justjem
22-10-08, 00:06
Hello to everyone,
Late night googling trying to find reasons for my aches and pains here there and everywhere allowed me to find this site. Somewhere between the reading,clicking, convincing and panicking I was brought down to reality and realised I was having a bad day with my anxiety, and in the 5 hours of googling I hadn't died so the panic was a waste of time.
Anyway, unusal way to welcome myself so I will do it properly now.
My name is Jemma and I'm 22 from England.
My Mum says my worry and anxious ways started when I was 4 years old. I was literally glued to my Mum's hip, she couldn't move and would have to take me into my classroom and sneak out everyday until I was 7 years old. Then the majority of my school day was spent worrying whether my Mum was actually going to pick me up from school, and fear of her being knocked down on a road. The remaining time was spent watching the clock for 3pm so I could relax at the though of being with my Mum again.
My Mum had to sleep in the same bed as me until I fell asleep until I was about 10. If I woke and she wasnt there I would cry at the top of the stairs or make excuses for her to come upstairs so she was in my vicinity.
I then grew out of this a little when I went to high school. I was a very mature girl for my age and grew up so much quicker than I really should have. 12 years of age with the maturity of an 18 year old sometimes.
I was OK going to school and throughout the day I was fine.. seems the worry grew out of me , maybe?
No, maybe not.. because when I would get home from school I then had the worry of waiting for my Mum to get home from work.
It was dark, would she be ok walking in the dark? What if she fell over? What if someone followed her? Oh my goodness its bonfire night - will she have a firework threw at her.. and so on...
I remember this worry like it was yesterday....Ricki lake would finish at 5:30pm.. Animal rescue would start... if Mum wasnt in by the first adverts in Animal rescue then its time to worry. It's 5:49, where is my Mum? Lets phone my Nan... vomit a few times, I'm never going to see her again am I? 5:50pm she arrives.. worry over, until tomorrow.
My life was like that until I was about 17 when I "grew out of it".... I still worried about my Mum but I was no where near attached.
17,18,19 years of age was mainly a worry about weight..... plumeting to 7st... rocketing back up to 15st.. yo-yo'ing all the time.. (still do now)
Now my worries are as extreme as they have ever been.. I will try and explain in a moment.
At 14 I was diagnosed with depression, and put on citalopram. In a nutshell I have been on 3 different type's of anti-depressants since then.
Life was going really real;y well, although fat I was happy. This was April 07... still worry about petty things but nothing majorly noticeable by others. Then Oct 08, sitting at my computer I experience my first ever panic attack...
A big warm flush of blood feeling from my chest to my head and to my feet, then the heart beat battering my chest wall.... then the sudden need to jump up and run... Then persuade myself I'm OK, do something else Jemma lets ignore what is happening here.. no I cant, I am dying, this is it. MUUUUM!!? help?,,,, an ambulance is called, my lips have turned grey, my face is white, im sweating, im shaking, i have never been so scared in my life.. and then... well, then I passed out.
I was taken to hospital and they told me yeah, its just a panic attack. I came home and have never been myself again. I had to take 2 weeks off work, I lost a stone in 2 weeks, I couldnt eat anything, I just wanted to lie down by the window and feel the breeeze on my face, if I moved, well anything could happen. 20 panic attacks a day for 2 weeks until I lost the plot and was in the doctors surgery telling (!) him that I am dying and please help me.
I was prescribed duloxetine 60mg and was told I am not dying I am just suffering from Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety. I took the pill... within 2 days I felt better.....
Panic attacks went from sometimes 20 a day , to one a month. And its been that way since. But , what hasn't gone is my constant fear of death. What if I die? Am I Dying? What if my family die? .... Life isnt as fun as it used to be... my relationship with my partner struggles sometimes.. libido is non existant (or minus existant if that could exist).. some days i can get through the day with a few thoughts of deaf and illness.... but some days, like today, well i cant stop thinking about it, in the shower, at work, on the train, on the loo (!).
I have nearly lost my job. Im trying to grab control of this but I am losing my grip. I know the logical answers to most of my fears but I still cant stop thinking them. Negative thoughts I try to turn into a positive , but the positive ends up negative again. I tell myself to stop worrying because nobody else is worrying about these things, but i cant.
My Mum says there is no such thing as "can't" but .. well.. i think there is.
I thank anybody who read this whole post and I am so sorry if i just went on and on, but I didnt really think about what I was typing.
