move forward with our lives and hope that with time and healing the difficult times will diminish in frequency and intensity.

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[dianes]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: for you Ade,
I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. A few years ago I had to have an operation (it was one of many) I won't go into detail but I came awake during the procedure and couldn't move a muscle. Six months down the line I started sufffering with horrendous nightmares reliving the op and abuse that had happened to me in childhood. Then I started suffering daily flash backs where my surroundings would dissapear and I was back in theatre having the op. certain images on tele would trigger a flash back or certain situations. It was a living hell and severe depression soon followed.
Eventually I sought help from my GP who sent me for councelling. The first time I went for 6 months, she was a lovely lady, but, it didn't help. Months later I was sent to another hospital for R.E.M (rapid eye movement) therapy, again it didn't work, nothing changed, I continued to live in hell day and night. I had attended a 4 wk pain management course at St. Thomas' hosp. in London before the op, we had a physciatrist as our course councellor. In desperation I contacted him and explained what had happened to me and asked him if he could help in any way. He explained, that I was suffering with P.T.S.D and said I would need specialist councelling. Thank God he referred me to a truama clinic in London where I underwent 4 yrs of specialist trauma councelling. For the last part of the treatment I had to wean off 55mg Diazepam before we could complete the treatment but it was worth it. Thankfully I no longer have the nightmares or flash backs.
I don't know what part of the country you live, but I would ask your GP to refer you for trauma councelling.

Sorry for the long post Ade, I really hope and pray that this helps.

:hugs: :hugs: to you and your family

Diane

[co-okie]

i just want to hold you and protect you from all the horrible thing that has happened to you.
no one should have to go through pain like that. i was once raped to by someone i thought i could trust and it desroyed my life, my trust and my relationships. and um trying to pick up the pieces but have and im happy for you. your daughter sounds like a really nice person and im glad your family support you. if you even need anything mail me and ill help.
always.
co-okie
x