Dissertation due Friday and I really can't do it!! what's wrong with me?

[befuddled1]

So... the saga of my dissertation is a very long and boring story but basically it was given me as an assignment a year ago and I made a big old mess of completing it. I have always been a last minute person but it has come to be a real problem on this course (which is postgrad).
My research supervisor was worried from at least November last year that I wasn't getting on enough with it. She obviously works very differently to me and doesn't understand my way of working.
I would meet with her, she would ask what I'd done
I'd be scared too say in case it wasn't enough
She would express concern that it wasn't enough
I would feel confused at why she was so concerned so early on
I would go away and try to do the work but the deadline felt too far away
I would end up in a panic, needing to do something for the next meeting with my supervisor for fear of what she might say/think
I'd end up not doing anything
I'd make up excuses and lie at the meeting
She'd express her concern and the cycle would continue

I'm not complaining about her. Some things she may have done better but in many ways she was very good because she was at least attentive and even noticed when I was a bit depressed.
But basically in the end, I didn't do the work in time, and was told to hand something in and fail it and then bring it up to passing standard. That felt very wrong, but I handed in something incomplete and failed and now, having avoided it some more for a week or two, I have to hand in something that will pass by Friday.
And guess what? I'm still not doing it.
What is this? Is it anxiety, cause I don't feel anxious right now. Is it avoidance? Is it about my depressive symptoms - lack of motivation. Or has it just become such a big deal that I can no longer face it. I honestly feel ok, but I honestly shouldn't because I'm not getting on with it and today was the last full day I had to do it. I will only have minimal time in the evenings for the next three days and I need to hand it in on Thursday for Friday.
My tutors think that I am somehow dealing with the problem in counselling I think but I am not because I have other things that feel way more important. I'm still trotting along as if somehow I'll get by like I always do but what if I don't. I may be about to fail a two year course and I lose my career and I'm still not doing anything about it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

[kendo59]

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with you.

You may just not be cut out for a post-grad qualification.
It isn't the end of the world. You still have your degree.
Be proud of what you HAVE achieved, and don't push yourself past your limits if it's going to just stress you out.

I don't know how old you are, or if you've been studying for years withut a break, but have you considered taking a gap year (or even a couple of years out) and reconsidering whether a post-grad qualification is really that important, or if you would be happier doing something different?

[nickieb]

Honey

I hope so much you can get this done..just think it will be such a big release then as all the major work is done. Give it your best shot xxxx

[befuddled1]

Thank you nickieb
And kendo:
I do have the capacity to do the work. I am well able to do it and I could have done it well. I didn't fail because of the standard of my work, I failed because I hadn't been doing the work because I was avoiding it. I have already done another postgrad course and got through that. If it was just an academic course I wouldn't mind quite so much but it is leading on to a career that I truly am suited to. All my placements have gone very well, it has been the university side of things I have had struggled with. I'm not willing to accept that I'm not suited to the course. I would feel gutted if people on the course thought that. I very much hope that my tutors recognise I have had legitimate problems which have prevented me doing my work well and that I do take the course seriously and will be good at what I do when I qualify. I am fearful of the idea they would not take on another student like me.
It is just a shame that the course requires the dissertation which is not really very related to the work I will ultimately do. I guess in posting on here I was just looking for reassurance that the problem I have had is a legitimate one. The thing is that if I get the work done ok now, it might look like I could have done that ages ago and I don't want people to think I'm a fraud. I want them to believe I do have extra issues with my work that others don't, if they don't believe it, I don't think I can believe it.

[Cathy V]

My daughter is at uni at the moment studying law. I support her every step of the way but, if at the end of her three years, she waits until 3 days before her final offering is due to be handed in, i will go absolutely barmey. Because i will know that instead of getting down to doing whats expected of her, shes been spending too much time with her pals, or sleeping late and missing lectures etc. She is there to do this degree course, and do it she will....or she can leave and stop wasting everyones time.

A student from her law course left midway through a semester last year because she got bored, and apparently this was her 3rd university. Daddy of course paid everything for her, bailed her out constantly.

And you're right, there are key workers and counsellors and tutors to help every step of the way too. So it begs the question...why is it so hard?

