View Full Version : I've had enough
I've had enough now. I do wish I had never been born because all I do is hurt people and they all leave me in the end. What is the point?
K has been so kind and caring and now it looks like she is getting fed up with me too. I'm pushing her away and I can't do this without her. If she leaves me too it is one rejection too much. I hate myself and I hate my life. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I want to hurt myself. I don't want to eat anymore and if this kills me I don't care anymore. Without K there is no point to living anyway. She is my life and without her I have nothing.
I'm sorry but I really don't know what to do anymore. I've only been able to hold on because of K but if she leaves me I have no reason to live anymore:(.
Sorry.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do. Everyone here appreciates you so much; you are a kind and caring person though I don't think you see this. I'm sure K thinks so as well or else she wouldn't be helping you as much as she is. Why do you think that K will give up on you?
Sarah
Hello darling,
am so sorry you are feeling so awful, please try to hold on in there, you have helped me so much since i joined this site, has k said anything to make you think that she will leave, please Karen, keep us posted, we are all here for you, just the same as you are always here for us will speak very soon xxxxxxxxxx
nomorepanic
27-05-05, 18:31
Karen
What has happened to make you think this - has K said something?
Please don't do anything rash ok - we are here for you too.
You have loads of reasons to live so please try not think like that ok. We all need you as well.
Nicola
K is not leaving you, she has simply set a few parameters that you need to follow in your communications.
This is not new and has happened before to one degree or another but may have lapsed in recent times.
She has NOT even hinted that she is getting fed up with you and in fact has offered to help even more with a situation.
This is your interpretation and your 'What ifs '.
You comply with these requests and your contact with her continues as normal .
Do not blow this out of all proportion and keep it rational.
Hi Karen, I am really sorry you feel so bad, I wish there was something i could do to help you, you know you can always pm or msn if you wanted to if you needed someone to talk to but you have lots of friends on here and lots of people who you help,and need you and your support, please try to get your chin up a bit, I know its hard, take care, catch you in chat sometime, love Alexis, xxx
Thanks Sarah, Carlin, Nic and Meg.
Meg - She might not have said anything direct but this is how it starts. She is getting fed up now or she wouldn't have said she won't reply if I say any of those things.
It's my fault. She's been incredibly patient with me but it's inevitable that I'll lose her one way or another in the end. It always happens. I always mess things up.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I just don't know how to cope with these feelings anymore. She is my life and I need her so much. Without her everything is pointless.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
That is not a fact at all.
Its your interpretation and you have disregarded the icon beside it.
Its not a new set of parameters Karen, just this time she's intending you stick to it and has applied an incentive.
Its not inevitable - it does not always happen.
You are totally using your best catastrophic writing pattern here.
Comply and you will not lose her attention.
Hi Karen,
so sorry you feel so low,
I really dont thinkshe is about to leave you, you seem to have a good friend there, and you have all of us here, we are all here to help and support you, you arent alone,
I wish you had a bit of faith in yourself, you do a lot to help people on here and are well thought of,
pleas try and accept the fact that people do like you and that your worth liking,
im here anytime you want to pm me,
i do hope you get something out of these replies and see how much people care about you and how you feel
take care honey
kairen x
Hi Karen
Sorry to hear that you feel so bad at the moment, I wish that I could help you, you know we're here if you need support, yeah?
Hope you 'll feel better soon.
Take care.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hi Karen
I haven't been keeping up with posts too much lately, so I guess i don't know much about your current situation.
From what I'm reading here though, I would agree with Meg. Again, this is something I know very little about, but K saying that she won't reply if you were to say certain things just says to me that she won't reply to posts where you've said those things. I know you've been talking to K for a while now, so she is obviously a very good friend to you, in which case she isn't just going to turn her back on you just like that. You tend to think the worst of every situation when depressed, and I know it's very difficult to rationalise it. I'm sure most of the people here know that feeling all too well. But, that's the truth, our thinking becomes distorted and what we see when in any emotional state usually isn't the truth, I'm sure you'll be good friends with K for a long time to come.
You've also got to remember that you have a lot of support here whenever you need it. There is plenty of point in living, it's just that you can't see it right now. But it's there.
Take care
mico
Thank you to everyone who has replied. I'm really touched by all your messages and support.
I want to apologise if I worried anyone with my earlier post.
I was panicking in response to K's message and felt that this was the start of her withdrawing from me. Thank you Meg for your phone call and for putting me straight on the reality of the situation.
I realise now I wasn't thinking clearly and just saw the worst possible scenario. This is what my therapist calls 'emotional hijacking' which I am particularly prone to - reacting emotionally so that I cannot see the most likely, rational explanation for things.
Although I am still feeling really low and quite upset about this, I suppose mainly because I am doing so badly that K felt the need to impose these parameters, I am trying to focus on the rest of her message and her earlier ones where she told me she wouldn't leave me. I am just very scared that I have to watch everything I say now because if I say something she has banned she won't reply and I need her so much, particularly at the moment.
For those of you who have been following my other posts, you might be glad to know that I have had something to eat now - despite this being the last thing I felt like doing. I have listened to the relaxation CD and have calmed down a bit.
Thank you again so much for all the replies. I don't know where I would be without such good friends.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen, so glad you are feeling a little bit better, take care and keep going, love Alexis, xx
Thanks Alexis.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
i've only been here a week but in that time your kind words and support have helped me through a bad time, i'd like to thank you for that, everyone here is a lovely kind person and that includes you :D please don't be hard on yourself, i'm glad you have had something to eat and hopefuly things will look brighter as time goes on.
Take good care of yourself
Sharon xxxxx
Good stuff Karen.
It may be difficult, but you're trying and that's the important bit.
Best of luck with it all
mico
Thanks Sharon and Mico.
Unfortunately, I have had a really bad night. I keep re-reading K's message and when I get to the same bit every time I just feel like crying. She must be so disappointed in me to need to tell me she won't reply if I say certain things.
I am getting more anxious now waiting to see if she replies to me today. I can't relax or sleep until I know if she will be in touch. I didn't use any of the banned words in my message (I don't think), but I am no longer sure what I can and cannot say.
It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment and it all combines to push me further down again. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. All this emotional pain and mental anguish is too much to take.
Although I realise her message didn't say she is leaving me, I am still so scared this will happen and if it does it will be because I've pushed her away.
Now I not only have the anxiety associated with eating and whether I hear from her, as well as the panic I experience about her being hurt, but I am also now worrying that I might say the wrong thing and she won't reply. It is all getting worse.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
what a rollercoaster of emotions you are having at the moment. you sounded so positive after you had spoken to Meg and since then you have been dwelling on the negatives again.. stop re reading the message if it upsets you.. just re read your message you posted here after you spoke to Meg and remember what she said to you. K said SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU. if you have to dwell on something, dwell on that.
and you are right, we are all your friends on here, dont forget that..
big hugs,
Lisa
xxx
Hi Karen
Sorry to hear you feel down again , those horrible worries are not nice huh?
You know we're here for you too hun,
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't know where I would be without such good friends.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's how I feel about this forum, and you're certainly a good friend Karen, you're very special.
Take care.
Florence.x
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hi Lisa and Florence
Still not feeling too good and haven't been able to sleep at all. I'm so tired now but I am finding it impossible to switch off from all the thoughts. Just wish I could sleep and escape from thinking or feeling anything for a while.
Lisa: I know I should stop reading the message but I am trying to read it in a positive way. I just keep focusing on the parts of it that cause me to feel upset, hurt and rejected, even though what K said she did for my benefit. So then I feel worse because I am reading it negatively.
I did feel much more positive after speaking to Meg last night, but left alone with my thoughts again and it is so hard not to spiral back into the negative thoughts again.
The only reason I am so upset is because of how much K means to me. I love her and I cannot imagine my life without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
you wont be without her. She said herself she wont leave you. just think about that..
could you read a girly book or something instead ? I have just started a Marian Keyes book which is a great distraction. I know its hard to stop those negative thoughts so when you have them, do something that you enjoy doing. What are your hobbies, are you creative (i'm not!) like painting or knitting or reading or gardening?
or playing with the pussy cats!?
I think I might attempt some weeding now! take care honey,
Lisa
xxx
I understand Karen...Its very difficult to see the positive side of things when feeling down, depressed , anxious,etc...
The negativity is always easier to see for us, because we're so used to it, old habits, huh?
I know, sometimes, when i am down in my pit, I struggle to find a reason good enough to climb back up, it can be very difficult.
But as I am ok now, I can think of a few good reasons: my friends, my family.
Can't a doc help you with your sleeping problems? Because surely , being exhausted doesn't help.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The only reason I am so upset is because of how much K means to me.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I can relate to that too.
