View Full Version : New here and (still) scared
Hi you all, people.
This is my very first post, and first of all I'd like to introduce myself.
My name is Ignacio, I have just turned 24 and I'm from Buenos Aires - Argentina.
My story goes like this (I'll try to be as brief as I'm able):
Last December I made the HUGE mistake of smoking pot. It was the first time, and regarding how things resulted, it will be the last one.
Many of you may have been through a similar experience: I felt like if I was going to die, or lost all my marbles in the best of the cases.
That night I couldn't sleep. Next day I woke up in a very strong state of alarm. First thing I did was looking in the internet for information about marijuana and it's possible aftermaths.
I became obsessed with the idea of a permanent neurological/brain damage... even when it was only a joint (actually, less than a joint).
It scared me a lot those advices about THC as a trigger of squizophrenia and stuff.
That night I have another panic attack. The second if the bad trip counts as the first.
It was saturday.
By monday I was feeling alright again. Somewhat guilty about what I did (I always had an anti-drug posture), and paranoid, by the way, of any possible sequel. In that time, I was particulary worried about my heart.
I consulted my psychoanalyst about what I did, and if it would result in any further complication. He told me that marijuana itself isn't harmful at all, and what I had was a panic attack.
I didn't believe him.
So I underwent to a medical check. Blood samples and stuff. 100% clear. My doctor took a look at them. He said I was perfect. I told him too about the marijuana bad trip. He told me that mine reaction was pretty common... and very mild in comparision of some other cases he saw.
I didn't believe him neither.
A week after the pot incident, I had a third panic attack. An so the week after. A panic attack per week, in the term of one month.
Then I started with this thoughts about going crazy, losing touch with reality, dying all of a sudden...
Going outside became a torture.
One day, whilst going back home, I had this horrible experience: people, building, myself, EVERYTHING began to seem unreal. I was sure I was going through a hallucination or something like that.
That feelings sticked around for a while. I'm talking about months.
I quited psychotherapy (which I'd started in August, for reasons unrelated to this, of course), I left university, I stopped attending job interviews.
I became a recluse in my own house.
And in the meantime, everything I found on the web made things worse instead of helping. There are plenty of forums with people saying that DP and DR (terms I learnt after this horrible experience, by the way) sticks forever, that there's no cure for it, an so on.
Well, the thing is that around May I met this girl in another forum (that has nothing to do with health stuff) and we fell in love and we are couple since then. She helped me a lot and I count on her and her support.
I also gave psychotherapy one more try and it's doing ok. My new therapist says that marijuana isn't harmulf, too. And so does my doc, who two weeks ago prescribed me clonazepam (0.5 mg a day; half a pill at morning, half a pill at night), after I told him about my physicall symptoms (nausea, muscular tension, choking, temperature waves, sweat, fear of dying, fear of passing out, etc).
Things are going well, I suposse, but I just can't believe that THC or marijuana or pot (call it what you will) is unharmful. I mean: that bloddy substance is what brought me to this, and it scares and dispears me the fact that it ruined my life...
I stopped seeing my friend, stopped doing the things that fill my heart...
Please, I just can't carry this anymore. I don't know if I'm feeling better of if I'm just trying to fool myself and everything's just like the very first day.
Thanks for reading, thank you so much in advance for your time, indeed.
And sorry for my english, I never learnt it properly.
Hope you all are doing ok.
Sometimes certain things can be a trigger, especially drugs. It's the feeling of no control over the situation I think...some people enjoy that feeling, whereas for others it can send them into a state of panic...which then can become a continual cycle. Its not necesarily the drug that caused it (usually the pyscological effects are from prolonged useage) but more likely the effects of it...the feeling it gave you, if that makes sense? You didn't say what you were originally seeing the therapist for,but perhaps there may be a link. Sometimes these things can be related to something deep in your subconsious. DP and DR are NOT permanent, they can be dealt with I promise you! I used to be in a permanent state of both but as I get better I experience it less and less. There is always hope and you can get better so don't give up!! :) Congratulations on meeting someone that makes you so happy, good luck :) x
Thanks for your reply, BabyDoll.
I'll reply you now quickly, 'cos I'm going to have dinner in a minute. Then I'll take the time to give you a more detailed answer.
The reasons I underwent theraphy BEFORE the marijuana episode... Well, I wonder the same thing you ask a couple of times.
My analyst said that the pot was the cherry on the cake... In that time I was specially stressed and worried about my career and my vocation. I guess that had something to do.
