Now what do I do?

[stimpy]

Hi all

As some of you may know my Mum died recently, and I was going through a bit of a time.

It's all my fault (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2800)

On Saturday I was summoned back "home" by my brother.
I was advised that the solicitor wanted things to get moving, so would I come "home" and collect anything I wanted to keep.

I was dreading the experience. Not really knowing what to expect.
I had been forwarned that things in the house would be a little different and somethings had been moved.

I didn't really want to go, but I thought, "things may not be as bad as I think and if I don't go I will never know. Imagine the very worst it will be and if it is not that bad then that's okay. And if it is that bad, well I have prepared myself." [^]

For the first time I was afraid to go back.
And I didn't like how I was feeling. [V]

It wasn't my Mum's home anymore, it was just a house that had been raided. [V]
I felt like I was stealing! (If that makes sense?) I was taking things, and some of the things were not mine to take, they are my Mum's things.

I felt so angry and for some reason full of panic.
Things had been moved, draws were empty, the garden furniture was missing. The clock on the lounge wall was gone. The house plants were dying. :(
I wanted it to stop. I couldn't understand why I felt this way.

But what made me feel worse and really filled me with panic, was the fact that I couldn't even put my bedside light on because my bedside tables were gone and my bedside lights were missing, and the ones I did find didn't work. I had to borrow my mum's bedside light and a small plastic table from the garage. :( [:O] :(

I stood looking out of the bedroom window and I sobbed my heart out and I shook.
That night I felt really tired. So tired that I was in bed by 11.
I woke up wringing wet due to extreme night sweating, even though the window was open and the heating wasn't on.

Everything felt wrong.
I wanted to physically go around the house and put things right.
(Is any of this making sense?)

Once I decided what I wanted to keep, the car was so full that my 10 year old son and I had to get the train home. While husband drove back, with my 7 year old.

I have no idea what I'm going to do now.
I don't want to lose my childhood home.
What's going to happen at christmas - where are we going to stay?
The thought of going back to that house fills me with dread.
But the thought of never going back again makes feel so very sad.

I'm sorry for rambling on and not making any sense.

But I am so lost.
I have all these feelings and I can't understand any of them.
Why I did suddenly panic like that? Why am I still feeling it 2 days later?

Thanks for listening.

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

[BrandyK]

Well I kinda know what you are going through.. I remember when my Grandma died. My mom had to do the same thing. Then my Aunt died.. and that was sooo sad. So people were going to her house getting some stuff that was my aunts.. and her husband is still alive, wonder if anyone even thought of how he felt seeing his wifes stuff go that she used to clean and keep tidy!

I give you my sympathy. and maybe you should of got the chance to go to your moms house before everyone went through it.

I give you my sympathy!!

Brandy

[josiepickle]

Liz no wonder your feeling rough.

I can only imagine what you are feeling like.

Can you take comfort from some of the things you decided to keep from your mums, remembering her through them maybe?

Take care Jo x

[Karen]

Hi Liz

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time at the moment.

I think what you are experiencing is entirely normal. You are still grieving for your Mum and it must be hard to go back to her house without her there, and with her possessions being removed too. When my nan died a couple of years ago, I was helping my Dad and step mum sort through her things in order to clear her flat, and it was incredibly hard and upsetting.

Give yourself time to grieve and try not to worry about how you should or shouldn't be feeling. Everyone gets through these experiences in their own way and in their own time.