Take care.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hi Karen
just to let you know im thinking about you, try not to read the messages, leave it for a little bit have a nice bath, like lisa said try a book anything just to give your brain time to calm down, so glad you did manage something to eat well done cos i bet u didnt feel like it,
Just keep focusing on what meg has said to you, it obviously calmed you down at the time, so think back to her words, and accept that she is right, nothing bad is going to happen, you have a good friend in K, she just wants you to relax, and be happy, thats why she tells you not to ask her over and over if everything is ok, cos it is, and im sure if it was not she would tell you, do try and relax and enjoy her friendship, she obviously really likes you anxiety or not so try not to worry, and remember you have all of us looking out for you hun,,
take care
kairen x
Yes Karen, remember that when you feel crap, we are all here, all your friends from the forum and in chat, we are here for you, take care, Love Alexis.xxxxxxxxx
pinkscrumpy
28-05-05, 18:16
Hi Karen
Thinking of you to sweet heart. We are all here
MANDIE XX
Thanks again everyone. Don't know where I would be without all my friends here, and on my other forum.
I had to go to bed this afternoon having been up all night as I was so tired. I only slept for a couple of hours and woke with another migraine so not feeling my best.
Having heard from K today I am now feeling a little calmer again. I find it so difficult not to concentrate on what I perceived to be the signs of rejection in yesterday's message, only because I think of her as being so vitally important in my life.
All the past rejections I've experienced result in the huge fear that it will happen again, even though she has reassured me about this on numerous occasions. I suppose because I know that my feelings for her are obsessive, I do not believe that I deserve her friendship or the great support she gives me. My own negative self-image makes it difficult for me to understand why she would want to stick around or be there for me.
Lisa: I used to read a fair bit but find concentrating on anything quite difficult at the moment. I used to enjoy writing but again haven't felt very creative in this recently.
My garden certainly does need weeding and I did make a small start on this the other day, but it's a bit late to do any tonight now and I feel too tired anyway. Tomorrow is the dreaded BBQ at dad's, although it doesn't sound like the weather is going to be that great so here's hoping it might be cancelled!
K suggested I try to write something about my struggle with anorexia for a thread on the forum, without going into the instense feelings about it. This is really challenging as I am not sure how to write it from a non-emotional standpoint but will give it a go over the weekend.
Florence: Yes it is really difficult to break out of the negativity habit and thought processes. I find this so difficult to do, and I know this is the reason behind K's rules about my messages to her. I'm just finding it difficult not to swing to extremes and believe that I cannot now write about my feelings at all.
I did write to my doctor to ask about something to help me sleep but she hasn't replied. It is really difficult for me to go and see her, and I have already asked her twice now in writing for something to help with this. I guess her lack of response means she is not willing to give me anything.
Kairen: Thanks for your kind message. I am now trying to focus on what Meg said to me as it did help me to calm down. I also need to stop keep reading K's message from yesterday over and over again because it just keeps me feeling incredibly emotional about the situation and believing she might leave me. I do need to instead try to focus on all the times she has told me she will stand by me and be there for me no matter how long it takes to recover, as well as offering friendship in the long term if I recover.
Thanks Mandie and Alexis for your kind thoughts too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Take care darling, one day at a time? Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks Carlin. It's more than one hour at a time at the moment, as I go down so quickly again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
28-05-05, 22:13
Karen
Hiya mate. Hope you are doing ok tonight.[?]
Just remember that we are all here for you no matter what you have done and we will support you all we can ok?
Hang in there ok and let us help you through this - we know that you are strong and you can do it.
Hope you sleep better tonight.
xx
Nicola
Hi Nic
Thank you so much for your support. I haven't had any sleep yet and I have to go to Dad's this afternoon for this BBQ that I don't want to even go to.
I really do appreciate the help and support you are all giving me.
Hope you are having a good weekend Nic.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Good luck at the BBQ today Karen :D
Goodmoring Karen
i do hope it goes ok today,
just pretend we are all there with you
take care
kairen x
I dont knw were your getting those feelings from but your a great person Im sure you have helped loads of people on this site your not hurting people your helping them!
Thanks Sarah, Kairen and Nikki.
Had Dad on the phone several times today already. My brother is running late and won't now be down until about 4.30pm. I hoped Dad might cancel the BBQ as it is not very nice weather today but he is still going ahead so I haven't been able to get out of it.
Now I have got all afternoon to worry about it and am getting more anxious. I could have stayed in bed if I had known as I'm still tired after not much sleep.
I think I need to try to find something to do to distract myself.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I have been following this thread over the last two or three days and have been thinking about how you must be feeling at the moment.
I'm glad you have come slightly brighter. I know that many people on this site look up to you - the chances are that you welcomed them, like you did me whenever they introduced themselves as new members. I know when I joined this site I was at rock bottom and so the welcomes were such a tonic. I probably never thanked you for that, so will do so now to reinforce the respect you have amongst so many friends here.
Have you ever tried some type of creative therapy? If you could do that and communicate that work on the internet, it would be another communication channel for you. Get taking pictures and see how your style changes as your moods swing.
Keep focussing on the positives as hard as you can - we all know that's not very easy but eventually it will provide some good.
Big Hugs,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
The BBQ went about as badly as I thought it would. I didn't want to eat anything really but decided to at least try a little bit of chicken and some salad. This was a huge deal for me, and even more so eating with other people there, even though they are my family, as this makes it more difficult.
We had to eat inside as it was raining by this point, so Dad came in with all meat from the BBQ. The only thing I felt able to attempt was the chicken - being the most low fat/low calorie. However, Dad went to give me a burger and sausage too. When I declined and said I just wanted a small piece of chicken, he made a big fuss about it and made comments about how I couldn't just have that and needed fattening up. This sent my anxiety about eating at all through the roof. I went from feeling I would try my best to eat, to not wanting to eat anything and merely picked at my food after that.
When will he learn that saying this kind of thing makes things worse? It isn't that this hasn't been explained to him but he continues to go ahead and make these comments anyway.
Later on, my stepmum got me on my own and started asking me when I will start gaining weight and wasn't satisfied when I said the aim for now is to maintain. She said she thought I would be gaining by now - something else I don't want to hear. It seems they think this is some kind of fad or a phase I am going through and I will forget about it overnight.
I did enjoy seeing my niece, who is growing so quickly and I had a long cuddle with her. But the comments about food and my weight again spoiled the afternoon.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well, look at it another way, you had the chicken and salad and that was a 'big deal' as you put it. And you said it was great to see your niece and give her a hug.
These were both positives and so try and dwell on these, particuarly your niece as you saw her grow.
You know that your Dad's attitude is not going to help you and so try and think about that as little as you can.
Has you dad had advice from an educated third party on how to deal with people such as yourself? That seems to be a gaping hole that is very difficult to address.
Take Care
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Karen
Sorry the BBQ didnt make you feel any better.
But you got through it and well done you for that.
Dont give in you have too mucy to offer hun.
Hard for you i know but look at all those thaty care for you and take that on board, you will never be alone
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Ray
Thanks for your message.
I had a little bit of chicken and some salad. The thing that upset me was that it was so hard to contemplate eating it in the first place and I was really trying, but what Dad said set me right back again.
No, there hasn't been a third party talking to Dad about these issues. I did talk to my step mum a few weeks ago about the eating disorder and she was going to keep him off my back about it. The relationship between me and my Dad is not very good and I don't want him to know too much about what is going on. He will only use it against me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks for your support Sal.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
How are things going for you today?
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
I'm feeling quite low today and struggling with eating today after the events of yesterday. The anorexia is really messing with my mind and telling me I need to starve myself to make up for eating at all yesterday. I am trying to ignore these thoughts and instead concentrate on what K tells me. It is so difficult though.
I have been reading through K's messages again to give me something rational to hold onto, rather than believing the lies that the anorexia tells me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Well done that you are reading though K's messages and not giving in to how you feel.
I cant comprehend how hard this is for you but you are not giving into it like you think you are.
Keep fighting it Karen, however hard you will get there as you have the strength.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks Sal. It is very hard today.
Having anorexia distorts everything and it doesn't matter what people tell me about how my view of myself is not right and isn't how others see me. I can't get this supposed distorted image of myself out of my head. I find it so difficult to fight the thoughts telling me how everything will be fine if I keep starving myself and that K will love me if only I am 'good', which as far as the anorexia is concerned means not eating and hitting the new target it has set for me.
My new way to try to counter these thoughts is to print out the things K has said which dispute these thoughts. I am going to stick them on my wall where I can keep looking at them and hope this gives me the strength to keep fighting it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
You have strength on your own and you need to read your posts to see that you do.
