At last I've done it!

[Natural Mystic]

I've finally rang a number, admitted my "problems" and "weaknesses" and asked for help!!

I'm a 40 year (young hehe) single working mum, I have one boy who is 7.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse (by my father) and due to this turned down some very very risky roads in my life. Never really being able to have an equal relationship and never really being able to hold down long term friendships. I think it's the wall I built.

I thought I was a strong person who'd kind of healed myself. I'm a good person, I care very much about others and I hold down a full time job.

However as time as gone on I have had to admit that maybe I am not as healed as I thought I was ... then I started to suffer severe anxiety (GAD) earlier this year. I don't need to tell you guys how hard that is, how awful and just how debilitating it is.

I have had a terrible few days (after quite a few good weeks) with the anxiety, so bad that it's taken me to a very dark place. Only this morning I though "I just have to get out of here, I can't take this feeling anymore" (I have never tried to end it and wouldn't, I wouldn't do that to my son ... though trust me sometimes I think he'd be better off without me. That he would be better off with a mummy and a daddy and some siblings).

A few weeks ago I was given a number for counselling by my boss (our company has a contract with them) but I didn't use it, still thinking I can cope with it (and because I've had a few good weeks). Today I rang it and today I start my healing .. healing from this dreadful anxiety and healing from my childhood hell.

I don't have anyone I can talk to but as soon as I spoke to him I cried, explained everything and although I'm still feeling anxious I feel that I've let something out. That that heavy feeling in my chest has eased a litt, just because I talked .. and cried. I think I need a good cry.

Henyway, it felt better writing all this down .. thanks :)

[Natural Mystic]

Thank you so much for that but I feel soooooooooooo guilty about everything. My son is an only child and I am all alone. Now whilst suffering this I feel no energy, half the time I can't even focus on doing anything. I feel such an inadequate mum, he deserves better.

I just fear that he is lonely (his dad is useless, he doesn't see him either) and will say later on that he didn't enjoy his childhood.

I guess that's normal mum guilt? Oh I dunno

[bluesparkle]

hello
yes i think it is "normal" mum guilt. . . i am a single mum to four children two have now left home and my youngest is 13, but i go through terrible stages of guilt, but like tetley has said you sound like you are doing just fine to me . . . and yes holding down a job and being a single mum is something to be proud of too, i too work and it can be hard sometimes.
i think you did a very brave thing to make that phone call its not easy telling a complete stranger is it.
well done you :hugs:
and you know you can come on here to chat and people do understand you are not alone.
rach
x

[Natural Mystic]

Thanks for your kind words

Well I've just come back from the doctors, my heart and blood pressure seem fine.

Just been given some anti depressants too and this time I'm going to go through the side effects and give them a real go.

Counselling next :)