View Full Version : Chilhood backgrounds
Hi everyone,
As a relatively new GAD sufferer, I've been spedning a lot of time trying to find the root of my problems with anxiety. My psychologist says that my childhood probably plays a key role in this...I grew up in a household with an alcoholic father who physically and emotionally abused my Mom, and emotional abused us kids. So now I'm curious how common these factors are to anxiety sufferers, so I'm starting a poll to find out. Please respond if you feel comfortable, this is just to satisfy my own curiosity!
LisaD
I'm quite curious about this myself..:D
Hi Lisa
I suffer from depression and social phobia, among other things. The last therapist I saw linked a lot of my current problems back to my childhood.
When I was growing up my mum was emotionally distant from me and has continually rejected and pushed me away. I also had and still have a difficult relationship with my dad, as he is very controlling and puts me down constantly. My therapist said I had experienced emotional abuse which I found quite hard to believe or come to terms with at first.
However, I can now recognise that this is where my issues stem from, even though I am responsible for not doing anything about these problems in my adult life and simply repeating the same unhelpful patterns that maintain the depression and anxiety. The difficulties in my relationships with my parents have also caused the problems I have now with low self-esteem, the huge insecurity I have in any of my relationships with people and rejection fears.
I think there can be a great number of different reasons why people develop emotional problems like depression, anxiety and panic. Past experiences and a difficult childhood is one reason, although I don't believe it is the only one and some people with happy childhoods also go on to develop these problems for other reasons.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi there, i did do the poll earlier didn't realize that i had to reply, does that surprise anyone? My upbringing was fantastic, no alcohol, no abuse, nothing other than love care and tenderness, my panics started initially after my mum died, and i gave birth all in the same day, didn't know at the time about panics etc. so was terrified i was going to die the same way as mum! this was sixteen years ago, and i always say if i knew then what i know now, it wouldn't have escalated to this level. have had many good years in between, then 3 years ago, my dad died, very unexpected, and i found him, so i think that set me off again, i have always tried to carry on 'for the childrens sake' and have put my needs to one side, but now the kids are older, maybe i have time to sit back and realize what has happened and why, gosh, now you know eh? a simple yes or no would have done, but you know by now, you should never ask me a simple question!
Hi Lisa D
Horrid childhood here, nutcase of a mother meant suffering years of physical abuse and well as the usual that went along with any parent like that.
However i don't think that had a great deal to do with my current anxiety
I haven't had any contact with any of my family for years and my panic attacks started a few years after i left home.
So hmmmm don't know if that helps.
Maxine
Sorry to hear that Max, I deeply sympathise.
I haven't had a happy childhood myself, I didnt live with either of my parents, left in a children's home when I was 4, so I guess it could be the root of my insecurity.
My mother is a nutcase too and has tortured me mentally for a long time with lies and a nasty behaviour, and I still have the strength to forgive her.
I 've been abused physically too but not by family, and I don't want to give any details.
So I guess all this accumulation of things could be triggers of my anxiety/fears.
That's it ...for now.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
My childhood was fine too,
My mum died when i was three so was bought up by dad whome i adored he gave me everything i ever needed love affection and made sure i was never left out of anything that the other kids had with their 2 parents so no abuse or anything like that in my childhood.
BUT i did marry a nutcase who thought nothing of beating me senseless day and night pysicaly and mentaly, i know for sure he caused my very first panic attack and i can recall every detail of that night graphicly, so i'm sure there is a link in some cases and in others they can literaly come from nothing.
I'm divorced now but it took me 10 years to escape and even now 6 years on i still look over my shoulder.
Take care love sharon xxxxx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">florence Posted - 28 May 2005 : 22:13:35
Sorry to hear that Max, I deeply sympathise.
I haven't had a happy childhood myself, I didnt live with either of my parents, left in a children's home when I was 4, so I guess it could be the root of my insecurity.
My mother is a nutcase too and has tortured me mentally for a long time with lies and a nasty behaviour, and I still have the strength to forgive her.
I 've been abused physically too but not by family, and I don't want to give any details.
So I guess all this accumulation of things could be triggers of my anxiety/fears.
That's it ...for now.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You're a far stronger person that me to forgive her, i will never forgive that f**king woman for what she done to me but hey i'm just bitter!
hi Lisa,
my parents did like a drink (my dad was director of a large off license!) but not alcoholics.