I am here to try to help myself and better my life, I am here to offer support to anybody , i am here to make friends.. so Hello to you all http://www.anxietyforum.net/forum/images/smiles/smile0163.gif
Late night googling trying to find reasons for my aches and pains here there and everywhere allowed me to find this site. Somewhere between the reading,clicking, convincing and panicking I was brought down to reality and realised I was having a bad day with my anxiety, and in the 5 hours of googling I hadn't died so the panic was a waste of time.
Anyway, unusal way to welcome myself so I will do it properly now.
My name is Jemma and I'm 22 from England.
My Mum says my worry and anxious ways started when I was 4 years old. I was literally glued to my Mum's hip, she couldn't move and would have to take me into my classroom and sneak out everyday until I was 7 years old. Then the majority of my school day was spent worrying whether my Mum was actually going to pick me up from school, and fear of her being knocked down on a road. The remaining time was spent watching the clock for 3pm so I could relax at the though of being with my Mum again.
My Mum had to sleep in the same bed as me until I fell asleep until I was about 10. If I woke and she wasnt there I would cry at the top of the stairs or make excuses for her to come upstairs so she was in my vicinity.
I then grew out of this a little when I went to high school. I was a very mature girl for my age and grew up so much quicker than I really should have. 12 years of age with the maturity of an 18 year old sometimes.
I was OK going to school and throughout the day I was fine.. seems the worry grew out of me , maybe?
No, maybe not.. because when I would get home from school I then had the worry of waiting for my Mum to get home from work.
It was dark, would she be ok walking in the dark? What if she fell over? What if someone followed her? Oh my goodness its bonfire night - will she have a firework threw at her.. and so on...
I remember this worry like it was yesterday....Ricki lake would finish at 5:30pm.. Animal rescue would start... if Mum wasnt in by the first adverts in Animal rescue then its time to worry. It's 5:49, where is my Mum? Lets phone my Nan... vomit a few times, I'm never going to see her again am I? 5:50pm she arrives.. worry over, until tomorrow.
My life was like that until I was about 17 when I "grew out of it".... I still worried about my Mum but I was no where near attached.
17,18,19 years of age was mainly a worry about weight..... plumeting to 7st... rocketing back up to 15st.. yo-yo'ing all the time.. (still do now)
Now my worries are as extreme as they have ever been.. I will try and explain in a moment.
At 14 I was diagnosed with depression, and put on citalopram. In a nutshell I have been on 3 different type's of anti-depressants since then.
Life was going really real;y well, although fat I was happy. This was April 07... still worry about petty things but nothing majorly noticeable by others. Then Oct 08, sitting at my computer I experience my first ever panic attack...
A big warm flush of blood feeling from my chest to my head and to my feet, then the heart beat battering my chest wall.... then the sudden need to jump up and run... Then persuade myself I'm OK, do something else Jemma lets ignore what is happening here.. no I cant, I am dying, this is it. MUUUUM!!? help?,,,, an ambulance is called, my lips have turned grey, my face is white, im sweating, im shaking, i have never been so scared in my life.. and then... well, then I passed out.
I was taken to hospital and they told me yeah, its just a panic attack. I came home and have never been myself again. I had to take 2 weeks off work, I lost a stone in 2 weeks, I couldnt eat anything, I just wanted to lie down by the window and feel the breeeze on my face, if I moved, well anything could happen. 20 panic attacks a day for 2 weeks until I lost the plot and was in the doctors surgery telling (!) him that I am dying and please help me.
I was prescribed duloxetine 60mg and was told I am not dying I am just suffering from Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety. I took the pill... within 2 days I felt better.....
Panic attacks went from sometimes 20 a day , to one a month. And its been that way since. But , what hasn't gone is my constant fear of death. What if I die? Am I Dying? What if my family die? .... Life isnt as fun as it used to be... my relationship with my partner struggles sometimes.. libido is non existant (or minus existant if that could exist).. some days i can get through the day with a few thoughts of deaf and illness.... but some days, like today, well i cant stop thinking about it, in the shower, at work, on the train, on the loo (!).
I have nearly lost my job. Im trying to grab control of this but I am losing my grip. I know the logical answers to most of my fears but I still cant stop thinking them. Negative thoughts I try to turn into a positive , but the positive ends up negative again. I tell myself to stop worrying because nobody else is worrying about these things, but i cant.
My Mum says there is no such thing as "can't" but .. well.. i think there is.
I thank anybody who read this whole post and I am so sorry if i just went on and on, but I didnt really think about what I was typing.
I am here to try to help myself and better my life, I am here to offer support to anybody , i am here to make friends.. so Hello to you all http://www.anxietyforum.net/forum/images/smiles/smile0163.gif