Have phobia about death but contemplating suicide, can't cope ...

[BNCfan]

Had a terrible weekend, anxiety was on another planet because I'm convinced I'm dying and nobody gives a s**t. I went to my local A & E at 5 on Sunday morning because my gastritis/acid reflux were so bad and I was certain they were the symptoms of the cancer that killed my mother and I was terrified. I waited for over 4 hours - I have a phobia about public places, so even the waiting was hell - and when the doc called me he sent me away without even checking me out even though I had pain like tight band around my chest and back. This has happened twice in the last three weeks, first I was sent away when I asked to see one of the psychiatric emergncy team and then by this medical doc on Sunday. My GP, psychiatrist and care worker have all told me to go to A & E if a have a crisis out of hours and this is the way I get treated. Believe me I don't 'haunt' A & E, haven't been since they misdiagnosed a torn retina as a migraine over eighteen months ago. I'm beginning to think there is something really bad on my medical notes or something. I've never been abusive or done anything wrong in my life, why are they treating me like this? When I left the hospital on Sunday morning I was suicidal - although I've had a phobia about dying since I was 9 - even dying couldn't be worse than the way I'm feeling at the moment. I went to the Samaritans, but they couldn't help me either. The terror never goes away and I'm so alone - no family and friends far away. The anxiety never eases up, IF I fall asleep I'm woken up after a couple of hours by another surge of panic.

[Natural Mystic]

My heart goes out to you babe, I so know how you are feeling. And feeling all alone just adds to everything, it's devastating.

I personally have suffered from severe anxiety since I was diagnosed with skin cancer (they got it but I'm being monitored) in December 07 and this has proven to be the worse year for me. I've had lows before but this year is like living in hell... and I have a 7 year old to care for too (it's just me and him).

I hope you find your light :o)

[LeeBee]

I give a s**t, Helen :).

A&E is great if you've just broken your leg or you're having a panic attack that is making you thrash around on the floor. In my experience they are less useful if you can still walk and talk - you just get deprioritised off their radar.

Is there any chance that you could join a local group as your friends are not nearby? I don't want to sound like I'm trivialising your distress, it's just that the only way to find people to connect with (people that you can actually talk to face-to-face, rather than us lot on here) is to actually go out and meet them. A writing group, for example? I know you've started your autobiography. I can't remember if you have agoraphobia? I know this suggestion doesn't help you right now... just a thought.

[LeeBee]

You live in London, right?

http://www.writers-circles.com/london.html

xx

[Cathy V]

Hi there. I think if you are under the care of a psychiatrist plus you have a care worker, then theres bound to be some reference to your mental health in your notes. if you have this phobia then yes they will know about it, and if youve been checked over for cancer and have had persistently negative results, then they will send you home.

Im sorry you have no family and friends nearby...did you move house? but you're not completely alone on nmp, as quite alot of people on here with the same symptoms and the same fear of cancer can talk to you about it and reassure you. When someone close dies of a certain illness, its quite common for fear of the illness to transfer itself onto a vunerable, snsitive person.

There is heart disease in my family and i lost my grandmother and uncle, both young when they died, and my brother had a heart attack 5 years ago at 46 which he survived. Ive had a fear of it for a long time, but i have to say to myself that until now all the tests have shown i dont have it. I cant be sure of the future, but i wont waste my future worrying about it happening, because if i look after myself and try not to get stressed over everything the chances are that i wont develop it. Why worry about something that might never happen? Im sure your mum wouldnt want this for you either.

Take care
Cathy xxx

[BNCfan]

Thanks LeeBee. Yes I am agoraphobic, I'm phobic about life in general at the moment. Everytime I do manage to fall asleep I wake up two hours later feeling as though I'm strapped to a panic rocket, the adrenaline thrust is so strong, and the anxiety is through the roof before I know where I am. I daren't go to bed, I daren't eat because I'm terrified what's going to happen re: my gastric symptoms. This isn't life, hell and dying couldn't be any worse. I feel old and surplus to requirements, sometimes I think the medical people are hoping I will do myself in, even pushing me in that direction - one less for them to have to cope with. I wrote this poem on the subject a while back after another particularly bad experience: (I apologise for the language!)



