MacAodh
21-10-08, 02:20
Hey everyone, I'm new here today. I'm 26 from Scotland originally, but grew up in Spain. I now live in the South West of England. Don't know what my problem is specifically. I've related to a number of the symtoms from depression to anxiety and OCD. Been in counselling since last december, though I had a "topsy turvy" childhood, so I know I've needed help way sooner. I started on Citalopram 20 mg after a "brave" change of career proved a really tough challenge and I started thinking it was getting that I just wasn't getting anything right and offing myself would be a good end to my problems.
Re: my childhood my parents split when I was 1. My dad's gay. My mother, I don't think she ever really got over that. She went from guy to guy, I think trying to find a good honest guy to head the family, but she's blind to *******s, she remarried soon after my dad left to a guy who was stalking her. Then left him and moved us out to Spain to be with another guy. Two years later she sent us (us being my older brother and I) back to scotland while she changed jobs and guys again. My dad and his partner would send us to stay at our gma's on weekends while we were back there. After about a year she'd settled with the new guy and was about to start business with him, so we were sent back out to spain to live with her again. This guy stuck about a few years longer than any others, but was put in jail for fraud, which was a rough patch. Most of the stuff that happened up til then I guess affected me badly, but I kind of took it all for granted as being normal - stuff that everyone went through. I think it was when I started going into my teens I realised I wasn't connecting and reacting with other people as they were. I got obsessed over a girl, cos she didn't like me, and I wanted to know why but couldn't ask. I think it started with some kind of guilt complex from earlier childhood. I got picked on a lot too by teachers cos I was a trouble maker talking too much, and by other students cos I was an easy target to wind up. I tended to then make friends with people who treated me like s**t. So while friends seemed to be dating, having fun with girls, even they said I could never let things go, never just be myself, too self concious all the time, etc.
At some point I started chatting to girls online then and it developed into a bad habit which I continued into my early 20's of chatting to teenage girls online. At first I didn't know there was anything wrong with that, I guess there wasn't I was still a young teenager. But I only ever had one proper girlfriend when I was 17, and never really had any other relationships with girls other than online, which never really felt real either. So I was chatting to girls that were then too young for me and I didn't realise they were taking it more seriously than me, so I hurt one pretty bad, and realised what I was doing was pretty messed up.
Trying to understand why I felt so s**t about myself that I didn't feel like I could connect with people, why I'd ended up like I had, I wrote my mother a letter trying to tell her how I felt and that I thought there was a lot of stuff from my childhood that had never been dealt with. She flipped out and thought I was suicidal or something, but never really opened up, and spoke about anything other than very carefully revealed bits and pieces as if everything was nice and normal, while I spoke to other people like my grandma and dad and realised things were actually really messed up. During that time, my brother had just gone off travelling (his philosophy is to bury his head in the sand, he doesn't like calling me anymore cos I talk about stuff like this too much, and I'm angry, although I know he suffers from OCD worse than me, and we both have symptoms of low self esteem and depression, we fought all the time as kids too). During that time, my family started to fight again too, dad and his partner with my grandma, my mum with my dad, etc. That sucked, they didn't give a hoot about how it affected anyone around them, fighting at both mine and my brother's graduations, which was about the only time everyone was together. Well I dunno, I always felt like things from my childhood were never dealt with and I had holes in myself because I wasn't allowed to feel lots of stuff about what happened. My mother still refused to talk about anything, and with my life going nowhere fast, I got more and more angry with her, and moved back and forth between Spain and scotland, staying with my dad and his partner who didn't seem to want me around anymore, and my mum, who wanted me around but wouldn't acknowledge anything was wrong ever. I decided I had to do something in Spain, and moved to England to get away, study a postgraduate and try and get on with my life. I think I took a lot of axiety with me, and when the course got tough, and cracks showed in the organisation of it, and prospects of being able to get a job within the field at the end of it started to seem more distant I started stressing and getting panic, I couldn't cry so it felt like I was swallowing it all, and I'd get nights I couldn't sleep an inch, headaches that felt like my head was going to explode - I thought I'd popped blood vessels in my brain a few times trying to deal with it - I also got weird stomach quivers, which still come back, although these days I don't get the head aches. I think I broke part of myself from stress like that. That said I stood up to the directors on my course, I worked so hard I created an awesome project, which now helps some people youtube learn songs on piano, and got a distinction grade. Facing my problems, despite the stress and panic attacks, I went through a good spell at the end, where I felt like I had dignity for the first time in my life - I had stood up for myself, when things were going s**t, I'd worked so hard, and even my dad told me to keep my mouth shut and bend over, which I didn't do, I said it wasn't right how they were treating us, and I worked so hard on my work to get i finished. I got nothing back from the uni at the time and when I finished I dropped it cos I was drained. Another course mate pursued the problems with organisation and management and complete misrepresentation we'd had from the course, and they admitted full fault - they couldn't even look him in the eyes he said.