I know you struggle with eating but although K is your support, when it counts it is down to you wanting to get better.
Even if you cant do it for yourself do it for K, then do it for yourself Karen.
Karen you need to want this as we cant make you or force you. Dont give up after doing so well.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I don't have the strength to do it and I don't feel able to do it for myself.
Like everything else in my life at present, I can only try to do it for K. If I didn't have her in my life I wouldn't have the will to even try at all.
I realise I should do it for myself but I can't.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Hope you have managed to get some sleep. It looks like it is going to be a lovely day, so hopefully you might be able to get out of the house for a bit.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
No I haven't had any sleep yet and I still feel unable to sleep because I am too anxious and worried at the moment.
Until I hear from Kathleen I cannot relax. I have all the usual fears I have when I don't hear from her, plus now I have to worry that I might say something wrong in my message and that she won't reply.
I need to be able to stop thinking about this and get some sleep.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry to hear that you are feeling no better. I just wish you could manage to switch of and get some sleep.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I did get a couple of hours sleep in the end but I just had nightmares about losing K and I don't feel any better now.
In fact I am worse because I haven't heard from K today and I feel so distressed about this. I can't do any of this without her. I don't want to eat today and I cannot even see any point in trying. As I said before, I only feel able to fight the anorexia for her and without her I just feel like giving in to it. What is the point anyway? Eating will only make me feel ten times worse than I do right now.
Sorry, I'm just feeling very low and unable to cope.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi
Sorry to hear that you're struggling again....I deeply hope that you 'll feel better soon.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Thanks Flo.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
I am not sure what else i can suggest to help you, and i will be always here to support you.
I feel at the moment if i say too much it will push you away and you might think i am being harsh.
My only advice i can give you is no one can make you better, we can all help you, but you have to want that from within yourself and at the moment you are wanting to get better for Kathleen and that isnt enough, you need to do it for you, that is what counts.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
I know everyone is doing their best to help me and I am probably not doing enough to help myself. I just seemed determined to ruin my life because I don't see any point in living most of the time. K is all I have to hold on to and if I don't try to keep going for her, then I cannot do it at all.
I am really struggling with the eating issues today. I just do not want to eat even though I know I should. I feel hungry but I don't want to give into those feelings because having any food passing my lips makes me feel even more of a failure than I already am.
Last week I was reading another self-help depression book and it recommended 5-HTP as a natural treatment for depression. I was originally considering trying St John's Wort until I read feedback from some people saying they had gained weight while taking it.
I cannot find any evidence of weight gain from 5-HTP so I have ordered some tonight. I can't keep going on like this - if I do I know where it will end.
My doctor finally sent me a prescription for some sleep medication, although she only gave me enough for 2 weeks and said in her letter than she wouldn't be willing to give me any more than this because of problems with becoming dependent on them. Anyway, I don't even feel able to take these now because I looked the medication up on the Internet and one possible side effect was increased appetite.
I know it is really stupid because I am struggling so much to get through tonight after not hearing from K today. Starving myself is the only way I can get through it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Not only do I upset and hurt Kathleen, but it seems I have also hurt Jac again. She sent me an email last night and now I hate myself even more and feel incredibly guilty.
Before anyone thinks I am overreacting again, I don't know how else I am meant to feel when she tells me she goes home and cries after seeing me because it upsets her so much.
All I am doing it hurting people and causing pain to people I care about. It would be better if I weren't here anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
another way to see it ' i need to change what is happening to me '
if you wasn't here, do you not think she would cry everyday for the rest of her life because she wasn't able to help? if you was in her place, what would you tell her to do?
i do feel for you struggling and wish you strenght and wisdom to get through this bad patch.
you take care ... andrew
Hi Andrew
She is crying anyway and at least if it was over quickly she might be upset for a while but she would get over it and move on. The way things are at the moment I am hurting her and she cannot even bear to see me.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Things just get worse and now I have been thrown into a complete panic.
K has had to go away and won't be back until Sunday. I am already struggling so much and I don't know how to cope with this. I can't do it without her. I don't think I even want to.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Please keep in your mind that K will be back on Sunday. I know that she is your main driving force but everyone on here cares about you and wants to help.
Have you spoken to Jac lately? Does she know how much you need her to be there for you? If the tables were reversed, you would help her all you could. She needs to put her own feelings about the situation to one side and be there for you.
Please, please don't go doing anything rash on the spur of the moment. Hold onto the fact that K will be back soon.
Love Kate x
Karen,
Just a note to give you my support for what appears to be a very bad time for you.
I must admit to having only a limited understanding of your issues, especially as I suffer quite differently from you.
All I can say is that I have suffered in isolation when time appeared to stand still without the immediate prospect of support from the friends you really treasure and depend on.
But the time does come, and Kathleen will be back for you. You know that, I'm sure, but we all fear the worst in these situations, I know.
Hang on in there Karen - be strong. We are here for you.
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
hi Karen,
I'm glad that you reslise that something needs to change are that you're going to try the herbal stuff. I really hope it works for you!! In a way K going away out of the blue is better than if you hadn;t know it was going to happen for weeks, isn't it? This time you haven't had time to get yourself into a state about it..
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
You know for a fact now that Jac does want to hear from you very badly - just not face to face right now. So K being away is a good time for you to nurture that relationship.
K being away sounds like it wasn't planned and it may be that she has her own worries right now. Good that she found the time in her haste to tell you.
It is less time away than her last holiday which you managed. Noone is saying this is easy but we all know you can do it and will continue to maintain your intake throughout these few days.
I will be in daily contact till Monday.
nomorepanic
01-06-05, 13:59
Hang in there Karen
You have coped before without K and you know she will be back. We are all here so post us as many messages as you want to ok?
We will help you through it so don't get too down about it ok?
Big hug
xx
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thank you Kate, Ray, Sarah, Meg and Nic.
Kate: I haven't actually spoken to Jac recently. I've only had written contact with her. I feel too bad about the way I make her feel.
Ray: Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.
Sarah: It is actually worse that I wasn't forewarned that K would be away - although I know this is because she didn't know herself. Knowing in advance at least gives me time to prepare for it whereas it just sent me into a panic today.
Nic: Thanks for your support. I know I am going to need help to get through the next few days. It is so long until Monday.
Meg: I really appreciate you offering to be in daily contact until K comes back. She has only been gone a few hours and I am struggling so much already.
Have been in bed all day not feeling able to do anything. I feel really bad that I am neglecting my role on my other forum too as I didn't even feel able to go on there and post to people. I am finding it difficult to know what to say as I am feeling so low myself.
K didn't know she was going to need to go away, although she told me that she is fine and nothing is wrong. But then she would say that to stop me worrying wouldn't she? I am worrying whether she is ok anyway.
I don't know about Jac. I have answered her email but don't feel I can have more contact with her than that. I can't get past her telling me she goes home and cries when she sees me. I feel so guilty and hate myself for doing that to her. It just confirms my believe that I am hurting everyone just by being alive.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
And firstly i want to apologise for not replying sooner but i wasnt sure what i can do or say to make you feel better.
It hurts me to see you suffering like this and i am always here for you and you are not alone by any means even if K is away.
Jac obviously loves you so much but is finding it hard, but you are not to blame and you know she wants to support you.
Meg has offered to be here for you until monday and i am too as not back at work.
I wont be around on Saturday as we are having an engagement party but i will text you i promise to see how you are.
Being alive isnt hurting everyone at all, it just shows how much they care and that is a bonus to you, people love you and would be lost without you.
You have helped so many people and they want to return that.
I am really sorry it took so long to post you but i wanted to be sure i said the right things. Jac loves you as a best mate and dont lose that please.
Dont lose us either and please lean on me aswell as Meg whilst K is away. You have no reason to do this alone.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks Sal. You don't need to apologise for not posting. I know it is difficult to know what to say to me, particularly at the moment. I'm not thinking clearly about anything. I am feeling so emotional and low that I just tend to jump to the extremes of reaction.
I do appreciate all the support from you all here, and I know you are here for me too Sal and that means a lot.
Haven't been online much today as I have been hiding out in bed, just cannot face this time without K at the moment. I know I say this every time and I coped when she was away before but I was feeling so down before this happened and it just seems like things keep getting worse.
I am supposed to have my appointment with the dietician tomorrow afternoon and I am really don't know how I can face it. I just want to hide away and wait for all of this to go away.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
I am off work tomorrow so please do it, text me and i will help you.
You are not alone so never feel you are.
We will get through tomorrow and i am here for you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Wow Karen..
I am extremely impressed with your actions today.
Impressed and so very pleased that you did go and see the dietician whilst feeling extra stressed these few days.
I truly applaud you for being open and honest with her and for talking to her reasonably about your eating disorder.
We knew there would be no miracle cure however I think what she said was sensible and rational and leaves the door open for progress.
Many congratulations Honey- I know you can do this..
( I thought I'd preempt your post so you acknowledge your successes today upfront )
nomorepanic
02-06-05, 19:33
Wow Karen
If what Meg says is from an email that you sent her then I am well impressed.
You did great to get out today and see her.
Let us know all the news ok?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks so much Meg for your post - you know I have difficulty seeing what I did today as being a success and I think you have more faith in me than I have in myself.
As Meg said, I did go to see the dietician this afternoon, after a lot of encouragement to do so. I have been finding it really hard to do anything for the past few days, haven't been getting dressed again and was hardly out of bed at all yesterday. So even getting up and dressed took a lot of effort and the last thing I felt like facing was going to see someone to talk about my eating disorder. As you all know by now, talking is really difficult for me at the best of times and this issue is extremely hard for me to discuss.
The dietician was nice and really seemed to know what she was talking about with regard to eating disorders. She asked me a lot of questions, some of which I answered and others were too difficult. She told me she could give me a diet plan now but from my replies she recognises that I am not really ready to start tackling this problem yet and that the psychological aspects need to be addressed first, before anything she does can be effective.
She thought my doctor was a bit premature in referring me to see her and said she thinks seeing a psychologist needs to be a priority and she is going to write to my doctor saying that this really needs to be pushed forward with sooner rather than later. She was concerned about my weight and urged me to try to maintain, but she also acknowledged how difficult this is for me in my current state of mind.
She discussed with me her approach to helping people with eating disorders and said she doesn't believe in setting strict diet plans or weight gain targets. Instead she would work with me within the foods I currently am able to eat and very slowly start to build on this with an aim to maintain. This was reassuring and I feel happier that I could work with her if/when I am feeling a bit better from the depression side of things. She told me she is happy to see me again when the time is right, but that if she tried to work with me at present she knows from experience that I would be fighting against her and this could damage any future working relationship.
I tried to be as honest with her as I could about what I have been doing and the way I feel about food and eating, and I admitted I had only gone along to the appointment because other people had encouraged me to do so and that I didn't believe anything she said would help. At the end of the appointment she told me she thought I had been brave for turning up at all and for being honest about my reasons for going, what I currently feel about food and eating, as well as for admitting that I do have an eating disorder.
I suppose today has proved a useful introduction if I see her again. I am petrified though by her pushing for a quick appointment with a psychologist.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well done Karen!! A very successful day I think. Good for you!! :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hi Karen,
Very well done to you!
The dietician obviously realises that your psychological problems regarding food run very deep. She also realises that for you to get the most from her that the psychological side needs support. This is why she is pushing for a quick referral to the psychologist to enable her to work with you more successfully. Try to see this as a positive move towards you getting better rather than letting it worry you.
Love Kate xx
Hi Kate
The dietician seemed to really understand about eating disorders and confirmed what I already thought, in that the emotional problems and psychological issues are what need to be addressed first.
I can't help worrying about the NHS therapy though in whatever form this takes. I have no many negative experiences of this that I am really dreading it and am scared it will just make things worse.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
02-06-05, 23:28
Karen
It all sounds very positive to me and some help for you we all know you wish for and need.
The dietician sounds lovely and very supportive so please listen to her ok. She is not pushing you or being regimental so that is good.
Please see it as a step forward and in the right direction so well done you and stick at it ok.
We are very proud of you Karen for continuing through this.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Well, Karen, I think the best thing to do will be to give it a go with the psychologist when the appointment comes through. If you are uncomfortable or it makes you feel worse, then contact the dietician and tell her.
She may then feel that her input alone will be sufficient.
Of course, you may well be pleasantly surprised once you do visit the psychologist!
Try to keep an open mind and not worry too much. Things may turn out well for you!
Love Kate xx
A big well done to you Karen
I told you not to judge her by past let downs and she seems to have proved that she can help you and wont push you and understands exactly how you feel and knows you are not ready yet.
I am so pleased you went and gave her a chance.
Another door opened for you and another support network is there that you need. Well done for being so honest i know it must have being hard.
I am so proud of you and it must have being great hearing Meg post for you and showing how well you did before you posted.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks Nic, Kate and Sal.
Nic: The dietician was nice and not at all judgemental. I do think it will be possible to work with her once I am more able to do this from an emotional point of view. She recognised that the anorexia has too firm a hold of me at present and so nothing she tried to do would actually help.
I cannot take all the credit for going today though because without encouragement I wouldn't have gone and in fact until I read an email from Meg yesterday morning I had made up my mind not to bother going. Thanks Meg for giving me the push I needed.
Kate: I guess I will have to see what comes of the psych appointment but if I get sent an appointment to see a psychiatrist, particularly if this is a man, then there is no way I can go.
Sal: Thanks for your support. It wasn't necessarily that I thought seeing the dietician would make me worse, just that I didn't see how it would help. It is the psychiatrist/psychologist that I am really panicking about and believe will just make me feel worse.
Thank you all for your continued support. I don't know how I would get through this without it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I think you DO deserve all the credit for going to your appointment!
It was good that you had words of encouragement, BUT it was still all your own efforts that got you there. Noone, no matter what they had said to encourage you to go, could have got you there without your OWN effort.
You did great, give yourself a big pat on the back![^]
Love Kate xx
Hi Karen,
I fully agree with Kate...yes, Meg gave you the push, but you are the one who physically got yourself there! We are all so proud of you!!!
I am curious about why you are so concerned about seeing the psychiatrist. If you feel comfortable, could you enlighten some of us newbies to your past experiences? If you wouldn't feel comfortable seeing a male psych. would it be possible to request a woman? Don't know if they do this, but I think it may help to put your mind at ease.
Karen, it is fantastic to see you making progress. I know that it may not seem like it to you, but these little steps will get you there, just keep building on it.
Hope that you are doing well today...only a few more days until K is back...and of course we are all here as always!!!!!
xxxLisa
Karen,
well done well done to you.. You should really feel proud of yourself for going..
Remember how much you thought the dietician wouldn't help and how you almost didn't go? well look what a positive outcome it had.. - It IS possible this may also happen with the psychologist, you MAY get a really nice one who again, will work WITH you, not against you..
these little steps can get you there - you are doing a marvellous job.
well done,
Lisa
xxx
Hi Kate, LisaD and LisaS
I suppose I think that going to that appointment with the dietician is something I should have been able to do anyway, without needing encouragement or being given a push to get there.
This morning I received a letter from the CMHT informing me of an appointment to see an NHS therpist on 5 July. I'm afraid I immediately panicked and had a massive panic attack about this, thinking it would be a man and also that this is for a psychiatrist. The letter didn't say and just gave me a name.
I sent a very panicky email to Meg who very kindly found out this therapist is a woman. Thanks Meg. I still don't know if she is a psychiatrist though and I still have huge fears about that.
LisaD, it is some years since I last saw a psychiatrist but after my last experience I vowed I would never be in that position again and wouldn't see a psychiatrist again ever no matter what happened. Just shows how low I have fallen to end up back in this position again now.
I haven't wanted to say too much about my experiences with the field of psychiatry as I don't want to put anyone else off. Also these are just my experiences, made worse for myself because of the big difficulty I have with verbal communication.
In the past I have found psychiatrist to be less than understanding and simply interested in pushing medication on me. I spent many very uncomfortable and traumatic sessions in almost complete silence as I was expected to talk about the reasons for my depression and how I was feeling and I found this impossible to do. The psychiatrists I saw didn't say hardly anything to me and there was no help to deal with what I was going through at the time. It was simply 'talk therapy' with no focus on reaching solutions for current difficulties.
I was passed from one psychiatrist to another as none of them seemed to know what to do with me. I did once get to see a female psychologist who gave me some depression questionnaires to completely. However, after going through these she told me I was too depressed for her to treat me as I had admitted to having suicidal feelings and she just passed me back to yet another psychiatrist.
None of them every picked up on the attachment issue, or the problems I have with obsession, or even my social phobia. They concentrated solely on depression, kept changing my antidepressants as I didn't improve and then gave up, telling me I didn't want to get better as I wouldn't talk to them.
I was left feeling like a hopeless case who had no reason to be depressed and had caused all these problems for myself. This just made me further depressed, caused an even further lowering of my already low self-esteem and gave me a fear of any NHS therapists, and particularly psychiatrists.
Added into this were the threats my parents had made to me about being locked up in a mental hospital and being forced to have ECT ever since I first experienced depression when I was 12. They used these threats to keep me from talking to anyone about my feelings because they told me I was bringing shame on the family, and that I was making it all up. There were a lot of other things said too but these are the ones that have helped create my fear of psychiatric services and hospitals.
