View Full Version : I want to end it all
Hi,
I am new to this forum and just wanted to talk to other people who understand what I am going through.
I am tired of living, tired of having to live my life for others. I want to end it all but I get told think how it would effect your son/partner/parents/friends. So its okay for me to live my life feeling so dreadful but not ok to stop this mental pain I feel every day because of the effect it would have on others. Some people say people who commit suicude are selfish how about those who want the suicidal to carry on living are they not selfidh too?
I have had a few good weeks and now, well now I feel I am at the bottom of the dark pit I have tried so fervently to climb out of. Its like depression was standing at the opening of the pit waiting to kick me back down into its abyss. I feel so sick, i can't think straight, I am tired, I feel trapped with this illness, I can't escape my thoughts for one moment. I am trapped, trapped within my mind. I thought I was getting better and noe this. I feel such a failure. Why can't I just be happy.
nomorepanic
30-05-05, 20:40
Hi Kazza
Welcome aboard the forum.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment and can't see how life can get better.
Do you suffer from Depression or do you have panic attacks and anxiety as well? Are you on any meds for it or getting any professional help for it?
Are you living alone or do you have some support at home that can help you as well?
Happiness has to come from within and I know that is not easy atall. I suffered from Depression when I was at my worst and I know that I didn't want to live anymore - I couldn't see the point! But I slowly picked myself up and decided that I did want to live and I did want to get better. It was hard work and I was on Prozac which helped a lot.
There is a way forward with this so please stick around and we will help you all we can.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Kazza
Sorry to hear you feel so bad, poor you. I had bad depression too, and felt tired of living too, I know exactly what you mean about being at the bottom of the dark pit, at the time I wouldn't believe in a way out or hope.
I want you to know that you're not alone with this and we can sympathise and understand. I deeply hope that we can help you go thru this, just bear with us , ok?
Take care .
Florence.
**Don't believe everything you think .**
josiepickle
30-05-05, 20:54
Kazza,
Please try and stay positive, the members on this site really can help you thru these dark dark days. I don't tend to respond to many postings , I just selfishly use the forum as a sounding off board, but I realy saw myself in you and I know that if I can pull myself back you can too.
Thinking of you tonite (coz I prob won't be asleep)
Jo xx
Thank you all for your kind words. It is nice to know that there are others out there who know what I am talking about and understand my feelings. I am so often told by my family to "snap out of it" or "just get over it". If it was that easy of course I would snap out of it but it isn't.
I do suffer from anxiety. I am on medication: 150mg of venlafaxine a day. I live with my partner and my son. I try to cope so that my boy isn't affected by my depression but he does see me cry sometimes but he only shows concern, he is not frightened of my tears. He often just comforts me.
Welcome aboard Kazza!! :)
Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time at the moment. Have you tried taking medication or tried counselling for your depression?
Everyone here is very friendly and I'm sure you will receive loads of good advice and support. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have.
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
nomorepanic
30-05-05, 21:11
Kazza
The worst thing you can tell a sufferer to do is "pull yourself together" or "get over it". I know how annoying that is!!
That is great that you have some support at home from your partner and son.
How are you finding the venlafaxine - is is helping atall?
I think sometimes we need to find things to make us feel happier cos it doesn't always come easily. We have to look at the positives that we have and work with them - like your son.
I don't know whether you have been offered any counselling like CBT but that can help enormously too.
Let's hope we can offer you some support on here anyway.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
I thought the venlafaxine was working but then I have I seem to have hit rock bottom again. i have started attending CBT sessions so I hope they will help, I just feel so tired at the momet have no interest in anything and nothing i do brings me enjoyment!
I do have a question? Does anyone have any suggestion for what can help my mood as I approach the "time of the month".
Hi Kazza
Welcome to the forum. I too suffer from depression and have been at the bottom of that pit many times. I've felt suicidal many times and have been going through a particularly bad patch recently where there hasn't seemed to be any other way to escape the despair.
Being told to "snap out of it" doesn't help at all, although I have also been told this by members of my family and others in the past. If it were that easy no one would suffer from depression.
Although I realise it is extremely difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel at times, try to hold onto the knowledge that you can have times where you feel a little better and with help and support you can build on these. It is the depression that blocks hope and any positive thoughts of recovery.
Depression causes confusion and 'black and white' thinking. It makes you believe that you are either stuck right at the bottom of the pit, and the opposite of this is feeling on top of the world - which is obviously difficult to imagine when feeling so low. However, there are many shades of grey in between and it is a matter of slowly building up to starting to enjoy things again and being able to recognise the good things in life.
Being made to feel guilty for having thoughts of suicide does not help. It is true that your family would be extremely upset if you were to act on these thoughts, however you need to find what it is for you that enables you to hold on. I suffer a lot of guilt myself about the times I want to end my life because the pain is too much to bear. I think of how much I would hurt my family and still this isn't enough to stop me considering it. The one thing that keeps me holding on is a special friend. Whenever I feel like giving in I think of her and try to imagine what she would be saying if she were here with me.
