View Full Version : Constant thoughts on being gay/in love with friend.
Hi all.
For about 4 weeks now i have been having pretty much constant thoughts of me actually being gay and in love with my best friend. I'm a married woman and love and fancy my husband terribly.
This thought just popped into my head and i've since latched on to it and geting myself anxious and uptight about the what ifs-these being
What if i've been gay all my life
What if every time i touched my friend it's actually meant i've wanted something more
What if i tell her/my husband
What if this means the end of my marriage
It's as if because it's on my mind constantly i'm starting to believe it's the truth if that makes any sense at all? I have been analysing everything about my friendship with her and it's really doing my head in now. Her name is just going round and round in my head. Then i worry that if i tell people this they'd think well no normal person would think that so you must be gay. It's a vicious circle.:huh:
I have known my friend 12 years, and we are always close. But now this thought is in my head i feel as if i'm distancing myself from her. My husband and i were out with her and her husband on Friday and i was analysing how i was behaving around her. She will eventually twig something is wrong.
I have never officially been diagnosed with anxiety or OCD. I have went through two previous spells of this before. One was when i was on holiday with my husband and from nowhere thought we were going to be involved in a terrorist incident. I obsessed about it and could hardly get out the hotel room. The second was a few months before my wedding and i started obsessing about my previous relationships with guys. It was a similar kind of thing were i couldn't get the guys name out of my head. But i came out of this thinking in time.
I worry that i'm not going to be able to let the constant thoughts go and wondered if anyone else has been through this type of thinking. I've had differing advice on this site, some saying don't try to fight the thoughts and others saying challenge and deal with the thoughts.:blush: I would say i'm anxious in general but not to the point that it affects my daily life. I have a good husband, job, home, family etc and it annoys me i get anxious about stuff because my life in general is good. I want kids one day and just want to be free of this.
However i seem to go through phases were i obsess about stuff and my anxiety really heightens. What can i do? I can't really remember what i done the last time to come out of this kind of anxiety. :lac:
Hi Citygirl,
Sorry to hear that this is happening for you. It must be really unsettling for you.
Sexuality is a funny thing, and I think that it is a great cause of worry or concern for many people, and many suffer in silence as the subject can be quite taboo for many people. So, first of all, well done you for speaking openly about your concerns with us! :)
I've had the same thing, but in reverse!! I'm gay, and have always known that I was (well every since the onset of puberty at around 11).
There have been a few times where I have met a girl through work etc, and become obsessed about her and it has made me totally have to rethink my sexuality.
I had similar questions in my mind:
What if I am actually straight?
Could my gay period have been due to sexual abuse as a child?
How will I tell people about the new me after being gay for so long?
I found the whole thing, well, really quite 'queer':) . I used to be like a nervous school boy when around the girl in question, blushing etc.
Nothing ever came of any of these thoughts, ie I tried to work out at the time why I was attracted to this girl so much, but nothing ever happened physically etc. I was quite close to some of the girls, and I think that somehow my mind had confused being close and emotionally intimate with someone with sexual love.
It sounds to me that is what is happening with you. Your mind is confusing the fact that you are so close and emotionally tired with her with sexual love.
Do you harbour any fears about your sexuality? For me sexuality is like a spectrum..in my mind no-one is completely straight nor completely gay. I define myself as gay, but I have nonetheless found myself being very sexually attracted to some girls. I woud not consider myself to be bi. I guess, i'm gay with hetero tendancies...but i have to say that it's so rare that i am attratced to girls, that's why i consider myself to be 95% gay.
Not sure if I am making sense of helping at all?
Thanks for your reply Darren.
I don't think i have ever had any fears about my sexuality, since puberty i have always been attracted to boys/men. Yes i can admit when a woman is attractive and can openly say yeah i can see why people would find her attractive. But i don't have any sexual feelings. I agree about your views on sexuality it's in the spotlight all the time now. This thought has just popped into my head now and it's so annoying cause i over analyse stuff
and question why i'm questionning myself!!!:wacko: One of my best friends is a gay male and he's always said he knew he was gay from a very young age, it felt natural for him to be attracted to men.
