befuddled1
27-09-08, 11:37
I've been me for a long time now. I can't help but feel that my life is and has been rather a mess. I don't mean that I have had a lot of bad experiences and made a lot of mistakes (though I've obviously made a few I'm sure). I mean that I just don't feel I have a clear idea of what my life has been, who I am. And I percieve that others do have this. They seem much more settled about everything, as if it is within their control. Their lives are their own.
I don't know if that makes much sense but what I'm getting to is the fact that I feel I'm different somehow to everyone else. I have a range of issues it seems and fit a range of labels and I would just feel so much better if I had just one diagnosis I could give to people to explain myself. There may be some general pattern about the way I'm functioning in the world which lends itself to particular label. But I, being so full of doubt so much of the time, cannot identify it, and no one else has really tried. I suppose I just want a simple answer. Such as some expert to say - look, you have far more anxiety on a day to day basis than the average person and that's why you don't fit the norm that you percieve. I want someone to say - gosh! you have been this way all your life!? I want a label badly, but it has to be one that fits. It's just that when there's so many out there how can I not fit one? This may sem rather weird but I have so much self-doubt and have had others doubt me lately which only makes it worse. If I could say, look, I have this disorder. I have been diagnosed with it through a very thorough assessment (it would have to be thorough or I wouldn't be satisfied), if I could say that it would just take some of the self-doubt away and mean that others might doubt me less and actually believe that I do have a problem and am not just being lazy and difficult or making a fuss about nothing.
I think that last bit shows what it's all about. Lack of self-confidence, esteem, whatever you want to call it.
So can I ask my GP? Can I say I've been this way for years, this way that's not quite right, and I'd just like to check there's not a diagnosis for what I have. I'd like to see an expert and have them confirm either by giving me one label or saying I have a mixture of a few things. I need someone else's opinion to validate my problems, I don't trust my own. But wanting that label is probably part of the problem, but I want it so much. I just want some psychiatrist to check me out once and for all and tell me what my problem is, confirm that I have one.
I don't know if that makes much sense but what I'm getting to is the fact that I feel I'm different somehow to everyone else. I have a range of issues it seems and fit a range of labels and I would just feel so much better if I had just one diagnosis I could give to people to explain myself. There may be some general pattern about the way I'm functioning in the world which lends itself to particular label. But I, being so full of doubt so much of the time, cannot identify it, and no one else has really tried. I suppose I just want a simple answer. Such as some expert to say - look, you have far more anxiety on a day to day basis than the average person and that's why you don't fit the norm that you percieve. I want someone to say - gosh! you have been this way all your life!? I want a label badly, but it has to be one that fits. It's just that when there's so many out there how can I not fit one? This may sem rather weird but I have so much self-doubt and have had others doubt me lately which only makes it worse. If I could say, look, I have this disorder. I have been diagnosed with it through a very thorough assessment (it would have to be thorough or I wouldn't be satisfied), if I could say that it would just take some of the self-doubt away and mean that others might doubt me less and actually believe that I do have a problem and am not just being lazy and difficult or making a fuss about nothing.
I think that last bit shows what it's all about. Lack of self-confidence, esteem, whatever you want to call it.
So can I ask my GP? Can I say I've been this way for years, this way that's not quite right, and I'd just like to check there's not a diagnosis for what I have. I'd like to see an expert and have them confirm either by giving me one label or saying I have a mixture of a few things. I need someone else's opinion to validate my problems, I don't trust my own. But wanting that label is probably part of the problem, but I want it so much. I just want some psychiatrist to check me out once and for all and tell me what my problem is, confirm that I have one.