So I'm afraid I do not have any hope of this appointment helping and I am terrfied that I will feel even worse if I attend. I really do not think I can overcome my fear enough to go to this appointment and I know this means I am not helping myself but then I seem to be an expert at causing myself all these problems. This is why I think all of this is my own fault and I don't deserve any help.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
hope your well tonight.
your anxiety about this latest 'therapy' situation seems to have overwhelmed you. if she hasnt got Dr next to her name on the letter i doubt very much she is a pysch. and also reassure yourself, your own communication skills are much better now, you are quite capable of not letting anyone walk all over you. im not trying to ra..ra.. ra.. you, but you can do this.
ive debated with myself whether or not to tear your 'i dont deserve any help' theory to pieces. well, i'll leave it at, i dont believe it - nobody else that posts to you seems believe it, surely we cant all be wrong.
you said you dont know what to do anymore the other day, if you do get any counselling try and resolve this inner conflict that rages inside you - you are a nice person but you treat yourself so badly.
you take care .... andrew
Hello Karen,
I'm glad that you have this appointment for next month and that it is with a woman.
You have only just got the letter and you said it got you into a panic. I think I understand that, but as the time approaches, I'm pretty sure you will summon up the courage to attend and I'm sure many of us here will be part of that process!
Since you have this verbal communication problem I'm wondering if there's any mileage in typing out various versions of sets of statements and questions that you would otherwise talk to the person about?
One version could be slightly more revelaing than another and you could decide on which one to give according to how you saw the person from the CMHT.
This is just a random thought.
But first, I hope you can overcome the immediate difficulties and work on getting there.
I really think you DO deserve the help - in fact there is no doubt about that. Everybody on this site deserves help. So why should the person who has made the most posts on this forum, many of them of a supportive nature, be excluded?
Be Strong
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Andrew
Thanks for your post.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">your anxiety about this latest 'therapy' situation seems to have overwhelmed you. if she hasnt got Dr next to her name on the letter i doubt very much she is a pysch.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I ought to have been able to work that one out for myself. Now I know she IS a psychistrist. This makes things worse as there is no way I want to go there again. Psychiatrists just mess me up more that I already am and I cannot do this.
Although I might be communicating a little better than I was, I am not up to standing up for myself with a psychiatrist, particularly when I am terrified anyway.
I now know it will be a waste of time going. I won't be able to trust her and therefore will not be able to be open and honest about my issues. I feel the need to protect myself from her and know I would end up saying what she wants to hear just to get out of there.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">ive debated with myself whether or not to tear your 'i dont deserve any help' theory to pieces. well, i'll leave it at, i dont believe it - nobody else that posts to you seems believe it, surely we cant all be wrong.
you said you dont know what to do anymore the other day, if you do get any counselling try and resolve this inner conflict that rages inside you - you are a nice person but you treat yourself so badly.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I really believe I am a terrible person and that I don't deserve any help though. I cannot get over this because I do not like myself. I think I hurt people and make people unhappy.
When my own parents believe that I am worthless, useless and the worst person on the planet, what hope is there? My own Mum does not even want anything to do with me. If she cannot even love me then it goes to prove that I am bad.
I don't see how anything will ever change this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Ray
Thanks for your reply. I wish I believed that I will find the courage to attend this appointment when the times comes, but I really do not believe I will. I am in a panic about it already and it is almost 5 weeks away yet.
I believe the only thing that could persuade me to see this psychiatrist would be K being here to hold my hand, which is not going to happen.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Since you have this verbal communication problem I'm wondering if there's any mileage in typing out various versions of sets of statements and questions that you would otherwise talk to the person about?
One version could be slightly more revelaing than another and you could decide on which one to give according to how you saw the person from the CMHT.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is a good idea but aside from my difficulties with talking, I also do not feel able to trust psychiatrists and therefore could not even contemplate opening up about any of my issues with her. This makes the whole idea of going to see her at all completely pointless. As far as I am concerned, if I do not tell her anything then she cannot make me worse, like has happened in the past.
I also cannot go through being expected to sit there and talk for the whole hour or the psychodynamic stuff. It simply makes things worse.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I really think you DO deserve the help - in fact there is no doubt about that. Everybody on this site deserves help. So why should the person who has made the most posts on this forum, many of them of a supportive nature, be excluded?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks, however I not think number of posts equates to helping people. From my own threads on here you will note that a lot of these posts are about my own issues and not supporting others at all. I don't do as much as that as I would like as I cannot help and do not have anything useful to say.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
ummm, well i didn't really intend to give your anxiety ammunition ... but there you go. i suppose there is a posibility she a pyschologist but the easiest way to know is to ask.
i can relate to what your feelings are saying (i have actually been sectioned). if you think this appointment isn't the right path for you .. try a different direction, so who do you think you need to see? or what else do you wanna try?
i always thought my own anxiety was some kind of self-hate illness. i dont doubt your feelings that you believe you are a terrible person. but the nature of this illness is to make your feelings Not Work Properly. Yes illness. just because it happens it doesnt make it true, you know its 'old stuff' and anxiety your reacting to. and the Hope is that you can teach yourself to stop reacting and start acting irreguards of how you feel. i've done it, so i know you can.
you mum situation is very sad, hug for you, all it proves is that you've got painful experiences in your life, past and present and that she no doubt has got Her own issues.
hope you have a serene day, you take care .. andrew
Hi Karen,
Just to pick up the 'number of threads' issue.
When I joined this site, I got an immediate lift from the number of welcomes I got - people just saying "Hi!". I know you do this on a very regular basis and so have helped a great many people just by saying this.
Yes, of course you have posted extensively on your own issues, but I feel you are underestimating the value you give to others.
Cheers,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Thanks Ray. You are very kind for saying so. I am just unable to see that I have any worth at all.
Andrew: You didn't really give my anxiety amunition as I was already pretty sure she is a psychiatrist - it is just my luck really. Although several people are telling this could just be for the assessment appointment before she decides where to go from here, from experience I seem to get stuck here and just don't see how this is going to help.
As to what will help or alternative routes, I just don't know. Most of the time I now believe there is nothing that will help. I see other people improving, moving forward and getting better whereas I just get worse. This is my own fault and I don't see how there is a way past this.
Half the time now I just do not have the fight in me to keep going. I think the anorexia has me beat. I can never be happy without K anyway, so what is the point to anything? I know I can never actually be with her but will continue to need her. Now I feel so bad as I know some of the things I say are causing her to be upset. This is the last thing in the world I want.
I'm feeling incredibly anxious tonight, not knowing whether she is coming back tomorrow or how much longer she will be away for.
I feel so low tonight. I just want K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Everything just keeps getting worse. I have really been struggling for the past few days when K has been away.
I was really hoping to get a message from her today but now the forum has gone down. Why does this keep happening to me. I can't cope with this anymore. It means another day when I won't hear from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Is the forum back yet? Have you heard from K?
Love kate xxx
Hi Karen
How are you?
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm not feeling very well and am finding things really difficult at the moment. Just seem to spend most of my time in bed as I'm so tired and cannot get warm.
Now the other forum has gone down again which has sent me into another panic. I need it to be up and running to look out for K. I cannot cope with the extra anxiety this happening keeps causing.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I wont preach as you dont need that hun.
You will feel cold as you are not getting the food your body requires but you know that.
I am here for you whenever you need me.
Failuare isnt about giving up it is about when the strength we have to fight has gone, but as long as we breath that strength is there and wont leave us even if we are not ready to accept it.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Having another bad day but then all my days seem to be bad at the moment. I feel so low and need K so much. I know she is very busy though and so feel bad that I want so much to hear from her.
I didn't sleep very well again and have another migraine today. Just feel so down and alone here, and I don't know if I can come back from the depths of despair I find myself in this time.
I'm struggling with the voice of anorexia which doesn't want me to eat and seems to have renewed its fight to prevent me from eating today. I do feel hungry. I know my body wants and needs food, but I look at food and just can't eat it. The anorexia won't let me.
I know it probably seems so easy to most people who might wonder why I don't just eat, but it really is not at all easy and the more I try to resist the voice of anorexia which tells me not to eat, the stronger it becomes and the harder it pushes me back down again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
sorry you are having a crappy few days.. but you know what happens after crappy days??!?!?! better days!!! maybe still crap but not as crap.
excuse my very basic explanation there, my brain is not in gear tonight! i'm tired!
have your pussy cats been out enjoying the sun today? mine are stretched out on the patio, loving it!
keep in touch honey - you are such a stong character, i think you are doing fantastically well in staying strong despite the obstacles.. keep it up..
