henri
02-06-05, 00:04
hi everyone,
i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm doing really well, have pretty much finished my CBT course, am back to work as normal, going to morocco with my boyfriend on friday, haven't had a panic attack in ages, only need to take diazepam in tiny doses every couple of weeks.
the list of good things goes on and i should be feeling strong but i'm not. i wake up feeling okay by but the end of the day i'm a wreck, struggling to not let my panic rage out of control. i've got a few things coming up over the next few weeks (driving test, cousin's wedding etc) and maybe thinking about those things is stressing me out. but what is really worrying me is that i'm going to be like this forever, always having to battle panic and anxiety and what scares me the most is that i won't be strong enough to do it, the older i get.
i just wish i could be 'normal' and didn't have to deal with this. it's almost worse now that i'm better, it's as if i don't have a focus or aim like i did when i was really bad and i'm tired of having to use my coping strategies. i'm running out of patience.
on a separate issue, a couple of people in my family have recently died from or have been diagnosed with cancer and it scares me so much. i'm not scared that i'm going to get it, i'm scared that more people that i love are going to get it and die. i have tears pouring down my face just writing this - i don't know wny it affects me so deeply. even watching someone die on tv just now really upset me (and it's not even my time of the month!!). am i depressed? i just don't know.
part of me knows i'm being ridiculous and a bit self-indulgent but i'm feeling really lost and i don't know what to do. i'm hoping that you lot might be able to cheer me up or give me some tips on where to go from here.
sorry for rambling on and on!
henri x
i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm doing really well, have pretty much finished my CBT course, am back to work as normal, going to morocco with my boyfriend on friday, haven't had a panic attack in ages, only need to take diazepam in tiny doses every couple of weeks.
the list of good things goes on and i should be feeling strong but i'm not. i wake up feeling okay by but the end of the day i'm a wreck, struggling to not let my panic rage out of control. i've got a few things coming up over the next few weeks (driving test, cousin's wedding etc) and maybe thinking about those things is stressing me out. but what is really worrying me is that i'm going to be like this forever, always having to battle panic and anxiety and what scares me the most is that i won't be strong enough to do it, the older i get.
i just wish i could be 'normal' and didn't have to deal with this. it's almost worse now that i'm better, it's as if i don't have a focus or aim like i did when i was really bad and i'm tired of having to use my coping strategies. i'm running out of patience.
on a separate issue, a couple of people in my family have recently died from or have been diagnosed with cancer and it scares me so much. i'm not scared that i'm going to get it, i'm scared that more people that i love are going to get it and die. i have tears pouring down my face just writing this - i don't know wny it affects me so deeply. even watching someone die on tv just now really upset me (and it's not even my time of the month!!). am i depressed? i just don't know.
part of me knows i'm being ridiculous and a bit self-indulgent but i'm feeling really lost and i don't know what to do. i'm hoping that you lot might be able to cheer me up or give me some tips on where to go from here.
sorry for rambling on and on!
henri x