Nevertheless, this is just a quick answer. I'll give you a further one later.
Thanks for reading again :)
Hi,
I would agree with you from personal experience here too that Marujuana definitely (at least for me) can bring on psychosis or a panic attack etc. I remember when I just started University and my mind was pretty healthy and normal the stuff only made me sleepy but then a few years later after a bad relationship and much more stress (I had been repeating phrases in my head for like 1 phrase for 1.5 years and then another for 1 year etc.) the weed sent me totally nuts. Was quite similar to what you wrote because I remember feeling that I had lost my mind because it was running so fast and that I would never get it back again.
Eventually I finished university and moved back home and haven't touched the weed etc. since (even cigarettes would set me off sometimes). I still suffer panic attacks but they're different now (probably because of more personal problems last year) but I'm also prescribed an antipsychotic which helps mellow me out a bit and I'm not hanging out with the same friends etc. anymore which I think helps me because I think peer pressure was quite a big issue for me with smoking.
Anyway was cool to hear the story and hopefully will get better. I definitely agree though that weed has far too good a reputation for what it can do (Valium on the other hand - now there's a medication I could take a box of if they let me! :))
Many thanks,
P. (M)
To BabyDoll:
I started undergoing psychotheraphy on May 2007 because of certain issues such as -mainly- my career. I was studying Fine Arts at college and suddenly I felt that something wasn't right. I mean... Professor where too lazy and/or not demanding enough, there were burocratical obstacles and institutional failures, and etcetera. The thing is that I became disheartened, with such scenario, it was obvius to me that I would never make it, I would never get my degree.
So I left University. And enrolled myself in Journalism.
I don't know what I was thinking of. Journalism has nothing to do with me.
Well... Also there were other problems that emerged during therapy. Rituals, obsessive thoughts, and what amazes me the most, that thing that P(M) talks about: the mental repetition of phrases.
And one more thing that it took me some effort to realise and recognize and accept and deal with: the fact of being a virgin at 23. (And I'm still a virgin; the difference now is that I'm currently in a relationship, something that makes me very very happy, as I never thought I'd be).
I guess that chosing a career that has nothing to do with my vocation is a very important point. It kind of emphasizes that feeling of dettatchment and not-being-here, not-belonging-here. I don't know.
And to P (M):
I appreciate very much your reply, but there's one thing I think that must be taken not so lightly... The use of the term "psychosis". Despite my feelings of dettatchment and numbing and etcetera, I never lost contact with reality, and -the most important, though I don't trust doctors- I was never diagnosed as psychotic. (Though I'm actually diagnosed as anxious and obsessive).
To stop seeing certain kind of people is a wise decision. Nevertheless, I regret it somehow. Why? Because one of those friends (she was present when I smoked pot) had a very similar episode. Next day I called her on the phone to ask her if it was common to have such feelings of paranoia and stress, and she told me yes, it's way too common. "In fact", she said, "it happened to me once, and I lost all sense of world" (sic) Then, she also said that "immediatly I was given meds, and now I'm perfectly fine". We had a fight pretty soon after that -because of how I was feeling (I blame them, I said I hated them, etc)., and there were no chance no more to ask her about that "losing sense of the world" thing.
I'll be okey if someone who has been through this comes and tells me that everything's gonna be fine. I don't mind about anxiety or depression, or even both at the same time.
What scares me the most it's to have permament brain damage, or that the THC sticks in my system forever, having screwed up my neuronal conections and stuff. (My doctors says there's no chance, no in a million years, but I don't know why I can't trust them).
Thanks again.
Hugs.
You WILL be ok, just remember that. I understand that you may not trust doctors saying that, possibly as they have probably never experienced it themselves...but I have had similar experience,and I'm getting there...so can you :) It's the obsessive thoughts which are making you constantly think about the damage that the drug has caused...the drug will have long gone from your system (especially seeing as it was only once) by now, the thing that remains is effectively in your head, as I said before- the effects of it, not the drug itself. Also from what you said about your previous reasons for therapy, this shows that you already had anxiety and leanings in that direction...something to think about.