They had a very argumentative relationship and got divorced as my dad had an affair with my mums best friend.
they did get remarried 3 yrs later and things were a lot calmer but i do remember falling asleep to their arguing many a night.
my dad got alzheimers quite young which i found incredibly hard to live with and he died when i was 21. I suffer now with insecurity in a pretty big way and i always expect the worse to happen to me.
I am sure something in my childhood has a lot to do with the way I am now, its interesting that my sister lived somewhere else from when i was 13 and leads a very happy non-anxious life! there again it could jsut be in our genes? who knows.
very interesting.
Lisa S
xxx
Hi Max
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You're a far stronger person that me to forgive her, i will never forgive that f**king woman for what she done to me but hey i'm just bitter! </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It's very understandable, you have the right to be. I am sure you've been thru worst than me (on the mother side). There have been a period of 2 years when I didnt speak to her ( 1998-2000) but then she insisted and begged me to forgive her, and I gave in. Maybe I am just too stupid.
Take care.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Definately not stupid, Flo.
People deal with various events in their lives in different ways.
Kate x
There was a distinct lack of love in my home due to my parents constant rows - fortunately I was never abused at least.
When I turned 11, I begun to suffer from epilepsy and this really freaked me out, took away all my self-esteem and made me isolated throughout my formative years. I was just so annoyed with myself that I could not do the things like the rest of my peers.
Now all those years and decades of frustration, all bottled up inside me are getting their own back through Anxiety.
It is quite common for these childhood problems to lay dormant in your mind and, many years later they can come back at you.
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Thanks for your kind words Kate. xx
Sorry to hear you had epilepsy Ray and about the rest. xx
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hiya Flo
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It's very understandable, you have the right to be. I am sure you've been thru worst than me (on the mother side). There have been a period of 2 years when I didnt speak to her ( 1998-2000) but then she insisted and begged me to forgive her, and I gave in. Maybe I am just too stupid.
Take care.
Florence.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You are certainly not stupid, for me it's been 5 years this month since i've had any contact with either of them so the desire to have contact with her went a long time ago, it's great you managed to make up with your mother.
Unfortunatly i don't have that oppertunity my mother is sick in the head and always will be, once that trust is gone you can never get it back .
My childhood sucked as my home life was chaotic at best.
Hi Lisa
It was my childhood that i can blame on how i feel, but i can see that now and all i need to do is accept it as will never understand it.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hiya Max, thanks for your kind reply.
My mum is sick in the head too ( not long ago, she threw her dog out of the window 2nd floor, and I was really upset about it ), unfortunately, can't choose family right?
Difficult to trust that sort of person indeed, actually she has lost my trust . I made the choice of keeping in touch with her for my own benefit ( sounds selfish I know ), because I realised that hatred feeds my anxiety and if I could take some away, I could feel better in myself....However I will never forget the suffering.
Regards.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hi Florence
I understand you completely, no we will never forget but also we will never understand. Hard as it is we arent them and i know we might suffer now, but we should be grateful we arent them.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hiya Sal
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">but we should be grateful we arent them.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yeah, being "me" is not always fabulous lol, but yes I am grateful that I am not her, for sure.
Take care.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hi Florence
Just like me i am grateful i am not my mother either. Hard lesson to learn but it has taught me in some ways, but i am sure they could have done it better. Cant choose them though can we and as long as we dont mess up like them, we should be thankful.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hiya
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Cant choose them though can we and as long as we dont mess up like them, we should be thankful.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Definitely !!!
Take care. :)
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hi Florence
Hope it has helped you.
We cant be them as otherwise we would have accepted how they behaved. Even if we forgive like i have, we cant forget and that will always be with us and make us a lot stronger than we realise.
Mistakes have being made but remind yourself like me that it isnt us making them.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hiya
Awwww bless, thanks for the reply, you're genuinely a very nice lady .
Simon has definitely picked the right lady !!!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Even if we forgive like i have, we cant forget and that will always be with us and make us a lot stronger than we realise.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yeah, you're defo right.
Florence.x
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Thank you so much Florence.
I look back and cringe but i am not them and they are not me, so that allows us to be who we should be. Im not perfect and have problems but i can see them, they couldnt just like yours couldnt.
We recognise a problem they saw it as it was part of them and had no judgement over it.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks for understanding. I am off to bed now, catch you soon.
