View Full Version : I WISH I HADN'T TOLD HER
recently I posted a topic in which I said I told my mum about my weight loss/anxiety etc. She was very supportive and understanding. Now i wish I hadn't told her as now she is constantly on the phone to me telling me how 'guily' she feels and how she thinks it is down to her!!!
I have tried to reassure her but now I feel 'guilty' that she feels 'guilty'!!
Anyone else been in this situation?
Thought i would just get it off mu chest
Love
lucky
Lucky you
My mum would never even contemplate that anything she may have done or said could possibly have contributed to the way that I feel.
Want to swap mums? (Actually, you really don't!)
My mum was quite interested when I started CBT, but then didn't listen, and when I was struggling, kept telling me to take deep breaths, have a glass of wine, and change my attitude. THESE DON'T WORK WOMAN! HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING. Deep breaths make you panic even more, preparing the body for flight, and I don't want to become alcohol dependant, so I need a glass of wine before I go out, plus I'm driving anyway, and wine gives me really bad acid, which doesn't help my nausea. And there is nothing wrong with my outlook. I everybody else (apart from you) laugh.
In the end whenever she broached the subject, I quickly, but NICELY, changed the subject. I am presuming that you have told her exactly how you feel. Have one last go, and explain that her guilt is misplaced, and is making you feel guilty, and is making you worse not better.
And if that doesn't work, use the little one. Everytime she gets on the phone, and the subject comes up, say, I'll have to go mum, little *** is drinking the bleach again. (or something similar).
Not very helpful I'm afraid, but sometimes when people feel guilt like that they become incapable of listening!
Love
Charlie
Kids are handy sometimes!!
I've already told several callers similiar!!
I'm sorry your mum is from that school of thought. it would be nice to have a happy medium like NIc's mum!!
Love
Lucky
It's very difficult sometimes.
I have thought about letting her read Nics My Story, so she can see just how far reaching this problem is, but I don't think she would really take it on board!
I keep telling her that the "Starving Ethiopians would be glad of that" lecture only makes me worse - as well as getting upset that I cannot cure world poverty, it also makes me feel that she thinks that I am like this deliberately!!!! And have control over it. I know we can help ourselves to get better, but I certainly never "thought" myself ill in the first place!
We once (mum, dad and me) went to see a counsellor about an initial consultation. When he suggested that the problem may be caused by family relationships, my parents walked out! And my dad called him a sharlatan.
Can you find another problem for your mum to worry about? Do you have a dog with bald patches, or a friend in a state over something? I find my mum can only be concerned about one thing at a time (mainly because empathy and sympathy are not her strong points), so giving her something else to focus on takes the heat off me.
I remember when the soon to be sectioned boyfriend put all my stuff on his doorstep and phoned me at work at the pub at 11 and told me to collect it that night, I loaded my car up and went home. My mum asked what I was doing and I said I was moving back and Mr Looney Tunes had thrown me out. Her comment (after one year of emotional torture, and weighing in the lightest I have ever been at 8st 12lb) was , well you'll never keep a man whilst ever you have got that stupid horse.
Dont' think you can ever win with parents! I'd love a mum like Luckys' (sometimes).
Have you tried not answering the phone (pretending you are out) and only ringing her when you feel like talking, or leaving the phone off the hook and pretending you were internet shopping!
Charlie
That is awful !!
Have you any brothers or sisters??
Your mum would seem to pick whatever you done, some people are like that I suppose it is just a shame u have got her for a mother. You have turned out great though and have a great outlook in life, but it must be very hard
Unfortunetly I have to phone my mum everyday (if she hasn't phoned me, to make sure she is ok!!!
Take care
Love
lucky
I have a very sympathetic sister
Unfortuately she conforms -
HER Classical music / ME Rock, Indie and Bikers Rallies
HER Long term boyfriend circa 12 years / ME Single for 3 years
HER Own house / ME too poor to move out on my own - have you seen the house prices???
