causes..

[smokey26]

I have realised recently that my dad has been a major factor in my lack of self esteem. He has unstable moods, and doesn't think twice about hurting my feelings. He is very controlling(i think it's out of a misguided sense of love) and he undermines all of my decisions. At the drop of a hat he insults and belittles me and he is the only person in the world that has the ability to make me feel completely worthless. I don't know why he has this power over me. Going back to a young age he always called us "lazy", "stupid", "mad", even when we were little children. In arguments, he never argues about the subject of the argument, he seeks to "win" the argument by being as nasty as possible and saying the thing that he knows will really hurt you, and he has been telling me to "get out" of his house since i can remember,(i realise now when i am trying to leave that he does not want me to).

I have tried hundreds of times to talk to him about this, but he ends up laughing at me or saying things like "you can't blame all of your problems on me", " i'm glad i have this effect on you", "i've been sent here for your spiritual growth and you will thank me one day" or "well, that's the way i am, if you don't like it, GET OUT" I'm not an angel, but i don't feel i was ever a bad child.. i never caused them any problems..

I think that having a father like this may be one of the causes of my anxiety, i'm sure i have a natural inclination to anxiety anyway.. but if i had self worth and self belief, i don't believe it would be as bad.. I feel i have to leave as he will never understand the way he is, as sad as it seems because i do actually love him.. and i wish we had a good relationship, but every time we start to build something, he just does or says something to put us back to square one.

The only conclusion i can draw is that i have to leave and get away from him, to make myself strong.

[Horse]

Smokey.

It would appear that your father has some 'issues' of his own!

Forgive me but I see no mention of your mother so it is difficult to comment on the 'circumstances' here.

I should imagine that your father has an 'axe to grind' somewhere here, probably dating from way back many years perhaps.

Do you have brothers or sisters and are they treated the same way?

I know someone who, although not quite as verbally abusive, they do however say things that can be very hurtfull! Normally, when they themselves feel threatened or their back is 'against the wall' so to speak, they will become all apologetic and pathetic in their bahaviour. In other words, you would not think that it was the same person!

Obviously, you have tried to 'reason' with your father, a task which is normally pointless with people like this. They find communication about family issues very difficult or embaressing (although they won't admit it).

If you feel that you have to leave in order to try and gain some self esteem and respect, then this may be something you will have to do.

Unfortunately as anxiety sufferers we are very sensative to hurtfull words and behaviour from others. What we must believe in is the fact that we are very special and, as such, caring and compassionate.

Don't forget:
'The higher they build their bridges..........the taller we become'!!

Kevin.

[smokey26]

Thank you for you reply...

yes i think you are right, i don't think my dad has had the best past.. and i have tried to have more patience and understanding because of this, but i feel i am at my wit's end now.

My mum is a lovely person, she is not the most confident and struggles with my dad too, she tries very hard to love him and i don;t think they'd ever divorce but he has mentally brought her down too over the years, but she seems to have good coping mechanisms. If i'm being honest, i don't know what has kept her with him, but that's not really for me to judge...

I have a brother and a sister.. they have both self harmed and my brother has crippling OCD which leaves him unable to leave the house most of the time.. he is probably the most sensitive person in our house, but my brother will not talk or communicate and keeps all his feelings trapped inside himself.

I beginning to believe the only way for me to raise my self worth and reduce my anxiety is to leave at least for a significant period of time so that i can build internal strength. I don't want to feel i'm running away, i think this is the only way for things to change for me.

Thank you very much again for your post.. i am new to this whole forum thingy and so far it has been such a positive experience, i have been keeping things bottled up for so long and to know people understand and help is a massive, massive deal. Thank you:)

[Hope 2]

Hi Smokey :D

I was really moved by your account of how things are for you. I can relate to the controlling parent part. Sounds like you have a lot of insight which is invaluable when it comes to helping ourselves, through understanding.

I am 36 and only just getting my head around 'it all' lol. I had severe OCD for several years, my brother has his problems too. I have been reluctant to sound like I am blaming my mother, but dealing with my past is the only way forward. I have learnt to detatch myself from the effect she has on me. I am so pleased you have found here to come and talk, I found it so hard to open up but I am getting there !

Good to see you
Julia xx

[Horse]

Smokey.

Thank you for your reply.

I now see a pattern of 'male dominance' here.

It would appear that there are 4 victims. The fact that both your sister and brother have self harmed give strong evidance of feelings of self hatred normally brought about through years of emotional abuse and hurt!

In my opinion there is only one way to attempt to deal with this. As much as you all love your father, you must unite in order to stand up to him - regardless of how hard this may be.

If you need to get away for awhile in order to get your strenth then so be it. However, your mother, sister and brother will need your support if they are going to stick up to your father - although your mother may need some convincing.

Do not feel bad! You are not conspiring against your father, you are merely attempting to try and rebuild a loving family before it crumbles around you.

I think your father is not really the type of person he portrays at all. He uses his verbal abuse as a release of his own subconscious anger that has probably been inside him for many years. He probably has trouble showing or expressing love and affection. He wares a mask of power and domination, and the more he gets away with it, the stronger it will become.

Your brother, sister and mother will all have to play their part, it won't be easy but it won't be impossible either. You will have to choose your words carefully and be tactfull. But as soon as your father sees some strong resistance to his hurtfull comments, he will begin to think otherwise. He will not show this of course, but it will be ticking over in his mind.

You must all be strong and fight - otherwise, it will destroy your family.

Kevin.