Lisa
xxx
nomorepanic
08-06-05, 19:45
Karen
Sorry things are bad for you at the moment.
Has K been in touch atall?
I know it is hard for you to eat and I can imagine how bad it makes you feel but please try something small.
You need some energy to fight things and I bet you are feeling quite poorly with no food in you.
I am not going to on about it cos I know you have heard it all before but we are here for you if you want to talk ok?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
hi karen,
hopefully your headaches gone and your feeling a little better now.
tell that voice to shut up, say it loud.
its harder when you feel alone, but your not on your own, alot of people are wishing you well. and if you want a visit or company - just say.
you take care .. andrew
hi Karen,
Sorry to hear about your rough time. I know that things are very hard for you but they will get better. Try to eat small amounts when you can..
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Thanks Lisa, Nic and Andrew.
I wish I could believe that the recent bad days will lead to some better ones Lisa. My days just seem to get worse and I keep slipping further.
K is back thanks Nic and I have now heard from her today. She is very busy though, I suppose catching up with everything from when she was away.
I know I should eat, and I have had something but I just can't seem to eat the amount I am meant to be eating. I cannot handle the way it makes me feel and all these messages I get from the anorexia when I try to eat. It is so hard.
I still have a migraine and am feeling so tired and lacking in energy. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. The appointment wasn't until the afternoon, which at least meant I wouldn't have to rush to get up and get there. However, she sent me an email tonight moving the appointment to first thing in the morning. I don't know how I am going to be able to get there, as it takes over an hour in normal traffic, but in rush hour it can be double that.
Thanks for your offer of a visit Andrew. It is really kind. I do feel alone but at the same time I don't feel able to see anyone either. I suppose the problem is that I really just want K and I know I can't be with her.
I do wish that my family were more understanding at times like this and that I had someone to look after me, which sounds pathetic because I'm an adult and should be able to look after myself. However, seeing my family just makes things worse as they do not understand the first thing about any of this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
08-06-05, 22:33
Karen
I really wish your family cared more cos it would be so lovely for you to get a hug off your mum or dad.
Sorry not meaning to upset you - just feeling for you right now and I know that it is hard for you to cope.
Do you want me to call tomorrow night for a chat?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
Thanks for your reply. I do wish I had a better relationship with my mum and dad. You're right, I really could do with a hug and some comfort right now but I also know there is no chance of this happening. Mum wouldn't even want to see or speak to me, let alone help me through this. And with dad there are always strings and conditions attached to everything. Plus he doesn't understand these problems at all and thinks I am being difficult or doing it for attention, which has always been his answer for everything.
I would really appreciate a phone call tomorrow evening if that is ok? Thank you so much for offering.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
09-06-05, 07:59
Hi Karen,
You know you are loved by everyone here. I know that doesn't compensate for parents who have made mistakes but I wanted to say that.
You have done so well Karen. A few months ago you didn't seem to want to acknowledge your anorexia. Now you have, that is both brave and encouraging.
My parents made mistakes, that has resulted in us being anything but close, but they are human beings who messed up. I don't hate them, I don't really like them, but I do love them.
--
Blue
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
pinkscrumpy
09-06-05, 09:01
[:X][:X][:X][:X]
Karen
I'm just sending you a really big hug and a big fat juicy kiss.
Try and stay strong. As all say you are doing so well and we love you loads
HUGS AND KISSES
MANDIE XX
nomorepanic
09-06-05, 10:23
Karen - I will call after 6pm tonight if that is ok?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Karen,
how did you appt with the therapist go today??
thinking of you and sending you a very big hug ((((())))))
lots a love,
lisa
xxx
nomorepanic
09-06-05, 19:31
Karen
Tried to call but no answer - maybe you are not feeling too good tonight.
If you want me to call later tonight then I will ok?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Karen, hope your appointment went Ok, just to say still thinking about you, miss you in chat, be nice to see you when your ready, take care, love Alexisxx
Hope today was ok Karen :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hi All
Thank you all so much for the messages of support. It is just what I need after the day I've had.
The visit to see my therapist was stressful to say the least, as she wanted to take me to hospital right there and then, and had cancelled all her morning appointments to do this. I panicked as hospital it my worst nightmare.
After lots of discussion initially between her and me, and then involving K too (the one really good thing about today was I finally got to talk to K although it would've been better if I could have done this at a time when I wasn't panicking and therefore might've been able to talk more), I have an emergency appointment to see a doctor in the morning. This isn't my doctor but the other female doctor at the surgery.
I'm feeling really anxious about this and what might happen, as my therapist keeps telling me how serious this is and I don't even have time to wait until I see the psychiatrist at the beginning of July. K had kindly sent a letter to the doctor by fax and is going to try to talk to her in the morning before I go. However, I am still so scared.
Nic: It was nice to talk to you tonight and I appreciate your offer to ring me tomorrow when I come back from the doctors (hopefully).
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen
hope today goes well for you, take care .. andrew
nomorepanic
10-06-05, 11:54
Karen
I am pleased it went ok at the doctors.
Spoke to Meg earlier and she said to say "Hi" and tell you that she is thinking of you. She can't really get online much from the hotel but will be back late Sunday night.
Hope you are feeling a bit better about things now?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
Thanks for calling me this morning to ask how my appointment went. Can you say "Hi" back to Meg for me if you speak to her again?
I am relieved that the immediate danger of hospital is out of the picture for the moment. However, I can't help thinking that this would be more likely to come from a mental health professional anyway, so I am still feeling quite anxious about what is going to happen next.
I would still rather not see anyone involved in mental health services and I don't really feel comfortable about having a stranger coming to my house, as this makes me feel anxious anyway, plus there is all this talk about hospital.
Although I know this has only happened because people are concerned about me and worried about my physical health, I really don't want to face it still.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
10-06-05, 19:53
No probs Karen - just wanted to make sure you were ok.
I don't think she will call again but when I text her I will say you said Hi.
Let's see what happens ok - take each step as it comes and face each one in turn.
We are here to help you along ok?
What has K had to say about it all now?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Karen, just to say still thinking of you, Im glad you got into chat last night, hope you doing as ok as you can, take care love Alexis, xx
Thanks Nic. It helps to know I have friends here helping me along and supporting me. I am really scared about everything that is happening at the moment.
I haven't heard from K since first thing this morning and she hasn't read my message about the doctor's appointment this morning yet. I'm hoping I might hear from her in the morning.
Thanks Alexis. I'm just doing what I can to get by. I'll try to get into chat more again. Have just felt too tired and not up to even spending as much time on the computer as usual.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Am getting really worked up about the psychiatric involvement again and all the talk there has been about hospital. I'm so scared someone will decide I have to go in there when I don't want to. I'll lose control over everything and they will force me to eat, which won't help because I'll only lose it again when I get out.
The worst thing is that I wouldn't have any contact with K and if that happens I would just give up. My life has no meaning without her. I need her and I couldn't cope with being cut off from her like that. It would be the end. I'm scared they are going to take her away from me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
obviously you've got alot of anxiety surrounding this whole situation, try not to let it overwhelm you. there is no easy answers and whatever happens its gonna be hard - when hasn't it been hard.
simple advice, stick to your food plan or better it, be seen to be trying to recover. and i know that you've been trying really hard but i dont think you communicate this positively. be alot stricter with yourself about what you say, banish the negativity.
if you did end up going into a hospital, you might have internet access, you can write and recieve letters and there is always the phone ... so your not likely to be cut off from anybody. the couple of people that have posted here after going in hospital for similar reasons have said it helped them a bit.
have a nice day, stay busy, keep trying .. take care andrew
Hi Karen,
I've never replied to your posts before so Hi, but i have read them all.
I just want to say that you say you are losing control if they take you into hospital so now is your chance to be incontrol if you dont want to go and dont want to lose K then eat I know it sounds harsh but nows your chance do do something and be in control so take control whilst you have the chance. If you eat they wont need to take you into hospital by you not eating you aint in control the anorexia IS. Try looking at it this way every piece of food you eat is keeping you closer to K and out of hospital.
Take care
Lisa
Hi Andrew
Thanks for your reply. I do have a huge amount of anxiety surrounding this situation and the more the possibility of hospital is mentioned to me, the worse it gets. I don't even believe that I need to go into hospital or that I am that ill. I think my therapist was overreacting last week and I also believe people think I am worse than I am.
I do my best to stick to my food plan but it is so difficult to do so consistently. The slightest anxiety, upset or low feelings about something else and my way of coping now is to stop eating. So really all this involvement by psychiatric services is just making me worse.
Also I have heard some real horror stories told by people who have been admitted to hospital for anorexia, where all so-called 'privaleges' like phone calls, letters and visitors are stopped and only allowed as 'rewards' for gaining weight. I would like to know how isolating someone further is good for their emotional health. I'm sure people do gain weight in those circumstances, but only as a means to get out of hosptial, when it is then possible to lose it all again.
