My friends a tart!!!!

[andie73]

Hi Guys

I found out this week that my friend of 12 years is behaving extremely premiscuously. She is in a long term relationship and they have been together 10 years, they live together. He's a really nice, stable man.

She is meeting people on a dating website and after a few hours of chatting on line is meeting them where ever and having sex with them, unprotected and she's not on the pill. I am HORRIFEID!!!! I have talked to her for hours and told her she is risking her life with HIV etc etc. Worst thing is she is then coming home and sleeping with her boyfriend, so she is risking his health too.

I'm sure she thinks I am a drama queen, but I can't help it. She is very envious of me because I am married and her jealousy prevented her from coming to my wedding two years ago. She said that if her boyfriend proposed she would stop messing around, but I've told her that if she thinks a wedding is going to fix it, she is sadly mistaken.

She has tried to encourage me to look on line, and when I refused and said I wouldn't even think about it, she said I was weird. I think she thinks I'm sitting in my ivory tower polishing my halo, but I'm not. I am just soooo angry with her. I have tried to ask her why she is doing this, and she said it's cos she's bored!!!! I told her to get a hobby or go for a walk!!!

I am finding it very hard to remain friends with her as what she is doing goes against everything I believe in. I don't want to sound like a prude cos I'm not, but I think what she is doing is disgusting. She is fully aware of the risks she is taking, as are these net blokes, but her partner isn't and as far as I'm concerned she is playing russian roulette with his health.

Me and my hubby were meant to go to their house last night for a get together but I had to cancel. My hubby said he would find it sooo hard not to say something to her when her partner went to the loo, and I would just not know what to talk about knowing what she was doing behind his back.

It's very hard for me as she is my longest friend and I don't have many. But I just can't relate to her any more, we have NOTHING in common. Every time I look at her I am repulsed. Advice please, I'm struggling with this one!!!!!

[LeeBee]

Your friend is engaging in risky, potentially damaging behaviour (unprotected sex with strangers is extremely risky for everyone involved). But it is her life. I can understand that it is hard to stand by and watch her hurt herself and her partner, but all you can do is offer support to help her through this self-destructive behaviour, and to step back a bit if you think that she wants you to either join in or back off. She knows your opinion. As long as you think she is mentally/emotionally OK, I would let the relationship cool a bit, and just let her know that you're there if she needs someone.

[janeybaby25]

You friend is playing a very risky game with her reletionship. Are you as close to her bloke as you are to her? If I was you & you were friends with him, I would tell him whats going on before it's too late. Think about if it was the other way round, would you want to know? I know I would. To be honest, if she didn't even to come to your wedding & you are feeling the way you do about her, sounds to me like you wouldn't miss her friendship too much if you did tell her bloke what was going on. But I could be wrong, just the impression I am getting! Sounds to me like it's something she feels like she needs to do & get it out of her system, which is all very well if the only person she is hurting is herself but it's not, its her boyfriend too. Is your husband close to him? could he maybe have a word? If you don't want to tell him, can you maybe persuade her to go have an STI check up? It's not just HIV, it's other STI's that can lie undected for years. Failing that, buy her some condoms. At least that way you are trying to help her not to be so silly by having unprotected sex.

[pooh]

Hi there

the first thing that sprung to my mind was. Is she REALLY doing this or is she displaying attention seeking behaviour? Can you absolutely confirm that she is doing what she says she is doing or is she just telling you she is doing it?

I'd get to the bottom of that one first before deciding what action to take.

Pooh x

[andie73]

Thanks for your replies.

Janey, I'm not that close to her partner, neither is my husband, last night would have been the first time he'd met him apart from at her mam's funeral.

Pooh, she is def doing this, I've read it for myself on facebook. I'm really horrified. People form her work have posted on facebook saying she's the work's bike. I had NO idea what she was doing until this week.

I have pleaded with her to go and get tested but she says she would never go. I asked her what she would do if she was pregnant and she said she would have it and tell her partner it was his. I said that wasn't fair on anyone, and not fair on the child not to know it's real dad. She said she didn't care, the kid wouldn't know so it wouldn't be hurt.

I'm finding it so hard to listen to it all, as I am the only one she talks to. I try hard to advise and understand why she is doing this, but she just sees it as a laugh. She has slept with 3 people in two days, and I'm really worried. She goes to their houses too, and tells no one where she is going. I've told her I'm not going to her funeral if she ends up dead under someone's floor boards and she just thinks I'm mad.

I don't know what to do.

[andie73]

Hi Tetley

I think you are right. I don't know what else to do and I can't make her listen to me. She knows how I feel about it and I have told her that a good friend speaks the truth rather than just agreeing with what someone is doing. I've told her that we are just sooo different at the moment.