I think the thing that's worrying me is the fact the thought is constant. And also because it's an anxious thought about your lifestyle, theres never really a resolution to it you know? As i say i've known my friend for 12 years and haven't had this anxious thought before, i don't really know what's triggered it. And that worries me too lol!:) I have to laugh at times! Maybe what your saying about the fact you get close to people emotionally at times your mind confuses things?
hiya - I'm sure that is what it is, getting close to someone somehow triggers this confusion response to it.
I've got no remedy really, other than time. Maybe try to write down why your mind might be making you think this, ie the things you like and dislike about her, and you might find your answer there and be able to put in all behind you and not worry about it anymore. Just a thought.
Let me know how you get on.
xx
Thanks Darren. Hopefully as you say the thoughts will go over time.:hugs:
Have you ever had a gay relationship before?
As an adult i mean and not through yrs 10-14, curiosity is a powerfull thing.
Personally i have had 2 gay experiences in my adulthood but i know now its not for me. I couldn't even touch these 2 other people but them touching me was ok at the time.
Yes it was good (not sex) but overall ive had better, much better with women.
Your in an awkward position really, but your feelings seem strong, obsessive thinking etc.
No real answer to this one without people getting hurt, including yourself.
If you believe strongly enough that you are, i think you would already know by now.
CONS
No never had or wanted to have a gay experience. That's why i'm getting anxious i think, why am i thinking this. I've always loved being with men and fancy men.
Cons
This is what i was kinda scared of and has been fuelling my anxiety aswell. That when i get these thoughts out people will think hmm maybe she is. These thoughts have only just came in to my head recently.
I'm 30. I've been with my husband for 10 years. Before this i have only ever had sexual contact with guys. Yes as i said in my previous post i can look at a woman and say yeah she's pretty.
The problem is at times when a thought comes into my head, like what if i could actually be gay, because it's scary to me i become fixed on it and then analyse the death out of it, to the point it's on my mind constantly. I have discussed this thinking with my husband and he has been supportive and told me that he doesn't think i am gay at all. It just seems to be my usual thought pattern that i analyse everything to the point of exhaustion. I'm even getting worried about looking at a woman now thinking do i find her sexually attractive?:wacko:
tigger_pooh
05-10-08, 20:02
Hi,
It sounds like you're feeling very confused right now. However, I tend to agree with Darren that it's possible you are maybe just confusing your close relationship with your friend for something more. I married a man when I was 21. I then started fantasising a lot about one of my closest female friends. I too went through what you are going through now. Am I gay? Am I confused? It took me a long time to work through it but Ifinally realised that I had always been gay but had been denying it to myself all this time. I'm now happily married to a woman and have a son and another on the way. I couldn't be happier now that I have accepted that I am gay. I guess what I was trying to say there is that I think you will come to a realisation at some point - that may be that it was just one of those things or it may be that you'll realise that you do have gay tendencies. Either way, I'm sure that you'll come through this knowing yourself better. Good luck!
Mandy x
Hi Citygirl, it sounds like it's the thoughts that are at the centre of your thoughts, if you see what I mean, rather than actual sexual feelings towards you friend. You think that you might be having these thoughts, and are worried about that, rather than actually having them? It does sound a lot like an obsessive-type thought pattern. Have you checked out the OCD forum?
But the thought of being gay makes me anxious? I can't see myself being with a woman or my friend sexually?
I love my husband dearly, although i've been with him 10 years we only married last year.
God even writing this makes me realise i'm straight i'm just struggling with the thoughts at the moment.
I think we posted at the same moment there, citygirl. Just wanted to say - there's a new post just before your last post :).
That's it Leebee, it's the thoughts that are making me anxious. I don't fancy my friend, we've been on countless nights out, overnight stays etc and i've felt nothing. It's the thought of me being gay that's scaring me. It even makes me more anxious when people come on and say hmm maybe you are, although i know they are just trying to be kind.
Well this is going sound crappy and cheesy but watch some female action if you know what i mean, if you get urges from that then i guess your one step closer to realising the truth.
Better than doing the real thing, this way there is no consequences to your actions.
Watch a little and see for yourself, cuz if watching does nothing then its fair to say that you wouldnt have to worry anymore.
I have had many friends and most the guys have been handsome but not once have i thought about me and him/them. To be totally honest ive thought more about me and their significant others.
Only as fantasy though, dont get it twisted so to speak.
My friends were around me constantly, i feel its only natural.
Infact i kept most of the swines together over the years we were very close together as a group.
CONS
EDIT: If you do watch make sure you STREAM not DOWNLOAD to avoid problems.
The only "action" i have watched would be regular stuff. Women don't make me horny! All i'm really asking in this thread is if other anxiety sufferers have had similar experiences to what i'm going through? I saw a couple of folks had.
Your thoughts are just thoughts. They're just electrical impulses in your brain :). They can't force you into doing something that you don't fundamentally want to do. With obsessive thoughts, it seems to be the thing that you are least likely to do that the obsessive thought homes in on. Any OCDers out there with advice on how to deal with the thoughts?
Yeah Leebee
No wonder they call anxiety and OCD the doubting illness ehh. As i say i've obsessed about thoughts before and they just seemed to die down, so will see how i go this time.:wacko:
I think this sounds like HOCD I am suffering it bad what you said above is the worry I suffered over certain friends or people I work with. You start to question your sexuality first then you start questioning your surroundings like friends and say he is the same sex maybe I fancy him? Do you know why I know it's anxiety because it started with one person and the HOCD made me worry about almost every man I seen that I fancied him when I never. You are straight and don't fancy every person of the opposite sex so I bet a gay person would not either? That's what I say.
It's horrible the best advice I can give is i am straight only went with woman had his worry a year and a half since being with my g.f and since being single even though I've had dates and I'm still eyeing up nice woman talent underneath all the anxiety so I guess the meaning is it's just a thought and It can't define u as a person can it?
If you were gay I doubt you would be able to hold your feelings back because when it comes to life it's ground into us that we make these choices and if you were gay you would find it pleasurable even if kept a secret and it would come with some kind of action. Fact it's just a worry means it's a thought like anything else.
Anxiety hits the sensitive notes and this is a Massive one for me as I want a nice woman and future with a family..I had the exact same worry obsessively about manic depression, weight, self consciousness basically obsessed about every little thing.
The key to OCD is to say no I won't let this bother me/take over my life and when these obsessions start say NO i wont let this get me when i did this it was amazing how quick I stopped switching off nights and checking things and I managed it about 2 weeks with none of it.
I find this hard and right now I suffer it bad but I know from past experience that is one of the keys to helping it. Basically if you have not acted on these gay thoughts and you still find the opposite sex attractive then it's pretty simple that you are straight.
Anxiety is brilliant at making me feel unreal feelings and messing with my head. I find a walk helps me or a shower and just think about me and the anxiety can't get in and I get none of this HOCD...
Hope that helps.
Hi Phil
Yeah it's horrible that fact the thoughts become almost real in your head. I know rationally that when i spend any more than a day with this person she actually starts to irritate me lol. But then when i'm anxious my mind says there's a fine line between love and hate etc etc. The mind is a powerful thing.
God i'm 30 years old, married, settled, happy but when i go through bouts of anxiety it completely takes over!:blush:
The only "action" i have watched would be regular stuff. Women don't make me horny! All i'm really asking in this thread is if other anxiety sufferers have had similar experiences to what i'm going through? I saw a couple of folks had.
Just to add after reading this post. I feel it's a hard one to ask advice on people have had gay experiences but it's not for them.
This is no different to worrying about locking a door is it? People may get mixed up as similar thoughts come to the head if you are curious but they ACT on them that's the thing you say to yourself.
But if you are not attracted then it's anxiety paining a false picture. Plus you tell anybody this fear who doesn't understand and they may think you will turn gay this is never good.
I rather not be around than not be gay so I won't let this battle beat me. It's definitely HOCD. You KNOW what you are about the technique is understanding and comparing it to similar situations. The hold to with this one is it's a sensitive topic, you are married and stuff.
If you were gay, I'm sure you would have cheated or tried something surely come on? I say think back to basics. Another piece of reassurance is I worried in the exact same way with manic depression..the worry lasted 2 years but now it's starting to ease so it does get better..in 10 years time you may look back and laugh if you remember this worry. :)
You are maybe worried somebody will say you are gay but if they did, would u suddenly leave ur husband? No. Just relax a bit anxiety is horrible but it does get better.