So although most people in hospital can keep in touch with friends, I am not sure this is the case here. I don't think my local hospital has patient Internet access as it is relatively small. Maybe the big city hospitals do.
Being forced into hospital would be the worst thing that could happen. Without K I would give up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Lisa
I realise it seems easy to just tell me to eat to stay out of hosptial and if only it were that simple. I know anyone who has never struggled with anorexia or any other kind of eating disorder cannot understand what this is like. Of course I know I should eat. I know I need to eat in order to get better, BUT it is not that easy.
Every minute of the day I struggle with this. I do want to eat but I just often cannot do it. I've prepared the small meals from my food plan and been sitting almost in tears and feeling totally frustrated that I just cannot eat one mouthful of it. If I could eat more then I would.
I fear hospital not just because of losing control, but also because it would mean being cut off from K, and without K I wouldn't even want to live.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
Sorry to hear about what you have been going through lately. I do think that Loulou is making a valid point though. I think you have reached a point where you need to make a very important decision. This is your time to take control. By not doing this, you will only be distancing yourself from K even further. You don't have to eat a lot and get fat - no one is suggesting that. You just need to motivate yourself to eat enough to be healthy and not wither away like I think you've been doing. If you can't do this for yourself, then please so it for K and for everyone on here who really cares about you..
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Karen,
I don't suffer from an eating disorder or indeed know of anyone that does. I have, however, watched items and films on television about the illness and I know that the denial of food is not the real issue, it is the emotions behind it all that is to blame.
I understand that to deny yourself food is the way that your anxieties are manifesting themselves. It is not about just making yourself eat. It is a whole lot more complex than that. The food issues cannot be resolved until your emotional problems can be resolved.
When will the CPN be visiting you? I think that she should be made aware that all the talk about admission to hospital is only making your situation worse. It may well be that you can be monitored at home where you will be more comfortable. All this needs to be discussed with the CPN.
I hope that the CPN contacts you very soon as this additional worry is not helping your situation at all.
Love Kate xxx
It will all be good in the end!!!!!!!
Brandy
Hi Kate
Thanks for your reply.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know that the denial of food is not the real issue, it is the emotions behind it all that is to blame... I understand that to deny yourself food is the way that your anxieties are manifesting themselves. It is not about just making yourself eat. It is a whole lot more complex than that. The food issues cannot be resolved until your emotional problems can be resolved.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is very true and why just telling me to eat is not going to help my situation. Anorexia is the way my depression and anxiety is currently manifesting itself and I cannot feel better about eating while still struggling with the emotional distress.
It is also why telling me or putting pressure on me to eat does not help and is in fact counterproductive. I know what I should be doing regarding food and eating, but I am simply unable to do it. Suggesting that I eat to please K just serves to make me feel worse, as I already have tremendous guilt about this and have tried me hardest to do it for her but I have failed on the whole. If I were able to start eating better for anyone it would be for K.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">When will the CPN be visiting you? I think that she should be made aware that all the talk about admission to hospital is only making your situation worse. It may well be that you can be monitored at home where you will be more comfortable. All this needs to be discussed with the CPN.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't yet know when I will be seeing the CPN. I have had a letter from them asking me to ring to arrange an appointment, but phoning really isn't an option.
After discussing it with K, it looks like a letter to ask them to arrange this in writing is the only way forward.
I am scared of even mentioning the word 'hospital' to them - that is how scared I am of this happening. I'm having nightmares about it which started ever since my therapist tried to get me to go there last week. K suggested I ask the CMHT in my letter to contact her for more information if I felt this would help and I think I am going to do this. I trust her and I think I will ask her if she can get them to lay off discussing hospital. It is definitely making me worse. I'm terrified I will be made to go there and I can't even consider that as a possibility.
Thanks for your support Kate.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Just caught up with your posts, hope you are ok today.
Thinking of you
Take care
Elaine x
Am feeling terrible today. I haven't had any sleep since Saturday night and have been trying to sleep this morning, but I am so anxious and panicky that I can't.
Someone from the CMHT is supposed to be ringing me today and I am on edge because of having to answer the phone and talk to them, especially as I don't even want to see a CPN in the first place. I feel on the verge of panic all the time and can't handle this.
I also haven't heard from K today and am feeling really desperate about that too. I need her, particularly at the moment and I can't cope with this. Don't know what to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluesparkle
13-06-05, 14:42
hi karen...
we have chatted a few times in chat room and you have given me some very good advice in your replies to my posts... i have been reading all your posts each day but never reply as i dont know what to put(im not very good at putting into words what i want to say...but im working on it)
i just wanted to say hi... and i really feel for you at the moment...and am thinking of you ...especially with the situation with k as i know that the added stess of something like that just doesnt help...(i know my situation was a little different) i know thats not much help especially if you are feeling so low but i wanted to put a reply in to let you know you are in our thoughts.
please let us know how it goes with the phone call...
take care
rach
Hay Karen...i hope your feeling a bit better....i hope the summer will give you that extra bit of light to give you a boost of hope,that will keep you going.
Hi Karen,
did the CMHT call you?? I hope you are ok. I know you are going through the mill a bit at the moment, but you will come out the other end. I hope you did make contact with the CMHT - please dont forget that they are there to HELP you.. to help you.. and to make you get on top of this illness.. all you have to do is give them a chance..
thinking of you,
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks Lisa, Rach and buffybot.
I don't know why I even bother really. It was so difficult for me to make that phone call to the CMHT this morning, as I don't want to see anyone from there anyway really and making phone calls is so difficult.
They told me someone would ring me back and I have spent the day in a panic, with high levels of anxiety waiting for the phone to ring. In the end no one called.
I've had no sleep since Saturday night/Sunday morning and feel really awful tonight. I feel really down, very anxious still and totally exhausted.
I am not going to ring them again. I don't need them and I certainly don't need this extra stress.
Feeling really bad tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have decided to unplug the phone so I can sleep today. I can't have another day of the high anxiety and panic I experienced yesterday. The only problem is I am also waiting to hear from my therapist, but I might have to text her and tell her to contact me on my mobile instead.
I don't even want to see a CPN or psychiatrist and don't believe they can help. All this is doing is making me feel worse. I'm petrified of being taken into hospital against my will and of the enforced separation from K. I don't even believe I am that ill to need it in the first place. My original thoughts about NHS psychiatric services were right.
As long as I have K that is all that matters.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Was really stupid today and feel I have let K down big time. My anxiety about the involvement of psychiatric services really got to me and I couldn't handle it. I don't feel I need them and don't want strangers in my home. I am too scared to confide in them about what has been happening.
I have to tell K about this and today's events and I hope she isn't upset with me. That's all I care about really. I should be braver and go along with what she thinks will help but I just can't help being so scared. I don't know what I'll do if I've upset her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
14-06-05, 21:10
Karen
I think that you are going to have to go along with this one as much as you don't want to or Jill may do what she tried to do last time.
I am not trying to scare you atall but you know how her and K feel about this so you will have to go along with it.
They both want the best for you so please give it some thought.
Has K had anything to say about it all ?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
K thinks I need the extra help and support from a CPN visiting me at home daily. She understands why I am so scared about this and the thought of going into hospital. However, she thinks getting some extra help and support is what I need in order to stay out of hospital.
I trust K and I am trying to go along with this for her, however my fear takes over and I panic.
A CPN called me today to sort out what help and support I need but I simply panicked and denied that I am really ill or that I have a serious problem. I didn't mean to do this, I just couldn't admit how bad things have been. Now I am worrying that K will be disappointed in me when she reads my message about this tomorrow. I think I convinced the CPN that I am not bad enough to need to see someone daily, or even that I need someone to visit me at home. I feel so bad because I've wrecked everything K tried to set up to help me.
I'm also seeing Jill tomorrow and will have to tell her about this and am scared what she is going to say. I don't want a repeat of what happened last week.
Am just so annoyed with myself that I keep sabotaging all efforts to help me. I know the anorexia makes it difficult to admit to the problems because of the messages it sends out to me constantly to get me to hide the problem, but I just feel I should be able to get past this and get better. I never lie to K or hide anything from her, no matter how much the anorexia wants me to, but it does make me want to hide the truth from doctors and the psychiatric services in particular. When I get scared it is easier to give in and deny I have a problem, especially when most of the time I don't even think I am that ill anyway.
I just can't believe where I've ended up and the mess I've made of everything. There seems like no way out of this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
15-06-05, 06:24
Let's get this sorted out now Karen.
