Accepting Anxiety ...???

[minihaha]

hello everyone. My story is i have always been a bit of a "highly strung" person, volatile moods etc. Four years ago i experienced panic attacks for the very first time and anxiety disorder on quite an extreme level and this led me to being signed off work for 11 weeks in 2004. During my absence from work, i took all the support and advice offered to me by my GP and Occupational Health Unit and i also saw a counsellor. I was also on a very low doseage of citalopram for about 6 months. I returned to work after my 11 wk absence and have coped pretty well for the last 4 years. I do find that each day there is a small battle with myself and my inner anxiety and normally i win, by that i mean i can talk myself round, calm myself down and generally get on with the job in hand. its not been easy by any means but its not been unbearable either. I guess i just became used to anxiety controlling my life to a certain extent and hindering my quality of life.........in that i feel i can never commit to events or trips or nights outs bcos i never "know how i will feel" i know anyone reading this will understand exactly what i mean.

So until now things seemed under control, ok i had to work hard at it but i was getting there, putting into place all the survival tactics i had exercised, all the relaxation techniques i had learned etc etc..........until last wkend out of the blue whilst driving on the motorway panic seized me, felt my throat constricting, in absoulute fear of my life and i honestly felt my only way out was driving my car into the central reservation, i couldnt cope with the rush or traffic on either side of me and i just felt so scared and i felt my control slipping through my fingers. I had to leave the motorway at the next exit and sit in a service station for over 3 hours until my husband could come and meet me and take me home. With hindsight i realise it was a panic attack and i was not going off my head............ My worry now is that i am always going to be prone to these little "episodes" of anxiety, out of the blue - i could be fine for days , weeks and months and the suddenly without warning i am in panic mode. I have a happy marriage, good career and no obvious worries, i see my counsellor once a fortnight, i take regular physical exercise and make sure i have my "me time" after a heavy week at work. I am terrified that no matter what i do to combat this panic, it will always be there, crouching on the sidelines and will just grab me without warning. We are hoping to start a family soon (we have fertility probs so that might be what is causing this) but i just hate that no matter what i do or whatever investment i work at to work against this panic , it still gets me when i least expect it.

I feel 10% times better just to write that down xxxxxxxxxx

[Cathy V]

Hi Mini....and the clue for me here is that "you have had to work hard at this" which means youve never completely relaxed, which means the anx is always just below the surface....ready to get you! and while its only ever just this far away you it will always get you! You have been very brave and very determined to ignore anxiety and its effects, but the very nature of all this hard work and concentration means that you have been trying to fool yourself into thinking it wasnt really around, but its been there always...just waiting.

To recover you have to accept it and not fight it. Welcome to nmp xxx

[minihaha]

Cathy, thanks so much for your reply. I guess when i entitled my thread "accepting anxiety" i knew deep down that i wasnt accepting mine............ i dont know where to go from here if im honest. I guess i always felt there should be a reason for feelign this way, ie something in my past or present that was causing these feelings. I guess like many ppl, i see things in black or white. I have done the counselling etc (lol, my counsellor said i was a joy to work with.........not sure if thats a compliment or not !!) i have scolded myslef so many times and said oh get on with it its just life, everybody has a hard time and they get on with it. I just feel i am living on a knife edge, waiting on the next panic attack. Any suggestions as to how i move forward....any advice woudl be much appreciated x

[caz303]

Hi ... I'm much the same but not been suffering so long as you so still learning. I have several weeks where I feel fine (still on several meds tho!) and then completely out of the blue, like yesterday, the anxiety comes back (stomach churning for me!) for no apparent reason and I think 'hey, I thought I had this conquered, what's going on' :shrug: but I'm trying hard to accept it for what it is ... not easy is it but I know it's got to be done :)

[Ddcoo]

Hi Mini. I have had anxiety on and off for 45 years and am still here and in fact am starting a new counselling session tomorrow, but I find that the Claire Weekes books are very good - she tea ches you acceptance of anxiety and panic attacks, I have read on this site of a lot of people who are very impressed with her books and find them very helpful. I am pretty new to the site but am sure I have seen that they can be bought from nmp, so it maybe worth trying them. It is very easy to say "accept the anxiety" but very hard to actually do it, so I wish you strength and wisdom to overcome the problem. Personally, I find this site the most helpful thing that I have ever found in my life, everyone is so kind and supportive and just by reading the threads gives me a lot of insight. Love Di.

[keepemlaughing]

Hey Mini,
Sorry to hear you are feeling unsure about everything. The fact you are having trouble conceiving could have your hormones in a complete uproar. There is every possibility that was a one time attack. Driving can be a real pain, but it is a necessity for me. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Blessings,
Sheryl

[Liverbird67]

Sending you a big hug hun, you seem to have been doing really well.

Lots of Love

Debbie
XXXXXXXXXXXX

[mlondon]

Hi

I have had similar experiences. Until a few weeks ago I was having small regular panic attacks, almost on a daily basis but I could handle it. I just told myself this is anxiety and panic and I can handle it. Then my world turned upside down when my boyfriend broke up with me, we were living together so I lost my home as well. I am in a total state of anxiety and panic and think will this ever go away?

[minihaha]

thanks for all your replies, its much appreciated xxxx i have taken the decision to have a couple of days off work and allow myself to rest instead of feeling i have to be superwoman and push myself. If by the time i go back to work on monday, i still dont feel any better, then i will book an appt with GP. Today i went for a swim and a long bracing walk on the beach afterwards and i felt the anxiety of the last few days slipping away. I dont really want to go back on meds but if thats what it takes then so be it. If anything my latest panic attack whilst driving and getting my feelings out on here last night just reminds me how scary panic attacks are, whether its your first or your 500th..........that blind panic and fear that you feel is just the worst - it makes me feel paralysed and rooted to the spot. I dont really want to be off work too long as i know from experience that my boss is not the best at supporting employees when they are off work and you tend to end up drifting in the system and before you know it you could be off 3 weeks with no contact and then it becomes so hard to get back into it - that really scares me, although i have enjoyed the removal of work pressure today and knowing that i am not going in tomorrow makes me feel better aswell, i dont want to be signed off long term and thankfully right now i dont think i need to be. I just need to revisit a lot of my coping strategies and all the stuff i have worked with my counsellor with these last few years. I do worry that i have gone beyond anxiety if that makes sense, and now i am suffering depression (we have been trying for a family for several years and this has taken its toll, thankfully i have a very supportive hubby but the sadness of the situation is really desparate as i am now 36 and really dont ever see myself having the child i have longed for for over 9 years now) We are hoping to start treatment soon but the expectations and turmoil of that really do send my emotions haywire.

Anyway, thanks again everyone, i will keep you posted of how i am doing.

K xxxxx