We are all here to offer support.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[henri]

Hi Liz,
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time.
My parents got divorced when i was 18 and both moved back to greece (they're both greek), leaving me here alone and obviously selling the house i grew up in before they left. It's taken me ages to get over it, sometimes i still think i haven't, but i've tried to realise that objects and brick walls do not make a home, and that even if the house was still there and exactly as it used to be, it wouldn't be the same without them. It still wouldn't be home.
It's devastating when you see your home being pulled apart and when you lose loved ones. But if you take some of the items that most remind you of your mum, and incorporate them into your own home, it will help keep her memory alive.
It is so heart wrenching when you see your childhood home suddenly emptied or abandoned and really there's nothing anyone can say to make you feel better about that. But time will heal this, i promise you. I know you feel bad about taking your mum's things, but i think she would want you to have them and look after them in her absence.
You panicked because that's what happens when you feel a loss of control and things happening that you don't like and can't prevent. It's so natural - i think you did very well to go back and deal with the situation the way you did.
Sorry i've rambled on, take care,
henri x

[pips]

Hi Liz,

I am so very sorry to hear about your Mum hun.

Sorry you are having a rough time to.

It was difficult enough for you going back to the house let alone seeing how it's totally changed. (well done for going back!) So I promise you it's only natural to feel panicky and anxious.

It will pass sometimes when I have a bad blip it can go pretty quick then other times its lasted for days so don't worry.

Just give yourself time and comfort. and think of the memories you had. The house may look different now but no one can ever take away the memories you have of how it used to be.

Take care of yourself,

Love PIP'S X X X X

[mico]

Hi Liz

It all makes perfect sense to me. Unfortunately, it is something everyone goes through at some point in there lives. I think it's perfectly normal in such a situation to want to rewind back to a time when everything was just fine. Life can be cruel at times, but that is just the way it is. All I can say, is to try and look forward to the future, rather than looking back at the past. Think of your kids and the life that is yet to come for them. They'll rely on you just as you did on your mother. Then one day they will have kids of their own, who will rely on your kids in the same way. Each generation brings a new life, new happiness, and you have created that. That is definately something to look forward to!

I wouldn't expect for one minute for anybody to just stop grieving and take up this thinking, but I think it's a good way of looking at things. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

You've done well with what you have done, and since this was probably the biggest link with your past, then maybe you'll be able to rest a little more about the future now. I'm sure you've had a lot of good times with your mother, and you can look back on them with a sense of joy. I think it's best to keep it that way rather then viewing it with a deep sadness. You've still got a lot to look forward to, and that is where you need to be looking now.

I'm not going to try and say anymore than that, I just wanted to offer a perspective on this.


Take care



mico

[mjh74]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Liz. On christmas day 1999 I lost my grandma and 3 weeks later my grandad (her husband). They lead very healthy lives and the deaths were very sudden and a huge shock. My mum was absolutely devistated and was experiencing many of the things that you have described. One of her regrets was that she didn't feel like she had long enough to mourn my grandma before losing my grandad. My uncle came over from Australia to help clear the house that a month before had 2 lives living in it. I couldn't even bear to go back since last seeing them both there laughing and joking as they did. It has been one of the biggest holes left in my life and I still think of them both everyday.

As I'm sure you know, over time everything will settle as things are sorted out and your feelings will subside from panic and dread to fond memories.

Very best wishes,

Mark x

[escapology]

((((((Liz))))))


What you are experiencing is very normal and part of the grieving process for the loss of your Mother. Unfortuntly other members of your family will want to move this process on quicker than maybe you can handle at present. You'll find that your Brother will want to move the process quicker as males (no offence) seem to want to clear things up and get on with living life quicker.

You have to slowly accept that life will be very different from now on. Where you would use your Mothers home and life to build family relationships around as a base/foundation this will not be the case now, but you can survive all of this.

You can turn what you see as negative to positive and maybe base yourself as the foundation of family gatherings (if you can handle the stress that comes with that). Your panic comes because you have to deal with change and your anger comes from your Brother not understanding your needs in this matter.

As for the materialistic stuff, your life will go on without it. It is the few special items that you will keep and treasure for yourself and will release happy memories, even if you shed a tear, that you will cherish later on when your grieving process starts to become clearer.

Grief is something that will subside slowly over time when the sudden loss is bearable. Just go with the flow here, feel, have your emotions as all of these are good for you to cleanse yourself and mind. Remember the good and happy times that your Mother gave you and cherish them.
Time does heal.

