Hello-can anyone empathise with this?

[littlemoomin]

Hello, I just signed up the other day and wrote the BIGGEST post ever and the computer crashed when I tried to post it :-) maybe it was a sign I was ranting too much...

Anyway here goes again.. To cut a long story short I had an anxiety 'wobble' as I call it a year and a half ago. This I beleive was triggered by several things:

I had just moved to a new city with my fiance, but was terribly homesick and had no support network or friends
My job/career was seriously getting me down-I kept getting jobs and quitting soon after as I knew I was unhappy ( teacher)
My relationship with my mum completely broke down ( she is quite nasty and spiteful when she wants to be) Told me I was a 'drama queen' when I explained how I felt. I realised that we were no longer close. Moving away seemed to make things worseThis is what happened one night ( I will call it my 'breakdown' night), I was lying in bed, and I felt SO upset and out of control in my life. I felt panicy and anxious ( now I have never experienced anything quite like this before)
I suddenly got a 'flashing' like vision in my mind ( not like a normal thought, but it seemed to be a visual image) of me hanging myself from a tree. It didn't last very long, but it was the most TERRIFYING, UPSETTING thing that had ever happened to me.... I was too scared to be on my own, to even look at a tree incase I got the thought/image again.

I didn't feel suicidal, but I was terribly scared that this thought would make me do something silly out of my control....
Next day.. went to Dr, couldn't stop crying...got put on citalopram 20mg... The thoughts went away - now not sure if this was due to tablets or not???

Stayed on the tablets for a year and a half. I had a minor relapse 6 months ago, but it seemed to pass. NOw coming off tablets-feeling sick but I know this is the symptoms. Suddenly I started to get these images again ( so upsetting) and I don't know if It is my own fault by obsessing with them ( in a way I am sort of planting them in my head subconsiously????)

I just want to know why I had/ have these horrid images, if anyone else had ever had them and how they dealt with them. Is this normal for anxiety???...

Oh and things in my life are great ( except this) started new career, made friends and dealing with my mum as best as I can, starting counselling next week if that will be any use

Sorry its so long, this better not crash now! :-) xxx

love little moomin:)

[Anna C]

Hi,

The scary thoughts you talk about, I get them all the time about all different things. They can be horrible and nasty and sometimes really frightening, they involve either me or someone I love or care about, it frightens me that I can think like that. The less frightening ones are someone being mean to me or arguing with me.
Sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing it straight away, now I tell myself 'they are only thoughts' and I try to think about something happy or distract myself some way. Anxiety messes with your thinking, tell yourself 'its not real, they are only thoughts'. I don't know if it is normal for anxiety, but I think it is. I know its normal for me.

I'm sure counselling will help. I'm really pleased for you that your life is good, with your counsellors help this will go away too.:)

Good luck Anna xx

[Natural Mystic]

This is very common, in everyone (anxiety or not), it's just our minds playing the games they play.

[littlemoomin]

I have realised that this is common after reading a fair few posts, but scares the s**t out of me nevertheless :-(
I hate anxiety! Boo, it sucks

[thoughts and actions]

hi littlemoomin,

these thoughts r very common with anxiety sufferes- its due to the part of the brain that is in control. I have thoughts all the time- but we would never turn them into actions (hense my username.) I read a good book called "the worry cure" my Dr Robert Leary and theres a good seciton in there about thoughts etc

With regards to citralopram- it increases the serotonin in your brain and that inturn changes your thoughts- anti depressents will change ure thinking without u realising- if you dont think ure going to panic/ get anxious/ have a thought u simply wont- when u come of these then that part of ure brain can become functional again- however its how u control and manage it that counts- your counsellor will discuss this with u- and i honeslty do belive its coming off the tablets thats caused this.
"I started to get these images again ( so upsetting) and I don't know if It is my own fault by obsessing with them ( in a way I am sort of planting them in my head subconsiously????)" when did u start tp get these images and did u obsess with them when u were on citalopram?

xx

[littlemoomin]

Hi thoughts and actions

Thanks for your reply, it makes alot of sense. When I was on the citalopram I really didn't get these images and thoughts, so it seems fitting almost that now I am coming off the tablets that maybe they would pop back in my head....

