Guilt over this 'invisible' illness.

[kendo59]

A couple of threads lately have got me to thinking more about how we each suffer from our individual conditions, and how we each choose to deal with them, how much choice/responsibility we actually have over the way we lead our lives, etc.

Let me first stress that I am not denigrating anybody's suffering, and this is merely the way I sometimes try to make sense of my situation (I tend to analyse a lot of stuff).

A common view of these disorders (depression/stress/anxiety/etc) is that they are what is often called "invisible illnesses". Invisible to everyone else except ourselves, impossible for anyone else to understand, and often dismissed as "you're just feeling a bit fed up" or "you worry too much over nothing".

OK, my question is - how many people feel guilty about having depression/anxiety/stress/etc?

I think a big part of my depression/anxiety is because I have always had it drummed into me to be self-reliant, to cope, be the 'breadwinner', take care of family, etc. and since my breakdown I am having a huge problem coming to terms with this new situation of feeling so helpless/failure/etc. Maybe it's the sudden loss of control over my life, of having my life fall apart and not being able to put it back together again, etc. Humpty-Dumpty fell off the wall.

Anyway, I know these feelings are wrong, and it's what everyone says to NOT say/think, etc... but... the very methods that I'veused to encourage myself to overcome difficulties in the past, now seem to be the very thing that one is NOT supposed to say/think. "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER" "SNAP OUT OF IT" "DON'T GIVE IN", etc.

Now, for the first time in my life, I cannot cope. I don't know how. I try to analyze the problem, to find a solution, the same as I've always done, the same as my job always was. Gather the facts, investigate, analyze, calculate, work out a way to fix the problem and get it working again. There's nothing *physically* wrong, so it's a mental disorder, right? I'm not Brain-Damaged, so it's a 'mood disorder', which means I have a choice of how to react to it, right?

But it doesn't work like that this time. None of it makes any sense. For the first time in my life, I cannot find the answer. "DOES NOT COMPUTE". Impossible, there HAS to be an answer.... doesn't there? Well, I can't find it. I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a big tangled mess, trying to untangle it, and the more I try, the bigger a tangle it becomes.

Other people go through loss, without falling apart. Other people lose family, job, etc. and cope. So why, suddenly, can't I?

I can't cope with the pressure of a 5-minute conversation at the moment, never mind a job. Yet the longer I'm out of work, the more the bills are piling up, the more I get stressed & feel like a useless failure. The less I feel able to cope with life.
Catch-22.

I was mostly raised by my grandparents as a kid, and they were very 'old-school'. My grandmother was the youngest of 13 kids herself, never had the opportunity of an education of any sort, was always home doing the housework for her mum. When she was 15 she went into 'domestic service' as a maid for a wealthy family, and then met & married my grandfather (he was well educated & quite comfortably off). I think of the hardships my grandparents faced in their lifetime, the Depression of the 1930's, raising a family in London during WW2 through the Blitz & Rationing, etc. Being bombed out, losing his legs, and never once did I ever hear them complain. To them, any hardships were 'character-building'. There were no problems, only 'challenges'. Not being able to cope, was simply never an option. And I guess a lot of that mentality has rubbed off on me, I've never let anything really get me down before.
Until now.

What would my grandparents do/say? Well, people of that generation probably wouldn't understand this 'invisible illness'. And to tell the truth, neither do I, and I'm suffering from it!!!! WHY can't I 'cope'.. with life, with a job, with a conversation? WHY can't I walk 200 yards to the local shop and queue up to pay for a pint of milk?

What would be the reaction of my old Marine Drill-Sergeants? "GET UP ON YOUR FEET, YOU DEVIL-DOG, AND ATTACK THAT HILL!!! OOO-RAH!!!" Where has my Devil-Dog spirit gone? Why suddenly, this time, isn't any of this morale-building, psyche-myself-up "fight them on the beaches and never give up" stuff not working? It always used to.

Depression/Stress/Anxiety/Shell-shock/PTSD, call it whatever you like... unless the sufferer ended up in the funny-farm, sitting in the corner as a stuttering dribbling wreck, one would be expected to simply grit ones teeth & 'Get on with it' and cope, or be thought of as a self-pitying, self-obsessed, malingering, hypochondriac.

Have a leg amputated, become blind, and people will understand why you cannot do stuff. People will know that it isn't your fault that you can't do the things you used to. Yet given the choice, between this depression/stress or losing a leg/going blind.. which would we choose? Which would you choose?

People look at me and see a strapping healthy burly bloke, 18 months ago on top of the world. They don't see the change inside me - like a cancer that has eaten me away inside, leaving me empty, hollow, a shell. It feels like my brain has simply 'short-circuited'. Nothing makes any sense anymore. I feel like a robot, walking around in a circle, "does not compute - does not compute".

Even friends just don't understand what it is that's *actually* wrong with me. They know what I went through, and that I'm seeing the doctor for stress/depression, counselling, etc. but they just think I'm feeling a bit miserable/fed up. "Yeah, I understand your depressed and stressed - but what's *actually* wrong with you?".

Even my GP is losing patience. Last time I saw him and explained the counselling didn't help, his response was "You just have to imagine putting all your problems in a box, shut the box, lock the lid, and put the box away out of sight". Eh??? Yeah... did you see that film "Magic" with Antony Hopkins.. about the evil ventriloquist dummy... shut in the box... yet keeps calling out.

There are a lot of days where I can't cope with anything and do feel like just sitting in a dark corner, trying to get these thoughts to go away, trying to 'overcome' this disorder, trying to tell myself "your arms work, your legs work, your eyes work, so get off your backside and go for a walk, do the shopping, do the dusting/hoovering".. yeah... I spend hours sitting in the corner, telling myself that. But it doesn't work, why not? I don't know - after all, what is *actually* wrong with me? My arms work, my legs work, etc...

Maybe that's why I feel so guilty at having this 'invisible non-illness'. Guilty at suddenly not being able to cope with the simplest stuff. Guilty at letting people down. At not being able to just "put it in a box" and get on with it. Guilt at being such a helpless/useless failure, when there is nothing *actually/physically* wrong with me. I just don't understand why I am the way I have become, yet I can't find a way to fix it.

[kendo59]

"after being like this for nearly 24 years"

I've been like this for about a year, and to be honest, the thought of spending much longer like this, makes me feel even worse. I really don't know how people cope with this for so long without asking "what if this is as good as it gets?" and wanting to kill themselves.

[marie1974]

hiya matey, well i spent alot of time with my grandparents and as loving as they were, my gran was very old fashioned and very houseproud, she had that kind of "well u just got to get on with it approach to life".

i loved her loads and always went to her for advice when i was down as she was always honest with me and used to tell me to be strong and not worry about wot people think kinda thing.

my parents are very old fashioned, my dad is typical guvvner of the house and mum waits on him etc, she dont deal with anything negative and blocks things out and always says "well u just gotta get on with it" she quite cold and closed off.

this has had a good and bad affect on me with my depression and anxiety, good because i beleive trully that the only way to get better from these things is to face them head on, deal with the cause properly and move on, this is wot i did and it worked for me, its the way i have been taught really and i think its a good thing and tends to make u stronger.

the down side to this is i am a sensitive person and when things go wrong or i am down i need to talk about it and deal with it and in my family they dont do the listening bit, only the talking so things get swept under the carpet and never dealt with.

i know in war times, there wasnt time for things like depression and anxiety, although it was there, it was never as bad as it is now because i feel, they had to just get on with it and women had to look after kids alone during war so could not afford to sit and be depressed.

also i think families stuck together alot more in those days so people never felt alone, everyone lives local and they always had help and support from relatives close by, nowa days families move away and there isnt the support for people there was back then.

i dont feel guilty for having had depression and anxiety because i came through it and its made me a stronger person.

i dont think the pull yourself together approach is the best thing to say but i think someone who is supporting you and telling you come on, u can do this and , u got to fight this etc is a good and positive thing and encouraging you to find strength.

i have an auntie who suffers bad depression and her hubby does everything for her, sends her to bed and because of this she is now very over weight, diabetic and very depressed, its done her no favours.

[Dazza]

Hi Kendo,

I really relate to your post.

Why is it that we go from being life loving, successful, happy-go-lucky people to people who can't even get out of the house sometimes.

I don't feel guilty as such about feeling like this, as I went through a 4 year depression about 10 years ago, and i learnt that guilt only further fuels it.

I guess that only thing that I do feel a failure in, is my relationship with my bf. he's patient, but I just don't know how long he will be able to put up with it... i mean, what if I'm ill with this for years!

Rationally of course, i tell myself that he loves me and will stand by me. I would do the same for him.

What we have is invisible, and I don't blame people who have not been through it for not understanding it. I didn't understand depression until I suffered from it. when i did have depression, I came out of the other side of it a much stronger person, even though the road was long, lonely and fraught with guilt, anger and frustration.

I guess i'm trying to say, don't be hard on yourself. The guilt will only further fuel your anxiety. I know it's easy to say.

