RELATIONSHIPS

[Lottie32]

Does anybody else struggle with relationships?

I am starting to feel so much better, and much more positive about myself. My life is finally something that I can live again.

So why do I struggle so much with relationships?

I have many, many close friends, and don't have a problem with platonic friendships, just issues with boyfriends.

To be fair, some of this may come from my past relationship history - you can laugh, I do now, it's the only way I can keep going onwards.

The first bloke I really wanted to settle down with decided after two years he missed his ex and dumped me on Xmas Eve. To add insult to injury, she was American and shared a name commonly given to labradors.:(

The second bloke I really liked, asked after a year if he could go on holiday with the lads. Being a great believer in trust, I said yes. He returned after a week, and we continued as before, although I noticed him acting a little strange. After a month I discovered why - he'd got married on holiday! And not bothered to tell me! I had the last laugh though - he then discovered that his new blushing bride actually had two children, she now lives with him in the UK, and even funnier, has bisexual tendancies. She was banned from their local recently for molesting the landlords mother in the toilets![:0]

The third bloke was an alcoholic control freak, but I didn't realise that until we had been living together for six months and he had changed me completely. I was too scared to leave, and eventually he threw me out. I would come home from work and the sofa would be through the front window, which he claimed happened after it slipped when he was hoovering! The biggest laugh was he didn't even know what a hoover was! The next girl he started seeing tried to finish with him and he bit her cheek off. She has had to undergo plastic surgery to repair the damage. Shortly after this he was sectioned.

Since then I haven't really been involved with anybody, spending all my free time with my friends and enjoying their company (males as well as females, so I get lots of cuddles, hugs and compliments).
I am really starting to like the person I am now.

During November, I started seeing a friend on a more "personal" level. We get on really well, and he does daft things which make me laugh. The other night we had gone out separately, and he called me early in the morning and asked me to go round, because he had missed me and wanted to treat me breakfast in bed, because nobody every does anything for me!

We spend quite a lot of time together, just chilling and watching films which is nice, and we still have plenty of time to do our own thing too!

The problem that I have is that I analyse things and then start to get anxious. If I visit one night, and he is not in a particularly cuddly mood, I get a bit panicky and think he doesn't like me, when the reason is that he is just tired, and busy at work. I daren't ask if everything is ok, because I'm too scared of rejection, and I find if hard to show affection for the same reason!

Does anybody else find that their anxious traits prevent them from being rational in the emotions department?

It's wierd, half my life is lived by the new getting confident me, and the other side still can't cope! [V]





Charlie

[sadie]

Hi Charlie

I think youre feelings are only normal after your previous relationships. I think I would feel the same too!! However, it also comes done to a confidence issue to. Girls tend to analyse everything when they are in a relationship, particularly during the early stages, whether they suffer anxiety or not. I think its in our nature to do so. I remember being like that myself when I first met my husband 10 years ago and I didnt suffer anxiety then.

I think just learn to relax and try not to worry too much about whether he still likes/loves you, the more time you spend together as a couple the more you will learn to know whats bothering each other and what makes you both happy etc. You will also feel more confident in asking him if he is quiet, if he is ok.

I dont really know if I have helped you but I guess what I was trying to say is try not worry too much about it. Just relax and look after yourself.



sadie

[nomorepanic]

quote:Originally posted by Lottie32

I had the last laugh though - he then discovered that his new blushing bride actually had two children, she now lives with him in the UK, and even funnier, has bisexual tendancies. She was banned from their local recently for molesting the landlords mother in the toilets![:0]



Charlie

This cracked me up - lol. You have such colourful people in your life [:p] It is the way you tell them that makes me laugh.

As for the boyfriend that was sectioned then hey it may sound funny now but I bet it wasn't at the time was it?

Seems like you have been through a lot girl :(

Relationships are hard work and yes I agree that it is sometimes hard to know how to read people's thoughts and emotions.

Do you think you could talk things over with the new guy? Does he know all about the panic? Do you feel confident enough to explain that you have a bit of low self-esteem cos of the panic (I don't mean that you do, but you know what I mean). Perhaps you could just explain that you are getting mixed reactions and not sure how to interpret them.

Try not to be too heavy on him - don't want to scare him off but you also need to feel secure and loved and wanted.

You are a very special person - we can see that from your posts and you deserve the very best so go out and get it :D



Nicola

[benoo5]

charlie,

ive only known you a short time,and even then only as an online friend,but you are such a lovely lady,who has brought a lot of warmth to these forums.

i had no idea about your past,my god,you can pick them,soo its about time our charlie had some real happiness..remember that post <little steps> ,well thats my advice to you,as a friend.

enjoy wot is happening in your life,theres no rush,get to know each other,and in time,you will know if hes the one for you,but remember one thing charlie..second best,is not good enough for you,only the best...best wishes..bryan.

