My sister's pregnant

[andie73]

Hi

I found out yesterday that my sister is about 2 weeks pregnant. I'm happy that I'm going to be an aunty for the first time but I can't help feeling soooo down. I've been doing really well with my anx but this is a biggy for me.

Two years ago I miscarried my first baby and I haven't been able to fall pregnant since. I have alot of fears about being pregnant and labour, even before I miscarried. So trying for a baby is like jumping off the edge of a cliff for me. It as if I am risking my life. I'm emmetephobic and hospital phobic, and basically fear any health issues. Yet as I know I would love to have kids I am still risking it.

I cant stop crying. My dad is away on holiday, so I am her main contact. She rang me today at work to say she had had a bit of spotting and some cramps. She was asking what I experienced with the miscarriage. I was really nice and tried to put her mind at rest but now that I am home from work I feel like screaming!!!! I can't get through all this. I can't be everything to others and feel so alone with my own pain. Pain at losing a baby, and pain at not being able to concieve, yet at the same time neing terrified if I do.

I think I am going mad!!! To top it all I was recently threatened at work by a patient and yesterday was the victim of credit card fraud. I am seriously beginning to think someone doesn't like me and must be sticking pins in a voodoo doll.

Please please help. I cant seem to get into chat anymore, it says I don't have Java when I do, and I'm feeling so alone.

[Stressed92]

Awwh Andrea
It's not surprising you feel like you do, but it sounds like you're keeping strong through all of this. It was really good of you to talk to your sister on the phone and reassure her, I know it must have been hard. Try not to get yourself too worked up, it will only make you feel worse. Look on the bright side, you're going to have a new niece or nephew who you can spoil rotten and love, without having to change nappies and get woken in the middle of the night :winks:
Hope you're feeling happier soon and things start to improve for you
Sending you a big hug :bighug1:
Take Care
Amy
x

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Andrea I'm really sorry that you are going through all this. I can emathise with the pain of infertility. It took us nine years and eventually IVF fro me to have our son. Did the hospital run any tests after you miscarried? I know they don't usually do anything until it has happened two or three times.Heartbreaking isn't it. However you need to know why this happened so you can see whether this can be prevented. Depending on your age and if you feel up to it you could have some basic tests for infertility at the hospital. I mean basic unless you are prepared to go privately. Two weeks seems very very early to know whether you are pregnant or not? Even after fertility treatment the earliest we knew was five weeks. We were told that it would make no difference to the outcome but spotting may not necessarily mean that she will lose the baby. Right now you need to look after yourself. If you can't face seeing her at the moment then dont. She wont necessarily 'show' until she is about five months unless she has been pregnant before. Maybe you could suggest to your doctor that you have some counselling so that you can talk about your loss. Very best wishes. I am thinking about you.

[andie73]

Thanks guys

I had some counselling after it happened and although it helped then I don't think I would benefit from it at the moment. It is just soooo frustrating sometimes. I don't begruge her because I am going to be an aunty and I know she has been trying for a year.

It was just sooo hard when she rang and told me she was worried about spotting and pains. She has done six positive pregnancy tests so I think it's pretty certain that she is pregnant.

I have considered going to the doctors to ask about fertility tests but I don't know if I could go through IVF. I have a friend who recently adopted 3 children and though I didn't know her then she has told me about her three cycles of IVF. None were successful and it doesn't sound like much fun to say the least. And I hate needles, the thought of injecting myself makes me cringe!!!

She probably wont look pregnant for a while as she is quite over weight. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but it's not as obvious. It was just the thought of having to support someone through something like this that all got a bit much. I don't really like being asked about my miscarriage, I don't mind talking about it but the details are something I'd rather share when I feel I want to, not when questioned. I really don't blame her though as she just wanted advice as she was worried.

The hospital said they would only do tests if I miscarried three times. And even then they said they often don't get a cause. It is just one of those things I was told. Ummmm great help that eh??

I'm sure I will adjust to the idea of her being pregnant but it's going to be hard. It will be my dad's first grandchild and when I found out I was pregnant I thought I would be doing that. Never mind the timing is not important it's just another thing I think about and beat myself up with.

I am now 35 and the ticking is getting louder, on the biological clock, that is. I know I should do something soon about getting some tests done then at least I know where I stand, but my husband just keeps saying that it will happen. But then he's a eternal optomist and I don't think he wants to worry me.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Rebecca77]

Hi Andrea,
sorry to hear you suffered a miscarriage, I understand how hard it is to come to terms with such a loss, I have miscarried twice, both times I had no sign there was a problem, it was just when i went for my 12 week scan that it showed the baby had stopped developing so i ended up having surgery both times because i couldn't cope with waiting for nature to take its course.
When I was pregnant the first time my two best friends were pregnant at the same time and both went on to have healthy babies, I found this really hard to cope with because I felt 'why me?' and i was jealous. I know they found it hard to be around me too because they felt guilty.
I did have tests after my second miscarriage, they sent evrything off to the lab and it came back that they could not identify any reason why it should happen and i was just one of the many unlucky ones. This was about 2 years ago now and we haven't really tried again since, I am not sure I want to set myself up for another disappointment and I also fear that i will push my health anxiety on to a baby and become obsessed by every little cough etc.
I have come to accept that it was natures way and this has helped me through things.
I am sure your time will come and you will be a great mother, I decided to take an active role in my friends pregnancies and am really close to their children, when I look at them I don't think what if anymore I just enjoy my time with them.
If you ever want to chat please just message me.

Rebecca xx

[ElizabethJane]

Andrea I didn't want to push you into IVF. It is horrendously expensive and is only usually used when all else has failed. I tried all sorts of things to try to get pregnant naturally. They all failed. Something that really really helped was participating in a study into infertility and using hypnosis to help get pregnant. If you want to know more PM me. I recognise your struggle and your pain. You need to do things when and if you are ready to do them.

[andie73]

Thanks sooo much for your replies. ElizabethJane I realise you weren't trying to push me into IVF and it was so nice to hear from someone who has had a successful outcome. It shows that my friend's experience is not the norm.

Hi rebecca, I so understand where you are coming from with not trying again. I too found out at scan at 12 weeks. You expect to see the first image of your baby and BANG!!!! Your world falls apart. When they don't turn the screen round and you see that look you just know there's something wrong. It's horrendous.

I often feel that I can't continue trying as every month is like a rollercoaster ride. Am I preg or not. My period is often late now, when it never used to be, I put it down to stress. I buy so many tests kits, I should get shares in the companies.

It is so frustrating because I don't know what I would do if I was pregnant. The fear of going for that scan again fells like too much to bear. I think I would end up being admitted to a psyc ward. Not that theres anything wrong in that. I just wonder why I keep putting myself through all this. It is doing my anx levels no good at all.

My cousin had a baby last year, exactly a year after my due date. It was really really hard but I have forced myself to be involved. I decided that life goes on and just because I haven't got a baby I can't avoid everyone that has. I go and see her and her son regularly as I know once I start avoiding the situation the problem will spiral out of control.

I am just about to leave for work, I really don't want to go as there are a few pregnant women there that I see regularly. And not just that, I deal with the public and sometimes putting on a 'face' is so exhausting. But I know that if I stay home I will be worse, wallowing is not good.

Thank you so much for your help guys.