Snoopy1980
19-09-08, 10:38
Hi everyone,
I am here because I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks for a few years now.
Ok let me tell you a bit about my background. I was sexually abused as a child and have always been the quite one ever since. I was also sexually abused again when I was in school and again in high school.
I grew up thinking sex was all that men wanted and if you gave them that, then they would be happy and your relationship would work fine.
I had boyfriends, and I guess my relationships were ok, you know the usual, breakups etc. But they never lasted long.
My dad, due to the nature of his work was rarely home and me and my brother saw him when he was home, every 6 months. So I guess mum was like my dad and mum combined.
When I was 17 years old, my parents decided to migrate to a different country. I was in a relationship at the time and it was hard to let go, but my boyfriend at the time promised he would follow in about a year.
I hated out new country and didn’t want to meet any new friends, my parents tried, but I just sat in the corner and cried...I did this for almost a month. I used to talk to my boyfriend every day.
At the time I got enrolled into university and I hated it. One of our neighbours came over and offered to help me with my studies. He was 32 years old and I was 17. His intentions were not good. He made sure I was reliant on him and he used to pick me up and drop me off to uni....I was too scared to say or do anything. He knew I had a boyfriend, and continually kept saying how bad it was going to be once my boyfriend gets here, that I won't be able to concentrate and that I'd fail my exams.
I was petrified. This guy used to use his money to buy me stuff when I was down and use me totally. He had a bad anger problem and used to call me all sorts of names. I am embarrassed to say them. He also had a split personality and said mean things one moment and then said he was sorry the next. One day he was mad and threw me down some stairs. I was shocked! I still didn’t have the guts to tell my folks. Then he started asking me to do physical stuff to him in a sexual way....it was disgusting, but I did it because I was scared.
My boyfriend eventually moved to my new country but a shocking thing happened. I saw him and panicked. He didn't seem the same, I mean it was him, but all of a sudden I didn’t want to be close to him, didn’t want to kiss him....it felt disgusting! And now he was here in the new country for me! I wanted him to vanish.
I was so rude, because I didn’t know what was going on. Eventually he gave up and found someone new. I started stopping all contact with my neighbour after I graduated.
Anyway, a few months down the track I went back to my x and said I still had feelings for him, but he too tricked me into thinking he was single, when later I found out he was with someone while he was with me!!
I went through a lot of relationships since and in each and every one of them there has been a level of panic. And I eventually give up and end it.
One boyfriend gave me an ultimatum and said after 5 months of seeing me "marry me or else I have a line of chicks waiting"....I panicked again......
He is now married.
All that was the past. What I am having an issue with is my current relationship.
Now this guy is a college friend of mine. I was one of the good-looking girls and of course always loved the attention from the best looking guys. Similarly most of my boyfriends have been pretty good-looking. This guy is average looking. but in college he was nuts about me. I hardly noticed him.
He has been nuts about me for 11 years (I am 28 years now).
A year and a half ago, we started chatting online......we stay in different countries. He was then going through a divorce, as he and his wife weren't getting on. We got chatting and in a month he confessed to me that he was in love with me 11 years ago and always had been and when I felt my country, he thought he'd never see me again and fell in love with someone else and got married. But all this time he had never thought we'd get in touch again. I felt like I could talk to him about everything and he was amazing.....we used to talk about everything under the sun and I found myself falling in love with this person at the other end of the phone.
We decided to meet in his country after 3 months, and it was great. The only thing was that he was a bit on the chubby side, but that didn’t seem to bother me too much then.
We had a great 10 days together and even got intimate. Everything was great:)
I came back to my country and we continued talking about the future and how I would move there etc. I was going back there in Dec 07, and I couldn’t wait.....I was in love and for the first time I felt on the top of the world!!
I left on 27dec and was there on 28th Dec......I saw him at the airport and everything was fine....we checked into our hotel and that night we tried to get intimate.....for some reason when we were making love, it wasn't as smooth and hurt. I cried in pain and he immediately stopped. From that moment I started panicking bad!!
I panicked all night, in the morning I wanted to go back to my country.....I wanted to leave......I felt such a bad feeling and I didn’t now why......we tried to go to the lobby for breakfast, but when we entered the cafe I felt everyone looking at me and him and judging us.....like he wasn't good enough for me.....I couldn't put anything into my mouth.....I just couldn't eat...I felt sick....I wanted to leave and go back into my room.
He was lovely the whole time, being very understanding and asking me what would make it easier for me. He even called the doctor to my room. The doc prescribed anti anxiety pills.....