I dunno though, I went back up to stay with my dad after that, but none of my family understood at all what I'd been through, and I still got the feeling they didn't want me around. So I was applying for jobs at the time, but stressing cos I couldn't find anything, and knew they all thought I was just the same lazy s**t I'd always been. I lost any dignity I felt I'd gained, and went back to being the old angry, useless me. Then I found emails which strongly suggested my dad's partner was cheating on him with random men off the internet. When I told him, he got mad at me for invading their privacy, even though it wasn't real, just fantasy on the internet. My stress and panics attacks returned, so that night I told him, I met him in Glasgow to speak to him having stayed at my grandma's to try and think what to do. He got mad, told me I had no respect for their privacy, so I told him then he had to respect that it wasn't a family and walked out. As I was walking away I became overwhelmed by feelings that I was gonna now die. It felt like I had just done something that I dunno if it was good or bad, but I remember thinking I'd done what I felt I had to, and now God was going to kill me cos my life had come to its end. I was completely convinced I'd be stabbed by a mugger, or hit by a bus. I calmed down by the time I got to the car and prayed that if He was gonna kill me to, do it gently, cos I had worked so hard and done everything I thought I could to make things better on my course, which was the first time I'd stepped out on my own, the first thing I'd done that was mine and I was proud of, and I'd found out about my dad's partner cheating, and said even though he knew there had been other men before, I tried to tell him there was no dignity in that way of life. He just got mad at me, telling me what I'd done wrong. I don't know. I drove back to my grandma's. I never spoke to my dad again. I stayed at my grandma's, we fought cos she has her own control issues, and it kinda made sense why my mum and none of her siblings have much self esteem, cos my grandma likes to make you feel comfortable and then pull the rug out from under your feet. I eventually got a job back in England, so moved away and from then just sort of let ties with most of my family fade away. I started counselling last december cos I was hating the job I was in (and my supervisor was a real ass), and I was getting stressed. I've just been trying to live my life since, but things just seem to get worse and worse. I stopped speaking to my mum as she continued to refuse to acknowledge that anything was wrong but would call and make me feel worse about my situation, my job. I quit my job a few months backl, to try and do something that made me less unhappy, but now wash dishes for a living.
I started Taekwondo, which really kept me going since I moved here too, but have found that suffering too, from being so tired from work, and now from drowsiness form the antidepressants.
Anyway thats a "brief" run through of me, but I'm tired now. I hope I can share a little more and hopefully get help and help others round here if anyone's been through anything similar, or just feel similar. I've already read a few posts and related to a few others, and its really cool to hear that I'm not alone. My GP told me there's a lot of this out there, but it feels like I gotta hide it all when Im out, so yeah. Love, share, and pray/hope things get better all round.
J x
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Re: my childhood my parents split when I was 1. My dad's gay. My mother, I don't think she ever really got over that. She went from guy to guy, I think trying to find a good honest guy to head the family, but she's blind to *******s, she remarried soon after my dad left to a guy who was stalking her. Then left him and moved us out to Spain to be with another guy. Two years later she sent us (us being my older brother and I) back to scotland while she changed jobs and guys again. My dad and his partner would send us to stay at our gma's on weekends while we were back there. After about a year she'd settled with the new guy and was about to start business with him, so we were sent back out to spain to live with her again. This guy stuck about a few years longer than any others, but was put in jail for fraud, which was a rough patch. Most of the stuff that happened up til then I guess affected me badly, but I kind of took it all for granted as being normal - stuff that everyone went through. I think it was when I started going into my teens I realised I wasn't connecting and reacting with other people as they were. I got obsessed over a girl, cos she didn't like me, and I wanted to know why but couldn't ask. I think it started with some kind of guilt complex from earlier childhood. I got picked on a lot too by teachers cos I was a trouble maker talking too much, and by other students cos I was an easy target to wind up. I tended to then make friends with people who treated me like s**t. So while friends seemed to be dating, having fun with girls, even they said I could never let things go, never just be myself, too self concious all the time, etc.
At some point I started chatting to girls online then and it developed into a bad habit which I continued into my early 20's of chatting to teenage girls online. At first I didn't know there was anything wrong with that, I guess there wasn't I was still a young teenager. But I only ever had one proper girlfriend when I was 17, and never really had any other relationships with girls other than online, which never really felt real either. So I was chatting to girls that were then too young for me and I didn't realise they were taking it more seriously than me, so I hurt one pretty bad, and realised what I was doing was pretty messed up.