Sorry if this sounds so uncaring but im looking at it from a parents point of view. I do though, wish you luck xxx :)

[befuddled1]

I understand that you're seeing this from a parent's point of view, Cathy V but you're post has made me a bit angry. This is what really upsets me, that people think I'm just making a fuss and that I could do the work quite well if I wanted to. I put my post on because I wanted reassurance but right now I want to cry. I know you haven't meant to say anything to upset me and I think it's just that I haven't explained more fully why I have had trouble with this piece of work. It is most definitely not the case that I am out having fun, and spending time with friends rather than doing it. I have spent hours and hours in my room or at uni trying to do it but I seem to have some kind of psychological wall that I can't get over most of the time. I had hoped my posts didn't portray me as someone making a fuss about something she could easily do if she just stopped complaining.
I don't know what else to say. I feel so stumped. This is exactly my problem. I'm stuck in this place where I want to get on with my work, but getting on with it means facing what I haven't done and feeling absolutely rubbish about myself for not having done it. But it is NOT that I haven't spent ages and ages trying. I just want to feel that I haven't made a big mess of it for no good reason and then I can get on with it. I hope very much that you can understand. I have not in any way 'waited' until 3 days before it is due to be handed in to do it. That suggests a sort of arrogance that I really do not have. I want to do it, I want very much to do it.
My parents are not paying anything towards my degree and I would like to think I am not wasting anyone's time because I hope to qualify and work as a good professional as I indicated in my other post. I'd appreciate any other responses.

[kendo59]

befuddled,
you say "I do have the capacity to do the work. I am well able to do it and I could have done it well. I didn't fail because of the standard of my work, I failed because I hadn't been doing the work...I'm not willing to accept that I'm not suited to the course.... I was just looking for reassurance that the problem I have had is a legitimate one."

It may help us understand the problem if you could explain what you think are the core reasons you have been unable to the work. I mean, if you've had a year, and waited until 3 days before it is due, what actually has prevented you making any progress all this time? What exactly are the legitimate reasons that you've been unable to do any of the work?

Have you spoken to your course tutor or school counsellor about your problems? They may give you extra time, if you can show that you are committed to the course.

[Cathy V]

Many apologies to you for making you angry. Youve obviously got your degree through doing things at the last minute and youve said yourself that this is the way it works best for you. I also apologise for giving you the impression that i was suggesting you spend all your time with your pals...i did say i was referring to my daughter. But if its not because you're out socialising or watching tv or playing comp games or whatever, then maybe its just too difficult to do this post-grad course?

I guess i should have just sent you a hug instead of an opinion, sorry :hugs:

[befuddled1]

It may help us understand the problem if you could explain what you think are the core reasons you have been unable to the work and what are the legitimate reasons that you've not done the work?

Thank you for your responses CathyV and kendo. I do appreciate that we are carrying on this conversation but I'm also finding it very hard because I was actually just hoping for some support. I have a lot of trouble believing in myself and it helps me when others say they believe I can do it. Maybe this is not how I should handle the situation but right now I'm looking for anything that HELPS me to get on.
I'm not sure why I can't do it. I find it hard to give one particular reason although I have lists of many. I have a lot of anxiety about it and when I come to do it I find there are just so many little different bits to worry about that I become anxious and so I end up avoiding again. Just before it was due in I was struggling with a lot of death anxiety and feeling that life was meaningless. It was hard to see ahead even a day let alone to a time when I would finish my course and be practising, because life seemed so fragile and unpredictable. If you could die at any moment what is they point in feeling bad at all? Feeling bad (i.e. anxious) for long term gains is not an option when you cannot see the long term. I have had a tough time with this. I don't think I am unsuited to my course, it is more the case that I am unsuited to life. Some people do their work at the last minute that's just how they work. I have done it for years but don't want to any more because it (for me) is too stressful. So just do it earlier then I hear you say. Which makes me recoil, if it were that easy then I would.
I don't want to defend myself any more. Maybe you are right, I don't have legitimate reasons, it's not just anxious avoidance. I am just not good enough. great.
Anyone experienced anything like this?
I don't understand why I am being questioned rather than offered support I really must be pants. Sorry to sound like a mardy teenager. I'll probably regret this.

[kendo59]

I apologise if in trying to understand your problem in order to offer constructive support, it feels as if I'm questioning you. It was not my intention to make you feel defensive.

I'm sure you'll do well. All the best.

[befuddled1]

It's ok kendo, I didn't really mean to get defensive. It's just that a big part of my problem is self-doubt. I'm so worried that it looks like/ others will think I'm just lazy and not good enough that it stops me getting on. I'm in a constant state of trying to keep up a good opinion of myself because without it I can't believe in my capacity to do the work which I do have as I've done these things many times before. I'm sorry I got frustrated.
I would still really like to hear from anyone who's experienced similar.

P.S. as you can probably tell I'm not so good at handling criticism or what I (mistakenly) percieve as criticism, think it's related to social anxiety

[kendo59]

I understand. I've got a leaking shed roof that I've been meaning to fix all summer, thinking there's plenty of time before the bad weather sets in... and now we're half-way through October and it's still not done.

What is it they say? "Procrastination is the thief of Time".

I think it is difficult to find sufficient motivation, when one suffers from depression.

[sheena]

Dont feel pants..

I studied for 3 years to get my degree (mature student) then I went straight onto the social work degree. I am a perfectionist and really worked hard to get the grades that I did like I am sure you have.

I found in my last year of the social work degree - I was out on placement as well that I was having a real bad time with my disseratation. Like you I had all the information I needed but the whole think just looked to huge. I ended up just researching and researching for information that I already had and in the end like you I just could not face it anymore. I was not letting my practice tutor and my uni tutor aware of what was going on and did not realise that I was getting more anxious and depressed until wham the panic attacks started and I started to doubt myself.

I eventually was signed off sick by my doctor. Everything just built up. meetings were arranged for quite a few times and each time I would get massive panic attacks and not be able to get to them.

I was in touch with my uni tutor by email and I eventually spilled the beans and told her exactly what was going on with me and that I would have to defer and redo my last year's placement when I was better and obviously tackle my dissertation.

I think it might be best if you were honest with your tutor and tell her how you are stuggling. Don't feel like you are a failure,like you say it is not that you have not been working on your dissertation. You sound like you have been working so hard, that like me, you have burnt yourself out. Maybe you need time away from your studies you can't keep pushing and pushing yourself.

Please be honest with yourself and then you can be honest with your tutor.

I hope I have been of help to you as I feel you pain having been there and as they say worn the t-shirt.

Sheena

[Casey]

Hi befuddled. Is it possible for you to suspend (defer) at this time? I teach at uni and I have a couple of pg students over the last 10 years who have suspended. Both of them did hand in eventually. For one of them she really did need the short break of not having the constant worry over it. 6 months later she handed in and all was good :) I do believe with that student if she didn't have the break she would not ever have handed in.
I'm sure like your tutors, we do care about our students a great deal and want them to succeed! You should keep them up to date as honestly as possible even though that can be difficult.
Casey xx

[befuddled1]

Thanks for your responses.
I'm just resurrecting this thread (despite being slightly embarassed by my previous moodiness on it!) because I am having a tough night. I planned to get the work done finally tonight but I was just exhausted after trying for half an hour. I was so paniced. Everything I did I felt like it might well be the wrong thing and looking at the list of things I had to do I just had no clue where to start. Part of me knows it is possible to get this done by Friday but part of me will worry worry worry that it's not possible which completely prevents me from getting on with it. I couldn't cope and had to go to bed. I want to get this thing done but I honestly can't see the point in suffering through it so much. I am calmer now so perhaps I will get some work done. I met with my research supervisor the other day and I just am very aware now of how she looked so angry with me. It is by no means her fault I'm in this position but I can't cope with her being so negative as if I've done something really wrong. The only person who suffers from my own mess really is me, so why is she so mad? I know it affects her too of course, since she had to supervise me and I didn't come up with the goods. I could go on and on about this but I won't. Going to make a cup of tea and hopefully do at least a little of the work. If I don't get any done tonight, tomorrow night may be hellish. :weep:
If I don't get it done by Friday I will have to retake the module and won't get my qualification for another year or so. I can't see that far ahead but I guess at some point it would upset me to do that.

