View Full Version : TERRIFIED, Can't Believe I'm Not Dying ...
The meds (Ranitidine) to limit the acid in my stomach aren't working, I've had a night from hell and this had been going on for over 2 months. All this reminds me of how my mother died back in '77. She kept going to the doctors and they kept telling her there was nothing wrong. Then they finally took her into hospital to have her gall bladder removed and found she was "riddled with cancer" - she was dead in five days. It's like a nightmare scenario playing itself out again and I can't cope anymore on my own. Even the way she was treated in hospital was appalling. I can't believe I can feel this ill and have nothing more serious than gastritis and acid reflux. I wish I had the courage to kill myself, because this isn't living, it's existing in hell. I can't beat it however hard I try. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP.
How long have you been taking the tablets for reflux they take awhile to work. Have you got any family. Try not to attach danger to your symptoms as this will make it worse. I take it you have had all the tests for this I have and then we have to accept that we are ok to get better. I am sending you HUGS as I know how scary it is to be that frightend.
OK Helen.
1. It's not surprising that you are afraid, considering what you had to watch your mother go through.
2. That was 1977. Medical science has come a long way since then. Did your mother have the same investigations as you have had? It's much, much less likely that the doctors would miss something now than they would have then. Especially given that they know your family history, so will be SPECIFICALLY LOOKING for symptoms of stomach cancer in you. They wouldn't have been with your mother.
The fear is the thing that is making you feel so awful, and struggling against it is debilitating.
I don't know if this can help you, but you have to try to let go of the fear.
So much easier said than done, right? The problem is that your fear will never be satisfied; no one can ever give you a 100%, cast-iron, not-the- slightest-sliver-of-doubt guarantee that you do not have or will not have a disease that you fear. Such a thing does not exist.
So what to do? Your choices appear to be to live in fear (unbearable), to take your own life (what a terrible waste), or to do the precise opposite of both of those things - continue to live as long as you can, but without fear. How to achieve that is the tricky bit.
Rather than sit and think about your symptoms and the disease that you might or might not have (by the way, have you ever heard of Schrodinger and his cat thought experiment? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schrodingers_cat) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schrodingers_cat%29), go and do something that you like doing. What, at this point, have you got to lose?
Thanks Bumbles and LeeBee. I've been taking Ranitidine for a month. I had a Barium Swallow about three weeks ago and all they found was Gastritis and Acid Reflux. No, I don't have any family, I've been on my own since 1977, due to abuse as a child can't have relationships. I'm agoraphobic so it's difficult to keep friendships going - although there are people I talk to on the phone - the phone is my lifeline. I can't cope with the nights because I wouldn't dream of disturbing anyone, I'm so alone and literally TERRIFIED. Have an appointment with the doctor who prescribed the meds at 10:20, but I'm afraid she will tell me off for being a nuisance.
Hey
Try not to worry I think stomach cancer would have showed itself by now, please do not think of ending your life, its just very tough at the moment, I was reading a book the other day and there was a quote that said sucide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. please if you feel that desperate phone someone.
Tell your GP how bad you feel.
Heather
Helen
I do exactly the same as you. My mam died of cancer in 1985 and my health anx is through the roof at the minute. I'm going to the docs at 10.25 this morning.
I know how hard it is when you are so anx about your health as I am in the same postion. Your anx and thoughts will be making your stomach problems worse. I know how hard it is when you are alone with these fears. My hubby is at work til 7pm, but at least I only have to cope til then.
Suicide is not the answer. You will get through this honest. Talk to your doctor, write stuff down that you need to say as I always forget things and kick myself afterwards. I am always in such a state by the time I get into the room.
You need to tell the doctor how you are feeling even the thoughts about wishing you had the courage to kill yourself. I don't think the doctor will panic on hearing this and ring for the men in white coats as suicidal people usually don't talk about whether or not they have the courage to do it. My ex partner committed suicide 3 months before we were due to marry. Suicide isn't about having courage, so I think you are just feeling really lost and alone with these feelings right now. But telling the doctor just how bad things are may get you some help. Just saying you feel really bad isn't enough, everyone's definition of bad is different. Voicing your thoughts will help to illustrate the depths of your despair at the way you are feeling.
Try to distract yourself from these thoughts as they are consuming you. I know how easy it is to let negative thoughts take hold, cos I am there right now. I was this time last year too, convinced I was dying, I'm still here!! Maybe you need some counselling for your loss, and if you have had some you need some more. You need to talk through this properly and once your fears are out there and thoroughly talked about they may not seem quite as scary.
Take care
Thanks Bumbles and LeeBee. I've been taking Ranitidine for a month. I had a Barium Swallow about three weeks ago and all they found was Gastritis and Acid Reflux. No, I don't have any family, I've been on my own since 1977, due to abuse as a child can't have relationships. I'm agoraphobic so it's difficult to keep friendships going - although there are people I talk to on the phone - the phone is my lifeline. I can't cope with the nights because I wouldn't dream of disturbing anyone, I'm so alone and literally TERRIFIED. Have an appointment with the doctor who prescribed the meds at 10:20, but I'm afraid she will tell me off for being a nuisance.
Hello there!
How old are you?
I think at this stage your are better off seeing a phsychiatrist as they are trained medical Drs who then went on to study the brain.
You will need to ask for a refferal from your GP, you must do this to help yourself, if you don't ask your gp, you will be giving up on yourself.:scared15:
Make it clear to your gp that you need help, now.. stop treating the symptoms and treat the cause ie: your depression and anxiety.
Once you know your are going to get proper help it will get better for you and then when the treatment starts you wil slowly be able to have a life again.
Please make sure you seek the help you need, as i had to do this and yes it's embarassing but I am very healthy and happy now.
I am on medication and seeing someone.
Good luck.:hugs:
I've already been referred to a psychiatrist at my local Mental Health Crisis Team. I think because of my age, 65, nobody really knows what to do with me. I've suffered from H/A since my dad died suddenly when I was 9. They just tell me I'm caught in the Valium trap - I've been on it since I was in my teens. I know I haven't dealt emotionally with the bereavements I've suffered or the abuse and think that might be part of the problem. I shut down emotionally years ago - partly due to the effects of the Valium - and can't cope if anyone sees me cry. After my dad died I was sexually abused if I cried. The psychiatrist is OK, at least he listens to me and doesn't treat me like some lower form of life, but I'm not due to see him again until next week.
I'm pleased you are seeing someone.
Yes, valium is addictive but that was not known so well when you were prescribed it years ago. It's a shame you now have to deal with that. It's not easy.
You sound like you feel you are worthless? this i would assume is because of how you were treated.. AGAIN, NOT YOUR FAULT!
Have you told you psyc exactly what you are telling us here? you could print out these pages.
Your not worthless, no one is, your self esteem has been torn down during your life by people who didn't understand or were just plain evil.
Back in the days my mother had ocd and anxiety/depression, however she kept her mouth shut because unfortunatly Drs in those days just didn't have knowledge and they shut you away, to be mentaly unwell was looked down upon.
HOW awful it must have felt to be alone, I am sorry you have had to grow up in such enviroments.
However now days there is an understanding of mental problems and Drs are starting to learn how our childhood and parents make such an impact on our mental health.
Just because your Mum couldn't take care of you doesn't mean it was because of you!!!! it's because she had a problem.
I really hope you try your best to work with your psyc and try for a nromal life. you are not too old, you never will be and your a human being and that counts, lots of people out there would love to be your friend and share time with you.
So do those people a favour, get better and go make friends with them.
There are cakes to be made and tea to drink, movies to watch and walks in the park to be taken,
Hello BNCfan,
Really sorry to hear how you are suffering, and it is so much more difficult when you are on your own.
Hang on to the fact you have just been tested for acid reflux, and nothing life threatening has been picked up. The condition you have obviously causes nasty symptoms, and sometimes we don't all respond to the same medications in the same way - so it might be you will be tried on something else. Try not to be frightenend, we all know what it is like when the anxiety kicks in, and words of comfort are so difficult to believe, but try to keep level headed. You know we are here for you, so please keep on posting - we understand the way you feel.
I am pleased you will be seeing your psychiatrist soon - talking things through with someone you can trust with your feelings makes all the difference. :hugs:
I wish I had the magic answer to all of our woes. For me it is very day to day. I find that watching a funny movie helps get me in a better mood. One good trick is for health anxiety is to take a disease you can't possibly have (testicular cancer if you are a woman) and google for its symptoms and the symptoms you are having. Odds are you will find somebody out there saying that some of your symptoms are the same. What this does is show you how vague many things are and how irrational we can all be. I have struggled with HA for years and there are times that I am so overwhelmed but forums like this help me cope. Take care and know you are not alone.
I can't begin to tell you all how much I appreciate your kindness. Because I feel anonymous here I feel able to express things I don't normally tell anyone. I had phobias and anxiety all through boarding school, which was a convent and the nuns weren't exactly kind and punished me if I had panic attacks and locked me up on my own because I used to cry at night. I always thought I was going to die in my sleep or in church. Then when I left school the family of the man my mother worked for - my dad had been a vicar, so when he died we were homeless and she had to find work - pulled strings to have me kept in a psychiatric hospital. They had all the power because they were both doctors. I wasn't sectioned, but in those days being in a psychiatric hospital, particularly in Ireland where we were living at the time, amounted to little better than another form of abuse. We were all drugged up to the eyes, there was no talking therapy and the stigma attached to having been in a psychiatric hospital was enormous. My mother never visited me. Her employer died while I was in hospital and left his bungalow to her for as long as she needed somewhere to live. But when she died his family couldn't get me out fast enough and I was homeless, institutionalised and alone. I thought the only friend I had in the world was the Valium and at that time I abused it terribly, I was taking 10mg tablets by the handful because I thought they were the only things that made me acceptable as a human being. I was homeless in London for about four years and eventually got offered a council flat on a really rough housing estate, that was around 1981, which is where I still am today. Although I was registered disabled due to the phobias and anxiety for most of my possible working life, a really helpful pyschologist motivated me to get onto a year-long rehabilitation course for people with long term disabilities at the end of the 80s and after that I did manage to hold down a good job for about twelve years before I retired at 61. I only take small amounts of Valium these days compared to what I used to take. My latest problems kicked off after I went to visit a disabled friend in Ireland - I hadn't been back since my mother died. I'm terrified of flying and never wanted to see Ireland again, but I've known my friend since we were in our teens and she has had cancer and kept ringing me up and crying saying she would never see me again. So I booked a flight and went over there at the end of July and came back in August. It was soon after that that this latest period of physical symptoms and chronic anxiety started. I know in some way it's all tied up with my visit to Ireland and the bad memories it churned up regarding my mother's death and the abuse I underwent there for so many years. But knowing that doesn't help me sort it out. Sorry for rambling on, I didn't mean to write a novel, but it's been therapeutic just getting it down on paper. Love and hugs to you all for your kindness - especially if you've read this to the end.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Hey I read it through to the end what an interesting story, I think it is really sad though, however I think your recent troubles are tied up in your return to Ireland, it has probably opened the whole can of worms for you, remember you have beaten this sort of thing before ie getting your flat and managing to work for years, you have so much to offer, have a word with the doctor, try an anxiety management course, do you have women's centres down your way, places where they have groups and classes you would be surprised how many other people suffer from similar things.
Good Luck
Heather
Hello BNCfan,
You clearly have had a huge amount to trauma to contend with in your life; but as you say knowing where all the anxiety stems from doesn't necessarily sort it out - we are still left with the fall out.
Sometimes, understanding some of the reasons why we are the way we are helps to rationalise it all during the times we are able to set the anxiety aside and reflect.
Health anxiety is a real misery, if only we could enjoy each day as it comes, and not be so preoccupied with death. There is a saying - those who are scared of dying never learn to live.
I do hope you will be feeling stronger soon, and that you will continue to find comfort on this forum. There are so many lovely supportive people here.