But it only got worse, and I spent all 3 weeks in my room with him caring for me....I didn’t want him near me....I said 'I don’t love you' 'I think its because you are hairy and fat' I was confused. It just didn’t feel right!!
We used to try and venture out, but I didn’t want to be seen with him in any public areas and I wanted to retreat back to my room. I was a mess.
Through out this time he was extremely understanding and said it was ok.
I felt to come back......and when I got back....I didn’t want to go to work....I just couldn't enter my work building.....everyone was going to ask me how my boyfriend was and how my holiday went.....I didn’t want to answer them.
I finally got the courage to start driving and going to wk. I started counselling and also told my parents about my abuse as a child. They were shocked.
All this while my boyfriend was making sure I was ok....when I didnt want to talk to him he'd respect that. We decided to keep in touch and see where it goes.....he decided to make a trip to see me....so in June he got here.....again when he landed....I was fine....that day was fine. In the evening we were meeting some friends for dinner....as we sat at the table....I could feel it coming on and in a matter of 15 min I was having a panic attack.....he had to take me home.....for the rest of his stay I was in terrible shape....panicking all the time....falling asleep exhausted.
He still was by my side....and said he doesn’t care if I am like this. That he loves me no matter what.
I was feeling so guilty for putting him thru this.
He left and it took me a while but I was back to my normal self....
Now I have decided again to see him in Feb 09. I am feeling scared.....and lately I have been having night mares and stupid thoughts keep coming to my mind.....what if I fancy other more good-looking guys down the track......he is average looking but I know there is something special we have and that’s why we have lasted so long......its been bloody hard....but its getting worse I keep getting panic attacks about him really fat and ugly and people looking at us and going 'what are you doing with him' ? 'you could have done much better.......Its driving me insane! I am not sleeping and just have moments when I dont feel a thing....like a zombie....
I am still going to confront my fear and go and see him in Feb, but I am s**t scared! and why am I comparing him to every guy I come in contact with, its like he has to measure up to ABC, otherwise it won't work! I am more worried about what others will think!
Help......I love this guys and really want this to work.....but my mind is playing games and I just can’t seem to win. It makes me sound so shallow.....and I know Im not, but then why am I experiencing such bad panic attacks when I am with him, or when I think of us as a couple together!!!
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I am here because I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks for a few years now.
Ok let me tell you a bit about my background. I was sexually abused as a child and have always been the quite one ever since. I was also sexually abused again when I was in school and again in high school.
I grew up thinking sex was all that men wanted and if you gave them that, then they would be happy and your relationship would work fine.
I had boyfriends, and I guess my relationships were ok, you know the usual, breakups etc. But they never lasted long.
My dad, due to the nature of his work was rarely home and me and my brother saw him when he was home, every 6 months. So I guess mum was like my dad and mum combined.
When I was 17 years old, my parents decided to migrate to a different country. I was in a relationship at the time and it was hard to let go, but my boyfriend at the time promised he would follow in about a year.
I hated out new country and didn’t want to meet any new friends, my parents tried, but I just sat in the corner and cried...I did this for almost a month. I used to talk to my boyfriend every day.
At the time I got enrolled into university and I hated it. One of our neighbours came over and offered to help me with my studies. He was 32 years old and I was 17. His intentions were not good. He made sure I was reliant on him and he used to pick me up and drop me off to uni....I was too scared to say or do anything. He knew I had a boyfriend, and continually kept saying how bad it was going to be once my boyfriend gets here, that I won't be able to concentrate and that I'd fail my exams.
I was petrified. This guy used to use his money to buy me stuff when I was down and use me totally. He had a bad anger problem and used to call me all sorts of names. I am embarrassed to say them. He also had a split personality and said mean things one moment and then said he was sorry the next. One day he was mad and threw me down some stairs. I was shocked! I still didn’t have the guts to tell my folks. Then he started asking me to do physical stuff to him in a sexual way....it was disgusting, but I did it because I was scared.
My boyfriend eventually moved to my new country but a shocking thing happened. I saw him and panicked. He didn't seem the same, I mean it was him, but all of a sudden I didn’t want to be close to him, didn’t want to kiss him....it felt disgusting! And now he was here in the new country for me! I wanted him to vanish.
I was so rude, because I didn’t know what was going on. Eventually he gave up and found someone new. I started stopping all contact with my neighbour after I graduated.
Anyway, a few months down the track I went back to my x and said I still had feelings for him, but he too tricked me into thinking he was single, when later I found out he was with someone while he was with me!!
