just needed to tell my story,please read.

[makenzie]

I thought i would start this thread with a description of what my worries / thoughts have been throughout growing up.

From a young age i have worried about a lot things, but the first thing that sticks in my mind is when i was about 9, i started worrying about a family member dying, for e.g. my younger brother used to be very overweight, this would make me worry that he would have a heart attck and die, this is normal i know, however i would then have this thought in my head, "i wish my brother died of a heart attack," this used to upset me but i couldnt get rid of the thoughts, i would then get them about other family members, e.g mum smoked so i would start having this thought, "i want my mum to die of cancer," this carried on for a few years, on and of and would bother me a lot.

As i got a bit older around 13, i started going out with a girl from school, and one day me and a group of friends were with her and her mates, and she started to talk about her younger brother, when all of a sudden out of the blue, i had this awful thought in my head of a sexual nature, that i did not want or enjoy at all. It was like someone was in control of my mind and i couldnt stop the thoughts coming. I remember this played on my mind for days, and then i started getting them when i wasnt even with the girl, and they would upset me and get me really down.

Another situation occured when a family friend brought her new born baby in a pram to show my mum, i walked in the room fine, but then i saw the baby and i started having images and thoughts that were really awful and strong and hard to get rid of, i had to leave the room, and i worried about the thoughts all the time. I would say to myself, i am only like 13 / 14 i cant be a peodophile, so why am i having these types of thoughts. These types of thoughts came and went throughout my highschool years, sometimes worse than others, but somehow back then i got over them easier.

Anyway i am 21 now and i have been with my girlfriend since i was 15, anf for a few years i didnt really have these thoughts for a couple of years, until i left college and was about to start uni. I was working in a shop, when one day i started to worry about cheating on my girlfriend, if a girl came into the shop, and i had to serve her, i would get really anxious, and when she would leave i would have this feeling of guilt and feel as though i had just kissed the girl behind my girlfriends back. This got so extreme that after i had served a female customer, i would have to check the cctv cameras, to reasure myself i had not. This was getting worse as i did a lot of hours in the shop during that summer, and it started happening not only with female customers but also if any children entered the shop, i would sometimes get horrible thoughts/ images that were really really upsetting, this would make me check cameras sometimes 5-10 times a day. I did not tell my girlfriend or family memebrs about these thoughts, as i thought they would think i was a weirdo, and they just got worse.

I am now in my third year of uni, and the summer leading up to it i have to say was the lowest point i have ever been in my life. I had the girlfriend worries along with the children worries constantly everyday through the summer, everytime i woke up i would worry and obsess about an incident were i had a thought or image. Then it got really weird, where i didnt even know what was going on. I was driving one day when i saw a child on the street, immediately i got anxious and anticipated a thought / image, this made me fidget, then all of a sudden i noticed that there was wet in my boxer shorts, this sent my anxiety through the roof. Even though i clearly new that the wet in my boxer shorts was from the fact that i had been for a wee just befor i got in my car, i started to convince myself that it had someting to do with that kid, i was that worried from this incident that when i returned home from the journey i went back to the toilet to see if i could remember having a wee.

Soon enough my girlfriend started to notice someting was wrong, and i told her everything, she does psycology in uni and immediately said it was due to anxiety, and persuaded me to go to the doctors. The doctor then reffered me to a mental health profesional, and she said it was ocd. I still am goiong through a rough time and have not got rid of these irrational and awful thoughts but i am getting help, please reply if you want, or if you can relate and want to talk.thanks mak.

[marie1974]

hiya mak, just wanted to say hi and welcome and weldone for writing your story down, i know sometimes that can be so very difficult, but also helps aswell.

im glad u told your girlffriend and starting to get help, its onwards and upwards from here and u dont have to suffer alone, u will get lots of great advice and support her hun as OCD is a very common problem. u will make some new friends too. hugs xx

[eveanna]

hi there,
thanks so much for posting here. it is the beginning of a really worthwhile journey for you and I know you are going to get so much better. your girlfriend is right - all of what you described is anxiety - in fact, it is pretty much textbook ocd. I have all this too....and it is horrific to go through. The lack of certainty plagues on us all day, waiting for the slightest hint of doubt in our minds to attack us! it's awful at times, but at least you can know that there's nothing psychologically wrong....ocd is classed as a mood disorder (psychological), and one can recover fully with few relapses given the right therapy/help and medication - if your dr thinks that's the right path for you.
Good luck - keep posting here, and try to give yourself a break...it takes a lot of courage doing what you're doing, so make sure you are being kind to yourself!!
best wishes
eve

[MacAodh]

Hey mak,

I sometimes have thoughts like that too. It scares me to be around children, in case someone notices and I get shunned, shamed or worse. But I never told anyone either cos I thought they'd think I was a weirdo too.

Well done for getting help and telling your girlfriend. I had a topsy turvy childhood and family problems since I was a baby. I moved away and I've sort of cut myself off from my family members. I started counselling cos I was having serious stress and anger problems, and I sometimes wonder if its connected but I've never spoken about those thoughts to my counsellor as I still don't feel I fully trust her.

Anyway I just wanted to say thanks for sharing, I'm really glad you told your girlfriend and are getting help and I hope things get better for you.

J

[makenzie]

hi eva,thanks for the reply. It is terrible isnt, i wouldnt wish how i feel when im obssessing about something, on my worst enemy. When i was younger i seemed to cope better, i would worry but it woulkd pass, now it all just gets weird, sometimes i might not really no what im worried about. Like my recent one was just the other day, i walked past a women with a child, and started to worry about my privates (how embarrasing), "like did i just feel something down there (when i know it was just my jeans when i was walking), this is bothering me now, when i no its ridiculous and crazy .
I have also developed a habbit of blowing bubbles on my tongue when im really worried or anxious. Can you relate to that type of crazy ocd stuff.thanks mak.

[eveanna]

Hi there,
the trick when you have these thoughts, (when a mother /child walks by, etc) is to say to yourself "this is my ocd, I'm going to pay it no mind and continue with my day" or something like that. it's called the reattribution step, and you should always do it when you have an OCD thought. this will help you realise that these thoughts are irrational, not to do with who you are as a person but persistent thoughts that plague you.
I would see someone as soon as possible - as you are really young, you have a great chance of tackling this early!!
Best wishes
eve

[bumbles]

I know exactly how you feel I live in fear of it returning for me Medication and talking helped a lot and I am sorry I ever stopped the Meds as I am now really anxious again. :bighug1: Good luck to you, try CBT its very good.

[owainm]

Hi there my god your story is like a transcript of how my mind works sometimes I have suffered from all of the same probs as you and others ie frequently when Im driving my car I get the thought that I want to run someone over or knock a cyclist of their bike. Im now 37 so a lot older than you but have had ocd since I was around 11 it has taken various froms over the years but main prob is I have a fixation with numbers and doing thing a certain amount of times. Because of this I have learned to accept the intrusive violent and sexual thoughts for what they are just thoughts thus they dont bother me but my obsession with numbers and repetitive actions drive my up the wall I just feel like smashing my head of the wall sometimes. As you are only 21 I would advise seeking help asap I struggled with it till I was 27 before I sought help and that was too long, cheers good luck Owain

[bab]

Hi there

just to say its such a shame no one explained these thoughts to you sooner to put your mind at some kind of ease, but really well done for seeking help.These are just obsessive thoughts and you wont act on them. As Eve says just pay them no attention - sometimes if you try and get rid of the thought it makes it worse as you are concentrating on it - so everytime you get them just accept them - say ok heres another silly thought - so what - and go and try and keep busy. lots of love and i hope you start to feel better xx

[mini_mog]

hi there, first of all you are not alone with these 'what if' thoughts. i have been suffering with them badly for sometime, mine revolve around things like 'what if i left my handbrake off and the car rolls back and hits another car in the carpark' when i leave my car. or leaving the gas on by mistake or the freezer open. or contaminating the toilet roll in public toilets or in other ppls houses (with what i have no idea!). todays one was when i was playing with my cat and she rolled on her back and i playfully grabbed her tail and then though 'omg, what if i touched her inappropriatly'. i didnt, i know that and im just rationalising that to myself and thinking 'its just a thought, it means nothing'. i think i am suffering from ocd too which im planning to bring up with my gp next week when i go.

really hope you start to feel better soon, my meds (citalopram) are slowly helping me to become my old chilled out self again:)