The CMHT have a crisis team, well most do, and this is a team who you can contact for support 24/7 if you believe you are at crisis point. So that in itself is a good tool to have at your disposal.
FEAR - It isn't nice, it feels horrible and we run away from it. Everyone does. What we have to do sometimes is feel that fear, understand that temporarily we will experience it, but that it will pass and that by facing it we are going to leave behind the pain of the old life and move toward a new life where we can be genuinely happy.
You have to really want to get well Karen. By that I mean you don't care how frightened you get, or how unsure you feel, deep inside you just have an urge to be well again and will do whatever it takes to achieve that.
Now your going to need support to face your fear, nobody can do that alone, and that is where your CMHT will come in. Together with their support and the support of other organisations you will get better.
--
Blue
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Now your going to need support to face your fear, nobody can do that alone, and that is where your CMHT will come in. Together with their support and the support of other organisations you will get better.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That is all very well Blue, except the CMHT are currently the CAUSE of my fear, so they are not very likely to help me get better.
It wouldn't matter how much of a crisis I was having, the crisis team or CMHT are the last people I would call on to help me through it. The majority of my fear, anxiety and panic over the last week has been caused because of their involvement.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
15-06-05, 10:52
No Karen, that is what your telling yourself so you can avoid your fear. They aren't the thing that is frightening you, its how you feel that is frightening you.
You have to be brave sweetheart, you can get well but it takes courage. Take that initial step and let people help you.
--
Blue
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
Hi Karen,
I have been following this thread for a while now, but didn't know what to say until today. I can tell that you have completely worked yourself up about seeing any professionals. I know that you have had negative experiences in the past...but these people ARE here to help. They went into their respective professions because they honestly want to help people like us. It definitely isn't a job that you just fall into ie. they may not really want to be there. You talk as if they are against you, you have mentioned many times having to fight against them. But again, they are only trying to help. I urge you to look back earlier in your thread when you were preparing to see your dietician...I remember you thought it would be awful and a waste of time. Yet after you came back you said that she was really nice and understanding (not what you had been expecting at all). Maybe the same will be true now? I think all of us here can relate to how our thoughts can spiral downwards into the worst case scenario, and then once we have faced it, its not as bad as we were expecting. Karen, you are not alone in this!
You mentioned that you don't feel that you are really that ill to need this help...I don't want to bring up the dreaded "hospitalization", because I completely understand your fear of this scenario. But if your councellor felt that this was an option, then you do need help. And the only way that you will avoid it is to demonstrate to them that you are trying to do it on your own. So if for no other reason, try for that!!
We all understand your fear Karen, this is the cornerstone of all of our problems. We are afraid too. But for those of us that have recovered, we had to face our fears head on. Its not easy, but it is the only way to beat it, and I'm sure you have read many of the posts of those who have faced it and have felt so amazing afterwards. Why don't you call the CMHT back and ask them to come? I know that you are afraid, but I also know that you feel that you let K and your councellor down. Or maybe you could do this tomorrow with your councellor's help?
Karen, if you don't accept help, nothing will change for you. You will continue to be tormented by the anorexia and unwelcome thoughts. You deserve better than this!!! Please give it a try! I am sorry for the rambling message that may sound a little harsh at times, but I do have the best intentions, and I say everything in the hope that it will help.
Please take care and keep in touch,
xxxLisa
Hello Karen,
I too read this thread regularly and find it difficult to comment sometimes, but I really want you to get better and think you can only do so by taking decisions that may be painful at first. But being strong will pay off, and will lead to tackling your other issues being a little easier.
However hard it may be, please take the advice that Lisa and Blue are putting forward.
Most of us here including myself have sat at the bottom of our dark chasm and have misunderstood our own thoughts. And I think your perceived fear of the CMHT is just such an example. You are utterly frightened that they are going to cart you away, but don't seem to acknowledge that they are there to help you.
I think you have to see the CMHT people and be honest with them. I know that's hard but you have to take these tough steps.
We all want you to get better, and I think you do to...
Take Care,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Thanks Blue, Lisa and Ray.
I've been to see my therapist today, and I also wrote to K last night to admit what I had done. She is so kind and understanding, and wasn't the least bit annoyed or disappointed in me for panicking and denying everything to the CPN yesterday.
Jill, my therapist, was also really good about it and said it is a natural reaction when panicking and not to worry because it can be sorted out. She suggested I email K and ask if she would mind ringing the CMHT on my behalf and explaining what had happened. She let me do this from her office and K did ring them for me.
I'm still panicking about it and I still really don't want their involvement. I wasn't so much panicked by the dietician, more just not convinced she would be able to do anything to help, which I was proved right on at this moment in time. However, I have had such bad experiences with psychiatric services in the past and I am finding it really difficult to get past these.
Someone from the CMHT is going to be ringing me tomorrow, which is hard enough in itself because talking on the phone is difficult without also panicking if they start asking me more questions. I know K is prepared to be in contact with the CPN when I know who this is which does help a bit. I just don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone from there, and definitely not in the same way I can trust K.
Rather than viewing what I did yesterday as a negative, K told me it was a victory in the sense that I was later able to tell her the truth about it which is the important thing.
I still believe though that K is all I need to get through this and get better, and nothing the CMHT or the psychiatrist does is going to help, particularly when I am so wary of them and am going to find it impossible to be open about the way I am feeling.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Just catching up hun. Have read the last few pages and you have done well. As i always say credit where credit is due and hope you take that on board.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen, just need you to know that Im not replying to your posts because you are getting such wonderful advice, and I dont think I can offer what a lot of people do but I am thinking of you and following this. Thanks Karen for the support you have given to me and the replies to my posts,they are valuable to me, see you in chat when you feel up to it, take care, Love Alexis,x
Thanks Sal. I don't feel I am doing that well because I keep sabotaging the plans that are put in place to help me.
How are you? Did you have a good holiday?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Alexis
No need to worry about not posting. I do realise how difficult it is for anyone to really understand what I am experiencing, particularly with the anorexia and my very real, but irrational, fear of letting in help from the CMHT. It helps to know people care so thank you.
I don't feel up to coming in chat at the moment, as I am feeling really low. It is nice to know you are thinking of me though and I hope I can come back in at some stage.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feeling really very low today, as well as very scared and anxious because the CMHT are supposed to be ringing at some point today.
I only slept for an hour or so last night and really just want to go back to bed again, which I think I might do. I can't hang around getting more and more worked up waiting for this phone call. I am worried that I will panic again and not be able to be open with them about my problems, even after K spoke to them yesterday to explain.
Just wondering what the point is to any of this at the moment. Every day is the same and rather than feeling any better, I just get more depressed and feel my life slipping away a little bit more with each day that passes. There is never anything to look forward to, or any reason to even want to carry on. If it weren't for K I think I would just give up completely now. I really don't care if the anorexia finishes me off, because at least I wouldn't have to live like this any more.
Just wish I could see even a little bit of hope that things could improve or there could be something to look forward to, and to want to get out of bed for. But there isn't. I really do feel like I have had enough.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
And just to make things even worse, my other forum is having problems again and I am sure it is going to crash, meaning I won't hear from K today. Things can't get any worse.
bluebottle
16-06-05, 12:55
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just wish I could see even a little bit of hope that things could improve or there could be something to look forward to, and to want to get out of bed for.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
OK Karen, I'm going to call your bluff. I know of books that will show you that there is a way out of this. It will show you there is everything to look forward to. There is your hope, and I'll even post the first one to you for free.
--
Blue
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
Sorry Blue but I don't see how a book is going to make any difference or show me there is any hope.
I've lived with this depression for most of my life and it never goes away. In fact, it just keeps getting worse.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Oh Karen there is hope. You can't give up even though it is hard for you!
I really hope you are feeling better!
Brandyxx
Karen
Defence isnt always the best form of attack and at times we all need to give every opportunity a chance.
Karen i know you are not coping and i know how hard this is for you and maybe i am the worst person to help you seeing what i saw yesterday at work but it does make you think, made me.
I have fought through this for Sam but when i look back it was for me as i wanted to get better.
I saw a person who was so distrubed yesterday, who wanted to end it all and he succeeded, but then again through my time i have seen him many a time doing the same thing but this time he took it too far.
I bet if we could ask him know he wouldnt want what has happened and neither did the officers.
Karen all i am trying to say is that at times we all wanted to give up, but regardless of the support we got or the people we loved, we did it for us. Like i say i always did it for Sam but that isnt true when i look back if i was so determined Sam wouldnt have come into the equation.
You have strength that you keep forgetting about and think that only K can give you that, but who got you to where you are today, you. K wasnt there and i know your tutor was but before and after that you got through it and you will again. Look at you and your reasons and you will come up with alot of answers.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
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