Near constant anxiety feeling

[Richd]

I'm really really scared right now.

For a years I've suffered from depression and panic, I told my doctor 4 years ago when they started, and he put me on citalopram. I came off it once, but went back on it after a couple of months, but came off it again in April of this year. For a few months I felt ok, had the odd few thoughts but got over them pretty quickly.

But, about a month ago now, during a two week long holiday from work, I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced. I went immediately to my doctor, he offered me antidepressants again, which I declined this time, and also offered me CBT, which I accepted, and beta blockers.

At that point I thought it was mainly panic that was bothering me now, but then a week later, after I'd been away for the weekend visiting my brother, I broke down crying in front of my Mum, for no immediate reason. From here on I felt more and more despairing.

I find it hard to say what brings on my panic, as a lot of the time it is for abstract reasons rather than situations I find myself in, I keep getting these thoughts that things aren't real, that it is peculiar the way I am looking out at the world, that I don't feel familiar with my surroundings, the very place I have lived my whole life,as if I am a stranger to this world.

I understand that a lot of the time these feelings are borne as a way of divorcing yourself from your real problems, which I have a lot of as well, I failed my final year of uni 4 years ago and didn't retake it, meaning I can't afford to study again, I hate the job I have, I haven't had a relationship or intimate contact with a girl for a long time, but right now these thoughts I have, which I feel I can't physically beat, are overpowering all of it.

And another strange thing, I can wake up in the morning and feel fine, go to work and feel a bit nervous at times, a bit panicky, but fine, but then as the day goes on, around 4 or 5 o clock, I get a panic so strong, I maybe have to take myself away to the toilets to sit on my own for a few minutes, and the panic lasts when I get home, where I cant do much apart from watch tv very fidgety, and maybe fall asleep.

I find it so hard to explain what it's like. I've been reading a lot online about it, and am starting to understand it more, but I am still unable to control it, the strange thoughts and uneasy feelings about the world I get, and the panic at the end of the day.

My CBT is taking ages to start also, I haven't heard from them since a week ago, when I filled in a questionaire they sent me.

I was just wondering, anyway, if anyone else can relate to these feelings I've been having, like uneasiness about the world, the feeling like a stranger in the place I've lived in my whole life, the distance I feel from my parents, who I really really love so dearly, and if anyone can give me some tips on how to get through this.

There have been times, at my very worst, where I've thought about ending it all, when the world feels so alien to me, and I feel like I will never feel like the person I was before ever again.

Richard x

[keepemlaughing]

Richard,
I am sorry you are feeling so down. I have been where you are, when it all seems so pointless. I have to say that meds keep me sane for the most part. But it took forever to find the right combination. I am glad you are going for the CBT. We don't really have it here in the states, but I hear great things about it on this site.
I am glad you found us. You will find lots of support and encouragement!!
Blessings,
Sheryl

[Neilr1978]

At the moment im also having a hard time.about a week ago i woke up fine(well as fine as i can be with ectopics,anxiety etc lol).And by 7pm for no reason i can think of my anxiety stats to build to point im getting so wound up i feel sick,cant keep still,shaking etc.ANd thats how i stayed all night i got no sleeep until 7.30 am for around two hours.Its been backwards and forwards since.
What has helped me a bit is i got so bloody angry at myself for letting my anxiety that MY body is making me feel," i thought its me that should be the boss not the anxiety" sometimes it works sometimes not ,but it can help just to think of this thing from different angles.Sometimes it feels so hard to keep a lid on these thing because it fels like inside your body is going nuts.Richd you CAN and WILL beat this eventually,we all will because at the end of the day we are the boss the Anxiety should be thought of as a school bully and school bullies eventually get what they deserve.Keep your chin up and keep fighting.

[nettles]

Hi Richard
It's hard to know where to start, but I think saying that I've felt the way you're feeling and believe me, you can and will feel like the person you were before; possibly a stronger person for going through the experiences you're going through.
I had CBT on the NHS, I had to wait for over 6 months, then I was only given 6 one hour sessions, so I wouldn't hold out for the CBT. It may be a good idea to find some books to read in the meantime on anxiety and depression, once you've familiarized yourself with all the symptoms hopefully it won't feel quite so scary. It's good to have a book to hand for the times when you feel really bad, I read "Self Coaching" by Joseph J. Luciani when I hit a bad spot.
It sounds like your job is really getting you down, being in the wrong job or feeling like you're on the wrong path in life can be very damaging if you're susceptible to anxiety/depression - do you know what you'd really like to do? Sometimes anxiety and depression are your body's way of telling you to change something in your life. Would completing your University Degree help put you on the right path? If so, have you thought about retaking your final year through the Open University? They are much cheaper, if you only need to top up the number of modules/credits you require to gain your Degree, this could be a possibility...studying may also take you mind off the anxiety/depression.

