Am I being cruel or am I just crazy?

[davidthegnome]

Hi everyone... it's been a long while since I posted here. I'm dealing with so much anxiety right now I don't know what to do with myself.

My family has been planning to go to a wedding - my cousin's, for months now. Everyone in my immediate, and most everyone in my extended family is going. I figured I'd go, right up until today when I had a nervous breakdown. My Father stormed out of the house in a fury, and mom wasn't much happier.

I just can't handle it... everyone there will have something to talk about. Their jobs, college, their lives and girlfriends or spouses or friends or... well, anything. I don't have anything like that to talk about - I haven't even seen my son in years, and I knew the first questions they'd ask, which is why it's fortunate the family almost never tries to get together.

They'd ask me what I was up to with my life, how my son was. I wouldn't really know how to answer other than to tell the truth. Can't find work, can't afford school, up to my neck in medical debt, I live at home with mom and dad and take medication that makes me feel like a zombie most of the time. I'm 24 years old and have absolutely no life and no accomplishments to speak of. I'm both ashamed and embarassed. I can't face that.

I kept picturing in my head, the questions they would ask, and what I would say, and how it would all feel when they gave me their condescending smiles and a halfhearted "things will get better, good luck." Or worse, pity me, or my parents for having a son like me. Better if I don't go.

My father and I argued about it, he yelled at me a bit, and I tried to explain how I felt, but he wasn't interested in listening. He told me my grandmother will be dead soon, 82 years old, and I should see her every chance I get. It's not that I don't want to see her, it's that I can't stand the thought of being crowded by so many people, especially people who know me.

He told me how disappointed he was and left the house, I must have stood watching for a good ten minutes after the car pulled out of the driveway. Now I'm home alone... in my "comfort zone", my bedroom. At first I was furious, I don't even know at what, I kicked a chair, did more damage to my foot than the chair. Yelled at the dogs for no reason, and threw my sunglasses at the wall, broke them.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish my biological, chemical, psychological makeup or whatever was different so I could be like everyone else. Now I'm just severely depressed and still so anxious. There's no one for me to talk to. I have no friends and my family won't be in the mood for speaking with me just now, even on the phone.

Advice... comments, anyone have any thoughts or any suggestions please? I'm going to go beat myself up some more... and I know it's bad for me, but at the moment I deserve it richly.


Dave

[Dazza]

Hi Dave,

Really sorry to hear how you are feeling at the moment. I can feel the distress in your words.

My only advice to you, is to be true to yourself. If you really feel that you cannnot go ahead and go, then you should not be forced into doing it. but on the flip side (being devil's advocate here), by going, you might discover that the experience of being at the wedding might not be as dreadful as you think it will be. Often the fear is worse than the reality.

It sounds like you have very low self esteem at the moment, so i think that you might want to start working on that side of your difficulties first. Once you start accepting yourself for who you are, without comparing yourself to other people or what you perceive it is that people expect from you as the social norm, then I think that you will start to feel better, and then other positive life changes will be able to take place.

I can only speak from my experience. When I was a teenager, I had huge problems coming to terms with my sexuality. Then, once I had accepted myself, I managed to get out more, and not worry about what people think about me. At the end of the day, if people want to think bad things about you because of your life circumstances, you have to remember one important thing: IT'S THEIR PROBLEM is they want to think that way. I know it's easier said than done, but by learning to love and accept yourself, things will start to feel better. Honest.

Anyway, Welcome to NMP Dave. You will get lots of useful info, advice and support here. :hugs:

Darren

* A journey of a thousand miles, starts with a single footstop * :)

* The only constant in life is change *

[davidthegnome]

Thank you Darren. I'm actually kind of an old timer here, just haven't come to visit in ages. Mainly because I felt that I was getting so much support and was unable to give any in return.

Self esteem is definitely an issue for me, and logically everything that you say about that makes sense. If I could combine that logical part of me with my emotional side, it would make life much better I think. I just seem unable to stop feeling so rotten about myself. I torture myself pretty much daily with my flaws, the shame I make myself live with is awful.

A lot of those things in my former post, they're really my insecurities and maybe people wouldn't be as condescending, or as pitying as I would think. Then again, maybe they would. Though I understand that the biggest problem is the way I see myself.

I have spent years looking for work, with no standards what so ever. I've applied to nearly every place of business within a 50 mile radius. Employers seem unwilling to hire me - which now, at least in part, is because I'm 24 without work history. I had a son very young, and took care of him for years before my relationship with his mother ended.

It's really hard for me to be optimistic, because I see myself remaining this way with no hope of improvement, or self reliance. I know people have it worse than I do - but my cross to bare has lately become unbearable.

I hope that eventually I can stop thinking inside the box I've been thinking in for so many years and disregard societal norms and what others may think of me. Right now things just seem pretty hopeless.

My little sister just called me and tried to convince me to go to the wedding, offered me a ride. I explained to her why I couldn't go, and fortunately she seems to be the only one in the family that understands. I feel a little better about that, at least.

Thank you for your kind words.


Dave