HER Degree / ME got into Uni and never went
HER Good job (teacher) / ME mediocre job for small firm and no se4nse of direction
HER Stopping in every night and watching tele / ME out most nights, visiting friends, playing pool matches, working for the charity I support
HER Home for family tea / ME make myself something later when get back from horses
HER Save save save / ME spend spend spend
Can you guess which column my mum fits into? This is where the differences lie - she cannot see out of her "box". If it doesn't conform to her ideal then its not worth discussing. I have even had to get boyfriends to remove ear-rings and cover up any body adornments. My mum thinks men with piercings want shooting. She once got very upset at after theatre drinks when she declared all disabled people were inadequate!!! She couldn't understand why she was called a Nazi!!! She asked me what I thought and I just said Steven Hawkins. She hadn't got a clue what I was on about.
She does love me really, but is not interested in getting to know me. Does this make sense? I think I will spend the rest of my life desperately trying to please her.
My sister to be fair, loves me like I am, and tries very hard when mum and me are together to stick up for me, as does her fiance. I suppose I am really feeling it at the minute, because the one family person who truly understood me (my late gran - and my mums mum) has died recently.
When she was ill and I was caring for her both my grans best friends said how good I was for my gran, and she wouldn't have been able to cope without me, as my mum "wasn't like me", and my sister couldn't cope. Some people are born tolerant, others aren't I suppose. I always follow my grans philosophy on life - treat others as you find them , and do unto them as you would have done unto you! She met most of my friends, and was more interested in how they spoke and behaved around her, not whether they had a degree, or their nose pierced, which at the end of the day are irrelevant!
The good thing is, that after alot of angst, I realise what the problem is. My mum doesn't, and I can't discuss it with her, so like my anxiety, I have learnt to accept it as an unchangeable part of my life!!! I really don't let it get me down too much now.
Particularly as being the oldest child I get to choose her nursing home! Ha Ha Ha (evil laugh).
Only joking
Love
Charlie
nomorepanic
03-12-03, 20:45
quote:Originally posted by Lucky
I'm sorry your mum is from that school of thought. it would be nice to have a happy medium like NIc's mum!!
All
This may come back to haunt me cos my mum registered on here so I am hoping she never finds the post but here goes.
She feels guilty and responsible for my panic (mainly cos my hypnotherapist did childhood regression and I had a lot of problems with my mum - during hypnotherapy). I told my mum and she feels that she didn't do enough for me or loved me as much as my sister etc etc.
This I do NOT believe atall as I never felt unloved and we had such a lovely up-bringing.
However, when I was really ill I lived in Sheffield and I was alone so I found it hard to cope. None of my family came to see me - they live in Surrey (a long drive I know) so I guess somewhere down the line I felt they didn't care. I kept telling them not to come but they never insisted so it was just left as it was!
Anyway we had a BIG family argument a few years ago at a party. I was talking to my mums mate who has suffered from panic/anxiety/agoraphobia etc most of her life. She simply took my hands in hers and said "I understand you know". That was that I was in tears - someone that understood me, I was so relieved. I went off to the bedroom crying and my mum and sister came in. I said to them "you don't understand" and they both went mad at me. They thought I was saying "YOU DON'T CARE" and we had a big family row. All I meant was that how could they understand if they didn't suffer!
Anyway what came out of it was that they were too scared to tell me most of what when on in the family cos they thought I was close to a nervous breakdown so I never knew half of the problems they had.
So back to today. I called my mum and told her Meg (Radar) was coming to see me on Sunday and explained how I knew her. She says "but you don't have a problem driving yourself, only going in the car with others".
What can I say - most of my panic is when driving alone and she still hasn't got it 10 years on!!
So I am not sure she does understand to be honest. She has never seen me panic so she cannot understand how stressful it is for me to even go and see her cos it involves the M25 (aggghh).
Anyway, thought I would share this with you cos I know how it feels to have a mum that not only feels really guilty but also doesn't really understand
Nicola
nomorepanic
03-12-03, 21:12
quote:Originally posted by Lottie32
I have thought about letting her read Nics My Story, so she can see just how far reaching this problem is, but I don't think she would really take it on board!
Charlie
My mum hasn't even read "my story" - she said it would upset her!
Nicola
Thanks for that Nic
It's really hard. My mum is my mum, and I love her, and she loves me. She just has a very strong personality, that has some edges that really could have done with smoothing out.
I sometimes wonder if she is my grans daughter - they are so different it's untrue.
I can so relate to your story. I've lost count of the times my mum says she understands, the tells me to "grit my teeth, hold my head up and get out there and do it". I'm not a negative person, and I really do try, BUT ITS NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY!