Hi Phil
Yeah it's horrible that fact the thoughts become almost real in your head. I know rationally that when i spend any more than a day with this person she actually starts to irritate me lol. But then when i'm anxious my mind says there's a fine line between love and hate etc etc. The mind is a powerful thing.
God i'm 30 years old, married, settled, happy but when i go through bouts of anxiety it completely takes over!:blush:
Just say you did one day say you were gay? I bet if you acted on it you would not be worrying at the time would you? It's all what If's. I've had alot of good advice on hear and some less helpful as it's hard to say how you feel. I even read up online on HOCD as people recommended it and I seen the same conspiracy that it's not HOCD and stuff like that.
End of the day anxiety can't change you I find I act all funny and check myself, check how I walk when the HOCD comes on but when it's not there I just think about normal things so if you were gay...you would be like "This is great and I want more" and it would all be good, passionate stuff but the key here is the intensive worry if you have a look at the OCD page on the left hand side of the page it has helpful advice on these obsessions and I found seeing it all written down made me accept it was anxiety.
It's also not a common form of OCD but it has the same worrying pattern as any other. I still find it hard to understand and sometimes say "What if I will be gay in another life" better that than now because I want a nice woman. What made me more anxious was because the dating scene has been slow for me which was making me anxious because I wasn't round nice woman as much as I'd like.
One I'm with a nice woman these thoughts barely get a chance to linger.
No i love my husband dearly. He's my perfect man. I have told him my worries that i am gay (not the friend bit though) and he says it's worrying about something that's not really there, which at the end of the day is anxiety. I'm just hoping over time the thoughts will fade. I think your right in saying that if i was gay i would have been trying stuff on with women long before now because that would be my natural orientation and natural to me.:hugs:
No i love my husband dearly. He's my perfect man. I have told him my worries that i am gay (not the friend bit though) and he says it's worrying about something that's not really there, which at the end of the day is anxiety. I'm just hoping over time the thoughts will fade. I think your right in saying that if i was gay i would have been trying stuff on with women long before now because that would be my natural orientation and natural to me.:hugs:
The key is to understand anxiety and how it affects me. If it gets bad talk to a friend or get some counseling it can sometimes help. They say anxiety gets bad when it affects your daily life so you learn how to manage it. At Least you have the support of your husband. Do you find when you are with him and the HOCD/Anxiety is not there that it's all good? happy attraction ect..? (if so that's challenging negative thoughts) I know that's how I feel when I had my last g.f.
The thing I am trying to learn with anxiety is why these thoughts seem so real? perhaps somebody can help on that one?
Everybody probably has these thoughts I've heard of people experimenting/worrying/fearing but it doesn't pray on there mind like people with anxiety. The key here is worry which is anxiety, the obsessive pattern comes from OCD and the checking is the compulsions. A vicious cycle as you said.
Nobody can say for sure I guess but if you relax the anxiety goes which i am sure it is. I am trying to get over all this also. Best thing is to clear your mind doing something you can relax with and think logical, you have a husband you are happy, you have been together ages and just enjoy the moment. Life is to short to worry what if.
I know how you feel exactly because for 6 months it has been my biggest worry. I guess I should read my own posts back for advice so it shows you I know what I am about and when I post that crap, it's anxiety making me worry and question myself and if I am going mad.
I was once told on here if I was going mad I would not be posting on here (I would be too busy going mad/smashing things up or mad stuff) But I'm not i'm in a anxious state so put this here now if you were really gay you would be too busy finding out how good it was to worry about stuff and post on here.
Sorry, didn't really read all of the post because I have to go to bed soon but I am in a similar situation maybe.
I'm a guy, straight, but I felt like I had a crush on my guy teacher this one time, and I think hes really "hot" looking... Lol But, the thought of being with, kissing, or anything like that with a guy is gross to me. I do find some guys really hot but nothing more. Plus I'm sort of metrosexual, dress good, hairstyling, like romance movies, shopping, but I'm far from wanting another guy as a boyfriend. I love women.:)
I guess i'm just finding my anxiety a little overwhelming at this point and it's focusing in on something that's really scary to me. I love my husband sooooooooooooooooooo much.
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