I wish you and your family well in this time of sadness.

Love n' laughter (soon)

Esca xx

[Meg]

Liz,

You've had some great and very true replies.

What you're experiencing is normal , the upheaval, the sense of loss , the not belonging anymore, the loss of the most intimate of bonds with Mum - these things all evoke a huge emotional surge which you're going through BUT I would like to remind you that I remember the Liz who couldn't go back up north, the Liz who wouldn't have been capable of going round the house making desisions about what to keep and take and who certainly wouldn't have come back on the train..

Despite all the trauma and grief you have managed to maintain the progress you have made with the minorest of blips and you have coped fantastically with the whole event emotionally and now with these practical issues too.

I know how awful it is Liz to lose a parent, but take heart and pride that you are so much stronger now in so many ways and are able to respond and cope with it all.



Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[Piglet]

I'm sending you the biggest warmest hug I can.

Love Piglet

[carlin]

Hi Liz,
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad, but, as everyone has said, this is to be expected after what you have been through, i know exactly how you feel, a few years ago i found dad, after he was taken away i had to go back into the house, i wasn't living there at the time but it was my childhood home, then a few weeks later came the task of clearing his belongings, i too, felt as if i was stealing things from him, although deep down i knew he would have wanted me to have absolutely anything and everything, i felt an orphan at the grand old age of 47! I have no sound advice, just to say your feelings are perfectly normal, i personally think you have coped so very well, and things will, very very slowly get a little easier, be kind to yourself, pamper yourself, rest and sleep when you want (easier said than done)one day at a time, take care and keep in touch xxxxxxxxx

[nomorepanic]

Liz

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you as I know how hard this must be for you.

You are a strong person and I hope that things work out ok in the end.

I know it is not easy and it will hurt a lot but it is something that has to be done and it will take a few days before you feel calmer and not so upset so hang in there ok.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

[alexis]

Hi, Just to let you know you are in my thoughts. i will not pretend I know what you are going through, I can only imagine. I lost my dad but my mum is still in the family home and although its different as she has need to change it its still ok, You will get through this, just take care and take time Love Alexis,x

[lainey]

Hi Liz,

What ypu are feeling is perfectly normal for someone who has recently lost a parent, the only thing that helped me when I lost my mother was time , things do get better I promise.
It is healthy to grieve and let out all your emotions rather than let them all build up in your head.
Thinking of you

Take care

Elaine x

[jill]

Just want to say that my thoughts are with you Liz
at this sad time.

TAKE CARE

LOVE JILLXXXXXXXX

[zena]

Hi Lz,

I am really sorry to hear of your loss.
I know what you are going through honey and it has brought back memories from a couple of years back.
I lost my Mum 6 years ago and then my Dad 2 years ago.
The family house was put up for sale and had to be sorted out. This took over a year to complete. My older brother just about helped.
It was me in the end that wanted it sorted quick. I couldn't cope with it for much longer.

Liz you are still consumed with grief honey. You are bound to panic as you are so low. Take things easy. It does get better I promise.
Just remember though your Mum may not be here on the earthly plain but she is with you in your mind and heart.
Sounds silly but I still talk to both my Mum and Dad and they help!!

Take care Liz, PM if you want to talk.




with good wishes

Zena

[stimpy]

Thank you ever so much for your wonderful and heartfelt replies.
Infact they set me of crying again! [:I]

I can't hold on to something I can't keep. As I don't have 75,000 pounds-ish to buy out the share holders (my brother and my kids) not to mention the added cost of upkeep on the house, then it will have to be sold. That is the truth and I have to except that, no matter how hard.

I guess you are right men are way more practical and less sentimental than us women, so I guess brother just wants everything sorted out.

I am a big girl now with a family and I must put them first, they are the future.
I will always have memories and great stories to tell my grandchildren.

My mum has a wonderful prayer on the wall above her fireplace.
And I think it is time I began to live by it, as she did.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,

Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.


Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'