Philip Larkin got it right in his poem, "They fcuk you up your parents do ..." (even when it's not intentional, and done with love!!!!)
Thats the other reason for not wanting kids - I don't want to turn into my mum !!!! (LOL)
Love
Charlie
Nicola,
That what I get for being so presumptious!!
Never assume anything I should know that by know!!
Love
lucky
Charlie,
It's great that your sister is supportive. (loved the gag about the nursing home)
It seems to me that your sister and you are just completely different with your interests etc!
Are u more like your dad was?
What charity do you do work for? (can I ask)
Lucky
Hi Lucky
Actually, me and my sister share loads of interests too - it's just that I don't share any of mine with my mum, but my sister has some shared interests with her (I think that makes sense). I am much more like my dad - he definitely came nearer to understanding me than my mum, but he was "scared" of my illness. Think its a generation thing - they were both born in the early forties, and were bought up to brush things like mental issues under the carpet.
My dad died in the Nightingale Continuing Care Unit at Derby. I used to work in a pub in the local village, and one or two people were in one day, saying how good it would be if we could get the "festival day" up and running again. Over drinks a group was formed, and I was nominated and elected secretary (even though I didn't want to do it!!!!)
The condition of me accepting was that some of the money raised went to the Macmillan. Eddie and his wife wanted some to go to the Colo-Rectal Unit, as Ed had had bowel cancer, and been saved by surgeons there. And Adys' wife had died of breast cancer, and he wanted a chunk to go to the breast cancer support group at Derby.
(Are you depressed yet???) Anyway, we do all sorts of things over the year, and on average our little village makes between £1,000 - £1,250 each year to donate to each charity.
So if you happen to be in Derbyshire on Spring Bank Holiday Monday and are wanting a cream tea (home made scones), a go on the tombola, bounce on the bouncy castle, a pint in the local and a dance to a live blues band in the evening, send me an e-mail and I'll give you directions!!!!!
It's great fun (sometimes) and a huge nightmare too!!! But I have made loads of friends, and it's nice to do your bit. We have been meeting once a week, and making Xmas cards and decorations, which has been a laugh - although the obligatory bottle of wine has meant some of them aren't as square as they should be! (Although getting back to a sense of worth - no matter how much I do, or how much we raise, it never seems enough!!!!)
I hate presentation night too, cos it always reminds me that my dad's not here anymore - cos if he was I wouldn't be involved. And I'd rather he be here than proud of me!
Love
Charlie
So many people (including me) always say they will do something to help charity and don't. the fact that you have done it is very admirable (especially with anxiety problems!!)
I'm sure your dad would be very very proud of you and of everything you have achieved and i am so sorry he is not here to share the pleasures of life with you
Take care
lucky
Thanks Lucky
Although if I hadn't been forced into a corner, I'm not sure that I would have been pious enough to be doing it (too selfish really)
Love
Charlie
nomorepanic
04-12-03, 21:12
quote:Originally posted by Lucky
That what I get for being so presumptious!!
Lucky
I love her to bits - I just felt that you needed to know that I have problems with her too - lol - must be a mum thing! I think they feel they have failed us in some way.
I know you didn't mean anything bad by it
Nicola
My mumm is wearing me out. She was admitted to hospital for 3 weeks because of her alcohol problems. She got out last wednesday and started drinking again 2 days ago.
When I spoke to her about it she said she was worried about me!!
I am not taking the blame for her killing herself. She said dying doesn't bother her and that hurts me very much.
She is her own worst enemy now I have to listen to her drunk down the phone saying she is worried. She is wearing me out
Lucky
Dear Lucky
I'm afraid I'm going to sound v harsh again, but you really must try and distance yourself a bit from the emotional side. Like anxiety, panic, OCD and lots of other things, treatment for alcoholism is a choice.
Your mum must want to get better, in the same way we have to force ourselves to leave the house.
The only thing you are capable of doing is supporting her in her actions should she decide that she is going to try and stop drinking.
Your mum has been drinking for a long time before you told her of your problems hasn't she, and I'm afraid that she is just using you as an "excuse".
She has a lovely daughter, and two grand kids, and at the end of the day it's her option. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. (The sectioned boyfriend was an alcoholic, so I've lived with it). He also suffered from manic depression, and was prescribed some tablets from the doctor. He took them for about a month, started to feel better, then decided he was missing the beer too much, so stopped taking them as they didn't mix with alcohol. Within a week he was back to being terribly depressed and inconsolable at times. His daughter lived with his ex wife, and she was banning access whilst he drank, he spent two weeks once in bed, refusing to move, apart from going to the pub at night. He couldn't see that by simply stopping drinking, his life would improve. Instead he blamed everybody else for "making" him drink!!
It was an extremely frustrating time of my life, basically because I was powerless to do anything. I even stopped giving him any money, and buying a few cans of cheap watery lager to drink at home, but he just used to go to the local, and borrow money from people!
Have you thought about lying to your mum? You said that she didn't know, so you told her. Could you now lie and say that you are feeling much better now, to relieve the pressure from you?
It's a very hard one to call, Lucky, alcoholics are so self destructive, but they seem to take you down with them if you are not careful. It's possibly one of the most frustrating illness around, I lost count of the number of times I wanted to "kick" some sense into Al, so he'd stop.
It's really hard, but you have just got to try not to blame yourself for any of this!
You take care of yourself
love
Charlie
Hiya Charlie,
I've tried lying to her (and even telling the truth)by saying I am fine, she just replies 'no you are not!'
I've tried everything tough love, soft love, talking to her, not talking to her. Everything.
My sister is very angry as we cleaned her house an recarpeted everywhere as she was living in a slum (she never let us in for a year we had to post things thru her door for her)
My mum is 49 and I would be v. surprised if she made it to 50.
It was so nice when she was in hospital and sober it was like having my old mum back. (she was sober for 3 years when I was younger)
I need to keep in touch with her cause i couldn't bear the thuoght of her dying and no-one knowing for days.
Very upset that this disease has ruined a lovely person and she doesn't care enough about her life to give up.
Sorry Charlie but i am gutted she was only out og hospital for 1 week!!
lucky
Lucky
It's really hard, particularly as she was in hospital and "better" for three weeks - I suppose you felt like you had got your mum "back".
I don't think I have experienced anything as destructive and frustrating as alcoholism. Nobody who drinks actually seems to care about them.
I can only begin to think how you feel, but I know I felt worthless. I couldn't make Al give up, I wasn't enough. His daughter couldn't make him give up. She wasn't enought. His family couldn't make him give up, they weren't enough.
I really felt like smashing my head against the wall on so many occassions!
Of course you must keep in touch with your mum! What I was trying to convey, was that you must distance yourself a bit, in that you really can't blame yourself. Your mum has a disease, and only she can fight it. George Best is such an example of the destructive powers of alcoholism. Despite everything he has gone through, and everything he's tried, he is still abusing his body and ruining his life. Unfortunately, alcoholics seem to take everybody else with them! I felt really rejected that my being with Al and getting to see his daughter again, and making amends with his family still wasn't enough to kick start him wanting to "get better".
Did she admit herself to hospital? Had she decided to get better then had a relapse? (Don't answer these questions if they are too personal - I won't be offended). Could you get a key to her house (for her own safety), or could she move nearer so it's less of a strain for you to keep an eye on her? Have you thought about getting in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous? I don't necessarily mean for your mum, but I'm sure somebody once told me that they provided help and support for family members who were finding it hard to cope with an alcoholic in the family. I think sometimes you have to be a bit selfish, and although you obviously care alot for your mum, you must still make sure you are getting help and support for yourself too!!!
It's no consolation, but it says a lot about what a caring unselfish person you are that you haven't given up on her.
Love
Charlie
Hi Charlie,
She was admitted to hospital after i contacted the social works because she told me she wasn't eating and she was crawling around.
The social works contacted the doctor who went up and admitted her as she was weak, malnourished and was drinking 2.5 litres of cider a day!
She decided she would go into hospital as she knew it was probably her last chance and she wanted help
I will get her key to get one cut to check on her (5mins drive from my house)my sister did say however she would 'kick' her door in if she didn't let us in as she is not getting in th same physical state again.
I know alcoholism is a disease but it is something i will never understand.
People from AA have been up to see her but as you say she is the only one who can stop.