Trying to understand why I felt so s**t about myself that I didn't feel like I could connect with people, why I'd ended up like I had, I wrote my mother a letter trying to tell her how I felt and that I thought there was a lot of stuff from my childhood that had never been dealt with. She flipped out and thought I was suicidal or something, but never really opened up, and spoke about anything other than very carefully revealed bits and pieces as if everything was nice and normal, while I spoke to other people like my grandma and dad and realised things were actually really messed up. During that time, my brother had just gone off travelling (his philosophy is to bury his head in the sand, he doesn't like calling me anymore cos I talk about stuff like this too much, and I'm angry, although I know he suffers from OCD worse than me, and we both have symptoms of low self esteem and depression, we fought all the time as kids too). During that time, my family started to fight again too, dad and his partner with my grandma, my mum with my dad, etc. That sucked, they didn't give a hoot about how it affected anyone around them, fighting at both mine and my brother's graduations, which was about the only time everyone was together. Well I dunno, I always felt like things from my childhood were never dealt with and I had holes in myself because I wasn't allowed to feel lots of stuff about what happened. My mother still refused to talk about anything, and with my life going nowhere fast, I got more and more angry with her, and moved back and forth between Spain and scotland, staying with my dad and his partner who didn't seem to want me around anymore, and my mum, who wanted me around but wouldn't acknowledge anything was wrong ever. I decided I had to do something in Spain, and moved to England to get away, study a postgraduate and try and get on with my life. I think I took a lot of axiety with me, and when the course got tough, and cracks showed in the organisation of it, and prospects of being able to get a job within the field at the end of it started to seem more distant I started stressing and getting panic, I couldn't cry so it felt like I was swallowing it all, and I'd get nights I couldn't sleep an inch, headaches that felt like my head was going to explode - I thought I'd popped blood vessels in my brain a few times trying to deal with it - I also got weird stomach quivers, which still come back, although these days I don't get the head aches. I think I broke part of myself from stress like that. That said I stood up to the directors on my course, I worked so hard I created an awesome project, which now helps some people youtube learn songs on piano, and got a distinction grade. Facing my problems, despite the stress and panic attacks, I went through a good spell at the end, where I felt like I had dignity for the first time in my life - I had stood up for myself, when things were going s**t, I'd worked so hard, and even my dad told me to keep my mouth shut and bend over, which I didn't do, I said it wasn't right how they were treating us, and I worked so hard on my work to get i finished. I got nothing back from the uni at the time and when I finished I dropped it cos I was drained. Another course mate pursued the problems with organisation and management and complete misrepresentation we'd had from the course, and they admitted full fault - they couldn't even look him in the eyes he said.
I dunno though, I went back up to stay with my dad after that, but none of my family understood at all what I'd been through, and I still got the feeling they didn't want me around. So I was applying for jobs at the time, but stressing cos I couldn't find anything, and knew they all thought I was just the same lazy s**t I'd always been. I lost any dignity I felt I'd gained, and went back to being the old angry, useless me. Then I found emails which strongly suggested my dad's partner was cheating on him with random men off the internet. When I told him, he got mad at me for invading their privacy, even though it wasn't real, just fantasy on the internet. My stress and panics attacks returned, so that night I told him, I met him in Glasgow to speak to him having stayed at my grandma's to try and think what to do. He got mad, told me I had no respect for their privacy, so I told him then he had to respect that it wasn't a family and walked out. As I was walking away I became overwhelmed by feelings that I was gonna now die. It felt like I had just done something that I dunno if it was good or bad, but I remember thinking I'd done what I felt I had to, and now God was going to kill me cos my life had come to its end. I was completely convinced I'd be stabbed by a mugger, or hit by a bus. I calmed down by the time I got to the car and prayed that if He was gonna kill me to, do it gently, cos I had worked so hard and done everything I thought I could to make things better on my course, which was the first time I'd stepped out on my own, the first thing I'd done that was mine and I was proud of, and I'd found out about my dad's partner cheating, and said even though he knew there had been other men before, I tried to tell him there was no dignity in that way of life. He just got mad at me, telling me what I'd done wrong. I don't know. I drove back to my grandma's. I never spoke to my dad again. I stayed at my grandma's, we fought cos she has her own control issues, and it kinda made sense why my mum and none of her siblings have much self esteem, cos my grandma likes to make you feel comfortable and then pull the rug out from under your feet. I eventually got a job back in England, so moved away and from then just sort of let ties with most of my family fade away. I started counselling last december cos I was hating the job I was in (and my supervisor was a real ass), and I was getting stressed. I've just been trying to live my life since, but things just seem to get worse and worse. I stopped speaking to my mum as she continued to refuse to acknowledge that anything was wrong but would call and make me feel worse about my situation, my job. I quit my job a few months backl, to try and do something that made me less unhappy, but now wash dishes for a living.
I started Taekwondo, which really kept me going since I moved here too, but have found that suffering too, from being so tired from work, and now from drowsiness form the antidepressants.
Anyway thats a "brief" run through of me, but I'm tired now. I hope I can share a little more and hopefully get help and help others round here if anyone's been through anything similar, or just feel similar. I've already read a few posts and related to a few others, and its really cool to hear that I'm not alone. My GP told me there's a lot of this out there, but it feels like I gotta hide it all when Im out, so yeah. Love, share, and pray/hope things get better all round.
J x
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