Cant seem to recover

[Jon06121974]

Hi I was a bit of a regular on this site 6 months ago until i found a fantastic private phichiatrist who put me on venlafaxin for 3 months. i have been off of medication for 2 1/2 months and things seem to be slipping again in recent weeks.

I started around a year ago experiencing problems with my nervous system that made me have panic attacks and extreme tiredness and the GP could not sort me out despite a number of meds tried inc citalopram. i also had scans and test which were all fine. I saw psycologists and they couldnt help but this last psychiatrist sorted me (well got me functioning again).

I relocated with my family and got a new job in recruitment working from home which seemed ideal but despite being very over qualified i have not been able to make the job work which has left me in a very unstable position expecting the sack at any moment.

Im down because i want to be the business person i once was and have been beating myself up and putting so much pressure on myself to be a success again. i just feel like everything is going against me and im never going to move on and be proud of what i do and achieve again.

Ive considered starting my own business but im scared it will fail or my body wont cope with the pressures, i just want stability in my work life, to be able to pay the mortgae and laugh again.

Today ive been feeling down and getting nervous feelings in my stomach and getting out of bed is hard, my nerves are twitchy which is where this all started. My wife is amazing and wants to help and gives me lots of reasurance but i feel im letting her down, i love my kids but find them hard to cope with when their loud and demanding attention and find im snapping at them all the time and just want to hide.

It would be really good to hear from people in the same boat and try and find some positives. just so you know i was diagnosed as suffering from cyclothimia which is a depressive ilness but i cant find anyone who has had such severe physical symptoms and how they have coped.

maybe i just need a good kick up the backside who knows.

[freakedout]

Hi Jon,

I am sorry to read how bad you are feeling . I feel for you with your anxieties about your work situation, and not knowing how secure that job is just adds to the anxieties. I can understand a lot of what you say about wanting to set up a business etc but the other half of you wonders whether you can cope.

I retired on ill health grounds not too long ago and am absolutely lost without my job, a job, a sense of purpose. I understand what you say about the sense of pride and achievement that you associate with that business person you used to be and who could blame you for wanting that back. What line of business were you in?

I have no solutions to offer, just understanding. I too would like the idea of running my own business, but I am totally stuck for ideas and limited because of my damned psychological problems.
i love my kids but find them hard to cope with when their loud and demanding attention and find im snapping at them all the time and just want to hide.I could have written that too.

I am sorry my post isn't positive, and I am surprised you haven't had more replies, surely there are others in similar situations.

I wish you well anyway, feel free to pm me if you like.

Freaky

[OldChris]

Jon - i can identify with your position.

I had one of those demanding jobs from hell and a boss born from satans spawn - it got to me over a period of 6 months till i could take no more - i was reduced from a confident executive who found it easy to present to 500 people to someone who had a PA if i had to have a meal with 2 or 3 business associates. I thought about options and frankly knew that my health was more important than anything and also that i would never recover my confidence in that environment - so i negotiated an exit and left - what i found was that much less demanding jobs still have the need to do the things i now found too hard - i had some CBT and took some prozac - i got back 90% of my poise / got a job and things have been pretty good since. I have bad periods and am in the middle of one now - where the anxiety leads to unbelievable tiredness and worry. I too have flirted with self employment and have concluded i will struggle to "sell" although the competency is within me - the thought that i might say have to work in lots of different places is both a worry and a positive - but if i have a bad PA in a client situation and blow it - what then?
So - like you i feel at a crossroads - unfortunately my wife is definately in the "pull yourself together" camp and that compounds it - i just can't discuss it - i feel "ill" but don't want to go sick as i don't know what the implications on both career and home life will be if i give in to it.

I am sorry i could not paint a picture that says - i used to be like you / i did this and look how i am now - but would i be registered on this site if that was the case?

But - i am more accepting of it now / i don't run away too much / i do plan to make situations more bearable and if push came to shove - i know what my priorities are.

Good luck and keep in touch
OldChris

[Jon06121974]

hey guys thanks for your stories it helps to hear other are facing the same problems.

In regards to my job ive accepted that i only have a few weeks left as my boss is such a patronising XXXX and has never heard of listening to people just get on their back and make an already difficult situation worse. Its funny 5 months ago i did the two week induction course and was told i would fly in my role and that i was the best prospect they had seen in years!!!!???? well im the same person and working just as hard but not had the luck with certain sales. I sell online recruitment and i seem to have come into this job at the most god awful time with financial problems in all my clients and recruitment freezes! But my boss says theres no credit crunch!!! wonder if he ever turns his T.V on. Personnaly if they had given me 3 months to get on with the job instead of putting stupid pressures on me and trying to change me i wouldnt be having these issues now. Ive just come off the phone to one of our major competitors who has invited me in for a chat beginning of november so im a little happier that theres a back up in place.

For the first time in months i got off my ass last night and went for a run for around 20 mins. im not overweight and love sport but nearly killed myself with all these hills down here in devon. i was shattered last night but ill tell you something i fell a little better today for it so me and the wife are going for a run tonight round a local football pitch while my son and daughter are at their clubs.

As for my own business im building a database and making a few initial intros to local businesses to test the water, i suppose if i get some interest it will help my confidence and maybe it will grow from there!

I think the hardest thing is that depression is so unpredictable, one day can be ok the next awful for no apparent reason. a few good days and you think youve cracked it the next day you wake up heavy and with no drive, my wife is excellent but the one thing she finds hard to understand is that when your real low theres nothing you can do to drag yourself out of it!