to be or not to be

[ade]

in about 1983, i was suffering very badly with uncontrollable thoughts about killing myself.i just couldnt cope with what i knew had happened to me as a child.one day i went out for a walk with the dog.as i let "brandy" off the lead in a football field for a scamper,i was overwhelmed with the desire to end it,there and then.i put up the dogs choker as a noose inside a small dug out which the footballers used.i remember the deep autumn sky,and how it held such dark secrets of my destroyed innocence.this was it.
as i moved my head towards the choker,memories came flashing by,and these feelings and thoughts saved my life.....

i thought about my beloved mother and how she would be beyond consolation.
i remebered one sunny christmas morning as a boy(we would be in liverpool and away from the abuse) scooting over to my favourite aunty gwens house
full of joy and expectancy that i would get a chocolate off their silver artificial tree.
i remembered being bought an amazing car game by my kind older brother,and how i would set it up next to my subbuteo pitch and sink down into the battery lit world of play
last of all i thought "how will brandy get home if i do?"

i took down the noose,called the dog and walked home,never to tell anyone,until today.
maybe this should be under success stories,because i survived and now have a beautiful family,my own successful business and a heart that is glad to be alive.:weep: yes im crying,so near i came.... there is hope

[diane07]

Aww ade,

How true that is, there is always hope.
And to think what you would have missed out on, the problem is when people are down they find it impossible to look to the future, i had three people that i knew who all hung themselves last year and just last week my son lost one of his female friends, she was 19 and hung herself, she had already done a page 3 stint, she was a model with everything to live for, all because her boyfriend cheated on her.

So its so lovely to hear your story and how far you have come and how well you are doing.

There is always hope.

di xx

[milly jones]

i can remember having the same thought sitting in my car in a layby near denbigh.

thinking of my son stopped me

thinking how i had given birth to him, and how much i would hurt him if i left him

if that need to nurture him ever left me im not sure i would be as strong another time

god bless our children

i know how much u treasure ur family ade, hugs to u all

milly xxxx

[marie1974]

aww ade that was very brave writing that and welldone hun, despite the awful awful things that have happend to u, at the end of the day u are a winner and a survivor cos u hit rock bottom and u clawed your way back and now like u say have good business and family, i am so pleased for u. hugs to u cos u deserve it. xxxx