Take care.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
Hi Florence
I understand as i have being through it. You have sweet dreams and dont forget we can only be better than them and although we have learnt the hard way, we have learnt.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Di Jackson
31-05-05, 16:25
So sorry for all of you who had abusive childhoods, emotionally or physically.
Like Karen, I had a happy childhood. During my first pregnancy my Mum became terminally ill and died when my daughter was 18 months old. Dad died suddenly. Then my sister died suddenly when my son was 7 weeks old.
I expect there is a big group of us who's anxiety is related to loss, perhaps worth including in poll?
Wonder also how much anxiety is linked to becoming a parent and/or postnatal depression?
Di
Hi Di,
You have brought up a very valid point...I am 26 years old, and am dying to have a baby, but am terrified of it as I fear the hormones/stress may cause a relapse. Would be curious to hear other's experiences with this as well!
Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Like Karen, I had a happy childhood.<div align="right">Originally posted by Di Jackson - 31 May 2005 : 16:25:01</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I didn't have a happy childhood.
Di Jackson
31-05-05, 20:46
Karen - sorry. I'd got the names mixed up from Carlin's post after yours. Do hope you will accept my apologies.
Hi Di
I agree with you starting a family can cause it and also it is very common when you lose people that are close to you. We dont all suffer for the same reasons and our losses are all different to each others. But common ground is how we feel and can help each other.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
No need to apologise Di.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
We all know your childhood wasnt good and she made a mistake.
Just hope we can help you through this hun.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I know my childhood left me with little self esteem.My father disappeared a week before I was born and has since died. I never met him.My mother was a neurotic mess who remarried a violent drunk.Many's the time I put the pillow over my head to block out the rows I knew would end in violence. It was scary.
Hi Jon1
Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear that, it must have been very tough on you. I hope you will find this site helpful.
Take care.
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
eeyorelover
21-06-05, 06:36
ok well, my Father was never around (left when I was 2) my Mom was busy doing whatever and left me and my sister with my Grandparents then came back 7 years later and took me and my sister with her. Had my 2 brothers which I had to take care of cuz she was drinking and other stuff. She had a lot of men in and out of the house and some were kind of scary so I had a lock on the inside of my bedroom door. Now she denies any of it happened and doesn't even tell anyone she has a daughter.
hi lisa,
i also feel like i can relate with u a little in terms of childhood situatuions.
There have been issues with alcohol in my family which to this day still goes unspoken about which i guess doesnt really help things.
My relationship with my mum has been quite turbulent leading up to the start of my panics, and my dad has never really played an active role in my life.
I have a lot of insecurities reguarding relationships. i lost a number people i cared about wen i was younger and have developed a fear of being alone or rejected.
Ive just discovered this site, and i think its cool that people can talk to other people that understand what they are going thru.
As sad as it is to hear about other peoples problems and torments, I think its a good thing to take comfort from, the fact that you're not alone, and there are other who are goin thru similar things.
HI THERE
MY DOCTORS THINK THAT MY PANICS STARTED BECAUSE I STARTED HAVING BAD MEMORIES OF MY CHILDHOOD WHICH WAS OF SEXUAL ABUSE SINCE I WAS ABOUT 3 TILL I WAS ABOUT 11 YRS OLD, WHICH WAS DONE BY MY STEP GRANDFATHER. I REALLY DIDNT THINK THAT MEMORIES COULD BRING ON THESE ATTACKS BUT HAVE SINCE BEEN WORKING OVER MY ABUSE WITH MY COUNCELLOR AND AM MUCH BETTER NOW.
rosa
Feel so bad for some of you, the things you suffered as kids.
Me - well my Mum died when I was 18 months old, my older sister and I were legally adopted by our aunt and uncle. We called them Mum and Dad and were within our own family, I did fear my 'real' Father (who was still alive and had objected to our adoption) would come and take us away. I don't know if that affected me long term, I don't think so as I was only a baby and I don't recall any of this. I only know because I was told at a young age that I was adopted.
I only recall a wonderful childhood - with a Mum who was strict but loved the bones of us and a Dad who was and still is simply the best guy in the world (besides my lovely hubby :D).
I often wish I could go back to my childhood actually, even just for a day.
I was bullied at school just mentally not physiscally.