I'm just one of those people that likes to be there if someone is in trouble even if it gets to me. But this is one she will have to stop herself. I don't even know if she would tell me how many she has met now as she knows how I feel about it.

Us anx suffers don't need this cr*p. She hardly ever asks about me, I think she is going through some kind of phase. But it is one I will never undertstand. She has told me that she is now such a hard faced cow no one would make her cry or hurt her. Even if her dog was run over and killed, she said it would have no affect on her. I think she's got some mental health issues following her mam's death, but I think she's trying to hide it from me and herself.

But then I'm soft hearted I always look to explain peoples actions in a human way. I hate to think of her as cheap and easy. She's my friend!!!

[pinkpiglet]

I once made post on here asking people if they thought i could be Bi-polar! I had alot of reassuring replies from people who themselves suffered from this or who had friends and loved ones who did. One of the main symptoms they mentioned was bizarre behaviours where sufferers went and slept about, meeting people on the net and having sex with them. This seemed to be quite a big issue amongst Bi-polar sufferers. Just a thought!

[pinkpiglet]

May i just add:
I am not refferring to every bi-polar sufferer!

[andie73]

Hi

Thanks. I think that she may be putting across this I don't care attitude because of her mam's death in May. I posted about this then. It was a very hard time for her. However she was sleeping with men from her work place before that, but it wasn't quite as intense as it is now.

I don't think she is bi polar but I do think she has put the illness and subsequent death of her mother to one side very quickly. She nursed her at home and has now been left the legal guardian of her 14 year old neice, who was previously her mam's responsibility. She has inherited her mam's house as her dad died three years ago, and that has been a very steep learning curve for her, paying bills etc. She talks openly about her mam and doesn't get upset, but I think her death has to have a lot to do with her self destructive behaviour. She has also started to drink a lot too.

She is being led by a woman she works with who put her onto this dating web site. I think she is trying to look for an escape or something. She says she enjoys the attention from these men but doesn't want to let the security of her live in partner up. She says that if she got a big bill or something he'd help her out, she likes that security.

I have had a lot of experience of bereavement myself and she knows I am there for her but to be truthful I really don't think she thinks she is displaying any strange behaviour. I think she's in denial or something. I think she just wants to go wild and damn the consequences. We are very different and that's why I'm finding it hard to cope with her, but I don't want to desert her if she's really going off the rails. Though I doubt, in fact, I know, I wouldn't get the same back in return.

[marie1974]

hiya, this may b a cry for help from your friend, if her mum recently died, she perhaps is having trouble coping but doesnt know wot to do, people do the most bizarre and dangerous things when they are hurting.

i would tell your friend that you are there for her but if it continues then u will tell her husband cos u feel like are in the middle.

u r obviously a great friend to her and she is very lucky, mayb she feels lonely though, which would make her vulnerable and prey to the wrong kinds of people.

i do think if her behaviour continues then her hubby sould b told before something happens to her.
hugs xxxxxx

[Bill]

What she is doing I think some people will do simply for enjoyment and often they don't worry about the consequences but I feel there is much more going on in your friends mind.

My feeling is I think she's in denial because she can't release her feelings as they hurt too much. However, by keeping these feelings bottled, I think it's causing depression so she doesn't care what happens to her so she feels she has nothing to live for.

She's bored with her life and needs excitement to make her feel alive to take away the tedium but I feel she also has a void that she's trying to fill to give her a sense of security by feeling needed. She also wants to feel loved but maybe her boyfriend isn't fulfilling all her emotional needs.

It doesn't sound as though she feels "emotionally" loved her boyfriend but she needs the security he provides but her depression is actually putting her security at risk by endangering his health.

It's a bit of a moral dilemma because do you put your friendship first or his health or stay clear and not get involved.

I doubt very much that she will listen to anyone until her situation changes and to threaten her will only make her feel even more insecure and unloved so a possible idea would be a compromise by hinting to her boyfriend about her entries on facebook. He could say he found out himself. This would not only make him aware but also trigger change without you getting involved. It may force her to face her feelings. If it goes on as it is, there will only be one probable outcome.

It could well be that she is telling you all these things because she Wants to be stopped but doesn't know how. She's hardly trying to keep it secret by telling the world. I just feel she's very depressed and is using this behaviour as would someone turn to drink or self harm etc.

It could be a be cruel to be kind situation.

However, we all need security and we all have needs that need fulfilling but sometimes the two can't always be found together in just one relationship but what she's doing by using unprotected casual sex with many partners she doesn't even know is dangerous and driven by her depression but her depression is making her not care. :hugs: