snaillord
11-10-08, 20:04
Hi there,
In a similar vein to lots of other contributors, I have come to a breaking point in my life where I am forced to address things that I do that are beginning to get out of control. Since I was a teenager I have suffered from depression, at various times I have managed to lessen or increase the symptoms. As I was quite shy in acknowledging the full extent of my depression, I sought only cursory medical support, and only told my friends what I was comfortable about admitting. This isolation decreased as many associated 'issues' improved in my mid-20s, I managed to find ways to curb my comfort eating, I found ways to stop getting in the way of my own happiness, and I finally managed to have a proper relationship. Up until this point I had been infamous for disappearing from parties and club sessions because I convinced myself into a state of gloom and bitterness. For about 3 years this new found confidence meant that my depression alleviated, and I was almost operating on a (yes that dreaded word) 'normal' level. Then I got into a truely deep and loving realtionship, one in which I was fully consumed, whilst I simultaneously took on more and more professional work. This combination began to eat away at me, as I became paranoid and heavily self-doubting, asking myself a huge number of 'what if' questions about my relationship, having violent thoughts about harming my partner, ritualising many activities so that I felt at least I had control over them. In effect the stress of the work, and the depth of the love I enjoyed (I am a very sensitive soul, and I take negative comments rather too much to heart) made me face huge emotional and mental challenges that my mindset couldn't cope with. Needless to say my relationship is now over, I am feeling more desperate than ever, I face whole evenings of going over small incidents in our history and trying to rationalise where I went wrong, and doubting if my partner ever really loved me and I her. I am finding that I am spending so much time obsessing over these minute points, that I lose focus on a larger picture- namely finding a positive way out of this state, getting to a place where I can stop hating myself, and then begin to love who I am and what I bring to people's lives. As my ex says, there is nothing more attractive than someone who is happy not to be in a relationship, because if they get together with you it is out of choice not some form of insecurity or anxious need to be with anyone. At this moment in time I am riding my nerves and my body so hard, that I have insomnia, I am losing weight through not eating and I normally have at least one hour of crying/ internalised debating each day. My ex-partner has been fantastic, she is a real rock, and painful though some of our history must be, she is helping me to see that I am not inherently bad, it is just that I get into a mindset in which I lose perspective and obsess on small pointless details. These obsessions lead onto self-destructive thoughts, in which I imagine killing my pets/ex/friends/anything that would be socially unacceptable and isolating. I have been in such a negative state of mind, self-bashing, that I find it difficult to remember any of the good times that we shared, so talking with her has helped. However, she has a new partner, so she cannot (rightly) be there for me all the time. I need help, I cannot seek a new relationship whilst I am this messed up, I am mentally overwhelmed with thoughts that spiral out of proportion, I spend hours just sat thinking myself into submission, I need to love who I am and just accept that life is as it is. (I am rambling now as I am getting quite anxious- sorry).
It was a work related training session this year that first alerted me to OCD and related anxiety issues. Whilst sat listening I suddenly felt as if someone was at least in part describing a large part of my life thus far. The 'depression' that I suffered always spiralled from ever more negative thoughts, well removed from the initial catalyst. My more recent behaviour, in which these thought patterns, angry/violent compulsions and more worrying obsessions about being a rapist or paedophile (this is the first time I have admitted this) and coping strategies that involve ritualised masturbation, eating the same food and drink each day, obsessively viewing 2 or 3 websites (often viewing the same content over and over) as a means to stop me thinking- as I knew what I would do if I felt at a loose end... All of these activities (including use of of cannibis to numb my thinking) I can now see, are just means to shut my mind up, because when I am 'left alone' with it, we are so mutually destructive. I hate this. My ex says I am a wonderful person, giving and thoughtful, and I need to understand this, because I am just fixated on all the negatives and mistakes, the things that I think I failed to control (or often controlled too much).
I can now see the seeds of my issues in the behaviour of my parents, I was always afraid of my dad's temper, he would often go days without speaking to anyone, leaving us all in the dark about what he was thinking. This vacuum was where I started building obsessions about his unhappiness being my fault (as first born, I felt this acutely), and my fear of his temper (not often physical, but one that had a strong effect on my social inwardness) made sure that I found it difficult to articulate my own concerns and issues. My mother chalk to my dad's cheese, is so outward and chatty, but I think she talks as a means of shutting up her own mind's internalised debates, a way of coping with my dad's silences. They inevitably divorced when I was 21. The relatively recent death of my mum's parents (my grandparents- who were one of the emotional refuges that I took to, and always felt safe and loved) has seen her not deal with their deaths by being more outgoing, telling even more exagerated tales and generally always having something to say on any topic. Equally I spend evenings crying uncontrollably at their loss, as I obsess about whether they loved me, and also whether they knew how much I loved them. I am not 'well adjusted' in many senses, but I cope. I just need to be able to enjoy life more, take it much less seriously, and know the person my friends tell me that I am. I will mess things up, but I do this because I am a human being, and this is a common issue with that model. I think I have the best intentions, I just need to know this and not doubt my motivations. Now I am near the end of this initial introduction, I am feeling less burdened, I hope I can be as much help to others as I am sure many of you will be to me.