I also grew up with my mum and her boyfriend (the a*** h***). He used to beat my mum up. I always remember the one night I was about 7years old and he was beating her up and had pulled the phone out of the wall so I couldn't phone the police. My sister was staying at a friends (she's 10 years older) so I ran down the stairs and down the road to the local park where there was a phone box and phoned her and then the police. When I got home he was packing a bag and leaving and when the police arrived my mum decided not to press charges!!:(. There was many more occations after that but that is my earliest memory of witnessing violence.
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Like Di, I had a wonderful childhood I now realise that my anxiety was brought on by firstly, post-natal depression after my first child and secondly the death of my dear mother when I was the one who had to be strong for my father and brother.
Elaine x
My childhood was a happy. Mum and Dad rowed but nothing major.
I did think though my Mum loved my brother more and the only way to get noticed was to say I felt sick etc.
My therepist put a number of things down to childhood though.
with good wishes
Zena
mama23girls
30-07-05, 14:41
Drug addicted parents here witnessed lots of physical abuse. Also alot of instability and suffered from sexual abuse. i DIDN'T HAVE PANIC UNTIL AFTER MY 1ST DAUGHTER WAS BORN BUT i WAS ALWAYS "UPTIGHT"
Jessica
Mama to
Rain
Celeste
Riley Mei
I don't think it always has to come from childhood.
I know mine came from occupational stress - some self induced mind you ! , several bereavements close together and sheer life overload.
I was old enough to know better and people did say to me that I was running on fumes and I would laugh and say I was absolutely fine - which I was - totally- until the day I wasn't.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Sue K with 5
15-08-05, 15:01
Hi
my attacks were brought on because a a tramatic hcildhood and an abusive marriage, so it is so hard to predict which one actually started it.
I think we all react differantly, the attacks are a form of protection letting us know e cant cope.
so to try and understand them is not always that easy ! I was very badly bullied as a child and I do now believe this triggered my agoraphobia, because I was scared of going outside in case someone saw me!
I used to run everywhere as a child for fear of being beaten up.
Good luck with your research
sue with 5
scknight
michelleann
15-08-05, 18:49
hi all
my childhood was years of felling unloved, my mum and dad divorced whan i was a baby and mum remarried twice and had loads of affairs i remember always feeling like she always put the fellas before her kids something i would never do and my partner knows it, i think it contributed to my anxiety as i felt so alone.
take care everyone
michelle xxx
Hi Lisa
I too have been trying to work out where the anxiety has stemmed from. Had a really good upbringing - was really lucky, but I did see my parents suffer because my brother died when he was 3 years old and I was only 4 - He was my best friend.
Maybe it hit me harder than I thought :(
Anyway, Good luck with your poll...
Take care Lisa - Lots of luv
Curly xx
Hi
My parents divored when I was two, my mum remarried and I suffered emotional abuse from her and her husband and my dad. My dad died when I 12. At 13 I was physically and emotionally abused by a relative, who was my carer, who was an alcoholic.
Interestingly I feel the stuff that created the anxiety in me was the more subtle, insidious kind of abuse that just leads you to have very little self confidence and not to be able feel that there is a distinct boundary between you and the world. The constant criticism and overexamination of things you say and do. The feeling that you are powerless to stop the influx of the world from overwhelming you.
Hope this helps.
Kinkajou
I can't blame any of my problems on my parents (apart that one had to die so young). They were both so supportive for my sister and me, my Dad still is.
I think that's what makes me feel so guilty about why I feeling like this, I really shouldn't.
LooksLikeRain
27-11-05, 09:38
I voted all of the above.. cause I dealt with all of that. My past has made me the person I am today... sensitive, emotional..
We Don't Have To Live In Fear No More
Hi everyone - I'd say that the reasons why I suffer from severe anxiety and depression at times are partly genetic and partly due to nurture. On my mother's side of the family, there's a history of creative, emotional and highly-strung people. People like us tend to experience everything, both negative AND positive emotions far more intensely than the average person. As for my upbringing, my mother was everything that she should have been and had nothing but a beneficial effect on my personality and moods. My father, well, he has a good heart but possesses no emotional intelligence whatsoever. From as long as I can remember, I've suffered mental abuse from him which has greatly diminished my sense of wellbeing. It's a cliche, but kids at school can be very cruel too. From when I started school, I was a bit on the chubby side the other chidlren never let me forget it. No actual physical abuse ever took place - but emotional abuse - absolutely... I desperately want to overcome these latest round of panci attacks - but I can't really say that i would have changed anything that's happened in my life. I'm happy to be me and I wouldn't have wantedd to turn out differently, except for the panic and depression!
