sal
07-06-05, 00:55
I read posts every day and see how people are struggling and i try to offer the best support i can. I am not ignorant at all to how people feel and i have suffered it myself and at times before i found this site i felt alone and no one could suffer like i did.
So my story, at last i am strong enought to be open and honest and tell it how it is. I had a hard childhood but nothing to me as i knew no better. I remember my dad hitting me and my brother but didnt think that was wrong. I spent nights in hospital with my brothers injuries and was told that i knew nothing if a doctor talked to me.
I spent my time at boarding school and although away from the abuse, wetting the bed and hiding the sheets from monday until friday didnt do me any favours.
Then i left school and was kicked out of my home but i made my way, got a job and made the best of it and had some great friends to see me through. Got married for all the wrong reasons, but Sam came out of that and i needed someone at last that loved me for only one reason, that she loved me. My marriage went wrong and yes i hurt but all for the wrong reasons, then on day as a prison officer i woke up and i couldnt cope after seeing a big fight at work, but as Sam was only 2 who could i turn to. I turned to my mum as wasnt sure anyone else would care. Biggest mistake i made as she didnt care and made me feel worse, why didnt i turn to my friends, well because i didnt know what was happening to me. I was Sal then suddenly i was a wreck that knew nothing and i was so frightened i didnt know what to do or how to feel.
That was my darkest day, from then on i tried lots of tablets, thought i was getting better, but i knew no better, when really they were making me worse. I went on holiday with my friends and remember them cutting bread for a sandwich and i cowered and that carried on. Yet again offered anothe tablet, felt as bad but then offered another. My life continued but i wasnt included, the tablets let the way. I tried loads and eventually i couldnt take anymore, i considered taking all the pain away but for Sam how could i do that.
I lost her to her dad for about 3 weeks and i didnt care but my doctor again offered me the meds i am on now, what did i have to lose i had lost my daughter, my friends that i thought cared and my sanity. I was a shadow of the Sal everyone knew but no one wanted or was prepared to help me get it back.
I chose the tablets as what did i have to lose, nothing apart from myself.
I persevered and eventually i wanted to be a mum, not a good one but at least i could be there.
It hurt and i found it so hard to give Sam what she needed as i had no confidence and believed in all my bad thoughts.
I lost friends through it and gained some when i was weak.
That made me get through it but now i am stronger and can cope, the friends that couldnt cope are suddenly here for me whereas the friend that could are no longer to be seen. Me being as ill as i was and i was and dont want sympathy at all but if someone got a knife and fork out i imagined what i could do with them. The nights were the hardest, alone and all those thoughts scared me until i was so scared to move in case i could act out the thoughts.
So now my friends are happy for me but the ones when i was weak left my side as i got stronger, now i have Simon and i am happy they want to be part of my life.
I dont hold grudges, why should i, i learnt the hard way, but why when i got stronger did they leave me. I have posted about Sharon before and now over the last year she has proved how sorry she is and i have no doubts.
I know i am not completely cured but when i look back it does scare me how ill i was, but i got there and it wasnt easy. Wanting or feeling you dont love your daughter and scared you might harm her nearly wrecked me, but along with CBT and med and the site i found my way. My story could be alot more detailed and i have rambled on enough but for those that are struggling i can advise you all you need but to see it written down and someon
So my story, at last i am strong enought to be open and honest and tell it how it is. I had a hard childhood but nothing to me as i knew no better. I remember my dad hitting me and my brother but didnt think that was wrong. I spent nights in hospital with my brothers injuries and was told that i knew nothing if a doctor talked to me.
I spent my time at boarding school and although away from the abuse, wetting the bed and hiding the sheets from monday until friday didnt do me any favours.
Then i left school and was kicked out of my home but i made my way, got a job and made the best of it and had some great friends to see me through. Got married for all the wrong reasons, but Sam came out of that and i needed someone at last that loved me for only one reason, that she loved me. My marriage went wrong and yes i hurt but all for the wrong reasons, then on day as a prison officer i woke up and i couldnt cope after seeing a big fight at work, but as Sam was only 2 who could i turn to. I turned to my mum as wasnt sure anyone else would care. Biggest mistake i made as she didnt care and made me feel worse, why didnt i turn to my friends, well because i didnt know what was happening to me. I was Sal then suddenly i was a wreck that knew nothing and i was so frightened i didnt know what to do or how to feel.
That was my darkest day, from then on i tried lots of tablets, thought i was getting better, but i knew no better, when really they were making me worse. I went on holiday with my friends and remember them cutting bread for a sandwich and i cowered and that carried on. Yet again offered anothe tablet, felt as bad but then offered another. My life continued but i wasnt included, the tablets let the way. I tried loads and eventually i couldnt take anymore, i considered taking all the pain away but for Sam how could i do that.
I lost her to her dad for about 3 weeks and i didnt care but my doctor again offered me the meds i am on now, what did i have to lose i had lost my daughter, my friends that i thought cared and my sanity. I was a shadow of the Sal everyone knew but no one wanted or was prepared to help me get it back.
I chose the tablets as what did i have to lose, nothing apart from myself.
I persevered and eventually i wanted to be a mum, not a good one but at least i could be there.
It hurt and i found it so hard to give Sam what she needed as i had no confidence and believed in all my bad thoughts.
I lost friends through it and gained some when i was weak.
That made me get through it but now i am stronger and can cope, the friends that couldnt cope are suddenly here for me whereas the friend that could are no longer to be seen. Me being as ill as i was and i was and dont want sympathy at all but if someone got a knife and fork out i imagined what i could do with them. The nights were the hardest, alone and all those thoughts scared me until i was so scared to move in case i could act out the thoughts.
So now my friends are happy for me but the ones when i was weak left my side as i got stronger, now i have Simon and i am happy they want to be part of my life.
I dont hold grudges, why should i, i learnt the hard way, but why when i got stronger did they leave me. I have posted about Sharon before and now over the last year she has proved how sorry she is and i have no doubts.
I know i am not completely cured but when i look back it does scare me how ill i was, but i got there and it wasnt easy. Wanting or feeling you dont love your daughter and scared you might harm her nearly wrecked me, but along with CBT and med and the site i found my way. My story could be alot more detailed and i have rambled on enough but for those that are struggling i can advise you all you need but to see it written down and someon