I went through a lot of relationships since and in each and every one of them there has been a level of panic. And I eventually give up and end it.
One boyfriend gave me an ultimatum and said after 5 months of seeing me "marry me or else I have a line of chicks waiting"....I panicked again......
He is now married.
All that was the past. What I am having an issue with is my current relationship.
Now this guy is a college friend of mine. I was one of the good-looking girls and of course always loved the attention from the best looking guys. Similarly most of my boyfriends have been pretty good-looking. This guy is average looking. but in college he was nuts about me. I hardly noticed him.
He has been nuts about me for 11 years (I am 28 years now).
A year and a half ago, we started chatting online......we stay in different countries. He was then going through a divorce, as he and his wife weren't getting on. We got chatting and in a month he confessed to me that he was in love with me 11 years ago and always had been and when I felt my country, he thought he'd never see me again and fell in love with someone else and got married. But all this time he had never thought we'd get in touch again. I felt like I could talk to him about everything and he was amazing.....we used to talk about everything under the sun and I found myself falling in love with this person at the other end of the phone.
We decided to meet in his country after 3 months, and it was great. The only thing was that he was a bit on the chubby side, but that didn’t seem to bother me too much then.
We had a great 10 days together and even got intimate. Everything was great:)
I came back to my country and we continued talking about the future and how I would move there etc. I was going back there in Dec 07, and I couldn’t wait.....I was in love and for the first time I felt on the top of the world!!
I left on 27dec and was there on 28th Dec......I saw him at the airport and everything was fine....we checked into our hotel and that night we tried to get intimate.....for some reason when we were making love, it wasn't as smooth and hurt. I cried in pain and he immediately stopped. From that moment I started panicking bad!!
I panicked all night, in the morning I wanted to go back to my country.....I wanted to leave......I felt such a bad feeling and I didn’t now why......we tried to go to the lobby for breakfast, but when we entered the cafe I felt everyone looking at me and him and judging us.....like he wasn't good enough for me.....I couldn't put anything into my mouth.....I just couldn't eat...I felt sick....I wanted to leave and go back into my room.
He was lovely the whole time, being very understanding and asking me what would make it easier for me. He even called the doctor to my room. The doc prescribed anti anxiety pills.....
But it only got worse, and I spent all 3 weeks in my room with him caring for me....I didn’t want him near me....I said 'I don’t love you' 'I think its because you are hairy and fat' I was confused. It just didn’t feel right!!
We used to try and venture out, but I didn’t want to be seen with him in any public areas and I wanted to retreat back to my room. I was a mess.
Through out this time he was extremely understanding and said it was ok.
I felt to come back......and when I got back....I didn’t want to go to work....I just couldn't enter my work building.....everyone was going to ask me how my boyfriend was and how my holiday went.....I didn’t want to answer them.
I finally got the courage to start driving and going to wk. I started counselling and also told my parents about my abuse as a child. They were shocked.
All this while my boyfriend was making sure I was ok....when I didnt want to talk to him he'd respect that. We decided to keep in touch and see where it goes.....he decided to make a trip to see me....so in June he got here.....again when he landed....I was fine....that day was fine. In the evening we were meeting some friends for dinner....as we sat at the table....I could feel it coming on and in a matter of 15 min I was having a panic attack.....he had to take me home.....for the rest of his stay I was in terrible shape....panicking all the time....falling asleep exhausted.
He still was by my side....and said he doesn’t care if I am like this. That he loves me no matter what.
I was feeling so guilty for putting him thru this.
He left and it took me a while but I was back to my normal self....
Now I have decided again to see him in Feb 09. I am feeling scared.....and lately I have been having night mares and stupid thoughts keep coming to my mind.....what if I fancy other more good-looking guys down the track......he is average looking but I know there is something special we have and that’s why we have lasted so long......its been bloody hard....but its getting worse I keep getting panic attacks about him really fat and ugly and people looking at us and going 'what are you doing with him' ? 'you could have done much better.......Its driving me insane! I am not sleeping and just have moments when I dont feel a thing....like a zombie....
I am still going to confront my fear and go and see him in Feb, but I am s**t scared! and why am I comparing him to every guy I come in contact with, its like he has to measure up to ABC, otherwise it won't work! I am more worried about what others will think!
Help......I love this guys and really want this to work.....but my mind is playing games and I just can’t seem to win. It makes me sound so shallow.....and I know Im not, but then why am I experiencing such bad panic attacks when I am with him, or when I think of us as a couple together!!!
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