Strong Enough To Be Honest

[sal]

I read posts every day and see how people are struggling and i try to offer the best support i can. I am not ignorant at all to how people feel and i have suffered it myself and at times before i found this site i felt alone and no one could suffer like i did.

So my story, at last i am strong enought to be open and honest and tell it how it is. I had a hard childhood but nothing to me as i knew no better. I remember my dad hitting me and my brother but didnt think that was wrong. I spent nights in hospital with my brothers injuries and was told that i knew nothing if a doctor talked to me.

I spent my time at boarding school and although away from the abuse, wetting the bed and hiding the sheets from monday until friday didnt do me any favours.

Then i left school and was kicked out of my home but i made my way, got a job and made the best of it and had some great friends to see me through. Got married for all the wrong reasons, but Sam came out of that and i needed someone at last that loved me for only one reason, that she loved me. My marriage went wrong and yes i hurt but all for the wrong reasons, then on day as a prison officer i woke up and i couldnt cope after seeing a big fight at work, but as Sam was only 2 who could i turn to. I turned to my mum as wasnt sure anyone else would care. Biggest mistake i made as she didnt care and made me feel worse, why didnt i turn to my friends, well because i didnt know what was happening to me. I was Sal then suddenly i was a wreck that knew nothing and i was so frightened i didnt know what to do or how to feel.

That was my darkest day, from then on i tried lots of tablets, thought i was getting better, but i knew no better, when really they were making me worse. I went on holiday with my friends and remember them cutting bread for a sandwich and i cowered and that carried on. Yet again offered anothe tablet, felt as bad but then offered another. My life continued but i wasnt included, the tablets let the way. I tried loads and eventually i couldnt take anymore, i considered taking all the pain away but for Sam how could i do that.

I lost her to her dad for about 3 weeks and i didnt care but my doctor again offered me the meds i am on now, what did i have to lose i had lost my daughter, my friends that i thought cared and my sanity. I was a shadow of the Sal everyone knew but no one wanted or was prepared to help me get it back.

I chose the tablets as what did i have to lose, nothing apart from myself.

I persevered and eventually i wanted to be a mum, not a good one but at least i could be there.

It hurt and i found it so hard to give Sam what she needed as i had no confidence and believed in all my bad thoughts.

I lost friends through it and gained some when i was weak.

That made me get through it but now i am stronger and can cope, the friends that couldnt cope are suddenly here for me whereas the friend that could are no longer to be seen. Me being as ill as i was and i was and dont want sympathy at all but if someone got a knife and fork out i imagined what i could do with them. The nights were the hardest, alone and all those thoughts scared me until i was so scared to move in case i could act out the thoughts.

So now my friends are happy for me but the ones when i was weak left my side as i got stronger, now i have Simon and i am happy they want to be part of my life.

I dont hold grudges, why should i, i learnt the hard way, but why when i got stronger did they leave me. I have posted about Sharon before and now over the last year she has proved how sorry she is and i have no doubts.

I know i am not completely cured but when i look back it does scare me how ill i was, but i got there and it wasnt easy. Wanting or feeling you dont love your daughter and scared you might harm her nearly wrecked me, but along with CBT and med and the site i found my way. My story could be alot more detailed and i have rambled on enough but for those that are struggling i can advise you all you need but to see it written down and someon

[stimpy]

Oh Sal what a terrible story.

I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have gone through.
You have battled on and stuggled and now you are on the way to recovery and that is wonderful.
After all you have been through, you have come out on top and that is a great achievement. Be proud of it.

We can't be responsible for what others do, only what we do ourselves.
You are not to blame for the way your parents treated you.
Being unwell to the point of not caring and not coping is nothing to be ashamed of.
Don't be so tough on yourself. I bet you are a wonderful mum!
A mum who has compassion and understanding beyond belief :D

Sometimes we can't turn to our friends for help, as they don't understand how we feel.
The truth is sometimes we don't know how we feel either.
Sometimes they decide to leave us to it, thinking that we are weak and useless and no good to them - or we scare them by behaving oddly. Or we are strong enough to stand on our own and they assume we don't need them anymore.

I think you've come though this ever so well. I think you're amazing.




Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

[clickaway]

Thanks for your story, Sal.

I imagine you felt you needed to write this and felt the better for it, but it does surely illustrate to others how we can triumph through adversity. Maybe you wanted to show others this as well.

I think others reading this will think back to their own growing up and remember (if they need to be reminded) how tough it was.

I've suffered from zero self esteem since childhood, and although I've made great progress on that front, the bad consequences still remain and believe that when I get over this anxiety nonsense I will be a new person.

I'm so happy that your life has turned immeasurably better as you and Simon head together in happiness.

Cheers,

Ray



Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker

[seh1980]

hi Sal,

Inspiring story!! I think the not holding grudges thing is very important. Until we can put our past at rest and forgive those in our past, it is very difficult for us to move on with our lives and start our road to recovery..

Sarah :D

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

[Meg]

Sal,

You've felt ready to write several 'straight from the heart' posts very recently.

As well as sharing with people how you've progressed I hope these are a purging of some history so you can leave some of the pain and hurt behind and move on in your new chapter in life.

It would be great if you would like to amalgamate these posts or rewrite them into 'Sals story' so Nic can include it into the 'Personal Stories ' page on the website which I know brings inspiration and hope to many who visit the site but not always join the message forum.

We always welcome all personals stories so if you haven't written yours yet, then please feel free to submit it to help others who need to find someone who they can relate to.

You may find a hiuge sense of relief in writing it all out too . Often we write excerpts or chapters of our stories but not the whole things and just doing this simple exercise can release all sorts of inner hurt and can help you make connections with events that you might not have thought were relevant.

For those who haven't seen the page please do take a look

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/stories.htm

Thank you

[pips]

Hi Sal,

That was such a moving story.

You are a great Mum and not to blame through any of this hun! I am so sorry you have suffered so badly and I wish i could take the pain away from you.

I just want to tell you that I am so proud of you and how you have come through all this hun I admire your strength so much and wish i had a quarter of it.

I am so pleased your life is looking up for you mate because you deserve happiness more than anything.

Take Care,

Lots of Love and respect to you mate.

PIP'S XX XX

[nomorepanic]

Sal

Big hug mate for opening up. I will definitely put the story on the new website (coming soon) as all stories are an inspiration to people so thanks for posting it.

You are doing so well now and you will continue to do so now with Simon by your side.

Glad you chose to tell us this.:)

xx

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

[henri]

Sal,
Well done for putting all that down on paper (well, email) - the fact that you can share it with everyone shows how far you have come in your recovery.
I think you are a fantastic mum - you would have stopped bothering to look after Sam a long time ago if you weren't a good mum. It is difficult to be perfect when you are undergoing personal difficulties. You are doing your best and that's what counts.
Your advice to people on this website is invaluable and it is great that you have shared your story in this way.
As for grudges, it's the hardest thing in the world to let go. I have a couple of grudges against people (mainly my dad) which i know contributed to my panic attacks. The fact that you were able to let go of your grudges shows what a strong person you are.
Take care,
Henri

[lainey]

Sal

I admire you so much for putting pen to paper , so to speak.
You are truly a remarkable lady, considering what you have been through.
I hope that writing it all down has helped you on the road to recovery with Simon by your side.

Take care

Elaine x

[sal]

Thank you for all your great replies and yes Meg at last i am able to confront and admit to how my life has being. I will put it altogether in the hope that others can gain comfort from it. I once thought i could never do that but at the moment now i feel so much stronger i want to share it and hope it helps others.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.