View Full Version : Why do friends always up and leave you?
For as long as I can remember, I have always become great friends with someone, sometimes even best friends and they always end up leaving me. I has got to the point now where I am starting to believe I must be a bad friend and slowly I am being left with no-one. I try to not let my anxiety affect friendships but they always find it so difficult to understand that I'm not always happy and wanting to go out :weep:
Recently my best friend of about 5 years suddenly turned on me for no-reason and over-reacted to something very minor. Then she stopped talking to me and so I constantly made the effort to get back in contact. Then she removed me from her facebook for no reason and when I texted her about it she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. It broke my heart because she was my best friend and I did everything for her, texted her all the time to see how she was and I told her everything :weep:
This has happened in the past too for no reason or because they have found someone better than me: my best friend before that did that too and at least 3/4 other friends. Why do friends keep leaving me? I am a good person, probably too nice sometimes and get walked over. Just because I have anxiety/depression doesn't mean I should have to be made to feel like this?
Has anyone ever had this before? I have a few friends at uni and they're great but the less I socialise the less they talk to me...it just makes me feel so lonely :weep:
xx
Don't know... Do you think maybe the reason you do so much for your friends is that you want them to "owe" you their friendship? Sometimes it's possible to be a bit too eager to please.
I don't want to make you feel too paranoid over overly analytical... but would you say you were "high maintenance" in the way that perhaps you rely too much on being around your friends a lot?
Is it possible for you to write to your latest friend, and say that you will respect her wishes to not continue the friendship, but could she please just explain why?
Pink Panic
01-11-08, 14:49
Hi
I think all friendships have to be worked at and my difficulty is that all too often i am so consumed with this illness and how it affects me that i really don't have that much time what with home, family etc., to put into maintaining a friendship like i really should so then my friends move on which results in me being left out.
There's no way you should have to feel like this just cause you have anx/depression and friends should accept you for whatever.
Could it be the case that your friends don't want to put pressure on you so they back off which then results in loss of contact?
Love
PP
xxx
Cherbear, there is no way you deserve to be treated like this hun :hugs: It has happened to me in the past too. For me personally, I think it wasn't just the anxiety and depression issues, but the fact that I always worried people would leave me and sometimes was a bit too 'attached', tried too hard to be a good friend and they didn't know how to handle it and left anyway.
The only advice I can give is be yourself because you are a lovely person. You've made some good friends on here and we aren't going anywhere. I think you'll find people who also have anxiety and depression issues are more understanding too.
You are a great person Cherbear, so kind and understanding. True friends don't walk away when someone if having a hard time. If they did then I'd definately have no friends left!
Karen xx
Hi Cherbear
I agree with what Karen has said, real friends don't walk away when times are tough. I've had this happen to me alot in the past and I constantly worry about the friends I do have now. One in particular, who I work with. The minute she seems a bit odd, I immediatley think I've done something wrong. I am convinced one day she is going to turn round and tell me to get lost, and I'm dreading it, I hate rejection. Sometimes I wonder why I try to make friends with people.
I think my insecurity makes me seem a little too eager to please, as I am constantly looking for signs that I am accepted. I am trying to ease off on this but when I'm feeling anx it seems to take over and I fear that I overwhelm people a bit.
Maybe you could try to be less nice to people, by that I mean less accomodating. That's what I'm trying to do, but it's hard to change your nature. Another thing I've noticed is that I always seem to want to be friends with those that are a bit stand off ish at times. It's almost a challenge, lol. I don't know why I do it, but trying to be friends with the least sociable and most private person at work, seems to be a pass time of mine.
Mind you I have been making progress with that particular friendship of late, but then the minute I do cement a friendship, I start getting all scared and insecure, and thinking I'm going to lose it. God this anxiety is hard to work out isn't it. All us insecure people should just be frinds together then there'd be no worries lol.
Hiya hun ..
You say that you had a falling out over something minor ....but who was it minor to..if It was you then perhaps it wasnt so minor to your friend ....we all see things very very diffrently even amongst friends .
Friendship is hard work but like any relationship it requires respect 4 each other and an understanding that you wont always agree on things .....I have many friends but we are all different and we always dont agree even my closest friends drive me mad sometimes . You will have many friends throughout yr life I have sum from when I was 10 but I have also had many many friends that have come and gone for whatever reason .
So try not 2 worry about not having that 1 friend or having a best friend just meet people enjoy their company and take it from there .
Hugs from an NMP friend
Titchjd xxxxxxxxxx
Hi. You don't deserve this at all, but sadly some people are just like that. My best friend from the age of 14 (33 now), just cut me off, no contact. That hurt me more than anyone could imagine.
gtrgrl3369
01-11-08, 16:44
Some people get tired of dealing with our anxiety and panic issues and cant be around it anymore. Thats not a fault of theirs. They dont understand and thats ok. I agree that a true friend wouldnt have left you like that but there might be something more there than meets the eye. Without us realizing it, our issues can be a real downer sometimes for people who dont have what we do. Try and be understanding to their point of view and move on. Dont be afraid to make new friends when the old ones fail. We can all learn something from someone. Ask for honest opions on what people feel you might be doing that upsets them and be prepared for the response. I learned alot about myself that way and work hard on not doing those specific things to people. Take care honey, it will work out.
Thanks for all the lovely replies :hugs: I hope I am a nice person hehe!
I don't think I am high maintenance, people have always told me what a loyal, understanding friend I am but it's true, I probably do too much and because it has happened so many times before, I just expect something to go wrong. I think people I have become close to, I have probably put my all into the friendship...probably "too much" if that makes sense so I can totally understand how it can be seen as a bit suffocating to them but I am trying to work on that a lot. With my uni friends, I don't tend to ever talk to them about personal things. It's just a social thing really so I guess that is why it works because it never gets deep.
The thing with my best friend is very strange actually, which makes me think it must be something more than what it was. It all started with her texting me at 3am and I was just surprised because she was the type to always go to bed at 10pm so I always left my phone on at night (I need it for the alarm). Anyway I text her back the next day saying "How come you texted me at 3am hun? It woke me up hehe!" in a totally lighthearted tone. I can understand why it may have upset her as we are both sensitive but she flipped out saying I'd hurt her by saying that, then she stopped talking...and it escalated from there. She suffered from depression also so we were eachothers support I guess. I have tried many a time to ask her if it was something else but she never replies.
Just to be cut off like that feels awful doesn't it :weep:
I have spoken to some lovely people on here so that makes me feel much better but I suppose I just crave the best friend that I have never had because I can offer a lot :yesyes:
Thanks again for the replies xx
I've come to realise over time that I want more from friendships than most people do, and I just have to live with that.
I suppose I cope the opposite way to you, Cherbear: if I feel someone is cooler towards me than I am towards them, I avoid them for fear of rejection.
I remember numerous times when I was a student, chatting to someone and feeling we were having a good conversation, only for them to say, "Shall we go now?" just when I thought we were getting on well.
Conversely I've experienced other people really feeling they were hitting it off with me, when I was actually quite bored with their company.
That's life.
hiya hun, i would say true friends like u and are there for u wotever, i have 2 wot i would say close friends i can trust, 1 i see regular the other not so much but i have lost lots of friends because i think i am to nice and some people use you because of that.
also sometimes i have cause rows with friendsa because i tend to speak my mind and if something is bothering me i will say it and some people cant deal with that and take it very personally.
i would just say be yourself, i do and if people dont like that its tough they not good enough to b your friend.
ive also had lots of friends and they have moved on or i have and we lost contact, but i guess that just life and at different phases in our life we meet different people, some we keep as mates some just for a bit, but all are important at the time for wot ever reason.
stay strong and b yourself matey xxxxxxxxx
Thanks hun, what you say does make total sense :hugs: I hope one day I can find that person. It's cheesy but my boyfriend is like my best friend but I'm afraid of relying on him too much.
xx
Hi Cherbear
I don't think it's cheesy that your boyfriend is your best friend!
Like Donna, I have many friends but I don't see many of them all that often but only because I met most of them here and they live all over the country. I have a best friend locally who I went to school with and we are still really close. I see her once a week at least.
Other than that I have a number of friends I met here and on another online site that I consider close friends, some I have been to visit and we write regularly. Real friends keep in touch no matter what.
I think you are lovely and kind :hugs:
Karen xx
hun my boyfriend is my very best friend, i dont know how i would ever live without him, he is my soulmate, hows that for cheesy hehe.
dont u worry u r lovely hun xxx
Donna I am the same hehe,that's exactly how I feel! We've only been together 2 1/2 years but I know it's forever.
Karen, thank you hun. I am glad you have someone from school you are really close to. Unfortunately I never had many friends at school as I felt very isolated. As it was a private school and I was one of the only ones with a scholorship and from a council estate, I suffered a lot of snobbery from students and a lot of teachers too.
You are right, true friends will always stay in touch.