My experience of depression tells me that it IS worth fighting, as you will get your life back. It will be a new, stronger you.

[Hope 2]

Hello

I have felt guilty all my adult life. It magnified hugely when I became mentally ill.

Julia.

[titchjd]

hello Kendo ...hope you are ok.

Yes I feel guilty about my anxiety etc as It has changed my life so much and I feel somewhere along the way I have let it take control of me and everything I do .

You say that you can't cope anymore but you cope everyday with this horrible illness and that is something you have 2 remember and tell yourself and be proud of ..OK it,s not the thing you would have chosen 2 have 2 cope with but without realising m8 u DO cope ,don't get me wrong I know how hard it is and I feel the same but for each day I am still here typing means it's 1 extra day I coped.

Can I ask what are your symptoms of your anxiety /depression ..Is it mainly physical or thoughts or a mixture of both ?

also you have had counselling and it hasnt helped ..why do you think that is ?

Sorry for all the questions m8y
Remember Im here whenever u need PM me anytym xxx

Titchjd xxx

[graham58]

I don't feel guilty about having it as such, it's the burdens it imposes on other people that make me feel bad. Like, when I'm stranded in a hotel and can't get back to town because I can't get across the road and I have to call a member of my family to rescue me, having already pleaded with the hotel to let me use their phone to call out.

I just tell myself that this is temporary and I'll come through it, but it feels humiliating to be so obviously unable to cope in public.

[charlotte-louise]

I do if im honest

I had to remind my boyfriend tonight that i am poorly , i have a condition that i suffer from and he actually said you look okay to me , yes i look okay, but at the moment im feeling very fragile, quite low and having anxiety attacks - altho today has been a very positive day for me, the first time in 3 weeks i have been alone, and i also went into work - i felt a bit spaced out and funny at work, but i took lots of deep breathes, and i got through it (i work 3 hours as a cleaner at a local leisure centre on weekends) 3 weeks ago, i walked out :weep: having an anxiety attack, thinking iw as dying and wanted to be at home with my family in my final hours :blush: looking back on that, i do feel bad, because for some people THAT is a reality, they do have something wrong, and they do only have years/months/weeks/hours to live, and here i am just having an anxiety attack - okay thats my reality but it still makes me feel so so bad

[Cathy V]

Hey there charlotte, what you say here is exactly how it feels. Chin up kiddo. We'll get there...xxxxx

[LeeBee]

Kendo

I always thought that my family were very much "get on with it and don't make a fuss" stoical people. However, in recent years, I have realised that the way that they seemed to me as child and young adult is not necessarily how they really were. My father suffers terrible bouts of anxiety and depression, but will never, ever admit it, even to himself, or seek help. I knew that my steadfast, clever, sensible granny had had some kind of "episode" and had to go to hospital a few years before I was born, after my grandfather died, but no one really spoke about it. My mother told me a recently that granny had had a nervous breakdown, had been taken away in an ambulance screaming and crying, and had been sectioned. She recovered after a period of depression and was a wonderful grandmother to me.

My point is that the way that people seem to us from the outside is not always the way that they really are. A lot of people suffer through a private hell while putting on a stoic public face. Most people don't want to talk about mental illness, especially their own.

Also, you would be generous and understanding to you if you weren't you, if you see what I mean? Maybe look at yourself as though you were someone else for a while. I did that after during a period of depression and helped me to stop being so hard and "for god's sake snap out of it" towards myself. Because we all know that that doesn't help, at all.

xx

[Dazza]

Also, you would be generous and understanding to you if you weren't you, if you see what I mean? Maybe look at yourself as though you were someone else for a while. I did that after during a period of depression and helped me to stop being so hard and "for god's sake snap out of it" towards myself. Because we all know that that doesn't help, at all.

xx

That's sound advice LeeBee - I'm going to try that myself! Thanks. :)

[HeatherMc]

its good to see that some people do recover from this, at the moment I am trying to hold down my job and look after my family, its hard with the waking up in the middle of the night and feeling absolutely terrified because of weird dreams, bizarre thoughts etc, work is dead pressured always covering for people off sick etc. I just want to get through this and guilt is a big part of it, I feel guilty for putting my family through this, Sometimes I feel pathetic as I cannot pull myself together, this morning I told my partner I felt ashamed and embarassed because of this (being an invisible illness) sometimes I feel awful because of the panic attacks ( I was once accussed of attention seeking). He was trying to help when he said ok you've got anxiety don't let it rule you, but I feel that this is easier said than done,

Kendo, I reallly understand where you are coming from mate and my heart goes out to you.

Lots of Love

Heather
XXXXXXXXxxx