Really Struggling (sorry for the long post)

[Hereford Al]

Hi all.
I have been struggling quite badly this last week or so.

I've been signed off work for the past 3 months, and every time I have a good week I usually have a few crappy weeks straight after. It is affecting me quite strongly because each time I think "Yeah, I'm doing good here" I maybe end up getting a little too overconfident and then for some reason a random thought or feeling will send me spiralling downwards.

The week of 15th-21st September was really good. I survived my parents being away (they have been my safety net to talk to since July) on holiday for the previous 2 weeks (possibly the longest 2 weeks of my life!) and managed to go out into town 3 days in a row. I even popped into work for an hour for a cuppa tea and a chat and felt the most calm and relaxed in the office that I had for ages. I felt fantastic. The sun was shining and all was good apart from Hereford United losing every week.

Last Tuesday I went into town and felt a bit of a sharp pain in my groin/abdomen area. I got in a bit of a panic and headed home on the bus ASAP and felt really sick for a few days - Think I must have picked up a bug or something. I managed to go back into town on Saturday, despite feeling a bit rough still, and just about survived it. Since the weekend though my anxiety has been almost as bad as it has been when all this got started.

I have not been able to sleep properly the last few nights, and every morning for the past week I have woken up feeling extremely aggitated. This morning I came downstairs at 9-ish and went into the kitchen to get a cup of tea. My Mum asked me how I was, and for some reason I just burst into a crying fit for nearly an hour.

The lady who I see from my Community Mental Health Team (they are absolute stars) is away until next week and I am really struggling to cope without having her able to talk to me if I need it.

For the first time since I started taking my Mirtazapine (15mg) towards the end of July, I feel as if I have no appetite. My stomach hurts, my chest hurts and I just feel whacked, dizzy and almost as if my limbs weigh 10 times more that what they should. I'd love to sleep, but I am so anxious that I cant seem to sleep properly.

I do not know what to do. This whole thing of thinking I am getting better, only to be hit bad with anxiety once again is really starting to get to me now.

[Veronica H]

Hi Al

The same thing happened to me this week. I thought I have cracked it, just need a bit of CBT now and off I go. Then I had an attack and lost my confidence for a while. I have kept a journal since I was diagnosed a few months ago and I would recommend this to you, because on such days when I look back I can see that everything about this illness is up one day down the next, but that overall these attacks are not as bad as they were and that I am improving. I think you did brilliantly while your parents were away but that your nerves can not repair themselves overnight and need more time. We loose perspective very easily with this 'thing' and it was only talking to members on the site this week that made me realise that although I fill the journal in I was not looking back at it as I was too busy looking at my failures. Things will get better Al, so hang in there.:bighug1:

Veronica

[Dazza]

Hi Al,

Firstly, really sorry to to hear that you have been having a particularly hard time of it.

It's always frustrating when we have a set back, and it can make us feel hopeless, like all is lost. But You need to remind yourself that you have had better days, and that means that you WILL have them again. It's a case of two steps forward and one back.

You mention that the lady from the community mental health team is away at the moment. You know, you can also call the Samaritans...contrary to what many people may think, they are not just there for people who are suicidal, they are also there for people like you and I who may just be finding it hard to cope with certain feelings, fears etc. Here is their telephone number. Write it down in case you do feel low, then you will only be a phone call away from someone who can help you:

Samaritans 08457 90 90 90

Please try not to let this setback get you too down... easily said I know, as I've been there myself. As Veronica suggested (my counsellor did too), maybe write a diary of yur feelings and symptoms, and then over time you will see a generaly trend: IMPROVEMENT!

all the best and keep talking to us!

Hugs

[Hereford Al]

Hi Veronica and Dazza. Thanks for the replies.
I took my dog out for a nice long walk after eating my lunch and feel a bit better now - just very tired!

I also managed to contact another member of the same CMH Team and have arranged for an appointment early next week. They will look into possibly increasing my medication. I went to a 5 week CBT course in August and found it useful, but I struggle to put it into practice at times.

Yeah, I think the feeling "I survived!" after my parents got back got me on a real high for a few days, I felt the best I had in months after two weeks of madness (due to my Brother having his Girlfriend and their 7 year old Daughter stay in the house whilst my parents were away. Pure chaos every evening!) and pretty much constant anxiety. I felt almost liberated at the end of it all.

I do not feel as utterly hopeless as I did back in July when I really felt like it was the end for me, but it is this constant worrying of whether the next good day will have a bad day straight after type of thing that is the hardest part. I have also become almost nostalgic thinking back at some of the nicer times of my few months off work, because it seems that the last 3 months has flown by! I want to go back to my job eventually, because deep down I like it and I love the people I work with and they have been supportive, but I know that if I push it too hard to return (I tried to go back in August and pretty much had to be ferried home after 2 hours) then it will set me back even more.

I am going to take your advices, and start keeping a journal. I've always been better at writing things than saying them (which is probably what caused my stress problems in the first place, bottling everything up!) and I am sure that 12 months from now I will look at it and realise that I WILL come through this, and that when I do, things that used to bother me won't worry me half as much.

Thanks both,
Al

[Yvonne]

Al,

I reckon the feeling whacked and stuff is the med. I think it's very sedative at that dosage. Is this the first time y ou have taken meds? Good luck for next week.

The med is making you feel heavy