Am so glad I found this site xx
awww cher, i been with my partner for 16 yrs at xmas i was 18 when we got together, we had our ups and downs but we really understand each other and he trully loves me for me, so be proud of wot u 2 got matey cos good guys are hard to find. hugs xxx
Hi Cherbear
I can totally relate to you - I moved to glasgow about 7 yrs ago im originally from manchester and the friends here are very loyal which im lucky i suppose as throughout my life ive had to fight to get friends - even was bullied at school for being unpopular - now i give so much and maybe too much cos i feel thats the only way for people to like me - i also make friends and then they leave - i met a couple of girls in ante natal 4 yrs ago and we met all the time but since ive not been wanting to go out - they just cut me from their lives. you sound like a lovely person bythe way xx
i trully believe cher true friends will always make time for u and take u exactly how u r, if they dont kick erm to the kerb hun, they aint real friends.xx
Aww Donna that's amazing, I hope my boyfriend and I end up like you two :hugs: and you are right hun, we can only be ourselves can't we...all the good and the bad.
Bab, I can totally relate to you as I always give so much. If I don't hear from my friends I always think it's because I haven't done enough so I'll give even more. I guess that's not the right thing to do. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to go out either, often I invite my friend around my house as I'm not a big socialiser/clubber. Maybe you could invite someone around? It's amazing how a great film and some drinkies (and naughty food!) can get some conversation going :hugs: xx
i had 5 months counselling and just finished it was cbt and it has helped me so much to b more confident and not worry wot people think of me, mayb something like that may help u?
i used to worry about everything i said to people incase i said something wrong etc and how i look and was i friendly enough etc, but not now, people can like me or not.
i have learnt to b more confident and b alittle more selfish cos its ok sometimes to think of ourselves more
I need to be more selfish! I'm constantly wanting to please the ones I love and check they're ok. That sounds like a good idea thanks hun, I have just started seeing a new counsellor and hopefully we will do some CBT. I did a life skills course when I was 17 and I had a huge boost of confidence for about 3/4 years. I was even called loud!! I am much more inwards now xx
i no exactly what you are talking about....i always seem to get ditched by my friends.when i was 7 i was in this group of 4 people these three other people were my best friends in the whole world we had been friends since we were about 2 years old and that year we got to all sit together in all our classes and it was so cool.we would laugh and joke all day and i actually dont think we got any work done at all that year lol but then at the end of the next year i had just turned 8,one of my best friends (kieran) moved really far away and thats when everything started to fall apart,year 5 came along and i turned 9,one of my best friends (alex) suddenly became this popular girl with all these other friends and we sort of drifted apart,i only had kim left and then daisy came to school and she tore is apart,over the years i was friends with kim and then daisy but allways it would end up with me pushed away and them walking off arm in arm.i made friends with two other girls but they werent the same they ditched me every other week when they got bored of my conversations and nervous jokes,i'd spend lunch time wandering around in a daze,i got into reading through all this like alot,i would bring the characters to life in my head for company somtimes,i allways new it was a silly game but it helped keep me cheerful till the girls would pick me up again for somone to chat to till the bordem set back in.year six was the worst i think,i never knew where i was with any of these girls,one day they were speaking to me the next they were yelling abuse and kicking me out of there silly kid clubs.i started high school with one of the two girls that i didnt get along with very well as my friend but soon when anxitey set in i started to get bulllied and she made more friends and eventually i pushed her away from fear of her ditching me like all the rest.i hated the feeling of being alone and i still do im now homeschoold with not a proper friends to name.kieran did get in touch with me a few years back and we talked for ages but he began to get bored wth this cyber friendship and stopped talking,i kept trying to keep in touch,clinging to him like he was the last person i was ever to speak to again.the main problem i suppose is that i never got a chance to miss him,it never set in he had really left as he never actually said a proper goodbye to me.i find it hard to make friends now as i never think anyone will stick with me though all this,i no this is probebly just silly kidish stuff to you but well im 14 so these are the only friendships i have ever had.
charli x
aww charli, u know wot hun for 14 u are one of the most mature people i know and u r so very wise for 14 matey. ive read alot of your stuff and u r gonna b just fine. hugs xxxxxxxxxxx
Gawd, enough with the hunnies and hugggssss already!
Here's to friendship...its the biggest ship ever built...:) xxx
Charli, it's not childish or silly I know exactly how you feel. My friends always seem to find other people and leave me behind or just stop talking to me. I only really have one close friend right now but I know I'll make some in the future. Keep smiling :hugs: xx
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