I haven't contacted AA for me as i find it difficult to talk about (even to my sister and partner)
Love
lucky
Lucky
I understand that it not at all easy, and you should listen to the AA - she is the only one who can stop, so don't feel guilty.
I think you can e-mail the AA now, or alternatively the Samaritans (I know you're not suicidal, but they provide trained counsellors who can help you come to terms with it).
I could never get my head round it too. Al was a skilled craftsman, who actually enjoyed his job, and could have earnt a decent wage if he'd gone to work often enough! He had a nice cosy little house in a nice location, friends and family who cared for him, a gorgeous daughter, the world was his oyster really.
And he through it all away because he liked his beer too much!!!!!!
Why??? I know life can be sh** sometimes, and when I was feeling really bad, it was certainly tempting sometimes to "give up", I think something inside just makes some alcoholics just "switch off".
He has been in and out of rehab ever since.
Thats really terrible about your mum living like that, but always remember that she has a choice, and try not to feel any sort of guilt or blame.
I hope this is helping somehow Lucky, because I am finding it quite hard to know what to say. I just keep remembering all that Al through at me, and how despondent and helpless it made me feel.
Did she get any help in hospital, other than nursing, i.e. counselling? If she knew the hospital was her last chance, didn't they follow up her discharge with some help at home? Maybe you could do something positive, and help her that way?
Love
Charlie
Hiya Charlie,
I'm sorry u are finding it difficult to tal about this. Please don't feel you have to reply, i won't be offended or hurt i just had to get all this off my chest to peoplwe who i consider to be my friends but don't know me (if that makes any sense at all!!!)
Your listening and advise has been great Charlie
my mum know has someone to make her meals and help with housework etc
Love
lucky
My mum found it hard to believe that I had been suffering from panic (always been the really cock sure and happy go lucky type), so I dont talk to her about it I think it upsets her. I just rely on friends for support I find it best that way. She was sweet but it was a case you'll get over it kind of thing. Apparently she had suffered when she was about my age - doesnt anymore so here's hopping that I will just get over it
x
Shell
The thing about mothers is that they can't help but worry Shelley, I hope u do get 'over it' soon like your mum did and you know that we are all here to 'talk' whenever you need to
love
Lucky
Lucky
I didn't mean I found it hard like that - just hard to find something to say to make you feel better!!!!!
I also wondered if the hospital could do follow up visits. It's great that they have spent three weeks sorting her out in hospital, but it seems a waste as well, because without the right support, surely all she is going to do on her release is drink again (which she has done), and get caught up in the spiral, until she is in the same position again.
I think one of the best things about this forum is that you can say as much or as little as you want, and nobody knows who you are or will judge you, but there is a feeling of being amongst caring friends! Its odd, but it seems to help!
Maybe Meg can advise on what "after care" treatment is available. I am presuming that she is having nothing at the minute!
Love
Charlie
Charlie,
You listening to me has made me feel better as I have got alot off my chest.
I don't think there is any aftercare from the hospital.
1 week though Charlie she never gave anyone a chance.
She wants to die she has told me as much. her life is over she has no qulaity of life and she has damaged the nerves in her legs and will never walk properly again. She has been left with severe incontinence through her abuse. I can't argue with that Charlie.
She really genuinely wants to die. She says she won't do anything 'stupid' though as she has tried it b4.
She is taking anti-depressants and stuff as well
Love
Lucky
Lucky
For once I'm lost for words
Thats tragic, and I really feel for you. We are all here if you need to "get it off your chest".
Al tried to commit suicide too, but I rescued him (on my own in the middle of the night carrying a 13st bloke over dry stone walls in the middle of the tors, whilst wearing heels - boy has my life been fun filled) - but the stupid bas***d couldn't even get that right. The doctor had very cleverly prescribed anti-depressants of the sort that don't kill you if you take too many. That was hard for me, so I can't imagine what it must have been like for you.
It's a very sorry story, but also a frustrating one, because you know it didn't have to be like that. It's a shame she couldn't get more professional support, particularly after hospital, if she really did want one more last chance for herself.
Love
Charlie
Thanks for listening to me all afternoon Charlie
I appreciate your replies very much.
It's amazing I have been living with my mothers problem since I was 6 months old and i think i have got used to it then something happens i get my hopes up and BANG it's blown again.
As i said thanks very much Charlie
Love
Lucky
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