Take care. :hugs:
To have gone through all that in your life and be a survivour shows how strong you are, much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am sure that writing everything down will be very good for you. Maybe though it is time for us all to stop wondering what made us like this and learn ways of living for the future with hope and courage.:bighug1: Lots of hugs and kisses
I can't begin to tell you all how much I appreciate your kindness. Because I feel anonymous here I feel able to express things I don't normally tell anyone. I had phobias and anxiety all through boarding school, which was a convent and the nuns weren't exactly kind and punished me if I had panic attacks and locked me up on my own because I used to cry at night. I always thought I was going to die in my sleep or in church. Then when I left school the family of the man my mother worked for - my dad had been a vicar, so when he died we were homeless and she had to find work - pulled strings to have me kept in a psychiatric hospital. They had all the power because they were both doctors. I wasn't sectioned, but in those days being in a psychiatric hospital, particularly in Ireland where we were living at the time, amounted to little better than another form of abuse. We were all drugged up to the eyes, there was no talking therapy and the stigma attached to having been in a psychiatric hospital was enormous. My mother never visited me. Her employer died while I was in hospital and left his bungalow to her for as long as she needed somewhere to live. But when she died his family couldn't get me out fast enough and I was homeless, institutionalised and alone. I thought the only friend I had in the world was the Valium and at that time I abused it terribly, I was taking 10mg tablets by the handful because I thought they were the only things that made me acceptable as a human being. I was homeless in London for about four years and eventually got offered a council flat on a really rough housing estate, that was around 1981, which is where I still am today. Although I was registered disabled due to the phobias and anxiety for most of my possible working life, a really helpful pyschologist motivated me to get onto a year-long rehabilitation course for people with long term disabilities at the end of the 80s and after that I did manage to hold down a good job for about twelve years before I retired at 61. I only take small amounts of Valium these days compared to what I used to take. My latest problems kicked off after I went to visit a disabled friend in Ireland - I hadn't been back since my mother died. I'm terrified of flying and never wanted to see Ireland again, but I've known my friend since we were in our teens and she has had cancer and kept ringing me up and crying saying she would never see me again. So I booked a flight and went over there at the end of July and came back in August. It was soon after that that this latest period of physical symptoms and chronic anxiety started. I know in some way it's all tied up with my visit to Ireland and the bad memories it churned up regarding my mother's death and the abuse I underwent there for so many years. But knowing that doesn't help me sort it out. Sorry for rambling on, I didn't mean to write a novel, but it's been therapeutic just getting it down on paper. Love and hugs to you all for your kindness - especially if you've read this to the end.
I think you should write a book about your life, name and shame the people who treated you this way and just get it all off your chest.
Ask your psychiatrist what he/she thinks about that first.
Keep plugging away and just remember you are not alone, we talk to each other for help all the time.:bighug1:
JessicaLynn
31-10-08, 09:40
I've had my bout with acid reflux/indegestion pain and it scared me. I went to the ER and they did an ECG and chest X-ray and everything was fine and they gave me nexium. The medications will work! (it takes sometime)
Keep in mind that we are in an entirely new medical generation and detecting cancer has come leaps and bounds since your mother was diagnosed.
I wish you the best with your health anxiety... its no fun at all and you deserve to have your life back rather than having it consumed by fear.
Hello, I have been following your post, as I had/have the same symptoms. Have you ever had or been tested for Helicobacter Pylori, 80% of people with ulcers have it. I had it 5 years ago but started with acid reflux symptoms about 3 months ago which got worse and worse. I have just started treatment for Helicobacter again and within 3 days am much better. I was like you in a lot of pain and panic and I can't believe how much better I feel now. You can have a blood test for it, might be worth asking for one? Hope this helps and really hope you feel better soon, just wanted to send you lots and lots of love, if you want to compare symptoms please PM me. Janex
Thanks Jane and everybody else who has contributed to this post. No, I haven't been tested for Helicobacter Pylori, but my x-rays didn't show up any ulcerisation, just gastritis and acid reflux. Next time I see the doctor I will mention it if the symptoms don't subside.
I started writing my autobiography a few months back and at first it was very therapeutic, but then I reached a time that was particularly stressful and found I couldn't go on - I was up to Chapter 15. I'd reached the point where I'd fallen in love with a guy my 'tormentors' didn't approve of and they arranged for me to be hospitalised again and given Aversion Therapy, the idea being that it would make me associate any contact with this guy with uncomfortable physical symptoms and therefore put me off him. The therapy was mainly used on homosexuals at the time - I'm hetro - and involved patients being given emetics and artificially induced insulin comas. This guy was the one good thing I'd had in my life and those b..tards did their damndest to take it all away from me. The guy was a struggling musician in those days and now, forty plus years later, he's an internationally successful musician. I still love him, he's still that special person in my life. I don't see him that often these days - our lifestyles are a million miles apart. But there will always be something special between us that nothing and nobody can destroy. If I go to one of his concerts - always in the front row - or see him socially the Aversion Therapy still puts me through hellish physical symptoms. But he's worth it.
Wow Helen. Every time I hear a bit more about your life I'm just full of admiration at how strong you must be to have survived everything you have and still be an intelligent, articulate, compassionate person. I really hope you are able to continue with your autobiography, I'd buy it for sure.
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