BNCfan
05-10-08, 09:24
I'm 65 and have suffered with chronic anxiety and depression since I was 9, when my father died very suddenly. From that moment I was convinced I too was going to die. At the time my mother could not cope with my emotional reaction to what had happened and would pass me on to anyone who would have me. As a result I was repeatedly abused. I was then sent to a convent boarding school where my death phobia took over my life. The nuns could not cope with me and their only response was to punish me for "making a fuss". They often used to lock me in a room on my own at night, which only terrified me even more. I then developed chronic agoraphobia, in fact became phobic about just about everything. I was obsessed with the fear of death. I spent years in psychiatric hospitals during my 20s and early 30s having all kinds of drug therapy, but nobody ever tried to find out what was at the root of my problems. I had also been self harming severely for many years, but nobody knew, it was my secret way of coping. My mother died when I was 33, leaving me homeless as we were living in a house which had been left to her by her former employer. I found myself completely alone, as the rest of the family were already dead. Everyone on my mother's side of the family died of one form of cancer or another and I felt I was living with a time bomb, convinced it would soon catch up with me. The smallest physical symptom was translated by my over stressed brain - such as it was - into the first signs of cancer. I have had all kinds of unpleasant medical tests over the years. For the last two months I have been experiencing bloatedness and acute reflux and other digestive problems and that feeling of a lump in my throat. I am convinced I have at last inherited the family cancer and I'm terrified. My GP is certain my symptoms are due to chronic anxiety and has given me some Ranitidine to limit the production of stomach acid. I am in an exhausting cycle of free floating anxiety which lasts for hours, When I do fall asleep, which is usually only for a couple of hours, I wake up terrified and back in that cycle of anxiety. I am exhausted, alone and terrified and don't know where to turn. My life has taught me not to trust people and due to the abuse when I was a child I have never had a relationship. I feel like a freak. I'm so ashamed of what I am and what a failure my life has been. If it wasn't for my phobia about death I would have killed myself years ago.