[Lottie32]

Thanks Guys

I'm not having a "strong" day today, and you've all been too nice and made me cry!!!!

I'm afraid all my posts are 100% truthful. And I have had more experiences, but if I put them on then I would fill the site!

I think the problem is that I'm a sucker for lame ducks!

My friend does not know very much about my anxiety/panic. I am trying to be "normal" and see if it makes things any better. So far it hasn't been an issue anyway. I have been ok when I have stopped over - big achievement - and when I went round for breakfast - it was a stupid thing to do really, but I wanted to challenge myself and see if I could do "spontaneous"! We mainly go out with the same group of friends, or stop in and watch a DVD so the whole travelling/going out thing hasn't become an issue (yet). Obviously I will tell him more as time goes on.

You are all absolutely right, deep down I sort of knew what you have all said! I think that my main problem is that I think too much, if you know what I mean. Thinking about it last night, I suddenly "got" it, and think my problem stems from needing to be loved. I think it was Twister (but it may have been Bishop) who shared my thoughts that although we had happy childhoods, we still didn't feel loved by our mums! Meg also said that this was quite often an issue with anxious people.

I think I might try a bit of a light hearted conversation over the weekend about self-esteem, and needing to know what others are thinking. The problem is once I start, (telling my story) it tends to get very deep, very quickly and usually results in soggy, snotty shoulders (his not mine), and then obviously, people back off!!! (We have made a pact to stay friends no matter what the outcome, but even so, there is a limit to what people find acceptable in the early stages) If I think I can have a discussion without it getting too heavy, then I will!

And I am going to try and take your advice, and not think about it at all. I'm just so lacking in relationship confidence that I can take, "I'm going to the gym tonight after tea babe, and I'll be late back, so I think I'll just have an early night. I've got to be at work early tomorrow" as a rejection!!!!!!!

For the last three years I have avoided any personal relationships (apart from my excellent friends), and thought maybe as I was getting better it might be easier this time.

Thanks for the support and advice. I'm going to stop thinking (particularly now I have read what I have just written, and realised how many times I've "thinked" something!), and just concentrate of having a good time.

Love

Charlie

[Meg]

Hi Charlie,

We all get so bogged down with our expectations.

Either our expectations of someone elses behaviour ie to meet our high standards or our expectations of our own behaviour ie perfectionism .

In truth , we bring much of our worry upon ourselves . I've worked with people whos worries are all about what people think of them, whether they've pleased everyone enough.. Usually these are people who have already bent over backwards to please and be perfect.

You enjoy him day to day, just believe the words for once instead of analysing them and keep laughing and smiling, It resonates through us all. Thank you.





Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[Laurie28]

HIya Charlie,

God you can pick them!!

I would say I'm not a cuddly person, my partner is and he thinks I don't care if i don't give him cuddles. the fact is I love him very much but I don't cuddle as a way of showing it. Is it maybe your partner just isn't cuddly!!

Love
Lucky

[Lottie32]

Lucky

It's amazing how much better a cuddle makes you feel. He is quite cuddly, the problem is, when he is tired, he turns into a cabbage and just lies there watching the film. Most times when he is tired he still asks me round (he has just started a new and demanding job), because he just likes me to be there. But then if he doesn't cuddle me (because he is being a cabbage), then I think he's not bothered. Although obviously, if he wasn't he wouldn't have invited me round in the first place.

I am really good at making problems that aren't even there aren't I????

Meg

Thanks for that. I am always trying too hard. I sort out all the tickets and camping for a local bike rally that has grown into a group of 30 odd friends. I spend most of the weekend worrying if everybody is having a good time, and who is not joining in. I even make everybody pitch tents so that if anybody has any history with somebody else, they are not camped near to each other!

Its really hard for me to do, but next year I'm going to sort the tickets, organise the camping, then just say stuff it, do what you want and enjoy the weekend myself instead of worrying about everybody else!!! I do worry what people think about me too much as well! (But not my main group of friends, cos they all know I'm batty, and still love me for what I am)

Thanks guys!!!

Love

Charlie

[Laurie28]

Hi Charlie,

I think as Sadie said this is down to being a women and not so much our anxious personalities. I hope u are feeling better today!!
I'nm afraid the only 'free' cuddles i give are too my kiddies (the weee one is very chubby and cuddly and smells gorgeous

Love
Lucky

[Lottie32]

It's easy to hug kids.

My friends are nearly teens and still get excited, sit on my knee and give me a hug when I go round. And I don't have to make them or bribe them to do it!!!!! (LOL)

Maybe kids are easier because its unconditional? The older you get, the more things are done for a reason, some ulterior motive or with a sub plot playing in the background.

