How to get past this?

[ladybird64]

Hi all.

I did a post a week ago which sank without trace (these things happen!:winks: ) where I mentioned that I felt my anxiety about having a panic attack was getting the better of me. I have also come to realise that a large part of my nervousness about PA's, apart from feeling that I'm going to totally FREAK, is my vulnerability when they do happen, basically I'm scared of how people may react. Actually I'm scared that I may be robbed/attacked when it's happening as there are some rotten swines out in the big bad world.
Now I'm not the type to admit defeat but over these past few weeks I have had a feeling creeping up on me that this is as good as it gets. I don't think it's a relapse (not really sure:shrug: ) but it's like a calm acceptance of the fact that I will never be free of these attacks, if I'm worried about how others will react I don't know how to move forward..correction, I don't feel that I CAN move forward.
I haven't read my books (Claire Weekes) for a long time, haven't listened to the downloads..I'm afraid that I am practising "utter acceptance" of the fact that I have got this condition for life and that I'm only fooling myself by chucking all my energies into trying to fix it.
I know we all have our ups and downs but this particular "down" seems to be making the most sense to me at the moment.
I know there are good feelings to be had when I accomplish something but I feel like the fight has been knocked out of me..it was the fight that kept me going.
Am I alone in this?

[Meltdown]

Maybe this utter "acceptance" may be your saviour!

It is to a large extent the fear of having a panic attack which tends to keep them going - "what if I totally lose it?" "How will I get home if I have a really bad one?" "What happens if I get one whilst I'm driving?" These are the sort of thoughts I used to get a lot, and now get much less frequently.

Don't think that this is your lot, and that things will never improve. They can and will! - Maybe acceptance is just the first step?

[titchjd]

Hiya hun sorry your post got missed ....x

You definately arent a freak and people around you wont even know when you are having a panic attack .

Dont accept that this is how you will always be hun as yes you have 2 accaept them but accept that they wont hurt you or cause you any damage .

I understand fully as I 2 sometimes feel is this as good as it gets and will I always be like this will I always fear the fear and i dont know ,but I will carry on trying 2 get better and so should you hun ...dont be beaten by feelings and thoughts .

wishing you well
Titchjd xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[cazzamagui1]

hi ladybird ur not alone i feel the same there feels like theres no light at the end of the tunnel.....but i ave to stay positive sorry we ave to stay positive ...i find we have to get tough ...we want to beat this, we dont to be locked in this hell forever i sure as hell dont..... stay strong hard sometimes i no but were all here for each other take care xxxxxxxx caz :)

[minihaha]

hi ladybird, i just wanted to say that i do seem to be in the same place as you right now - with the acceptance struggle. I often wonder if i am working so hard to combat these feelings that i am using my energies in the wrong way if that makes sense. I feel that the energy i use on a daily basis to keep myself on the right tracks is what leads me to feel exhausted and vulnerable and more prone to anxiety. it really is a tough one. I think i fight so hard to be "normal" and i dont truly know what normal is any more. I hate this condition, i hate that for weeks i can truck along fine and then out of the blue this debilating feeling comes over me. I posted a couple of weeks back about accepting anxiety and i got some great advice from a couple of ppl on here. So for now i am trying to get the balance right......if i feel anxious i deal with it in the only way i can - i relax, take some time out and dont beat myself up over it. One thing i have learned though is not to ignore the anxiety or not give it credibility - i have done this for so long and all it did was to make my condiditon a secret and something i was ashamed of. Whilst i am not at the anxious and proud (lol....x) stage, i am definitely in a place where i dont feel i have to apologise for how i behave in certain situations. Say for example in the past if i was out shopping with a friend and i felt panicky, i used to push myslef to continue the trip, whereas now i feel confident enough to say to my friend, "sorry i need to take a break, its getting a bit crowded" or if i have to drive i say to my passenger "i dont feel up for the motorway today, how about we take a scenic route and stop for lunch"

The worst thing we can do is put pressure on ourselves to soldier on. I've done that for 4 years and more.

this might sound flippant but the other thing i do is remind myslef that i am not frightened of spiders, or the sight of blood or other "normal" fears - my fear is the fear of the fear....anxiety but hey thats ok xxxxxxxx

Take care and pm me if you want a chat
K x

[jenfromdenver]

my therapist keeps telling me once i accept this and stop fighting it it will get better, but i havent quite managed that yet. i keep thinking i have to stop it and clenching my fists and stomping around, but panic just eats that for breakfast and asks for seconds. she told me a story about a girl who was taking karate classes, and kept getting knocked down, and she kept getting frustrated and fighting and the more she got frustrated the more she got knocked down. so her teacher told her she needed to learn to love the mat. once you make peace with where you are it becomes that much easier to overcome. good advice.

if anyone figures out how to do that in real life, i'd love some pointers :D

in the meantime, just keep moving. focus on the accomplishments, even if they seem soo tiny you can barely see them. throw yourself a party. even teeny tiny steps count, you'll get there eventually.

[freakedout]

Hi ladybird,

I am sorry I missed your 'sunken' post but I felt compelled to reply to this as it struck a few chords.

I am currently seeing a psychologist and a few weeks ago he told me that I need to accept how I am, that I am who I am and that I have anxiety and panic attacks and depression. Well I felt like I had been smacked in the face, I took a big blow and imediately interpreted what he said as "you will always be like this and you just have to live with it". Any hopes of recovery were totally smashed. I don't want to accept myself as I am because I hate myself for being like this. I was gutted and very upset for days.

The following week I challenged him to explain what he meant as I had taken it so badly (yeah I am a drama queen!). In actual fact I had interpreted it all wrong and what he was trying to say was basically what the other guys have said in their replies. We have to stop fighting it, keeping it simmering on the surface all the time. Accepting doesn't mean liking or being content with our situation. I am not sure that it is easy to do though.

I am waffling on a bit sorry and am not sure it is making much meaningful sense. I know where you are coming from, especially the freak stuff (hence the name), you are not alone with this, it is exhausting and constantly tormenting. I bought Claire Weekes book recently but am not ready to open it yet because I feel like a bumbling inadequate fool and I am not accepting of myself yet.

PM me anytime. I wish you well.

Freaky

[ladybird64]

Hi all. :)

Many thanks to all of you that posted, it was appreciated more than you know.
I'm still feeling a bit..flat for want of a better word, but managed to do a few things yesterday which i feel quite good about.
My daughter has enrolled on a healthy living course which is for people with learning disabilities as I'm her carer, I have asked if I can go along too. Every Thursday a group of people will meet up and we will go for a walk for approx an hour. I bit the bullet and told the organisers that I'm agoraphobic but would like the opportunity to take a gentle walk once a week, hopefully it will be of benefit for both of us (plus there is less chance I will go into meltdown if there are others there :winks: ).
In the evening I had to take her to enrol at a drama class. Everything that could go wrong did, I had to wait over an hour for the damned bus to arrive, then we got stuck in the roadworks..suffice to say we arrived there 45 mins late, a nightmare because I have got a thing about punctuality, when we did arrive at the college it took them 15 mins to find out where we were supposed to go. By this time I was kicking the walls (quietly:D ), threatening to turn around and go home and was a cross between this :scared15: and this :mad: .
Anyway..someone spotted us, took us to the right place and she is now enrolled in a weekly drama group which I will have to take her to..in rush hour traffic..so I guess deep down I haven't really given up, I have just got to cut myself some slack and allow myself as much time as I need to do things, something I'm really not very good at. :)

Thanks again for all your support and offers to speak to me by PM, I'm here for you too. :hugs: