View Full Version : Has your panic / anxiety made you more conscious of your own mortality?
My attacks have mad me acutely aware of my own mortality, at times I felt like i have been staring death in the face.
It's funny, i used to be quite philosophical about death, almost buddist about it, ie: when we die, we are buried, turn into soil, then we are reincarnated in the form of flowers etc that have fed from the soil where we are. Dying almost seemed romantic.
But, I have to say, that I did not expect to be facing death at my age (even if it is only in my head). And to be honest, it terrifies me.. dying at my age (I'm 35), leaving my partner behind, my friends etc.
Is this a common feeling among fellow sufferers?
Captain America
03-10-08, 23:11
it is for me. i can't go a day without seeing my kids and thinking what would happen if i were gone. it sucks.
I think for some people it's thinking about death in the first place that brings on the anxiety. I would have said that most health anxiety, in particular, was rooted in a fear of death. Which is to some degree natural - most people (and other animals) don't want to die, and will do whatever they can to avoid it.
The main reason I think I'm afraid of problems with my health and fear premature death is that I don't feel like I've made enough of my life. I'm worried about ill health taking over my life, or cutting it off before I've done the things that I think I should do, like have kids.
I've imagined that I might be going to die in my worst panic attacks. Oddly, for a few seconds at the peak of the attack, and the thing that starts bringing me out of it, is a sort of wave of "oh well, this is it then" - a sort of fatalism. Like it's going to happen and there isn't any more I can do about it. Once I stop fighting it, I start to calm down. Not sure what that means, really...
Captain America
04-10-08, 00:45
leebee you have hit it right on the head. before having children i was really care free, felt that i had accomplished everything and my attitude was 'so what'.
now, i want to help my kids grow, be there when they have hard times, see them grow up, etc. so yeah my health anxiety is rooted in this fear of death because there is so much that i want to live for now.
and like you, when i finally do say, 'okay if this is it then so be it', i finally calm down and my symptoms subside.
odd isn't it? that you almost have to be willing to die to feel like you can live again?
purplehaze
04-10-08, 08:43
Hey
I think we are more aware of our mortality because of what we go through and our thoughts can flow towards those we love at the time of a panic attack or fear of death. I suppose if anything good can come from this, then it may be we spend more quality time with our childern and others we love.
I had the mother of all attacks yesterday and I had not had anything for awhile but thankfully I talked myself out of it and was still able to drive..milessssssssssssssssssssssssss from my "comfort zone"
Good post
thaanks
claire1983phillips
04-10-08, 08:57
im always thinking about me going and leaving my hubby and kids, i know its in my head i just wish i can stop thinging about it
Mine is constant fear, stems not from my daughter, but from the fact im probably going die alone.
Sounds selfish but my daughter has a good network around her.
Interesting topic,
CONS
I have had my own issues about my mortality. I realised that it wasnt the death that worried me, it was the abandonment issues. I worried that no one would turn up at my funeral. I wouldn't be remembered. I would nt be mourned.
These were all irrattional. I know I will be missed.
Death isnt the root cause of any of your Anxieties. how can it be. No one knows what it will be like..
The question should be... Are you afraid of dying!. And yes, my last few breathes will probably the most terrifying ever. But. Im not alone!!
Wil our families be ok?
In a good way.
I have always buried mortality deep. If anyone died around me I would either try to ignore it or busy myself.
Now I have addressed it and feel enlightened. I feel much better as a person for getting a chance to live a relatively disability free existence and see so many wonderful things and meet so many inspirational people. The best people I have met have had there lives ended early in my eyes and that makes my meeting with them so much more important.
I have now realised that our time in this mortal coil is short and to try to live in the moment.
Slow your lives down and you find that less is more. The material things mean nothing, the people you meet and the things you experience are what makes life worth living.
Enjoy every day like its your last.
Mee,
I'm now 65 and have been aware of my own mortality since I was 9 years old when my father died very suddenly. Since then I have spent almost every day terrified that I was going to die. As a child I became obsessed with death and the fear led to phobias and other chronic anxiety problems. I was terrifed I would die every time I went to sleep, thought I couldn't eat and breath at the same time, so wouldn't eat, also because my father had been a vicar I began to associate church with death and couldn't go there without experiencing panic attacks. I was sent to a convent boarding school and we were constantly being forced to go to church or chapel and every time I had a panic attack the nuns punished me. I developed agoraphobia and started feeling depersonalized, although at that time I couldn't describe my feelings to anyone however terrifying they were. My mother was unable to cope with me after my father died and I had no other adults to turn to. All my family were dead by the time I was 33 and I have been alone ever since. As most of them died from cancer I am constantly certain it will soon catch up with me and any physical symptom immediately becomes the first sign of cancer and I go into violent free-floating anxiety states. I am currently in one of these states, although my doctor is certain my symptoms are due to extreme anxiety and nothing more sinister. My life has seemed pointless for years, because all I do is live in dread of dying. My fear of death is the only thing that stops me killing myself. I am very ashamed because my life has been a complete failure.
BNCfan, I'm sure your life can't have been a complete failure, you're still here, and articulate and it sounds like you have a lot of experience and wisdom to share. Sorry you feel that way though...
What does BNC stand for, by the way?
Hi LeeBee, Thanks for the kind words. BNC stands for Beth Nielsen Chapman, a singer/songwriter from the States whose songs have helped me cope over the last ten years more than anything else. She lost her husband to cancer and then developed breast cancer herself - she went through chemo and has put her emotions and experiences of loss and bereavement into some wonderful reassuringly beautiful and healing songs. Her concerts are the best therapy I know. I have tickets and am hoping to get to see her on her brief tour in November. Beth is one of the blessings in my life. If anyone is going through bereavement I can't recommend her 'Sand And Water' & 'Deeper Still' albums strongly enough. You might cry your eyes out at some of the songs, but it will help the healing process.
Best wishes, Helen
i feel like i can feel my life i know soudes wierd but i can feel my heart beat and my chest go up and down i am so awhere that i am alive when back in the day i it did not even cross my mind i just enjoyd life
I definitely am more aware of my own mortality. I actually would like for God to take me home because I'm so fearful of the future now that so many banks are failing and Wall St. has collapsed. Maybe my faith is too weak. I was initially exposed to the kind of religion where it seemed like one was destined to burn in hell because of being a sinner and of course we're born sinners so there is no way we cannot sin. Drove me nuts as a youngster. Since my panic attacks of a few weeks ago I've been obsessing on it being the end of the world... New World Order, mark of the beast, etc. I've been praying a lot but haven't got much relief at all. I've done some stuff I'm not too proud of and hope I can be forgiven and saved. I want to get into the Kingdom of Heaven more than anything where there is no anxiety, depression, sickness or pain.....
Knowing only that we are all going to die is quite a bummer!
i feel like i can feel my life i know soudes wierd but i can feel my heart beat and my chest go up and down i am so awhere that i am alive when back in the day i it did not even cross my mind i just enjoyd life
I'm totally with you on that one. I used to enjoy life, without thinking twice about what my body was up to, but now my mind is totally obsessed with every single palp, twitch, rush, ache, pain, twinge, breath, heart beat.....i feel like i'm in a prison. then when some days i feel like i'm making progress on my escape from this prison, the prison guard grabs me and throws me back into the cell.
I'm SO determined to get over this, it's made me really angry that it's stolen my life.
It is the fear and the sensations that the panic attack brings - the attack starts and the feeling is ""this is it i am dying"".
I have been told many times that if you die there is nothing you can do about it.
MY FEAR is that in the act of dying, right here this minute in a panic attack I will be in great trouble. I do not know from who or what but i will be blamed for not taking better care of my self and for the trouble i have caused to others because of my death.
I even see my self surrounded by shadowy figures and they are pointing at me 'dying on the floor' saying things like "it is your own stupid fault, what did you expect???""
i fear the panic sensations that bring this feeling.
June
Natural Mystic
10-10-08, 20:48
it is for me. i can't go a day without seeing my kids and thinking what would happen if i were gone. it sucks.
Me too, that's my worst fear, dying and leaving my 7 year old (he has no father). Not only that but I'll die and he'll have to find me, it worries me to death .. no pun :roflmao:
Natural Mystic
10-10-08, 20:52
In a good way.
Slow your lives down and you find that less is more. The material things mean nothing, the people you meet and the things you experience are what makes life worth living.
Hear Hear to that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey BNC, firstly I would like to say that I really feel for your history, it sounds like you have been through some very difficult times. The world can really test us and it's how we cope with those tests that defines us - and personally I feel you have done fantastic to make it to your age living with your condition.
What I would say to you is that it sounds like you need to break through your past and look to the future. You are who you are today and not who you were yesterday. I know that is easier to say than do and know many people may have said that over the years, however I definately believe it is within all of us to change how we percieve the world - with a little help of course! You could live longer than me - you could live till a 110 and have a fantastic life............ it's definately within you to do anything (as all of us).
....Personally I have what I would describe as moderate anxiety symptoms. I am a sweaty person and my anxiety leads to me to start sweating in social situations, at which point I seem to get into a mess with quite a few symtoms and have to cool off (my mind and body).
