Natural Mystic
02-11-08, 17:01
I've finally rang a number, admitted my "problems" and "weaknesses" and asked for help!!
I'm a 40 year (young hehe) single working mum, I have one boy who is 7.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse (by my father) and due to this turned down some very very risky roads in my life. Never really being able to have an equal relationship and never really being able to hold down long term friendships. I think it's the wall I built.
I thought I was a strong person who'd kind of healed myself. I'm a good person, I care very much about others and I hold down a full time job.
However as time as gone on I have had to admit that maybe I am not as healed as I thought I was ... then I started to suffer severe anxiety (GAD) earlier this year. I don't need to tell you guys how hard that is, how awful and just how debilitating it is.
I have had a terrible few days (after quite a few good weeks) with the anxiety, so bad that it's taken me to a very dark place. Only this morning I though "I just have to get out of here, I can't take this feeling anymore" (I have never tried to end it and wouldn't, I wouldn't do that to my son ... though trust me sometimes I think he'd be better off without me. That he would be better off with a mummy and a daddy and some siblings).
A few weeks ago I was given a number for counselling by my boss (our company has a contract with them) but I didn't use it, still thinking I can cope with it (and because I've had a few good weeks). Today I rang it and today I start my healing .. healing from this dreadful anxiety and healing from my childhood hell.
I don't have anyone I can talk to but as soon as I spoke to him I cried, explained everything and although I'm still feeling anxious I feel that I've let something out. That that heavy feeling in my chest has eased a litt, just because I talked .. and cried. I think I need a good cry.
Henyway, it felt better writing all this down .. thanks :)
I'm a 40 year (young hehe) single working mum, I have one boy who is 7.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse (by my father) and due to this turned down some very very risky roads in my life. Never really being able to have an equal relationship and never really being able to hold down long term friendships. I think it's the wall I built.
I thought I was a strong person who'd kind of healed myself. I'm a good person, I care very much about others and I hold down a full time job.
However as time as gone on I have had to admit that maybe I am not as healed as I thought I was ... then I started to suffer severe anxiety (GAD) earlier this year. I don't need to tell you guys how hard that is, how awful and just how debilitating it is.
I have had a terrible few days (after quite a few good weeks) with the anxiety, so bad that it's taken me to a very dark place. Only this morning I though "I just have to get out of here, I can't take this feeling anymore" (I have never tried to end it and wouldn't, I wouldn't do that to my son ... though trust me sometimes I think he'd be better off without me. That he would be better off with a mummy and a daddy and some siblings).
A few weeks ago I was given a number for counselling by my boss (our company has a contract with them) but I didn't use it, still thinking I can cope with it (and because I've had a few good weeks). Today I rang it and today I start my healing .. healing from this dreadful anxiety and healing from my childhood hell.
I don't have anyone I can talk to but as soon as I spoke to him I cried, explained everything and although I'm still feeling anxious I feel that I've let something out. That that heavy feeling in my chest has eased a litt, just because I talked .. and cried. I think I need a good cry.
Henyway, it felt better writing all this down .. thanks :)