I do agree with you P (M). with long term useage,cannabis can have a really bad effect on the mind...unfortunately alot of people refuse to acknowledge this, and ending up finding out the hard way. Alot more could be done to educate people of the risks. x
You WILL be ok, just remember that. I understand that you may not trust doctors saying that, possibly as they have probably never experienced it themselves...but I have had similar experience involving substance abuse, and I'm getting there :) It's the obsessive thoughts which are making you constantly think about the damage that the drug has caused...the drug will have long gone from your system (especially seeing as it was only once) by now, the thing that remains is effectively in your head, as I said before- the effects of it, not the drug itself. Also from what you said about your previous reasons for therapy, this shows that you already had anxiety and leanings in that direction...something to think about. I do agree with you P (M). with long term useage cannabis can have a really bad effect on the mind...unfortunately alot of people refuse to acknowledge this, and ending up finding out the hard way. xYou are SOOO right about the later, and also is P(M), of course.
The reason I don't trust the doctors is very difficult to explain. I mean... When I was first diagnosed a GAD (a month after smoking cannabis), I just could not believe my shrink*. The symptoms were so unreal, so unexplainable, so terrifying, so supernatural that I started to think that I was caught up and trapped in some kind of alternative dimension (?) or time warp.
I still can't believe that anxiety (or even depression) can produce symptoms such as dp and dr.
(Actually, I've only experienced dp once; it lasted no more than half an hour, but it was scary enough to make me feel like I was going to lose all my marbles).
Thanks again, BabyDoll. You have no idea of how much I appreciate the mere fact that other people pay attention to what I need to say and even take their time to reply. Indeed, I'm so grateful.
Hugs.
*I'm not sure** whether shrink applies to psychoanalysts or psychiatrists or both. In this case, I'm refering to the first ones.
**Sorry again for my syntax and grammar, please.
No problem,I'm to glad to be of some help :) Well, the brain is very powerful and very complex isn't it...so much is still unknown about it, so to me it's really not surprising that it can make such strange things happen to you especially when it's under strain. Someone said something to me a while back that really helped: if you have the rationality to think that you're going crazy...then you probably aren't! i.e if you were actually losing the plot, you most likely wouldn't be aware of it. Fearing this is very common amongst anxiety sufferers, you're not alone :) x
Well cannabis virtually harmless. The reason it makes some people panic is because it expands their awareness in that they experience effects they have never felt while sober. Some people find this enjoyable, some people find it disturbing. Ever since my first bad panic attack on it, I have always feared anything mind altering because my brain jus relates andthing mind altering to something that causes panic because of one incient. Before it, I used to love the stuff and NEVER had fears about drugs, herbs, or anything related.
Its not the actualy the drug itself that gave anxiety though. You could have had anything else but because you had a panic attack, your brain subconciously remembers and associates it.
Hey Carver..
This is my first post on the forums, but just read your thread and had an uncanny bit of deja vu.
I had happen almost exactly what you've just described....was at uni and working part time (loads of stress), broke up with my then girlfriend....the only difference was that I had a bad experience on ecstacy not marajuana.... :blush:
In my opinion, the truth is it's not the drug that was sole the cause....it was the situation and the drug that lead to the panic attacks.
Here's another eye opening truth that will only come with experience. You may not be able to see it now, but this is a positive experience you're having!
How could that be the case you might ask when I feel so crap!
For me, this was a huge leap in understanding how I worked (physically and emotionally) and was a true catalyst for positive change....
I just had to chime in and let you know that... life will go on....you will feel 'normal' again...I guarantee it....
The problem is at the moment this is all new to you and you can't see the woods from the trees so to speak. What you're experiencing is really normal when it comes to panic and you are not loosing your marbles or going to keel over. It's just normal physiological symptoms to what your body is going thru...
A few pointers from my experiences.
The more you try to fight it the more you give it power so.....just realize that it's not as scary as your body makes it out to be. Let it come and let it go and it will pass.
Be proactive...
Get on to a good psychologist/psychiatrist. Look into some therapies like CBT and ACT (which I found really helpful not just for panic but for life in general).
Don't be afraid or too big to try medication if that's what it takes...we all need help sometimes and regardless of all the negative SSRI hype out there on the internet they may be of great help to you in getting better (they sure were for me). There might be a bit of a lag (couple weeks) before you start to feel better but in my experience they will get you feeling 'normal' again before you know it.
Anyway mate, take care and above all keep your head up and know that as they say "this too will pass" because it will.
How do we know? Because we've all been where you are....
R :)
Well cannabis virtually harmless. The reason it makes some people panic is because it expands their awareness in that they experience effects they have never felt while sober. Some people find this enjoyable, some people find it disturbing. Ever since my first bad panic attack on it, I have always feared anything mind altering because my brain jus relates andthing mind altering to something that causes panic because of one incient. Before it, I used to love the stuff and NEVER had fears about drugs, herbs, or anything related.
