My friend is agrophobic and needs help

[myfriendisagrophobic]

Hello all,

I have a friend of the family who has not been out of the house for over 7 years. He is only 21, and I really want to help him but don't know what to do.

The problem is that the only people he will see are his parents and his sister (who is my girlfriend). He won't seek help or even admit he has a problem, and his parents are it seems, resigned to maintaining and supporting him well into his adult life.

As you can imagine its a delicate situation; I only go to my in-laws house once every few months, but I've come to realise that if something isn't done then there may never be an improvement, and it is very painful for all concerned.

He lives in a house by himself, a few doors down from his parents. He was expelled from school as a young teen, never went back and obviously lost all of his friends as a result. Therefore, his his only living contact with the outside world is his parents (he does use the internet) and sister. I should add at that as far as I know he is content, as he is supported by his parents and looked after. Does anyone have advice? Thankyou.

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hiya, i would say you mus tbe a very nice person to care so much and he is lucky to hav eyou in his life:yesyes:

however this sounds very copmplex to me and his parents are really the ppl you should be trying to talk to. many many agoraphobics have unhealthy relationships with their parents, and this may be the case, but really its up to them to tackle/challenge this. it wouldnt be easy for you to say ' do you think you are helping your son? what role do you think you play in his condition?'

do you know how they feel about his situation? do they want him to get better but sort of dont know how to so really just get on with their lives?
this wouldnt constitute not caring it would probably jus tbe ignorance of his problem and what he can do about it, which ultimately is up to him anyway.

or do they feed his phobia by doing TOO much for him and letting hiom know he always has somewhere safe to go? either way they wont be doing it on purpose.

one thing is fact though that his parents wont be alive forever. unfortunately for me or maybe fortunately(whichever way i choose to look at it?) my mum died when i was 20, but i had had a very over protective over friendly relationship with my mum (single mother, and i wa s the youngest of 3 girls neither of whom have anxiety/depresion)and i had already had 2 bouts of depresion by the time she died. so now for the last 16 years i have been left devastated by her death and have struggled ever since to cope with life and its stresses and with relationships. so maybe there is a lesson to be learned, but i think ignorance is bliss and he will prob be happy to jus tcarry on in his protected cocoon, like im sure i would have done:shrug:

[weeble40]

Hi and a big welcome to NMP its great to have you here, hope to see you in chat sometime,

Take care

Emma xxx

[myfriendisagrophobic]

"or do they feed his phobia by doing TOO much for him and letting him know he always has somewhere safe to go? either way they wont be doing it on purpose."

Hello again, thanks for your comments and interest. I would say that his parents are overprotective of him and so feed his phobia. His mother is very protective over him and they go out of their way to look after him. I know they've done a lot of research into his condition, and that they will not force him to seek help. I have asked them what they are going to do and they seem to be at a loss - he is not willing to seek professional help. Maybe I could get him to look at this site though, if I gave his family the address perhaps they could pass it on. As you said, it really isn't my responsibility or place to get involved - he is an adult and so able to make his own decisions, and he is not unhappy. However, it is very upsetting for his sister who feels a responsibility for his situation, and as he gets older, this is only going to get worse. Also, I imagine that the longer he is left without help, the harder it will eventually be to help him, and as you mentioned this situation cannot continue indefinitely as situations constantly change.

Could he get help or support online? Maybe he already does, but as fas I know he doens't admit that he has a problem.

Thanks again, Pete x

[emma13]

Hi im new to this site n wondering if there is any1 out there that can help me, i suffer with really bad panic attacks which have lead to me not being able to live my flat i have been stuck in doors for a wk now n i can't do it anymore i just want to beable to go out plz help:-(

[PUGLETMUM]

:) pete, i think youare a lovely guy to want to help your gf and her family, but really unless he wants to get better then there is nothing you can do.

the thing is no parent would really do this on purpose - this situation your gf's brother is in, is very similar to mine. whereby my mum 'allowed' me to reamin dependant - however now as a parent my self i know that things arent so 'black and white' as thye may first appear. his parents prob love him 'too' much if there is such a thing?

anyway, the reason im interested in his story and anyone elses that is like this, is because my mum got cancer when i was 18 and died 2 years later when i was 20, so from being utterly dependent and immature i had to look after her for 2 years almost singlehandedly and then i have spent the last 16 years trying to work my life and my self out with direct relation to my 'problems' and to the loss of my 'carer'.

so i can see where you are coming from - the thing is though he has 2 parents not 1, and wha tare the chances of something happening to both of them so close together as to leave him on his own - a situation that if it did arrise hed 'have' to cope? but i can see how you would be worried about the burden on your gf.

i would advise you to get on with your lives but to say you will support him, but only in attempts to get better, so you will be there if he wants to tackle his phobia but you wont feed it like his parents are doing - i mean you dont actually have to say this to him, but you and your gf can discuss it between you 2. i think yuo can support and help him, the same way you would suport any family member in trouble, but only to recover? but like youve said he isnt ready, so maybe get as much info yourselves as you can so that when he is ready you are too?

a good place to start is 'nopanic' a charity in telford.

[milly jones]

a warm welcome to no more panic

milly xx