It does sound like you feel lost, and need some direction. My teenage years were lost to anxiety and panic, so I really feel for you. After unsuccessful periods on antidepressants and beta blockers I got through it by finding a passion that I wanted to pursue badly enough to put myself through all the anxiety and fear, and I went back to college as a mature student (I didn't even get through my A levels due to the anxiety). Having goals is really important to motivate yourself, or the world does seem like a pretty alien, pointless place. When you get home from work try doing something other than watching TV- reading , socializing or exercise may help your mood and distract you from the anxiety symptoms. (Although I realize doing these things when you're feeling this bad takes a hell of an effort).

If you do feel like ending it all again, do go back to your doctor and tell him/her exactly how you're feeling, or come online and talk to someone here, it's best to keep communicating so you realize people do understand and there is a way of "getting better".
Take care,
Nettles X

[Richd]

Thanks for your responses, your replies are all really helpful and comforting. I've been reading a lot up about my symptoms on the internet actually, and it is definitley helping me to understand things, especially when I have the most dark, unnerving thoughts and I stumble across other people who have not only felt them, but also come through them.

One of the things I find so frustrating is that, normally, I am a very rational person, and feeling these irrational feelings is so horrible, it really takes something else entirely to banish them, something I will hopefully learn.

Thanks nettles, I definitley know what you mean about needing direction. It's just right now I feel so trapped. I studied 3 years at university, and had a student loan that time. Now that it has been over 4 years since I left uni I don't think I would be able to go and just retake the final year anymore. So I would need to start the course again from scratch, which I don't know how I could afford. But I guess I need to look into what options are open to me instead of just presuming that all the doors are closed. I actually work in a supermarket at the moment, so you can probably see why it is so depressing!

It's just strange to me how this all seems to progress. On the one hand, when I've had this depression and anxiety in the past, I would self-harm. This time I'm really fighting the urge to, but the other symptoms are so strong.

Anyway, thankyou again for your responses, it's good to know there's somewhere I can talk about this now.

Richard x.

PS. How do you go about talking about this to people? I am not comfortable with people really knowing... I am a 25 year old man, but at the moment I am living with my parents, I am very close to my Mum, and when this all started up again I did tell her, but since I've not really mentioned it. It must be quite obvious to her that I'm not as I am normally am, because I spend most of my time in my bedroom, or asleep on the sofa. But I still don't feel I can blurt out to her all about it, because I feel bad about putting the burden onto her. And I don't feel I can tell any of my friends as I don't know how they would take it. But does it help to have people know? This is a big reason why I want the CBT to begin asap, so I have someone who I can tell everything to.

[nettles]

Hi Richard
It's tricky dealing with parents, they often don't want to face the fact that their child has a mental health problem, maybe they see it as a failing on their part? Often they take it too personally to be of any real help. Looking back I can't understand how my parents showed so little concern when I was quite obviously "not right" (didn't leave the house for months, on heavy antidepressants, constant panic attacks, no social life - and yet they never actually asked what was wrong, or how could they help). I always found it easier to talk to strangers, even now most of my friends don't know about my anxiety problems. I would try to talk to your mum though, you may find she's been wanting to talk but doesn't know how to go about it. Just being honest about how you feel takes some pressure off you not to hide everything. Anxiety only compounds when we start to feel isolated, different, and unable to live like other people. Hiding how you really feel is so exhausting. Since I've been honest with my dad about my problems it has improved our relationship, he was confused about so much of my behaviour, but didn't know how to approach the subject.

I used to work in a college registry and dealt with students who were transferring from another college, or picking up their studies after time off, we definately did allow students to transfer the credits they had gained from previous years work so they could complete their degree, I'm not sure how long a break they could take though, you'd have to enquire at the college registry. Sounds like staying at the supermarket will drive you mad, I've had bad jobs that have left me feeling wretched by the end of the day, try to think about what you'd really like to do (even if you don't feel capable of achieving it right now), take small steps towards it and as you achieve small goals you should start feeling stronger. The first day I went back to college as a mature student, I felt sick and terrified and didn't think I'd make it to lunchtime, years later I finished my MA and it has given me a passion for life without which I think the anxiety would rear it's ugly head again!

Hope this helps, pm me if you need to talk.
Nettles x