Horrid xxx

I am really hoping my counselling helps me manage this without being on tablets... And so I can go back for a daytrip to Southport again (LOL) as it reminds me so much of a terrible day I had in the middle of this 'wobble' I can't go back without associating it with it :-(

xx thanks:bighug1:

[littlemoomin]

... I thought I was getting better, easing off the meds and seeing a counsellor ( only been twice)

Last night had the most horiffic time. Was fine all night, went to cinema with a mate to see really cheesy girls flick, NO ANXIETY or thoughts/flashes.

I decided to have a bath when I got home. OUt of NOWHERE I suddenly had a thought of 'god, what if I totally drowned myself in here'. It was horrible and like before I was petrified/ scared/ guilty/ disgusted. I panicked so much. I just can't understand why it happened? I wasn't particularly anxious all night-it is usually the tree hanging flash I got. The thought felt SO powerful and my fear is OH MY GIOD what if I actually did this. I so don't want to but what if I convince myself that I do want to. Does this make sense??

I feel shaky and terribly upset. I am am my wits end with this, don't know what to do. Is increasing my meds the answer, or maybe this is because I have reduced them (as Dr said)

really need someone who understands and has been through these debilitating thoughts to reassure me?? Can I get rid of them?? Has anyone ever had this???

love moomin in distress:weep:

[keepemlaughing]

Just don't give any power to your thoughts, change them immediately to something nice. I know that sounds weak and dumb, but when I start fretting I put it in God's hands and feel better right away. Hope you feel better soon, and you can rant here anytime.
Blessings,
Sheryl

[Dazza]

I'm sure the counselling will help.

I used to get distressing thoughts... I left a job a few years back, because i was depressed and the boss didn't want to know...'just take some pills' he would say. Then he was quite a bully about it... it made me feel so angry at being treated in this way while I was so vulnerable.. I guess i felt abused.

So when I left the company, I felt so angry... and I used to get these thought's of going to the office, putting parafin through the letter box and torching the place... i was so upset my these thoughts, as I was scared that I would carry them out (and have to endure prison, as the trail would have led back to me!!).

My counsellor assured me, that when we are dealing with big emotions, like fear and anger, often our brains only know how to express the level of the emotion by showing us images. So in my case, my anger was so strong, that it showed me in terms of destructive images...and my counsellor reassured me that these are merely 'visual thoughts' and that we do not act up on them. I certainly never did. Once I knew that these thoughts were just a visual way of my brain showing me how I felt, the thought's didn't bother me.

[chloe555]

hi little moomin,I know exactly what you are going through with these thoughts and when i first got ill i had the same thought of hanging myself from a tree.I wasnt suicidal but it scared me in case i done it.I then went on to have all sorts of horrible thoughts mainly of harming others or myself.I went to groups with anxiety care and also tried various medication until i found clomipramine which has helped so much.They are actually for these kind of thoughts.You will eventually get the thoughts less and less and if you do get them they wont bother you in the end.It takes a while and some work but i was really ill and my thoughts even made me scared to go out and even leave the room at times so if i can get better anyone can. Honestly it may not seem like it know but you will get better.Why are you stopping your meds if they are helping just out of interest?

chloe xx

[littlemoomin]

Thanks everyone for kind replies.

Chloe, it sounds like you have been through very very similar stuff honey...i am reassured to know you managed to cope with it and it does get better.

I am stopping meds because for 8 months I was fine and without these horrid thoughts/images, and I thought maybe it was time to try and cope on my own, its only since reducing the tablets I have had a relapse, so I wondered if it was because of that. Maybe i have to ride this out??? I really dont know to be honest

It's so hard just to accept the thoughts, and try to not be affected by them...maybe this takes practice. They really do take over and are so scary, I dont want to carry out these acts but they are so powerful and awful xxx

take care write again soon.

this forum has really helped me x:)