Richd
03-10-08, 20:03
I'm really really scared right now.
For a years I've suffered from depression and panic, I told my doctor 4 years ago when they started, and he put me on citalopram. I came off it once, but went back on it after a couple of months, but came off it again in April of this year. For a few months I felt ok, had the odd few thoughts but got over them pretty quickly.
But, about a month ago now, during a two week long holiday from work, I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced. I went immediately to my doctor, he offered me antidepressants again, which I declined this time, and also offered me CBT, which I accepted, and beta blockers.
At that point I thought it was mainly panic that was bothering me now, but then a week later, after I'd been away for the weekend visiting my brother, I broke down crying in front of my Mum, for no immediate reason. From here on I felt more and more despairing.
I find it hard to say what brings on my panic, as a lot of the time it is for abstract reasons rather than situations I find myself in, I keep getting these thoughts that things aren't real, that it is peculiar the way I am looking out at the world, that I don't feel familiar with my surroundings, the very place I have lived my whole life,as if I am a stranger to this world.
I understand that a lot of the time these feelings are borne as a way of divorcing yourself from your real problems, which I have a lot of as well, I failed my final year of uni 4 years ago and didn't retake it, meaning I can't afford to study again, I hate the job I have, I haven't had a relationship or intimate contact with a girl for a long time, but right now these thoughts I have, which I feel I can't physically beat, are overpowering all of it.
And another strange thing, I can wake up in the morning and feel fine, go to work and feel a bit nervous at times, a bit panicky, but fine, but then as the day goes on, around 4 or 5 o clock, I get a panic so strong, I maybe have to take myself away to the toilets to sit on my own for a few minutes, and the panic lasts when I get home, where I cant do much apart from watch tv very fidgety, and maybe fall asleep.
I find it so hard to explain what it's like. I've been reading a lot online about it, and am starting to understand it more, but I am still unable to control it, the strange thoughts and uneasy feelings about the world I get, and the panic at the end of the day.
My CBT is taking ages to start also, I haven't heard from them since a week ago, when I filled in a questionaire they sent me.
I was just wondering, anyway, if anyone else can relate to these feelings I've been having, like uneasiness about the world, the feeling like a stranger in the place I've lived in my whole life, the distance I feel from my parents, who I really really love so dearly, and if anyone can give me some tips on how to get through this.
There have been times, at my very worst, where I've thought about ending it all, when the world feels so alien to me, and I feel like I will never feel like the person I was before ever again.
Richard x
For a years I've suffered from depression and panic, I told my doctor 4 years ago when they started, and he put me on citalopram. I came off it once, but went back on it after a couple of months, but came off it again in April of this year. For a few months I felt ok, had the odd few thoughts but got over them pretty quickly.
But, about a month ago now, during a two week long holiday from work, I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced. I went immediately to my doctor, he offered me antidepressants again, which I declined this time, and also offered me CBT, which I accepted, and beta blockers.
At that point I thought it was mainly panic that was bothering me now, but then a week later, after I'd been away for the weekend visiting my brother, I broke down crying in front of my Mum, for no immediate reason. From here on I felt more and more despairing.
I find it hard to say what brings on my panic, as a lot of the time it is for abstract reasons rather than situations I find myself in, I keep getting these thoughts that things aren't real, that it is peculiar the way I am looking out at the world, that I don't feel familiar with my surroundings, the very place I have lived my whole life,as if I am a stranger to this world.
I understand that a lot of the time these feelings are borne as a way of divorcing yourself from your real problems, which I have a lot of as well, I failed my final year of uni 4 years ago and didn't retake it, meaning I can't afford to study again, I hate the job I have, I haven't had a relationship or intimate contact with a girl for a long time, but right now these thoughts I have, which I feel I can't physically beat, are overpowering all of it.
And another strange thing, I can wake up in the morning and feel fine, go to work and feel a bit nervous at times, a bit panicky, but fine, but then as the day goes on, around 4 or 5 o clock, I get a panic so strong, I maybe have to take myself away to the toilets to sit on my own for a few minutes, and the panic lasts when I get home, where I cant do much apart from watch tv very fidgety, and maybe fall asleep.
I find it so hard to explain what it's like. I've been reading a lot online about it, and am starting to understand it more, but I am still unable to control it, the strange thoughts and uneasy feelings about the world I get, and the panic at the end of the day.
My CBT is taking ages to start also, I haven't heard from them since a week ago, when I filled in a questionaire they sent me.
I was just wondering, anyway, if anyone else can relate to these feelings I've been having, like uneasiness about the world, the feeling like a stranger in the place I've lived in my whole life, the distance I feel from my parents, who I really really love so dearly, and if anyone can give me some tips on how to get through this.
There have been times, at my very worst, where I've thought about ending it all, when the world feels so alien to me, and I feel like I will never feel like the person I was before ever again.
Richard x