msl08
10-11-08, 16:21
Hi.
I am new on here. I hope you all well, i have read some of your posts and actually felt a little better. I have felt so alone in my little world for so long i thought i would see if there were anyone else out there who had the same feelings as me.
I am married with 3 children. I have, since i was about 13 (i am now 31) had a really bad self distructive behaviour. I can never allow myself to be happy, its almost like, when i feel that i am having a good day, i realise, then try to bring myself down. Thats when i start to panic and think of all the bad stuff that has ever happened in my life. I think, "i remember being happy before that thing happened," then my mind goes into overdrive. Always thinking, thinking, then the more i think, the more i panic. I live in the past constantly, I think about all the stuff i have ever done or that has happened in my life and imagine it all coming back to bite me on the bum. It almost feels like someone is saying "i havent finished with you yet". I was abit of a lost soul a few years ago and did things that i am ashamed of, so, maybe it is guilt and just.
My little sister died last year suddenly of an asthama attack, she was only 24. We used to fight so much when we were younger, but in the last 3 years we both just clicked. We used to call her baby (as she was the baby of the family), but she was always the strong one out of the two of us. She was the favorite and never did anything to hurt anyone. I sometimes wish i could take her place, just to spare my mum and dad of the grief they are still going through. It breaks my heart to watch them, but, i feel i have to be strong round them.
I know this post sounds like i am still grieving, but my every day anguish and anxiety has nothing to do with my sister. I dont like to go out of the house, because i feel safer inside, but then i spend the rest of the day hating myself for not going out. I moved house 3 months ago, because i was doing the exact same thing in my old place, i thought it would be a good change, new beginings and all that, but i just cant snap myself out of it. I will have a bottle of wine in the evenings to make myself feel better, then feel bad for polluting my body and not handling stuff properly. I feel overwhelmed all the time, being in a car, thinking, analizing every little thing that i have said to someone, thinking again, wether my husband is going to come home from work, if the kids are going to make it back from school, waiting for phone calls of bad news, thinking more!!! How can one person think so much at the same time, all the time!!?? It feels like everything has to be at a million miles an hour all the time. xx
I am new on here. I hope you all well, i have read some of your posts and actually felt a little better. I have felt so alone in my little world for so long i thought i would see if there were anyone else out there who had the same feelings as me.
I am married with 3 children. I have, since i was about 13 (i am now 31) had a really bad self distructive behaviour. I can never allow myself to be happy, its almost like, when i feel that i am having a good day, i realise, then try to bring myself down. Thats when i start to panic and think of all the bad stuff that has ever happened in my life. I think, "i remember being happy before that thing happened," then my mind goes into overdrive. Always thinking, thinking, then the more i think, the more i panic. I live in the past constantly, I think about all the stuff i have ever done or that has happened in my life and imagine it all coming back to bite me on the bum. It almost feels like someone is saying "i havent finished with you yet". I was abit of a lost soul a few years ago and did things that i am ashamed of, so, maybe it is guilt and just.
My little sister died last year suddenly of an asthama attack, she was only 24. We used to fight so much when we were younger, but in the last 3 years we both just clicked. We used to call her baby (as she was the baby of the family), but she was always the strong one out of the two of us. She was the favorite and never did anything to hurt anyone. I sometimes wish i could take her place, just to spare my mum and dad of the grief they are still going through. It breaks my heart to watch them, but, i feel i have to be strong round them.
I know this post sounds like i am still grieving, but my every day anguish and anxiety has nothing to do with my sister. I dont like to go out of the house, because i feel safer inside, but then i spend the rest of the day hating myself for not going out. I moved house 3 months ago, because i was doing the exact same thing in my old place, i thought it would be a good change, new beginings and all that, but i just cant snap myself out of it. I will have a bottle of wine in the evenings to make myself feel better, then feel bad for polluting my body and not handling stuff properly. I feel overwhelmed all the time, being in a car, thinking, analizing every little thing that i have said to someone, thinking again, wether my husband is going to come home from work, if the kids are going to make it back from school, waiting for phone calls of bad news, thinking more!!! How can one person think so much at the same time, all the time!!?? It feels like everything has to be at a million miles an hour all the time. xx