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SeekingCenter
23-05-05, 02:15
Hello, I am new here. I have anxiety, PTSD, and OCD. I am interested in feedback from anyone coping with a dysfunctional workplace that is a replay of growing up in a dysfunctional family. I seem to go from one dysfunctional workplace to the next. In each, despite a very excellent set of skills and a very professional demeanor, I always get cast as the outcast/pariah because I will not play along with the dysfunction.

In my current workplace "the game" is a co-worker who is abusive. She is leading a project and no matter how high I jump, it is not good enough for her (the boss treats her like a favored child so I have no relief there). I have been making myself sick with exhaustion trying to meet her (co-worker's) expectations but now it is clear that no matter what I do she will have a putdown.

There's more to it but that's the crux of it.

What is happening to me now is that every time I get an email from the co-worker or a phone call or an instant message (she works in another part of the country), My stomach knots up. I hate the way she treats me (like a slave) and I hate the game of "you'll never jump high enough for me."

Friends say the situation and her expectations are so unrealistic why let her bother you, just do your best and accept that you'll get nothing but criticism. It bothers me because I have so little self esteem.

What I want to do foremost is stop this PTSD reaction of clenching my stomach with every contact from her. I know that she is a callback to other abusers in my life and my body is wired to react as such.

What I also want to do is find a way to stop being emotionally affected by how I am treated in this workplace. Yes, I am looking for another job but it seems everywhere I work is just a variation on this dysfuncitonal there. I have to change me.

Any thoughts, ideas, feedback would be most welcome. I hate allowing my job to make me sick and it is.

buffybot
23-05-05, 08:57
hi ya

My situation was very much like yours awhile back and i to suffer with OCD and PTSD so i know the awfulness you have there.I have worked with a number of awful people in the past i know how it can get you down that is why i left my last job because it was to much,you would not believe how sad a number of them where.I am going self employed as this gives you power over who you have to be with 5 days aweek...and for me this is the only way and i am not getting any younger to be to fussy either.
I see you are from the USA so your work place culture may be some what different but i have seen a change in the uk over the last 25 years of it not being how good you are at your job that gets you on but rather how you get on with those that matter ..sad..but that is how it is.
Anyway it sounds like you are banging your head against the wall and to be honest the only way is to go because you will never change the people you work with,as i found to my cost .
Anyway i hope you find another job soon and take care

Meg
23-05-05, 10:11
Hey Hun..

Is there a common denominator here of power ?

She does it because she can and can get away with it too- similar to what parents do - just because they can and it meets their needs of oneupmanship.

With such target focussed businesses these days someone is always accountable for something and they will meet it despite who they trample on along the way so they will exploit if necessary to heave themselves up another notch..

Also some people with little self esteem get their confidence boosted by knowing they can exert these powers.

Love

Meg

SeekingCenter
23-05-05, 15:18
Thanks buffybot (I am a huge Buffy fan, too) and Meg for your responses.

Buffybot, my women's group met yesterday and one member said to me just what you did - you need to be self employed so you can make your own work environment. I am planning to go back to school to become a psychologist in private practice, but it will likely be a ten-year endeavor as I will have to do it part time. I have not thought about how I might be self-employed in some other way. I have also not thought about how I might work for a company but maybe out of my home so that I at least have some remove from the dysfunction. Thanks for getting the thought process going. I'm glad you have improved your situation.

Yes, Meg, it is all about power. She knows she has the boss's backing and can get away with anything.

I worked hard all weekend to get right with myself. Today, I see very clearly that the abuser operates in absolute chaos and chaos frightens me because my childhood was so chaotic and chaos meant danger. BTW, the abuser misses ALL of her deadlines but I am expected to be superhuman. Something I decided today was to start working less hard. I also see this morning that the abuser gives conflicting directions, so now I am pressing her to spell out what she wants. It seems she thinks I should know what she wants. I am also reading a book called Controlling People that is helping a lot. It says that controlling people do not see other people as separate individuals but rather an extension of themselves.

The biggest thing I need to work on is not clenching my stomach or allowing myself other reactive responses when I get an email or instant message from the abuser. An important icon for me is Quan Yin, the goddess of compassion. I brought in a Quan Yin figure and put her between my keyboard and monitor as a reminder to be compassionate to myself and not to let the abuser "in".

Interesting that after I left ill on Friday afternoon, the abuser is all sickly sweetness today - you are a godsend, what would I do without you. I have spent enough time with her in person to know that this kind of thing is yet another manipulation, that there is absolutely no sincerity in it.

bluebottle
23-05-05, 20:03
I run www.workplacebullying.com we'd be pleased to see you there.

--
Blue
"to hope till Hope creates from its own wreck the thing it contemplates"

sal
23-05-05, 23:12
Hi Mate

Sounds to me that they are going to push you as far as they can and as sad as it sounds they are gaining pleasure from this.

Not the way to go on at all and you are a lot better than they are and although hard you can only be you and not measure up to there unimaginable standards.

You do your best that you are and log it all down so you have every incident major and minor as back up.

People like that thrive on power but when the power is knocked from under them they are nothing and cant survive without it. Stick with it and keep it all logged and see how it goes from here.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

SeekingCenter
27-05-05, 02:49
Thanks, Sal and bluebottle for your replies.

Tony, I checked out your forum and like it a lot. l hope to spend some more time there when time allows. Thank you for taking a traumatic experience and using it to help others cope.

I'm with you, Sal on the CYA as we call it here. I copy my top boss on every single email so that I have proof of "you didn't . . . "

I'm doing somewhat better since I posted. First of all, I've stoppped working to the point of exhaustion. I take time to refill my water, eat lunch, etc. Also, instead of jumping when the abuser gives an order, I say "I'll be with you in a few minutes" and go do something to take care of myself like refill my water.

I'm also hearing from my clients that they are very impressed with my work so that takes some of wind out of the abuser's "no matter how high you jump, it will never be enough."

I know I absolutely cannot allow my health to decline as I am coping with a few chronic conditions.

So, it's a journey. I'm very grateful for the support here and hope to visit more often.