Thank you for reading.
In a similar vein to lots of other contributors, I have come to a breaking point in my life where I am forced to address things that I do that are beginning to get out of control. Since I was a teenager I have suffered from depression, at various times I have managed to lessen or increase the symptoms. As I was quite shy in acknowledging the full extent of my depression, I sought only cursory medical support, and only told my friends what I was comfortable about admitting. This isolation decreased as many associated 'issues' improved in my mid-20s, I managed to find ways to curb my comfort eating, I found ways to stop getting in the way of my own happiness, and I finally managed to have a proper relationship. Up until this point I had been infamous for disappearing from parties and club sessions because I convinced myself into a state of gloom and bitterness. For about 3 years this new found confidence meant that my depression alleviated, and I was almost operating on a (yes that dreaded word) 'normal' level. Then I got into a truely deep and loving realtionship, one in which I was fully consumed, whilst I simultaneously took on more and more professional work. This combination began to eat away at me, as I became paranoid and heavily self-doubting, asking myself a huge number of 'what if' questions about my relationship, having violent thoughts about harming my partner, ritualising many activities so that I felt at least I had control over them. In effect the stress of the work, and the depth of the love I enjoyed (I am a very sensitive soul, and I take negative comments rather too much to heart) made me face huge emotional and mental challenges that my mindset couldn't cope with. Needless to say my relationship is now over, I am feeling more desperate than ever, I face whole evenings of going over small incidents in our history and trying to rationalise where I went wrong, and doubting if my partner ever really loved me and I her. I am finding that I am spending so much time obsessing over these minute points, that I lose focus on a larger picture- namely finding a positive way out of this state, getting to a place where I can stop hating myself, and then begin to love who I am and what I bring to people's lives. As my ex says, there is nothing more attractive than someone who is happy not to be in a relationship, because if they get together with you it is out of choice not some form of insecurity or anxious need to be with anyone. At this moment in time I am riding my nerves and my body so hard, that I have insomnia, I am losing weight through not eating and I normally have at least one hour of crying/ internalised debating each day. My ex-partner has been fantastic, she is a real rock, and painful though some of our history must be, she is helping me to see that I am not inherently bad, it is just that I get into a mindset in which I lose perspective and obsess on small pointless details. These obsessions lead onto self-destructive thoughts, in which I imagine killing my pets/ex/friends/anything that would be socially unacceptable and isolating. I have been in such a negative state of mind, self-bashing, that I find it difficult to remember any of the good times that we shared, so talking with her has helped. However, she has a new partner, so she cannot (rightly) be there for me all the time. I need help, I cannot seek a new relationship whilst I am this messed up, I am mentally overwhelmed with thoughts that spiral out of proportion, I spend hours just sat thinking myself into submission, I need to love who I am and just accept that life is as it is. (I am rambling now as I am getting quite anxious- sorry).
It was a work related training session this year that first alerted me to OCD and related anxiety issues. Whilst sat listening I suddenly felt as if someone was at least in part describing a large part of my life thus far. The 'depression' that I suffered always spiralled from ever more negative thoughts, well removed from the initial catalyst. My more recent behaviour, in which these thought patterns, angry/violent compulsions and more worrying obsessions about being a rapist or paedophile (this is the first time I have admitted this) and coping strategies that involve ritualised masturbation, eating the same food and drink each day, obsessively viewing 2 or 3 websites (often viewing the same content over and over) as a means to stop me thinking- as I knew what I would do if I felt at a loose end... All of these activities (including use of of cannibis to numb my thinking) I can now see, are just means to shut my mind up, because when I am 'left alone' with it, we are so mutually destructive. I hate this. My ex says I am a wonderful person, giving and thoughtful, and I need to understand this, because I am just fixated on all the negatives and mistakes, the things that I think I failed to control (or often controlled too much).
I can now see the seeds of my issues in the behaviour of my parents, I was always afraid of my dad's temper, he would often go days without speaking to anyone, leaving us all in the dark about what he was thinking. This vacuum was where I started building obsessions about his unhappiness being my fault (as first born, I felt this acutely), and my fear of his temper (not often physical, but one that had a strong effect on my social inwardness) made sure that I found it difficult to articulate my own concerns and issues. My mother chalk to my dad's cheese, is so outward and chatty, but I think she talks as a means of shutting up her own mind's internalised debates, a way of coping with my dad's silences. They inevitably divorced when I was 21. The relatively recent death of my mum's parents (my grandparents- who were one of the emotional refuges that I took to, and always felt safe and loved) has seen her not deal with their deaths by being more outgoing, telling even more exagerated tales and generally always having something to say on any topic. Equally I spend evenings crying uncontrollably at their loss, as I obsess about whether they loved me, and also whether they knew how much I loved them. I am not 'well adjusted' in many senses, but I cope. I just need to be able to enjoy life more, take it much less seriously, and know the person my friends tell me that I am. I will mess things up, but I do this because I am a human being, and this is a common issue with that model. I think I have the best intentions, I just need to know this and not doubt my motivations. Now I am near the end of this initial introduction, I am feeling less burdened, I hope I can be as much help to others as I am sure many of you will be to me.
Thank you for reading.