Help...Diazemap woes

[lostsoul]

Hi all

I really struggling at the mo :weep: I was doing much better recently coping with my GAD started going out a bit more. And all of a sudden its all come back and Ive started to abuse the Diazepam just to get me throught the day - was given a six week supply at 10mg a day and its not due to run out for two weeks but its gonna run out next week at this rate as Ive been taking around 15 - 20 mgs a day now I scared of the withdrawal - was dependant on the 10mgs now I scared Ive become dependant on the 20mg dont know what Im gonna say to the social worker as I gonna need a new prescription much earlier than its due. I dont feel like Im getting any better I was wake up dreading each day and feel like I dying :weep: my job sacked me for being off sick for five months so I in the middle of taking them to an employment tribunal. I just finding it so hard to find the positives at the moment.

Im wondering if I should increase the Mirtazapine that Im on to 45mgs to see if that helps but again Im scared of the side effects there just seems to be no way out. Ive tried exercise it doesnt help - no energy to do it. I had 13 councilling sessions that I didnt really find that helpfull- the ordeal of getting there over shadowed the benefits, Im getting more and more agraphobic hence the use of the diazepam - I struggle to remain calm indoors so I dont think I ready for the outside world yet but that just makes me more depressed thinking about the life Im missing.

I just cant seem to overcome the feelings of fear and to make things worse I cant pin down whats causing it.

Answers on a post card........

[citygirl1]

Dave :hugs:

I work in mental health and hate to be blunt.

Your fears can be conqurered in small ways. Don't feel as if you have to get over your fears in one go. You have to take fear a step at a time.

When your in the crux of anxiety it completely takes over, remember you are in control. When i was going thru bad spell the anxiety controlled me. I thought this is the way i am going to feel all of the time. It's not. I have realised thru positive thinking that anxiety can destroy happiness, and yes it's gonna take over my life now and again, but i want to be in control of me!

Guess this is thru me getting stronger though.

[lostsoul]

Citygirl

Thanks for your reply, can be so hard to not to let things get the better of you. I feel so agitated all the time - want to lie in bed under the duvet all day but I can even relax enough to do that.

I had to go to the job centre today for a work focused interview thing - they were really nice - said theres no need for me to get back to work at the mo - I can stay on incapacity benefit for the time being - I just find it all so overwhelming - Ive never even been in a job centre before until today (managed the last 13 years of my working life without ever once going to the doctors - didnt even have one) then bang I get struck down with this from nowhere.

I wake up every mornining feeling like I cant breath a feeling that I hate and it goes on all day no matter what I do and is only made worse going outside. I know they say that you have to face your fears in order to get over them - but Ive been out countless times and each time just feels like a worse ordeal than the time before.

I think what makes it worse is IM under a huge amount of presure to get better from my girlfriend who just wants our life back.

Shes off work at the mo and expects me to go somewhere with her everyday. She says she just wants me to try and go out and have a good time but I cant make her understand how much of an ordeal it is for me. We went for a pub lunch yesterday - I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possibe and she looked really dissapointed that I couldnt even fake a smile. Naturally I took all my daily dose of diazepam in the morning to get to the pub and then in the evening she asked me to come with her to pick her sister up from work - left me with no choice because shes a nervous driver and she didnt know the way - so again another ordeal but saying no would have been the wrong answer if you know what I mean.

It feels like thers and alien in my head and it wont go away. I cant say i agrophobic as such. Im very confident around people I was a manager before my job sacked me for being ill.

I just have the fear of fear of that makes sense and its an automatic response. The only thing I look forward to is bedtime so the suffering is over for 7 hours. I grateful that I sleeping although I feel exhausted when I wake up.

Sorry for the long post.

[Yvonne]

Dave

I think that's a lot of Diaz you're taking, I'd try to cut that down. It's not doing wonders for you so why take so much. I don't find it a miracle worker myself, but I do take it when I really need it - only takes the edge off for me.

Dave, you said in your first post that going out is a huge ordeal and I understand that. However, you have been out - to a pub and to job centre - you did it mate and that's brilliant. The thing is, if you waited indoors to actually feel better you may never go out. Your girlfriend, even though it's getting you down, is helping you. You have to make her understand that you can't be put under too much pressure but you do need to get out on a daily basis.

It's a fear of fear with all of us Dave, it's not a fear of shops or open spaces or a particular place - it's just a fear of the awful feelings. You have to keep facing that fear unfortunately until you break the little tormenter down.

You said you have no energy to exercise, I understand that as well, but just try a little walk in the day. Also, the diaz may be making you feel a bit heavy and tired.

Why don't you go and see the gp and have a chat. 13 sessions of counselling for someone who has bad anx is no good.

Take great care

[lostsoul]

Yvonne

I know your right and prob is the councilling was paid for by by girlfriends mum and dad - it was through a family friend and the presure was on to gert better so i lied and basically said that I wasd better the sessions were in th city anf my g/fs dad took me there after work every week and I got the feeling it was becoming a pain for him to take me. (hes a black cab driver so he had to drive home from london get me and drive all the way back again!!!

Ive had no luck getting any kind of councilling on the NHS and ive no money to pay for any private sessions.

[Yvonne]

Dave

see your gp - I thought all doctors had a counsellor resident in their practise but apparently not. Stillhave a chat to him because your anxiety is getting youdown badly and you do need more help. If you found the talking therapy good, stress this to your gp and really try to push for some. He must be able to refer you on the NHS. Up the Mirtazepine if y ou think it will help you - gp can advise.

Take care