My mother is a chronic alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember.
Hi,
i was bullied at school for a while which made me a bit introverted and i have not really changed.
There have been good times when i've been a really strong person but there is always a bit of me that is childlike when i look at people and how they behave that is confusing.
Maybe i've always been like that(or aspergers):) .
prism
Mum and dad divorced when i was young.
Step-father, not the greatest. Very turbulant upbringing. He was VERY controlling.
Sister hated me.
Father didn't want to know.
Beaten by step-father.
Bullied severely at school from 12-15
Eating disorder started at 12...
Found my grandmother dead in my house while she was looking after me at 11.
hi there,
I have thought a lot about this recently. My father is I believe alcohol dependent or what you might call a functional alcoholic, 6 to 8 cans of beer every night (opens can as soon as he gets in from work) though still holds down job, never appears really drunk etc etc.
He is also a manic depressive (refuses to get treatment) he would have very dark moods which went on for months and whilst he was never violent he was a dark frightening presence in the house and would shout and scream daily, threaten suicide and rant and rave.
My mother in her wisdom to give herself the space she needed worked away from home or most of my teeanage years. meaning she was away at least three nights a week.
I tried desperately to please my father, though invariably received a barage of abuse nightly - I worried about him incessantly and took on the burden of protecting my younger sister and trying to hold the family together (including housework, cooking etc), I never wanted to rock the boat by revealing any of my own problems. I was so worried my parents would split us I just always tried to keep the peace.
I have no doubt that this exerience has caused my disorder, my earlier personal alcohol abuse and the general feelings I have of being responsible for everyone and everything.
I battled through all of this and made a very successful life for myself though everything came crashing in about three years ago and the panic attacks started and OCD etc became considerably increased.
Typically (I think for girls) I blame my mother for abandoning me to deal with this on my own (she thought I was strong because I felt I had to pretend to be) and I am really struggling to get past this at the moment (I don't know why I don't blame my dad but I guess I see him as vunerable.) She was once someone I admired enormously however I am full of bitterness towards her now. This doesn't help either me or her (she has no idea I feel this way) and I am thinking of having councilling so I can try and get past it and so we can have a good relationship moving forward.
Whilst part of me really wants to confront her and get all the blame out in the open, this would be devastating for her and I would struggle to live with the guilt so I really just need to move on.
I am very interested to read the comments about being bullied at school, I was also bullied at school at a similar age - 11 to 13 years, I was ostracised by the whole class and this went on for a couple of years. Has there been any studies on this, it definately seems to be a common thread here!
Perhaps we should have a poll on this!!
Interested by the poll results - perhaps I would have turned out like this anyway lol :)
For me - all of the above.. sadly.
Nope, none of the above!
As you may or may not know, my problems started two and a half years ago after a very traumatic operation. I just wish i could turn back the hands of time and say no to the operation, if only hey? But then again i bet a lot of us wish we could turn back time.xx
Alcoholic mother while growing up and the old man couldn't cope so handy with fists and worked away a lot, but it's nothing to do with my anxiety, it didn't kick in till I was 30.
Who knows what causes it.
Jaco
My dad used to beat my mum up when i was about 3 and it went on for quite sometime until they got divorced.
My 2 aunties died within 4 months of each other when i was 11.
I was bullied at school from 11-15.
Hi Lisa, my childhood was not great, my mother wanted boys and she had a girl (me) as her first born. I was not a pretty child and used to be told this on a regular basis. My father who I adored and still adore let it happen (I only recognised this fact two years ago). Since I have been ill my mother has been really supportive (for about 18 months) and now wants to kiss me hello and goodbye, something that does not sit comfortable with me. She sometime appears to enjoy my illness and tries to mother me??? This does confuse the relationship but hey it beats putting me down all the time and I have begun to like her probably for the first time in my life.
Maria x
All of the above.
Was born 2 months premature after nearly dying. Then was isolated apart from mum for weeks.
That was the start.
Father was emotionally abusive, and occasionally physically, to both mum and I.
I therefore also witnessed numerous episodes of domestic violebce. There were rows practically every day.
I was also bullied [mobbed, really] every day at school by a group of 20+ girls, my peers, from when I was 7 to 17.
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