Kids hugs make me feel really special, because they are done entirely because they want to!

Maybe I should become a child minder!

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

Charlie

Hope you are feeling better now. Sorry we made you cry but it may have made you feel better eh?

I agree with what Meg says - I have high expectations of myself and want to be liked. So much so that people walk over me a lot.

I work in a team of 8 men and I try to be one of the lads to fit in. This can backfire however and I sometimes try to please too much and then can't take the jibes and comments like the lads can!

They don't understand my panic and are not very sympathetic so I go in every day smiling when I am hurting inside.

Keep your chin up Charlie - we all love ya here.

Nicola

[Lottie32]

Thanks Nic

Must be the weather - last week I was buzzing, this week I'm a bit "touchy". And people keep sending me nice message which doesn't help !!!! (LOL) (Well actually it does cos it makes me feel better, but it makes me cry too!!) You know what I mean

Love

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

Yeah Charlie

Sometimes people being nice is as upsetting as people being horrible!!

Nicola

[Lottie32]

Nic

Actually its worse. If people are horrible, I can deal with that cos they are toss**s who I don't care about. People being nice is harder, cos you know they care for you!!!!

Bryan hit it on the head when he made the comment about "knowing" each other, and it only being as an internet friend. Even though most of us have never met, there is a really nice sense of belonging and understanding that is echoed through the site. It's good to know we belong.

I'm going now before I sound like some dodgy American Evangalist preacher.

But I think you know what I mean. You and Meg, Lucky, Bryan, Diane, Sara and the others are all like an extended family, and now I know I'm not the only "mad" person out there, I am coping much better. It's also nice to know you can bring up any issue, and somebody will provide a sensible caring answer

Thanks guys

Love

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

Charlie

We all feel as though we know each other don't we? That is why I did the pics page as well so people could actually see who they were "chatting" to. Where is your pic by the way - here is how I see you ...

short brown hair, very pretty but with tom-boyish looks (like me). Not a dress lady, more jeans and t-shirt. A cheeky grin.

I bet I am miles off - lol

Nicola

[benoo5]

nic,

i bet shes the only girl in the pub in high heels,and a donkey jacket lol....bryan,

[Lottie32]

Actually Bryan it's para boots and a sequin sleeveless top!!!

And you think I'm joking!!!???

If I'm feeling brave, I might just post one this weekend.

Nic - you are right about the grin and the lack of dresses, but I'm not pretty, and my hair is shoulder length.

Can I post one of me on my horse? I won't feel so exposed then!!!! (LOL)

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

Hi Charlie

So I wasn't even close then lol.

Yeah sure - one on the horse will be fine :-)

Nicola

[benoo5]

ime not saying a word lol....bryan.

[Lottie32]

Well that makes a refreshing change!!! Ha Ha Ha (LOL)

Mind you, now we know what Bryan looks like, I suppose it can't hurt me

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

Ooooohhhhhh Charlie - that was harsh. [:o)]

You will upset Bryan [:p]

Nicola

[benoo5]

charlie,ill have you know ime very popular at <grab a granny> nite.

every year,one of our hospitals,holds a charity nite,well a few years ago,the theme was <buy a doctor for a nite>,unfortunately only a handful of doctors were free,or so they said..so some paramedics were brought in to make up the numbers.

anyhow,this very nice lady,in her 60s,bought me (she was obviously very rich),anyhow,her ticket said,a romantic dinner for two,well,mention food,and ime anyones...the meal had been donated by <the ivy>,one of londons finest restaurants.

anyhow,ime digressing,not like me,i usually leave that to charlie...so we have this fabulous meal,she was good company,telling me stories about world war two,and ration books,then out of the blue she said DO I GET EXTRAS,well,i said there should be little chocolates,with our coffee.

the next day at work,it was explained to me,wot she really meant,never mind,i enjoyed myself,and it was for charity lol....bryan.

[nomorepanic]

Bryan

You dark horse you - missed out there mate ;)


Nicola

[Lottie32]

NO NO NO NO STOP!

All I meant was that if Bryan had been brave enough to post his photo, then I didn't have an excuse anymore!!!!!!

Actually, I think he looks quite cute. If my mum wasn't hitched to Fred the Ex Dentist, I'd put in a good word for him.



Charlie

[Laurie28]

Charlie

Still waiting for you photo!!!!

Love
lucky

[Lottie32]

It;ll be on soon! Sent to Nic this weekend, so keep an eye out on the photo page!

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

Sorry guys never got round to it tonight - went to my aerobics class. Will do it tomorrow I promise :-)

Nicola