dottedllama
03-11-08, 01:28
My wife has finally convinced me to go see my GP regarding what we call my "quirks". After doing a bit of reading on this site I think I may be suffering from agoraphobia and wanted an informed (i.e. "been there done that") opinion.
It started about 4-5 years ago when I finished my second tour of duty in the middle east. I wasn't on the "front lines" but we did come under sporadic enemy morter / rpg fire. I was constantly aware of where I was in relation to the exits of any area, and always running through in my head what to do should something kick off. It hit me really hard when I heard of a camp nearby getting shelled in the night, and a group of soldiers my age were killed in their sleep. I realised that it didn't matter how much I visualised my escape routes, I could still get blown up in my sleep without a chance to fight back. From then on I had major problems sleeping - falling asleep and staying asleep. The smallest noise would wake me up and I had to resort to sleeping with ear plugs in, and now I can't sleep without them.
Once I returned to civilian life I started to notice more quirks. I would get really nervous in large crowds, especially if there wasn't a clear route of escape. I would got so worked up while christmas shopping that I literally turned and bolted out of the shopping centre, leaving my wife to catch up to me once I'd made it outside. From then on I avoided crowded places and do most of my shopping online.
Then we noticed that I started to freak out if I had to go somewhere I wasn't familiar with which began to limit my mobility. If my wife drove I was fine, but I refused to drive anywhere I didn't know well. And god help me if I was stuck in a traffic jam - all the cars blocking my exit would nearly kill me. I had to be on the lane next to the shoulder so I could at least tell myself that I could drive off into a field should it get that bad. (luckily it never has).
Eventually my wife bought me a sat nav unit which is invaluable, and I can now drive to MK and other nearby places that I couldn't before.
The reason I'm finally going to see a GP is because it's starting to affect my work. I work in a very secure environment with very confindential systems. This means that in order to get into my office I have to go through several heavy doors and eventually through an "air lock" system - I have to be admitted through a door into a tiny room, and the second door will only open once the first door closes. Once the second door opens I am in my office, and save for the fire escape system I am completely blocked from the exits. And if someone tries to enter the air lock with me I nearly lose it - sweaty palms, panic feeling in my chest, heart pounding, the almost inescapable urge to just leg it - it's not pretty. But I love my job and I have to get this sorted before my colleagues start to notice. Also my wife says that I get very irratable whenever my quirks limit me, which is a bit of a strain for her as well.
So what do you think, am I crazy or what? :-)
It started about 4-5 years ago when I finished my second tour of duty in the middle east. I wasn't on the "front lines" but we did come under sporadic enemy morter / rpg fire. I was constantly aware of where I was in relation to the exits of any area, and always running through in my head what to do should something kick off. It hit me really hard when I heard of a camp nearby getting shelled in the night, and a group of soldiers my age were killed in their sleep. I realised that it didn't matter how much I visualised my escape routes, I could still get blown up in my sleep without a chance to fight back. From then on I had major problems sleeping - falling asleep and staying asleep. The smallest noise would wake me up and I had to resort to sleeping with ear plugs in, and now I can't sleep without them.
Once I returned to civilian life I started to notice more quirks. I would get really nervous in large crowds, especially if there wasn't a clear route of escape. I would got so worked up while christmas shopping that I literally turned and bolted out of the shopping centre, leaving my wife to catch up to me once I'd made it outside. From then on I avoided crowded places and do most of my shopping online.
Then we noticed that I started to freak out if I had to go somewhere I wasn't familiar with which began to limit my mobility. If my wife drove I was fine, but I refused to drive anywhere I didn't know well. And god help me if I was stuck in a traffic jam - all the cars blocking my exit would nearly kill me. I had to be on the lane next to the shoulder so I could at least tell myself that I could drive off into a field should it get that bad. (luckily it never has).
Eventually my wife bought me a sat nav unit which is invaluable, and I can now drive to MK and other nearby places that I couldn't before.
The reason I'm finally going to see a GP is because it's starting to affect my work. I work in a very secure environment with very confindential systems. This means that in order to get into my office I have to go through several heavy doors and eventually through an "air lock" system - I have to be admitted through a door into a tiny room, and the second door will only open once the first door closes. Once the second door opens I am in my office, and save for the fire escape system I am completely blocked from the exits. And if someone tries to enter the air lock with me I nearly lose it - sweaty palms, panic feeling in my chest, heart pounding, the almost inescapable urge to just leg it - it's not pretty. But I love my job and I have to get this sorted before my colleagues start to notice. Also my wife says that I get very irratable whenever my quirks limit me, which is a bit of a strain for her as well.
So what do you think, am I crazy or what? :-)