[LeeBee]

Hi befuddled, I haven't thoroughly read through your whole thread, so I'm sorry if I'm going over old ground. Are you a long way from getting your dissertation finished, or does it just need some serious polishing? If the former, I would advise talking to your tutor or supervisor about a deferral. I've recently been working in a scholarship office for teacher education and we have students who postpone their studies through depression or anxiety all the time. If the latter, then perhaps it's not as bleak as you think. Is there someone on your course (or your research supervisor) who can go over with you what you have done to help you decide whether or not you've got a viable piece of work?

Academic work can be terribly, wrenchingly stressful. You're not alone in feeling the way you do.

[Veronica H]

Hi there
I am probably going to upset you but I have direct experience of this, so I hope it helps. I graduated in 2007 with a BSc 2.1 despite the fact that all course work indications were that I would have a 1st. The reason I didn't get it was because I hit the wall you describe on my end of course assessment. I ended up having to treat every one of the required elements as a separate assignment and then had to piece it together at the end. My husband gave me the best piece of advice at this time 'if you are going to eat an elephant you will have to cut it into small chunks'. ( I love Elephants by the way and would never eat one). I think I was subconsciously sabotaging myself looking back, as I think study had become my refuge from facing the anxiety and it was my comfort zone. (remember I am talking about me now, not you).You have to search deep inside yourself for the reason for this stand off. If you don't find it soon, then start cutting this elephant up anyway and get moving. Message me anytime, I really want this for you.

Veronica

[befuddled1]

Thanks for your posts LeeBee and Veronica H. I have a number of theories on the reasons for my 'stand off' and the idea that I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself does make quite a lot of sense. For some reason or other I crave the attention of my tutors a lot (think it links back to how things were for me at school perhaps?) and by making such a mess of this I get more of their attention. It's by no means an overt thing, but I wonder if subconciously all this trouble I'm having is kind of about a felt need for care/attention from them. Odd, I know. Your post didn't upset me at all VH and I really like the elephant analogy so thank you v much.
Tonight is really the final night that I can get this done. There will be no more time other than the next 8 hours or so to get the work finished. If it's not handed in tomorrow it will count as a non-submission, I will have to retake the whole module (which has lasted over a year) and worst of all (which is maybe not what I should care about) my tutors will think even less of me. So here I go with my final attempt. I don't know whether to try to get a couple of hours sleep before I try. I don't want to regret it if I end up in a panic later, however I'm really tired and have to be at work tomorrow so will need to get some if I can. It's truly CRUNCH time.

[cedlong]

Hello,

I an a TV editor and I teach media. If one of my students comes to me with a genuine health reason for not being able to submit work on time, then the College tries to accommodate the student. I don't know if you feel able to tell your tutor what you've said here, but you may find that your Uni can allow you an extension. That, at least, would solve the immediate problem.

Take care,
Chris

[Lila]

Hi I was just wondering if you suffer from depression as well as anxiety? A lot of times people with depression just cannot motivate to get things done even when they want to and know they can. You are obviously a smart person and you want to do this so maybe talking to someone (a therapist or the like) will help you find the tools you need to get done what needs to be done. I hope things work out for you and I wish you all the best. The fact you are aware is half the battle I would say so hang in there.

Lila x

[befuddled1]

I have depression and anxiety. Well, that's my label. I want to get the work done tonight. I have about five hours to go. Here I am though, avoiding it. If it makes me anxious I cannot face it. I really cannot. I was having a short sleep to help me get through but set my alarm wrong and slept for longer than I should. All I have to do is make this thing pass. While I was sleeping I dreamt first that a guy was pointing a gun at me and shooting without knowing if there were bullets in it. It was really horrible. I was pleading. And then I dreamt that the world was ending which was really really horrible. And now I have to do my work and I just don't care about it. I want it over and done with. I don't want my tutors to think I'm really awful but I don't want to spend the night feeling bad either. What a sorry-for-myself state I'm in? Really should pull it together if only I could flipping care.

[befuddled1]

It's done. I hope it will pass. You need hear me moan about it no more! Proper stressful day, got frustrated, angry, crazy, tearful. Now am tired. Thanks for all your responses.

[sheena]

Hi

Phew, I bet you you're glad that is all done and dusted.

Well done for finishing you dissertation. I hope you do get a good mark.

Sheena

[Veronica H]

:yahoo: Now you can have a good rest. Well done.

Veronica