ODE TO THE MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES





If they won’t bloody jump,


Then give them a push,


Just stand aside


Watch the lemmings rush.


Get them to trust you,


Like lambs to the slaughter,


And when they do


Hold them down in the water.


They’re not like you,


They’re not like me,


If we play our cards right


We can soon be free


Of their endless demands


On the public purse,


They’re a pain in the arse,


A bloody curse.


These are the dregs


Of the human race,


All they are


Is a waste of space.


So reel them in,


Then let them down,


And just stand back


Watch them drown.


They’re superfluous


To society,


But we’ll call it care


In the community.





_______________________________

[BNCfan]

Hi Cathy V, I haven't had "persistently negative results", just one Barium Swallow which showed what I knew already. My family are all dead, have been for over thirty years - all from heart disease or cancer and I don't have friends locally because I live on a 'sink' housing estate in south London where everyone is on illegal drugs or drink. I've battled with HA since my dad died from a coronary when I was 9. Believe me my mother wouldn't give a s**t about how I'm feeling, she didn't while she was alive. She never wanted me, had hell bringing me into the world, never stopped telling me how having me had ruined her health/life. I was a disappointment from the word go, because I wasn't a boy and after my dad's death my distress and phobias made her even more ashamed of me. There must be something awful about me if even my mother couldn't love me - nobody ever has, except possibly my dad, but that's so long ago (55 years), I can't remember.

[LeeBee]

That's brilliant :yesyes: (the poem). You are a good writer. Definitely not surplus to requirements.

[Cathy V]

Sorry to hear it all Bfn. Life must have been very hard growing up. The powers that be are obviously well aware of your mental health struggles, and seem to be letting you down. Hope you eventually find some comfort through friendship on nmp.

Cathy xxx

[bumbles]

Brillianyt Poem Write Some More And Get Them Published.

[ronski]

Hi

I am sorry to hear about your latest experience on attending your local A&E department. What the doctors do not appreciate is how memory of our past has a huge impact on our thinking and behavioural patterns. With your health anxieties you need sitting down with a caring and compassionate doctor and for them to go through and explain your test results.

As far as your acid reflux is concerned yes it can give you a tight band around your chest and the associated anxiety. Have they prescribed a proton pump inhibitor to stop the effects of the acid reflux. I am on Lansoprazole and it helps enormously with my acid reflux symptoms. It enables me to live again as before I had months and months of chest pain and oesopageal ulceration. Have a chat with your Gp and discuss options, of course anxiety itself increases stomach acidity so it then becomes a viscious circle.

I hope that you can get to grip with your health anxieties and put them into perspective. I know from experience it is easier said than done but with time and help you will succeed. Have you tried CBT for your thought patterns, it is a well proven treatment to help with those negative issues that may be driving your panic attacks.

All the best
Ron

[BNCfan]

Hi Ron and Tetley, thanks for the support. My doctor prescribed Lansoprazole on Friday, but when I read the side effects leaflet I was too frightened to take them as I have had such bad reactions to drugs in the past - new medication is another of my phobias. However was so terrified on Sunday after my experience at the hospital I didn't actually care if they killed me, so took one - that's three days in a row now and have to admit symptoms are much improved - so far, so good. If I don't get the physical symptoms which convince me I've got cancer I don't get the panic, so maybe my general anxiety level will gradually come down. I haven't been sleeping and without sleep I fall apart. Thanks again.

[Southern_Belle]

So glad you are feeling better and yes we all need sleep! If you ever feel like you did before please call the Samaritans for help and as always post here. Also, keep in constant contact with your doctor regarding the meds, it will take awhile for them to kick in completely but they will eventually help.

Best wishes,

Laura

[ronski]

Hi

I am glad that you have found that Lansoprazole has helped you, just to let you know that the drug takes about 4 or 5 days to have the maximum effect. Also take them at the same time each day and wait a good half an hour before eating. I was very like you in that I to have a medicine phobia and it took me a few weeks before I had the courage to take them.

Also take a good quality vitamin tablet as they stop most of your stomach acid and so may eventually restrict absorbsion of the B vitamin group. Vitamin tablets are absorbed by your small intestines so bypasses that problem.

Good luck for the future
Ron