I am glad you have started CBT and hope this helps you. It might also be an idea to see your doctor and explain that the medication is no longer helping as the doctor might be able to make some adjustments to this.
We will do all we can to help and support you through this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Kazza
You are not alone in how you feel and i understand how hard it is for you.
It hurts, is painful and feels like you are prolonging the inevitable, but somewhere it comes to gives you relief and like it did for me it will for you.
Although hard dont give in hun and let us help you. A winner takes the medal but a loser takes away experience for the next time, so what did the winner gain apart from winning and gaining a medal. Nothing but the loser gained realisation and a will to get better.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to say how good it is to be in the company of those who understand what I am feeling and experiencing. It is so wonderful to be understood by you all. I made it through another night and hope I can get through tonight ok too.
Much love to you all
Kazza xx
Hi Kazza
You can get through it even though I know how hard it is at times.
Just take things slowly and get through an hour at a time when you are feeling really low. Try not to worry about tomorrow or the next day, just concentrate on the here and now.
You can make it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi kazza,
You know there is even a upside to feeling like you want to end it all. This is the fact that your not afraid of death. unilke most people on this forum who are afraid of death and feeling ill thus giving them most of there anxiety in the first place. you are different and have no fear of death and feel like you can get no worse on the illness side of things..
Now i see that as a advantage as even the little steps of feeling better are massive leaps to someone at the absolute bottom of there tether. People might not agree with me on this but i think its totally true what im saying anxiety is caused by something you are frightened by or that worries you. you havent got these feelings obviously or you wouldnt be at the point of ending it all. You really must be a very strong person inside and all you need to try and do is take back control of your life. think of where you have come from ,and i would say its impossible not to move forward. Life is so short to sit there not enjoying it, you may aswell give it the best bash you can. at the end of the day what is the worst that can happen (you cant feel any worse) so try going to the other side of the spectrum and start feeling great again
Hope you find your strength to say sod it to all the badness and lift yourself above it. dont climb out of that dark pit jump out of it
Lots of love and best wishes
Flinty !!
Hi Kazza,
I have just been reading through this thread and have been admiring some of the replies!
I do not have expereince of 'severe' depression, so cannot feel the anguish you are going through.
But the fact that you have just started a course of CBT is a positive sign - you have taken action to try make yourself better so that tells me you actually want to continue and one day start to enjoy some of the things that life can give you.
Many of us here go through a fair amount of pain and suffering and certainly have times when our world goes a very dark grey. But then we realise the odd chink of light, and its these brighter moments we must try and focus on.
I am touched that your son also comforts you. I think he will always be there for you.
The tougher the journey, the greater the success...
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Kazza,
You mentioned in your first post that you had been feelign much better before this bout came on. I know how much of a let-down it is when you have a relapse...but hold on to the good times. You were there, and you will get there again!!! Particularly with the help of this forum and the CBT, things can only start to look up!!!
xxxLisa
Hi Kazza,
I too have been through some terrible periods of depression over the years and have also felt that the only way out would be to end it all.
But, you will again have better days. The dark clouds will lift and you will slowly start to enjoy the odd hour, the odd day here and there. I know when you are so depressed it is impossible to think that things will ever improve, but they will. We are all here for you.
Love Kate x
Hi Kazza
How are you getting on. You are not alone and we are all here to help you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Andrew Sinclair
09-06-05, 22:04
Hi Kazza,
I have sufferred clinical deppression for 5 years now, my dark times have been suicidal, but my happy times have been the best times of my life, all that i am trying to say is, these are ends of the spectrum, and unfortunately we have to go through them, there will be times when all goes along so smoothly for so long that you think you have recovered, but then Bang! down you go again, but look back if you can and remember the good times, even write a happy diary, it does help, the suicidal moments wo'nt linger as long.
Look at that the positive things you have done, such as going to see the doc, and going for CBT, you are so much stronger than you know.
It really is a hard fight, but its worth it, and everyone on here cares too.
Remmber that you must take time out every now and again, and treat yourself, this really works, and helps you to like yourself too, this is NOT selfish, this helps you to understand that you want to win this fight.
Hope happy times are just ahead, and i really do feel for you.
Andrew.S.
chucklehound
10-06-05, 06:56
Hi Kazza, Depression is such a scary thing. I had it badly too but you can overcome it. If like you say you were getting better then just believe that you can and will again. It just sounds like you have had a llittle relapse (we all do). You are on the right site for support because every1 is really helpful.
c.jackson
bluebottle
10-06-05, 09:38
Hi Kazza,
Firstly, your not unusual and a typical depression sufferer. Everyone thinks about suicide, even people who aren't depressed, at some time or another.
If you can try and get Dorothy Rowe's book "Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison".
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/158391286X/qid=1118392612/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_2_1/026-9195920-9032431
It is a great source of support and inspiration.
--
Blue
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
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