A couple of days ago I had my worst ever attack at work (I had been having one nearly ever day leading up to it). I had a lot on my mind and the office was a bit hot that day. I started sweating after moving some files and then the cycle began....but got worse than before - I took a phone call and could bearly understand what the woman I was speaking to was saying (and I don't think she was too happy), I got through it by pushing through the extreme symptoms I was feeling and ended the call. In the middle of the whole thing It felt like my world was ending - I had totally lost it (I would guess like a nervous break down or something). it was totally insane. I just got up and told my colleague I felt like hell and had to go - she said "yeah get off home you do look a bit grey" (everyone watching - felt very embarrassed), just shut my computer off (while people were trying to talk to me) and walked out in about a minute. Everyone was stunned!! They called me to check I was ok.... I couldn't believe it and it felt like a life changing moment. My first thought was I could never go back and my second was that life as I know it (normal life) was over and I would have to sign on and give up work.
I took the decsion that enough is enough - anxiety was not going to be the death of me! Got a GP appointment a couple of hours later said right that's it - get the drugs - get the councilling - get sorted.
Sorry if that sounds a little of track from your original question, but my point is that anxiety can make you feel many things, but we definately have the ability to address the issues (with modern medicne and techniques).
Death is definately more on my mind if I am having more servere symptoms - every little lump or pain can lead me to have little attacks and sometimes wind myself up on the internet (i now have a rule - no more google for personal medical symptoms - it's dangerous). I am stiil here after many such attacks and as I get a little older I am developing counter measures to suppress these thoughts and make myself realise that they are crazy.
Me and my friend were discussing life and death down the pub a little while ago and we game to what I feel is a very gratifying conclusion (in my opinion) about what it may be like, which in summary is: "what was it like when you wern't alive?" Our agreement was that we can't remember (your just a part of the amazing universe) and we agreed that that is what it will be like when you are dead - and to me this belief is very comforting.
Anyway better end (it's been a long and testing week - as you might tell) so I apologise for the long post. We are all in this together so don't feel like you are alone.!
Andy
:shades: :winks:
Andy you have inspired me mate, what a great post, especially the chat with your mate in the pub.
Hope it inspires me that much to deal with myself now, cheers
Heather
:bighug1:
piglits pal
11-10-08, 16:34
Before I was married with a child I was just a happy go lucky, not a care in the world type of person. Now I don't go a day without worrying that I won't see my family grow old together.
I'm now 65 and have been aware of my own mortality since I was 9 years old when my father died very suddenly. Since then I have spent almost every day terrified that I was going to die. As a child I became obsessed with death and the fear led to phobias and other chronic anxiety problems. I was terrifed I would die every time I went to sleep, thought I couldn't eat and breath at the same time, so wouldn't eat, also because my father had been a vicar I began to associate church with death and couldn't go there without experiencing panic attacks. I was sent to a convent boarding school and we were constantly being forced to go to church or chapel and every time I had a panic attack the nuns punished me. I developed agoraphobia and started feeling depersonalized, although at that time I couldn't describe my feelings to anyone however terrifying they were. My mother was unable to cope with me after my father died and I had no other adults to turn to. All my family were dead by the time I was 33 and I have been alone ever since. As most of them died from cancer I am constantly certain it will soon catch up with me and any physical symptom immediately becomes the first sign of cancer and I go into violent free-floating anxiety states. I am currently in one of these states, although my doctor is certain my symptoms are due to extreme anxiety and nothing more sinister. My life has seemed pointless for years, because all I do is live in dread of dying. My fear of death is the only thing that stops me killing myself. I am very ashamed because my life has been a complete failure.
BN Fan
Losing My Father recently I feel similar to what you describe. I know that I will experience bereavement again and again in the future and I feel afraid about the future. I know that Death is just something we have to learn to deal with as it is a part of life without it we are not alive. I have a strong belief in reincarnation which gives me hope that when I die I might see my father again. Being an athiest I struggled with death and started studying
buddhism. I feel that death is only the failing of our organic bodies and that our minds continue in to the future. I am sure your parents would want you to live and experience life to the full for there benefit as well as your own. Just look around and try to find any body who hasn't experienced a loss and they are far and few between. It sometimes feels as if life is suffering until you start to train your brain to think differently. I find nature and the things in the world much more meaningful. I have learnt to see so many fantastic things in nature.
Hope you find inspiration.
Mee
Andy
Fantastic Inspirational post. I am sure things happen in life for a reason. In my eyes your anxiety has made you question your work life and this could be a changing point for your life you are ready to experience something new in your life, bad or good. Life's a journey. What is a normal life??
Take Care.
We all feel the same. Is that normal.
Mee
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