Its not the actualy the drug itself that gave anxiety though. You could have had anything else but because you had a panic attack, your brain subconciously remembers and associates it.Something I forgot to mention were a few incidents I had last year too, before that day.
One afternoon, at home, I was watching tv and all of a sudden my heart started to race like crazy. I was feeling short of breath and for a couple of minutes I thought that I was going to pass away from one moment to the other. As I said, it lasted only a few minutes. But was very scary. Nevertheless, I didn't give a damn about it.
And there were also some occasions, at parties specially, by night, when I had this horrible feeling of that something BAD was about to happen. I remember I was affraid of having drinking too much (when actually there were never more than two or three glasses of beer) or even eating too much, that I might puke in front of everybody. (I don't know if I'm clear; sorry again for my english). It's hard to explain, but suddenly, I started to feel dizzy and with some kind of nausea, and I didn't feel alright again unless I went back home. (In fact, I left many of those parties pretty soon, very early in comparision of the rest of the guests).
I wonder if those episodes were some kind of prelude of panic.
Thank you so much, djvtech ;)
Hey Carver..
This is my first post on the forums, but just read your thread and had an uncanny bit of deja vu.
I had happen almost exactly what you've just described....was at uni and working part time (loads of stress), broke up with my then girlfriend....the only difference was that I had a bad experience on ecstacy not marajuana.... :blush:
In my opinion, the truth is it's not the drug that was sole the cause....it was the situation and the drug that lead to the panic attacks.
Here's another eye opening truth that will only come with experience. You may not be able to see it now, but this is a positive experience you're having!
How could that be the case you might ask when I feel so crap!
For me, this was a huge leap in understanding how I worked (physically and emotionally) and was a true catalyst for positive change....
I just had to chime in and let you know that... life will go on....you will feel 'normal' again...I guarantee it....
The problem is at the moment this is all new to you and you can't see the woods from the trees so to speak. What you're experiencing is really normal when it comes to panic and you are not loosing your marbles or going to keel over. It's just normal physiological symptoms to what your body is going thru...
A few pointers from my experiences.
The more you try to fight it the more you give it power so.....just realize that it's not as scary as your body makes it out to be. Let it come and let it go and it will pass.
Be proactive...
Get on to a good psychologist/psychiatrist. Look into some therapies like CBT and ACT (which I found really helpful not just for panic but for life in general).
Don't be afraid or too big to try medication if that's what it takes...we all need help sometimes and regardless of all the negative SSRI hype out there on the internet they may be of great help to you in getting better (they sure were for me). There might be a bit of a lag (couple weeks) before you start to feel better but in my experience they will get you feeling 'normal' again before you know it.
Anyway mate, take care and above all keep your head up and know that as they say "this too will pass" because it will.
How do we know? Because we've all been where you are....
R :)Yes, I totally agree with you, ArJay. This horrible situation gave me many chances of redeeming myself in several ways.
First of all, it brought me closer to my family in such way I can't tell. But it was a great improvement in what it comes to communication and stuff.
Another positive thing was that made me aware of the extent of my "self-demandingness" (please correct me if the term is wrong). I've been always a very perfectionist person, so self-demanding and obsessive, and now I'm trying to take things easier.
And my girlfriend. Depersonalizated people always complain about their sudden lack of emotions. Well, knowing her brought me back all the emotions I thought I'd lost. She's my everything, my world, the person I love the most, and I don't want to know where and how would I be now if I'd never met her.
And lately I'm having these irrepressible urge to start doing things. I'm thinking about having plans for the first time in a long while, and the future begins to seem something possible, clouds are starting to clear, and I happiness doesn't mean to me something impossible anymore.
But the truth is that I'm still scared, or sort of.
I'm scared I did something that could have wrecked my life forever. And I feel very guilty and frustrated for having past this year without doing anything productive. Sometimes I do feel like a failure. And even when I did some improvements alone, with nothing more than talk therapy, I started to take clonazepam (which I have prescribed from my doctor; I'm agains all kind of self-medication) just because I could not bear the physical symptoms anymore.
I don't want to depend forever on that drug. (Specially because I can't drink no alcohol at all, hehe). But my doctor said that it takes some time for the body to get used to meds. So even though I expect no miracle nor magic solution, I wonder if clonazepam will keep making me feel better and better, or it will become unuseful after some time.
Well, those are my fears.
Thanks for the patience, and thank you so much ArJay for your encouraging words.
I'll keep in touch.
Hugs.
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